


Nail In My Head

by DissonantDreams



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canonical Character Death, F/F, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Mild Sexual Content, Part II, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Build, Spoilers, Suicide Attempt, Trauma, We're gonna talk about our feelings for once
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:27:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 164,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25036984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DissonantDreams/pseuds/DissonantDreams
Summary: Every cycle that begins has an end. When all you've done in wait for death, how can you learn to live?Following the ending of The Last of US II Ellie, broken and alone, sets off to end the cycle of violence her life has become. After a chance encounter in the woods Ellie returns to Jackson, to her family with the intention of healing herself and fixing her relationship with the woman she loves.Trigger warning is for chapter one. Consult chapter notes for specifics.
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us), Ellie & Joel (The Last of Us), Ellie & Maria (The Last of Us)
Comments: 169
Kudos: 597





	1. I Couldn't Buy An Eyeful of Sleep

**Author's Note:**

> Hi all. This is my first (and probably only) fanfic. Because I sure as hell needed some resolution after that ending. I've been writing since I finished the game, so updates will roll in after I edit. Later chapters will have that good good healing. It will be slow, but damn it, it's what Ellie deserves. This is my love letter to the series.
> 
> This is my first creative writing venture in five years and it's un beta'd so apologies for any mistakes.  
> Thanks for reading!
> 
> The song is "Show Me How To Live" by Audioslave (no one living in the world of the Last of Us would know the song's real meaning I have ignored that because I wanted it in the fic)
> 
> please don't sue.
> 
> TW for suicide:  
> begins at "ON THE SECOND DAY"  
> ends at "ON THIRD DAY"

After she left the farmhouse. It took Ellie a week to leave the forest. It was another month after that before she ended up back in Jackson. She couldn’t go back right away. Not when she returned to the home she never felt she deserved. The only two people she had left gone and Dina leaving all the memories they built together behind her… well that was enough to hollow out whatever parts of her still had any life left in them. She said her goodbyes to Joel, to what was left of herself, and walked into the woods to rot. Into what was supposed to be oblivion. Guilt clung to her like spiderwebs would after scrambling through trees trying to outrun an infected. Even when she thought she got all the webs off, there was still the ghost of a feeling crawling on her skin. Clawing at phantoms that will never fully disappear. The woods grew darker and quieter the deeper she walked. Never straying from a straight path, save to amble around various obstacles. For three days Ellie walked. She walked until her feet bled, and then she walked some more.

On the first day, the hunger she had ignored for the past two days caught up with her before she even arrived back at the farmhouse. A gnawing reminder of her emptiness. It distracted her nicely from the burgeoning pain in her feet. Which distracted her nicely from the dull ache in her hand. Her head blissfully free from thought as she focused on the only thing that has ever been real to her. Pain. Day turned into night and beneath the light of the moon Ellie walked on. Ellie hadn’t seen or heard any infected in the hours she had been walking.

On the second day, she found the noose.

Ellie discovered it when she found an end to the dense forest she had been aimlessly wandering through. It took several seconds before she noticed the roots, boulders, and detritus she had spent her night scaling had disappeared. Ellie looked up and stared across a small clearing into the emptied sockets of some poor schmuck's skull, their body remained, trapped in their loop of death. She wondered if she was the second person to wander this far out to give up.

This was a sign. It had to be. Dina always wanted her to look for signs. _A little hope won’t hurt you, Ellie._ Well, she finally found a sign and she hoped it hurt. Ellie walked over and set her pack down. Aside from death and the elements, Ellie figured, no one save for her touched this body. She yanked at their torso unceremoniously. The tension held for a second Ellie heard a tearing sound followed by the pop of a dislocated joint before she stumbled backwards with most of a human skeleton.

Ellie looked closely at the swinging remains, their blackened neck tendons had fused with the rope and their torso propped up a green military jacket like a demented clothes hanger. It reminded her of some forgotten campfire story she heard Jesse tell. Ellie closed her eyes and grabbed the rope pushing it away from her, simultaneously grabbing the skull and pulling it towards herself. The decayed flesh ripped away from the rope and she tossed the remains wordlessly to the side.

Her eyes followed the rope up over the branch to where the tree had swallowed the section of rope twisted anchored around the base. The rope itself seemed fine to her noting pale green gray spotting where lichen had grown over the years.

Ellie searched the area for something to stand on. The last guy used an old metal bucket, it was rusted out and useless. Ellie expanded her search to the sides of the clearing, revealed an old gray tarp hidden underneath several years worth of detritus. She grabbed the corner and tugged it roughly a few times before she managed to uncover it fully. The movement kicked up a deep earthly smell, one she associated with too many undeserved happy memories on the farm. Through her apathy, anger reared its ugly head.

“Fuck!” Ellie kicked out at the bucket. It clanged loudly against a tree several feet away.

“Fuck!” Her voice, broken with disuse, rang out like a gunshot in the quiet, the skin of her foot splitting further. She hadn’t had anything to eat or drink in several days. Foregoing eating and drinking as some kind of masochistic penance on her journey back for abandoning her family. She couldn’t start to lose it now. She had to see this through.

Ellie finished her search and returned to the spot victorious, with a log someone -most likely the dude whose noose she was commandeering\- had chopped up into a seat. It was rotten, yet sturdy enough to hold her weight for the time she needed. Ellie propped the log on its end, adjusted her stance to compensate for the slight wobble, managing to snatch the noose without it collapsing.

Ellie fiddled with the tight hangman’s knot. Her fingers worked clumsily against the rope before she managed to loosen it enough to fit her head through. She lifted the loop over her head and placed it around her own neck. Ellie gagged as the putrid, decayed flesh, which still clung to fibers, passed over her nose and mouth. Ellie breathed in for an eight-count, held for four, and exhaled for eight, the action calmed her enough. Steeled her resolution to see this through. She reached behind her head and tightened the knot, just enough. Ellie didn’t think this would be how'd she go out. It was meant to be on that operating table her memory a noble sacrifice. Joel stripped her of her choice. She supposed her recklessness would have killed her one day. She guessed one day is today.

Before she could hesitate, Ellie kicked off the log. Reviling in the moment of weightlessness, before gravity snapped her back down to earth. The branch held, groaning deeply under her full weight. The abrasive braid of the rope cuts into her trachea, asphyxiating her. Immediately, her body protested her decision. Ellie’s neck stiffened, her body stilled itself, attempted not to panic, not to breathe. Her mind may have wanted to die, but her body had life in it still. Ellie jerked with a kick, gasped for air as the noose cinched tighter.

Her pulse thundered in her ears. Lights spotted her vision, bright as muzzle flash in the darkness. Ellie lamented her luck wasn’t good enough to snap her neck. The choked sounds she made diminished in her own ears. The edges of her world softened the more she struggled. A profound sense of calm blanketed her mind. Her thoughts turned fondly to her people she met in Jackson, to Jesse. To Joel. To JJ.

To Dina.

Dina would spend the rest of her life thinking Ellie died being reckless. If Ellie was lucky JJ never remembered her. It was for the best. If she somehow discovered the truth, Dina would never accept Ellie took the cowards way out. Ellie accepted her life never really fucking mattered, nothing did.

Ellie spent her whole life learning about the five stages of grief. Acceptance was supposed to be the final one. If you asked her there shouldn’t another step. But that’s the problem she ran into with the world: No one fucking asked her.

_Shit!_

Ellie surfaced from the blackness with a curse, dimly aware that hell looked a lot like the forest floor. Ellie heaved violently, her stomach bringing up nothing. Her body shuddered, coughed, drawing air into her lungs in deep raspy inhales that kicked up dirt into her mouth.

Blood rushed back into her face, harsh and loud in her ears. She believed anyone within a mile could hear it too. She stilled, listened for signs of life that weren’t hers. Only silence answered. The base of Ellie’s skull tingled, the telltale feeling of being watched. She waited a few moments for her sight to fully clear. Ellie winced and pushed herself on her side, she squinted around the edge of the woods, frantically searching along the treeline she found no one. Ellie rolled onto her back and stared up at the branch above her. It seemed the rope had disappeared on her.

Ellie awkwardly flipped herself on to her left side. She squinted in the low light until she found end of the rope which lay next to her. The frayed ends implied the rope snapped under pressure. Over the years Ellie used many ancient ropes without them snapping on her. Her luck eventually had to run out. Of course it happened now. This wasn’t a sign. This was a shitty gift, with the note, “Fuck you Ellie. - from the Universe” written on it.

Ellie sighed, bone-weary exhaustion consumed her. The rope was useless to her now.

Ellie waited for the frustration and anger to erupt from within her. She felt nothing. She had nothing left. Ellie was tired. So for the first time in days, she slept.

On the third day Ellie saw Joel.

Or rather Ellie heard him before she saw him. She listened to his gruff crooning as it got closer and closer to where she remained unmoved since yesterdays failure, the rope still round her neck. She opened her eyes when she heard the sound of a twig snap several feet in front of her. Ellie’s chest tightened, and her eyes watered as she took him in. He looked unchanged from the last night they talked. He wore that damn brown leather jacket, a 50th birthday gift from her and Tommy. Softly plucking away on that damn guitar. The one she left in the window.

“ _And in you_ _r_ _final hours, I will stand._

_Ready to begin._

_Ready to begin.”_

Ellie recognized the tune after a few seconds. Joel taught it to her after he found her reading Mary Shelley’s _Frankenstein_ one night. His small attempt at trying to relate to her she guessed.

“The song’s written from the perspective of the monster. It’s a cool song.” Part of Ellie regretted telling him “It’s not that cool, Joel. Chill.” Added the moment to the growing list of memories where she would have been better for him if she had known what was to come. Ellie grimaced at the sharp pain in her feet and pushed herself backwards til she was slouched against the tree behind her

_Nail in my h_ _ea_ _d,_ _from my creator._

_Y_ _ou gave me life now_

_S_ _how me how to live._

_Show me_ _h_ _ow to live.”_

Joel approached her and gently leaned her guitar against the trunk of the tree. He knelt down next to her right side. Ellie was distracted by the reflection of afternoon light off of the moth inlay as it caught a beam of light that managed to piece the veil of the canopy, against the deep mahogany of the wood where it was painstakingly nestled. Ellie found herself thinking the few lights they kept on at night by Jackson’s front gate, a subtle beacon to guide patrols home.

Ellie observed Joel’s weary face. Noting that was the closest they had been to each other in some time. Had he always looked so old? She wanted to remember what he looked like. Those memories remained hidden behind a door somewhere in her mind.

Physically he had changed so much the two years they barely spoke. He had more crows feet than she remembered. His skin was weathered now, with light liver spots, sagging around his cheeks making him look gaunt. Deep furrows had formed around the corners of his mouth, along his forehead between his brow, from years of worry. He looked so much older than she remembered. She fucking hated that.

Ellie was surprised by all the gray hairs in his beard. He had so many now. He had started to get more grays in his hair three years ago, breaking up the dark locks around his temples and a few areas around his crown. She had teased him relentlessly about how old he was when they had really started to appear. He had teased her back saying he’d look younger if she would stop being so damn reckless around him. Ellie, fiddled with the bracelet on her wrist. It was the kind of familiarity they shared, before Utah. She missed it deeply. 

His hazel eyes were the only thing that felt familiar to her. Joel reached out over her shoulders and loosened the knot at the back of her neck. 

“Hey, Kiddo.” He shook his head, gently tugged the noose from around her neck and tossed it across the clearing where it landed with a muted thud. He sat down next to her with a huff. “What the hell are you doin’?”

“I couldn’t do it.” Ellie jolted upright against the bark of the wood, her hands tightened into fists, a wave of dizziness rolled in her gut. She wheeled to face Joel, her face twisted in rage. “I had her! Right there. I had her head underwater and my hands around her fucking neck!” She pressed the heels of her palms into the sockets of her eyes until she saw stars. “and- and I couldn’t do it! I couldn’t fucking do it, Joel!” she threw her hands up in frustration before she braced them against her knees. I let her live. I couldn’t keep my promise.” Ellie slumped against the tree. Her head pounded with anger and probably dehydration. Ellie allowed herself to be grounded by the harsh bite of the bark that cut through her sweat soaked flannel.

“Ellie, you don’t owe me a damn thing.” Ellie regarded him, her brows knitted. Joel sighed, his expression pensive. A ghost of the one he wore the last night they talked.

“Look. I did what I done to endure and survive. That includes doin’ some things that pissed people off. Some more than others. I don’t regret for a second the choice I made. I told you that.” Joel nodded to himself. “I regret not doin’ right by you. I shouldn’t have lied to you. I should have told you. If I knew they were gonna kill you, I’d have never taken you to their door. I couldn’t live with myself if that happened.” His eyes glistened. Ellie opened her mouth to speak. Joel held out his hand between them, giving himself a moment to collect his thoughts.

“All I ever wanted is to see you happy. I did somethin’ that took that happiness away and I didn’t try to fix it. I kept thinkin’ if I protected you from the sidelines, maybe you’d come around and seen it my way. But that was never how we worked.” he admitted, a rueful look in his eye. Ellie nodded in agreement. They were both too damn stubborn for their own good.

“I wanted you to see that I loved you and I was so damned proud. I never was good at this talkin’ thing, I kept gettin’ in our way, makin’ you trust me less. You came around in your own time and it was too late to fix things when all was said and done. I owed you so much more and I was blind to it all. At some point, I stopped survivin’.” Joel scoffed. “I’m old, as you and Tommy like to remind me. I got tired of survival, I wanted to give you the life you deserved. Not one that ended in death. Because you mean so much to everyone who has met you. You’re special and it has nothin’ to do with that fugal growth on your brain.” Joel tapped his finger against her forehead. “I’d do it all again for you. You mean the world to me.”

“Joel, I dunno how to live!” Ellie, said overwhelmed by a wave of sorrow at the truth she was admitting. “I’ve spent so, so much of my time waiting to die. With Riley… we waited. She turned and since that day I’ve been waiting for my turn. And when I suddenly got my chance to stop waiting around. You took it. All this can’t be for nothing.”

“That’s right, Ellie. It can’t be.” Joel gestured openly to the noose across the clearing to the spot where she sat. His gaze hardened. “You think this shit you’re trying to pull here is gonna fix that? No, kiddo. Ending your life will be for nothin’. You go do what you gotta do to get right by yourself.” He held her mangled hand in his large ones as he took in a deep breath. “Kay, and you go and you make it worth somethin’. You still have time to forgive yourself.” Joel’s gaze bore into her eyes with such vindication there was no doubt in Ellie’s mind he was telling her the truths he had rarely spoken aloud. “You remember what I said all those years ago. Before,” Joel sniffed, the look in his eyes resolute, never straying from hers. “Before I lied to you about really happened.”

Ellie nodded. How could she forget. “You keep finding something worth fighting for.”

“That’s right. You find somethin’ to fight for, Ellie. If it’s not for yourself. Make it for someone you love. You’re my reason for fightin’. One day you’ll get up and realize you were fightin’ for yourself all along. We fight for every second we get to spend with each other. Whether its two minutes or two days. We don’t give that up.”

The hairs on Ellie’s neck stood up, as her lower lip trembled. The voice was Joel’s the person in front of her was Joel. Those were words Ellie had kept to herself all those years. There was no way he could know them.

“What did you just say?” Slowly, she hesitantly faced him. Fear gave way to realization as her inner panic receded and she laughed. Ellie had finally lost it.

“You know what I just said, kiddo.” Joel punched her gently in the arm. “You’re the one thinkin’ it.”

“You’re not real.”

“Of course I’m not real,” he chuckled, gesturing to himself. “You really think I look this old? I’m hurt. I’m fitter than this.”

“Sometimes I don’t think I can remember you properly.” Ellie couldn’t joke with herself. “I just see you lying there on the floor covered in your own blood.” Ellie’s face tightened in pain as she willed herself not to break. “Some days that’s all I can remember about you.” They fell into silence and Ellie looked away from Joel as a tear tracked down her cheek. It was a truth she spent so long trying to deny. Joel was gone and she couldn’t remember the good parts without it being violently shattered with a golf club. The guilt haunted her every time she closed her eyes.

The silence between them wasn’t as absolute as it felt. Joel was still there. Ellie startled as he nudged her shoulder with his, a teasing look in his eyes.

“I heard a good joke the other day. You wanna hear it?”

She smiled and nodded at him, she knew what joke he was gonna tell anyway.

“Well, go on,” She motioned for him to continue. “Tell it.”

He smiled. “All right, how’d it go. ‘What do you call it when two horses get married?’”

They delivered the punchline at the same time.

“Gettin’ hitched.”

“Hey now, kiddo. That was mighty rude of you to step on my punchline like that. I worked real hard to remember that one.”

Ellie extended both her middle fingers towards him. Well middle finger and former middle finger, she supposed.

“Dickhead. I’m the one thinking it aren’t I.” Ellie, grinned.

“Yeah you are.” Joel pointed to Ellie’s left hand and let out and amused huff of air. “At least she didn’t touch your most important finger. Woulda been a real loss to this world if you weren’t able to throw the double bird.” She couldn’t argue that. She shoved at his shoulder. Joel’s left hand covered his chest, a wounded look on his face. They smiled at each other.

“Alright, Baby girl. It’s time to cut the shit.” Joel shifted himself into a crouched position to face her. “Now you go and drink some water,” He said, placing the green metal canteen she had filled somewhere between her detour through Utah and Jackson in her hands. He pointed to her pack, and then in the direction of Jackson. “Then you eat some of that food you got in your pack, and go home, Ellie. You still got time to make things right. You get up and you go learn how to live. And one day, you can tell me all about it.”

Ellie twisted the nubs on her left hand in her right hand, wincing at the slight discomfort it caused. Old nervous habits were hard to break, caught up in the moment she had forgotten she had lost her pinkie and ring fingers.

_Shit._ She felt tears form, unbidden, as she looked at Joel. He smiled, the crows feet at the corners of his eyes crinkled as he put his hands on her shoulders. Ellie felt them, a reassuring weight, warm and real as anything she had ever felt.

“You’re going to be fine, Ellie.” he squeezed her shoulders gently, as he nodded. “I promise.”

“You swear?”

“I swear.”

Ellie searched his face for the lie. This time she couldn’t find one.

Swallowing the lump of emotion in her throat that threatened to silence her before she could even get the word out of her mouth, Ellie nodded back firmly.

“Okay.”

The weight on her shoulders lifted.

When Ellie eventually blinked away her tears, Joel was gone. She looked around for him and saw that she was truly alone in her moment of madness. At some point during her talk Joel, the day had turned into night. The watery, pale light of the moon ghosted through the clearing illuminated the noose where it lay across the clearing. Right where Joel had tossed it.

Her pack lay opened at her feet, canteen in her hands. She stared at it disbelief. Joel was still dead, clearly her subconscious wasn’t ready for her to join him. Laughter bubbled up from somewhere deep within her and didn’t stop until she realized she was crying again.

What felt like hours later she finished all her water and picked herself up of the ground. Ellie bent down and grabbed the tarp, the only usable length of rope she could find left, and a few thick branches and made her self a shelter. The temperature had dropped significantly and for the first time in days she shivered. During her search for some materials to make a fire she remembered the corpse. It wouldn’t be the last time she took clothes off of one. Ellie removed the green military grade jacket from the body of the corpse, she brushed her thumb against the stiffened material. The coat held up well against the years. A few spots discolored where decayed flesh had melted through to. Ellie’s eyes passed over a small rectangle of tan leather sewn into the corner of the lower left most pocket. She reverently touched the familiar embossed “J”. Jackson. Ellie, grinned in disbelief. Another fucking sign. Dina would think this some twisted providence. Ellie glanced to the hamsa still wrapped around her wrist. The moonlight caught the blue glass of the eye making it wink. Despite herself, Ellie smiled down at the bracelet.

Dina did always have to have the last word. 

“Thanks for the sick threads, buddy.” she said, kicking the skeletal remains away.

Ellie slipped into the jacket and zipped it up. She was surprised at how well it fit her. It settled on her thin frame something in one of the pockets knocked lightly against her chest accompanied by a faint rattling noise. Ellie pulled out from breast pocket, over her heart, a cylindrical object. The moon was full and she was barely able to make out what it was in the darkness. She recognized it as those old waterproof plastic containers that Joel told her campers used when people survived for fun.

She opened it up and looked at the contents of the orange canister. It held a military style can opener, a small bundle of matches, two long expired water purification tablets, a pocket wire saw, and a yellow piece of paper. Bloody fingerprints that had long dried littered the page. She opened the note, and in the faint moonlight, read the words penned with shaky hands:

‘Kate, I’m sorry for the things I’ve done to hurt you. You might be able to forgive me. I’m unable to forgive myself. I hope you can forgive me one last time. - Love, Lukas’

The note made for a good fire starter that night.


	2. Slowly Learning Life Is Okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie spends some time back on the farm to deal with her feelings alone.  
> Try as she might, her thoughts keep drifting to Dina.  
> After a revelation, Ellie readies herself to go make things right.

Ellie was about an hour away from the farmhouse. She had spent the last four days trudging her way back through the forest. It had taken her a little longer to find her way back than she knew was capable of, but she wasn’t about to beat herself up over it. That shit had grown tiring. She spent the last four days tracking her steps back towards the farm, grateful there had been no rain fall to wash away her prints. She’d bet the rest of her record collection that no wildlife owned a pair of size nine boots and she’d eat her best flannel if an infected could walk a straight line.

Ellie’s hunger returned in a way she hadn’t felt in over a year. Her pack was laden with her spoils: mushrooms, two rabbits, she had succeeded in snaring on the trip back. She’d managed to find a hearty amount of Wyoming’s finest edible plants; mushrooms were in season, she had even discovered a bush of blackberries at the tail end of their season. She tossed a few in the air, head darting around to catch them in her mouth, feeling proud of herself for the first time in a long time. Ellie couldn’t remember the last time she felt this light.

Despite the uptick in her mental state, Ellie still needed some time to recover from her ordeal out in the woods. Her hallucination of Joel had told her to go back to Jackson. Her pulse quickened at the thought. She’d rather fight a horde of infected off with a toothpick then face everyone. Jackson had gone some time with out her there and they could go a little longer while she figured a few things out for herself. 

Ellie looked down at the path, following her own feet until the trees started to clear out and a familiar gate made her stop. She blew out the air in her lungs, fiddling with a hole in her shirt she had found.

"Lets fuckin' go, I guess." 

The gate looked unchanged as ever when she reached it. The fencing they had gone with was designed to keep infected out and animals in. Which meant getting over with out tearing her flesh on barbed wire was impossible, pushing a post over meant having to dig a couple of feet down, and without wire cutters, she couldn’t break in. Not that she wanted to leave that kind of weak spot for the farm. the only thing out here that Ellie worked herself into a panic over, had been the thought of bandits with tools that could cut through the thick gauge steel wire. Now that she needed to get in it was quite a fucking problem.

Sleep was hard to come by in the last night. Sleep was unfamiliar to Ellie to begin with. She could count on her left hand how many nights she’d slept comfortably the whole way through in the last two months. She didn’t even need to use all her fingers.

The night prior her desire to make it back to the farmhouse as soon as possible had her spending the first half of her night twisting and turning underneath her makeshift lean to before she’d said fuck it and wandered homeward. The lean to Ellie had made the night before had been uncomfortable. She decided right then she’d rather walk home in the middle of the night than keep twisting and turning underneath an itchy, dead man’s jacket. If she was gonna be up all night anyway, might as well be productive about it.

Beyond the fence Ellie could see the farmhouse blanketed by a soft haze fallen upon the farm as dawn broke. A light morning dew collected on the blades of overgrowth surrounding the farm. The moisture rolled off the tops of her waterproofed boots as she shuffled herself along the side of the perimeter fence they had put up before they had moved in.

Ellie fondly recalled the way Dina had laughed herself to tears watching Ellie stubbornly attempt to put up the fence on her own. Defiantly asserting that she had this before she overbalanced hefting a large roll of fencing and tumbling ass over head into the slight ditch below. She’d stupidly assumed those moments would be enough to fix her. That proximity to joy and love could somehow fill the holes in her happiness.

Ellie shook the memory loose as she set to her task of unlocking the gate.

Ellie crouched down and cleared away a few inches of inconspicuous debris from the bottom of the fence with her hand. The soil was damp from the moisture that had become trapped underneath over the past few days making it hard to pinpoint the section of freshly packed dirt she had left behind. Ellie grunted in frustration as she got up and snapped off a thin branch from the Spruce behind her. A quick search of the ground supplied her with a broken rock. With practiced motions Ellie stripped the needles from the stick before hacking one end into a sharp point. With her improvised aeration spike, she poked holes around the bottom of the third left most post of the barbed wired fence that surrounded the farm.

She’d locked the gate behind her before she ventured out to the woods. It was the least she could do for Dina. Dina could handle a broken lock, Ellie knew. The implications of an unlocked gate would destroy her. After all they were the only two people who knew about the key’s whereabouts.

She closed her eyes and she could see, so vividly, Dina checking each room of the house before curling up on the living room floor, heart breaking all over again, thinking Ellie was home. Ellie rubbed at her eyes with the back of her free hand. Now wasn’t the time to follow that train of thought, she had shit to do.

“Fucking come on!” Ellie growled, stabbing at the dirt, trying to find the exact patch of soil she was looking for. Her nose flared with an annoyed huff at how slow the process was using a stick compared to her knife.

After her fight with Abby, once her emptiness abated long enough for her to rally and get herself over to the boat, she had frantically searched for her knife beneath the dark waters, tinted so she couldn’t see. In the end, the Pacific had cleansed her of violence in its tide, washed away the blood on her skin, swallowed up her knife in its depths. The only signs of violence that remained after she vanished into the fog, were the bodies still tied to the poles that lined the shore.

Her eyes burned, hot and wet. She’d been a fucking idiot. Thinking she could find her redemption in death. Ellie lashed out at the fence with her left hand, the stumps of her fingers twinged at the motion.

“Ow, fuck!” Ellie yelped, shoving her hand under her armpit. The throb in her hand easing under the slight pressure, but she didn’t feel any better.

“You’re being a real asshole right now.” Closing her eyes, she leaned forward until the wires of the fence pressed against her forehead. Their sharp bite permeated her haze of self hatred. “Be chill, dude.”

She knew there wasn’t a damn thing that anyone could do to change the past, especially her. Ellie inhaled deeply, calm seeping into her limbs as the fresh Wyoming air filled her lungs. She focused on the gentle sounds of nature around her. The soft breeze on the plain grass, the creak of tree branches as they gently swayed, in the distance she heard the soft, sweet, warbling of dozens of birds singing to each other. The rest of the world slowly waking from its early morning reverie. Slowly on the exhale, she opened her eyes and let it all go. The sun was rising, Ellie was exhausted, she needed to focus.

Ellie pushed the pointed end of stick into the ground. Around an inch down she met resistance, too much too early for what she was looking for. She repeated the process a few more times until a section of dirt gave way under the pressure tip of the stick a few inches away from the fence line. Ellie gently pressed down gently feeling the tip hit something solid. Trying not to disturb too much of the soil, Ellie dug out a small hole a few inches wide around the spot where the stick had been, only stopping when she unearthed a thin three inch by three inch piece of wood. Removing the lid, she reached back into the hole and pulled a flat, oval metal rock from the small box that she had buried there.

“Aha, there you fuckin’ are!” Ellie, declared proudly to herself.

She softly grunted as she stood, dusting her knee off with her hand. She brushed away bits of dirt, still clung to the imataion grey surface. The discreet keyholder itself was about the size of her palm and it was cool in her hand. The false rock had been a housewarming gift from Marc, Jackson’s blacksmith, who had suggested the idea of a hidden emergency key. Ellie could have kissed him, if she was into that sort of thing, for his brilliant foresight.

She flipped the key holder over and regarded the rainbow she had painted across it. Along with some of the more adventurous books, Dina had snagged a few books from the shop in Seattle. After reading about the meaning of the flags and the history of survival behind them they had agreed it was something they wanted to honor around their home.

She thumbed the small, unpainted area underneath where, many months ago, she had scratched her and Dina’s initials into the metal. The tiny grooves caught lightly against the pad of her thumb. She had been so despondent when she first arrived back home, she hadn’t even noticed Dina had kept the rock in it’s spot. If Dina truly hated Ellie for what she had done, she could have thrown it into the woods.

Ellie’s skin buzzed at the thought as she twisted the two halves apart along the hidden seam, taking out the house key.

Using the tip of her boot, Ellie pushed the dirt back into the hole, stomped it down until it was flat and placed debris back over it until you couldn’t tell anything was out of place. Her paced slowed as she approached the gate as a realization pinged brightly in the back of her mind.

Dina had taken the original key with her. Ellie had checked the spot on the wall where Dina placed the hamsa shaped key holder her sister Talia gave them before she headed off to Colorado.

“ _To protect your home.”_

Lot of good that did.  Ellie wasn’t sure she believed in that sort of thing, at least not the way Dina did. In her mind it  might have protected them from the outside world. Belief was clearly no match for Ellie’s bullheadedness.

Ellie chewed on the inside of her cheek, her hands fiddled with the chained iron padlock which encircled the gate posts, moving aside the small hinged bit of metal that covered the keyhole. They only ever used it when they both left the farm for Jackson. It was better than nothing. The key slipped in easily and with a twist the lock popped open. She gathered up the lock and chain, locking the gate behind her.

Sure, Dina might have no intentions to return. Ellie had to believe she could make things right with Dina if she went to her. Even if it wasn’t the resolution she wanted. Ellie would love Dina in any capacity she’d allow her.

Ellie blamed herself for so many things out of her control. Riley’s death. Joel’s death. The millions of people that died because she lived... The idea that some how her life ending was the only way she could ever be forgiven for her continued survival… it was a cycle she’d fallen into so easily.

Ellie was stronger than that or at least she thought.

Ellie knew why her hands shook every time she opened a door. She knew why every nerve ending in her body felt like they were going explode out of her skin every time she found herself pinned underneath someone. What she didn’t know was how the hell to live with it. She tried. Hiding the parts she could from Dina. The sleeplessness, the anxiety that the peace couldn’t last.

She’d punished herself for all the wrong reasons and it had consumed her to the point she had completely lost her mind. She’d be lying to herself if the whole ordeal hadn't scared her. She’d had thought about ending her life, sure. Thoughts had crossed her mind in her darkest moments.

_“What if I don’t dodge this knife?”_

_“If you slipped, no one would know.”_

Ellie had battled those intrusive thoughts after her confrontation with Joel in Salt Lake, believing that if she was alive she would be able to sacrifice herself if the chance arose. After two years of suffering, Ellie believed if she could stop hating Joel she could stop hating herself. Then that was ripped out from underneath her. Her throat tightened thinking about how real and alive he had looked in the woods. Almost as if she'd been given a second chance. Despite everything that had happened between them, her guilt and his betrayal, they loved each other in their own ways. He raised her as best he could and she kept him honest, called him out on his bullshit. Especially, when it came to the burnt shitwater he was addicted to. Seriously who builds a custom acoustic guitar to trade for four tins of old coffee? A crazy old man, that's who. She hadn't realized she was smiling until she took in the farm as it it was and her face fell.

The quiet unnerved her. She was so used to the sounds of the farm. The sheep bleating at her to feed them, Dina’s singing softly to JJ as she rocked him on the porch. All she could hear was the creaking of the old dead tree in the wind.

Ellie stared for a moment at the home they had created for themselves with its peeled white paint and broken shutters. Ellie looked away as she remembered swearing to Dina she would fix them up before the end of the summer.

Another broken promise.

Ellie walked over to the dead tree that was near the front of the house. The heart and the initials inside were unmarred, E and the D before she splayed her whole hand over the JJ. She swallowed down a sob of relief at the sight. Eyes watering, she looked up to the top of the longest branch to collect herself. Dina left her a sign.

Her shoulders slumped and she adjusted her pack as she walked towards the shorter inner fence that separated the farm from the house. Ellie needed a few minutes before she could face the husk of the home they had built.

Her whole body felt raw inside and out. The barn door opened with a loud groan, pulling it until it was flush with the siding of the barn she grabbed dropped her backpack against it to prop it open and headed straight inside. It smelled like shit. Some things never change.

Hand over hand Ellie ascended the rungs of the wooden ladder to the loft and opened up the hay loft doors. She plunked herself down on one of the several bales of hay that had been left behind. She leaned back on her forearms, a small twitch of a smile on her lips. The clouds slowly drifted overhead catching the warm oranges and pinks of the morning sky. At some point, relaxed and uncaring Ellie succumbed to the exhaustion of the past week.

It was dark out when she awoke. She’d meant to go inside. Her back ached from the uncomfortable position. Ellie stood up, her bones popping as she did. At the same time rolling her shoulders and twisting her head, until the pressure there released with a loud cracking sound. Her neck had a crick in it, she massaged it as she looked out across the plains of Jackson.

The hay loft framed one of her favorite views in all the world. She leaned back against a stack of hay bales, looking out past the wall of trees that dipped down along towards the valley. Across the plains she could see the dark shadows of the mountains. If she squinted hard enough she could see the snow on their tops barely visible in the moonlight. The river glinted with the reflections of the Milky Way above. From this far out the river seemed to twinkle with thousands of mysterious lost jewels underneath its dark surface.

Glancing skyward, she lost herself in the familiar awe of space. The Milky Way cut through the darkness, a milky river composed of millions of stars and galaxies. She could always catch a shooting star.

Joel would always tell her to make a wish, when they saw one.

“I _t’s good luck_ _Kiddo_ _”_.

“ _It’s a meteoroid burning up as it reenters the Earth’s atmosphere, old man. I wish you would stop telling me to wish on vaporized space rocks.”_

“ _You shouldn’t have said it aloud. Now it will never come true.”_

“ _Yeah,yeah. Joel I’ve wished for a dinosaur every fucking time and that’s never gonna come true cause they’re fossils now. Like you.”_

Joel had just laughed at that. In hindsight she should have known he’d do anything to make her wishes come true. No luck needed.

Luck.

Ellie touched her hand absentmindedly to the bracelet on her wrist. The glass eye cool against the tips of her fingers.

Recently, it had grown difficult for her to fathom anything beyond her own little section of Earth, what with the constant anxiety someone was going to kill her on her mind. Yet the moment she looked up at night sky, her worries dissipated into the vastness of the universe.

The nights she’d startle awake having relived Joel’s last moments for what felt like the hundredth time, suffocating in her own skin, clothes soaked with sweat, knowing sleep wouldn’t return to her any time soon; she’d sneak her way out of the house to this spot. Quietly mapped constellations that shown brilliantly against hazy yellowed sky where the edge of the universe concentrated.

Dina would always find her on those nights. The light down stairs would turn on in the house and a few moments later her shadow, long and thin, would stretch across the plains grass as she made her way to the barn. She’d climb up the ladder behind her and sit next to Ellie. Usually they sat in silence, letting Dina’s presence calm her. On the nights where she didn’t realize she was crying, Dina would reach out to her. Resting a hand on Ellie’s knee, the gentle weight grounding her back to the moment.

There were a few nights where, Dina framed by the expanse of stars behind her and the glow of the house light, looked so preternatural, Ellie believed in angels. Overcome with a love she couldn’t readily express with words, she would do everything in her power to have Dina coming undone underneath her with galaxies swirling in her eyes, Ellie a supermassive black hole at their center. Wordlessly she would follow Dina back to bed after that. Awed at how one person’s love could embody the supernovas she’d spent so much time reading about.

Sparing one last glance to the horizon. She let herself find, off to the left of the river, the glow of light against the pitch-dark surroundings where Jackson sat. Nestled safely between mountains and the dam. Ellie nodded to herself as she climbed down the ladder. She’d get there one day.

Ellie hoisted her pack by the handle over her shoulder leaning on the door until it latched, and headed towards the house. She wasn’t there just yet.

Ellie was certain she’d run the second she passed through the white screen door. But when entered the house, she realized how tired of running she really was. She closed her eyes and inhaled; her brows furrowed. The usual scents – of a comforting meal, freshly pruned flowers, the soft smell that awaited her whenever she arrived home were gone. The house smelled musty, no longer lived in. It was dark and her eyes took a moment to adjust.

Ellie walked through the empty living area to the fireplace. There were no photos on the mantle, no flower wreath above it. It just existed there, as empty as she felt. She ran a finger over where dust had gathered. Wiped it off on her trouser leg. It was easier to deal with in the dark, she could pretend if she wanted to.

She passed through each room, guiding herself along the empty walls with an outstretched hand. All signs of the home they built hidden away. Each room attacked her with a fresh wave of sadness.

She’d have to accept she messed up. She tossed her pack into the empty room by the stairs where, JJ used to play. Motes of dust exploded up from where it landed. Her eyes stung, the back of her throat itched. Breathing was overwhelmingly difficult to do and it wasn’t because of the dust she’d kicked up. Slowly she rubbed soft circles over her chest until the pressure eased.

Leaving the room she climbed the stairs, making her way to the bed where her sheets lay folded on top of the stained mattress she once shared with Dina. She’d have to accept a lot of things now.

“I’ll be okay.” she vowed, to the empty room. “It’ll be okay.

Letting herself fall backwards onto the mattress with a heavy thump, Ellie didn’t move until her eyes burned from keeping them open and the walls of the room turned a light pink with the rising sun.

____________

For the next two weeks Ellie learned to be by herself. She’d forced herself into a small schedule of waking up and getting into bed at the same time. Her days were filled with whatever distractions she could find. Writing and drawing in her journal, singing along to her records, relearning how to use the bow and arrow Dina left behind. She wasn’t nearly as good, but with the assistance of a hand wrap she had been able to kill herself a few more rabbits.

She enjoyed her meals alone on an overturned bucket on the dining room floor the quality of which improved greatly after she made the pleasant discovery that Dina had left behind her pickling experiments in the cellar. It was no surprise she hadn’t taken them. Dina hated the smell, said it was “As disgusting as coffee, honestly”. The blasphemer.

Most of what remained in her storage was still good according to the date she scrawled onto the jar. Paired with rabbit and fish, it tasted damn fine to her.

It wasn’t all easy. Her guitar was back upstairs in her old studio. Where one night with shaky hands she placed it in it’s case after she’d been unable to properly play a song she was working on – she’d almost smashed it against the wall in her grief.

Each night she broke down, she’d wake up the next day and try to pull herself together.

The days grew shorter. Each day she said she’d go to Jackson. Each night she’d convince herself she wasn’t worthy enough yet to leave. She had started to heal, but it wasn’t something she could sustain on her own she realized, when everything she’d spent her time holding back hit her all at once one evening.

Ellie sat on the floor of former dining area, the open window a cool night breeze caressed the back of her neck. In the corner the record player quietly skipped, she ignored it, too focused on unscrewing a circuit board from the plastic case that housed it. She was surrounded by tools and tiny pieces of electronics. Letting out a frustrated grunt Ellie shown her flashlight into the carcass of a forgotten FM radio she’d ripped apart trying to distract herself from her thoughts. The house lights had been too dim to see anything.

It’s not like she understood whatever the hell she was looking at. She’d watched Dina work at the dining table every night to know that she had fucked this radio up, possibly beyond repair. She poked her tongue out, almost biting it off when the screw driver she was trying to use to pry, slipped, leaving a deep furrow along the green and copper of the circuit board. Sighing she blindly reached behind her to find the pliers.

“How the fuck did Dina even understand half this shit?” Ellie muttered to herself. Dina was the electronics master, Ellie should have stuck with bricks and herding.

“What, like it’s hard?” she imagined Dina teasing her over her frustration. She felt a deep admiration for the woman. Dina’s skills always managed to impress her even though they were apart.

“It is hard, not all of us are geniuses.” Ellie argued before remembering she was alone. Shaking her head at her own craziness, she scratched at the back of her neck with the remaining fingers of her left hand. All she had done here was make a mess she’d have to clean up later.

Without warning a violent crack of thunder outside rocked the house.

All Ellie heard was a hoarse scream behind a locked door.

Her body seized, her eyes snapped close, mouth clenched tight. It took all she had to remember to breathe in through her nose and out through her mouth. She focused on the sounds of the rain as it swept across the valley. The cold spray that hit her from where she left the window open. Every storm has it’s eye and god damn it she was going to be in it. Eventually, the squall outside quelled; over as quickly as it began. Ellie came back to herself as the smell of petrichor wafted through the open window on a cool breeze.

“Oh, fuck me.” Ellie slumped against the wall. Despite the tremors in her hands she rubbed her arms to give herself a sensation to focus on. Eventually, her body settled. She took a cursory look around the room, nothing was out of place save for a few radio parts that scattered all across the floor when she had jolted.

It was in that moment – on her hands and knees scouring the floor for missing parts – Ellie started to understand why it had been so easy for Abby to walk away. Abby had gotten her closure when she murdered Joel. Joel’s death wouldn’t bring back all those lives that could have been saved if he had left her on that operating table in Utah. She understood that revenge didn’t fix anything before Ellie did. Maybe that guilt is why she saved that boy, redemption.

Ellie scoffed at the thought of being redeemed. It never felt possible for someone like her.

“You have to try.” she chastised herself. She reckoned she owed it to Joel, no to herself, to find out if that was the truth.

Looking down at her mangled hand, she let out a shaky breath, one she hadn’t realized she had been holding.

Abby’s teeth had crushed the bones in both fingers at an odd angle. The final result was not clean cut. White tips of bone poked out and with not enough skin to cover them, they grew infected. Over her journey, she realized with dread, she would have to amputate both fingers above the first joint herself and she knew from a few injuries she saw treated at the med bay in Boston’s QZ she’d have to shorten the bone and close the wound. And so, during a detour through Idaho, with no hospital to go to, Ellie had found herself biting down on the leather of her gun holster in the back of an old restaurant. Screaming herself hoarse as she sliced through her bone with a saw she had found and disinfected as best she could with alcohol. Shakily applying her hand to a burner plate the sizzle and smell of burnt flesh making her gag as she kept herself from blacking out. Partly due to her inexperience with amputation and partly due to her lack of caring at the time,they healed, but they had done so improperly. She guessed it would talk a while before the puckered pink scar tissue no longer made them look raw and angry. In time the scars would fade into something less alarming to look at. Even still, she’d never be whole again. She’d just have to learn to live with what’s left.

As she traced the scar tissue with the thumb of the same hand, the reality of what she had done in Seattle hit her hard enough it felt as though she had taken an actual physical blow to the chest. Wrapping her arms around her torso she folded in on herself on the floor, allowing herself to feel the pain she’d ignored for so long.

Ellie screamed in anguish, tears fell to the floor, the ache of months of isolation settled deep in her bones. The poor, selfish, and cruel choices she had made. The cycle of hate she let herself fall into. How Abby gave her an opportunity to walk away from it all. How she threw her life with Dina away for the possibility of revenge out in Santa Barbra. She eventually calmed herself enough to sit up. Her right hand covered her face as she rubbed at the skin of her forehead roughly and flexed the digits on her left hand to ground her.

Ultimately, she knew, all it did was carve a path of pain and loss to the ones she cared about before bringing her to deaths door on a fucking beach. Miles away from the home her and Dina had built with love. Alone and empty, waiting to die once more, as she watched Abby and that kid of hers speed off into the fog. Ellie sniffed, snot dripping into the back of her throat, making her cough. She got up and started collecting whatever pieces of electronics she could see into a pile. She’d get the rest tomorrow when she had daylight.

_If you hadn’t left to kill her, she’d be dead on that beach. She’d have died and you’d still have Dina. You wouldn’t have even known._ A cruel voice in the back of her head whispered. Ellie tried to avoid thinking about it. Even if it might be true.  


Abby would have died on that pillar hair shorn away, sapped of her strength. It kinda reminded her of that Samson guy Dina mentioned one night over dinner when she was explaining to Ellie how religions interpreted stories differently. Ellie went back and forth on what she felt. She wanted to believe those kind of stories, but it always seemed far-fetched when your idea of a good day is not getting shot at or bitten. She’d never have faith like Dina, but for her she was willing to learn.

Tears flowed freely now, landing on the blue glass of the hamsa Dina had given her, in another lifetime. Ellie traced the worn leather, it was time to go find her.

The next morning, after she cleaned up her mess from the night before and locked everything back down, Ellie noted how much lighter she felt. The house was full of natural light. Layers of dirt and grime had been washed away. She took the stairs two at a time up to the room where most of her stuff remained. Ellie opened the door, and stepped into the room, she glanced over to the guitar case, where it rested next to the window. She had a promise to make good on. Or at least try to.

Ellie packed up a few of her favorite records as well as a couple sets of clothes she liked, noting her favorite blue/ green flannel and gray sweatshirt were missing – Dina probably tossed them out she thought – to take back along with the guitar. After a few moments of consideration Ellie grabbed a few of her old journals and stuffed them in with the clothes. Decided she’d need them for when her memories got so clouded she couldn’t remember what she felt at the time.

She needed to feel again, that was her current fight.

She grabbed and tossed several arrows into her pack before she secured her bow over her left shoulder, and tucked the barrel of Joel’s Taurus Model 66 revolver securely into the waist band of her jeans. Though she wished to cast aside her more violent tendencies she understood that the rest of the world had no such qualms with violence. Protection would be needed.

The trip back to Jackson, without a horse, would take her about a day; two if she really dragged her feet on it. The past few days had brought about a frost that settled across the farm. Soon there would be snowfall. She’d have to make the journey back now lest she lost her bravery to the harsh depression winter always brought her. She was fine until she had finished hiding the spare key back by the third fence post.

Anxiety churned her stomach like a ship tossed about in a violent sea. She breathed in through her nose and out through her mouth until she was finally able to stand.

With one last look at the farm, she grabbed her guitar case, glanced at the hamsa sitting on her wrist, adjusted her pack, and set out what she needed to do to start living.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ellie and Dina have 100 percent seen Legally Blonde. This is one of my many hills.
> 
> It might be my emotional support fic, but I'm glad you're sticking around for the journey.
> 
> This fic is still un-beta'd so I'll probably keep apologizing for any grammar/continuity mistakes. (and go back and fix them) promise.
> 
> Next up: We're hopping on the train to Emotional Reunion City featuring some special guests!
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	3. I Never Opened Myself This Way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie heads back to Jackson, things don't go as planned.

It took half a day before a scouting party spotted Ellie. Distracted by her own thoughts, her usual hyper vigilance ebbed away the closer she got to Jackson. Instead she chose to focus her mind on the darkest outcomes her mind could conceive. She swung the guitar case at her side, letting scenarios play out in her head. They all ended with Jackson’s gate slammed shut in her face. It only served to raise her pulse, high and fluttering, in her throat. When she resolved to leave the farm, she thought it’d be for the best. The longer she spent alone in her head, the more uncertain about her return she felt. Maybe this had been stupid.

She inhaled deeply, the air was still crisp even though it was past noon. The nervous burn in her lungs cooled with every breath she took. Ellie loved fall especially out in Jackson. It was a real sight to see. Every year the ground looked as if it had been set ablaze when the trees shed their leaves.

In the last hour Ellie had grown fascinated with the dappled afternoon light that cast scattered patterns over the scuffed white tops of her shoes, dead leaves crunched underfoot.

She preferred this overgrown auxiliary path to the road it ran parallel to. One that ran through an older town Jackson used for an outpost in the past. Her travel time would be halved if she cut through town. Ellie reasoned she’d been gone long enough to question how safe passage might be. She didn’t have the ammo to find out. She knew the path was regularly cleared by patrols. It was vital to safely move larger groups through to different parts of the area undetected, after all it had been how they’d managed to wrangle an army of sheep to the house. The trees bowed overhead, the tree line was dense on both sides, providing cover barely wide enough for a horse and cart to travel but plenty of space for her. Ellie tried not to think about Jackson. Her head spun at the prospect they might not her want back after everything she had done. She focused instead on the ground as she placed on foot in front of the other.

“Worse case, they send you away. But on the bright side,” Ellie muttered to herself. “Best case, you’re stuck in the barracks with Tommy.” At her waist she shook out her left hand at her side, a feeble attempt to distract her mind from focusing on the worst case scenario.

A twig snapped in front of her and her mind went silent. Ellie whipped her head up. About twenty or so yards away sat three mounted riders obstructing her route. Jackson riders tended to favor clothing with tans and greens and reds. These three wore deep blues and blacks. Their faces obscured with dark bandannas wrapped around their mouths. She glanced at the horses, going through a mental list of all the horses in Jackson, she couldn’t place any of them.

Either they wanted to make a fashion statement or someone else discovered Jackson’s hidden route. Ellie hoped for the former, but the glint of an arrowhead and the barrels of two hunting rifles aimed at her told a different story.

“Aw, shit.” Ellie grumbled out of the side of her mouth. “For real?”  
  


She dropped the guitar case at her feet, the handle clacked against the rest of the case; in the quiet of the moment it cracked in the air, akin to distant retort of a sniper rifle. Ellie winced at the noise, her shoulders scrunched to her neck, her hands up by her face.

If they were from Jackson she could talk to them. If not? Well, she’d made it a habit to be prepared for the worst, could never get into the idea of packing for the best.

She refused to give them a reason to shoot her first. Tension coiled in her in her limbs.

Ellie could feel the staccato of her pulse beat against the tips of her fingers. Calmly, she exhaled through her nose. With a drawn-out placating gesture, she raised her hands out to the sides at shoulder level in the universal signal for I’m probably armed, but I’m choosing not to shoot you so don’t shoot me.

Words died in Ellie’s throat when she noticed she wasn’t being approached. More alarming, she noticed the eyes of the rider nearest to her widen in fear. Something stirred in the treeline behind her. Several tree branches snapped before a haunting screech, one so present in all her waking nightmares pierced the air. Ellie was not alone. Nor was she the threat.

A second low clicking noise rose in volume from over her right shoulder followed by a third from somewhere over her left. Far too close for her to be comfortable with.

A shiver crept up the length of Ellie’s spine as the unmistakable, shambling gait of a pack of clickers closing in reached her ears. Her immunity might protect her from a bite, it won’t do shit to protect her from a gun if she was bitten.

In Ellie’s experience sometimes the best way out of situation was to remove yourself from whatever was trying to kill you, reassess, and deal with the winners if you had to. A switch in her brain flipped, her body hummed to life. Survival a familiar friend. The clicker lurched towards her.

Ellie tasted lightning.

With zero hesitation Ellie sprinted diagonally into the wooded underbrush to her left. Up and away from the closest source danger. Her hand moved swiftly underneath her jacket to where she tucked Joel’s revolver into the waistband of her jeans at her back. In one fluid motion she pulled the revolver out and released the safety. The momentum threw her off, aiming for the clicker’s head she barely managed to punch a hole in it’s shoulder. From behind her a bullet whizzed past her head, the soft pulp of the clicker’s fungal plate exploded, small chunks it’s head bounced off her arm.

She scrambled through the brush, ignored the burn of thorns as they caught in her skin and scratched raw thin lines atop the backs of her hands and along her face. An ear-piercing screech ended abruptly behind her, cut off by the loud crack of rifle fire.

Ellie ducked behind a wall of foliage, her eyes wild, frantically scanned the area for more infected. Clear. For now. She didn’t want to wait around for more.

“Stupid. So stupid.” Ellie hissed at herself. Her teeth clenched so tightly her jaw throbbed with each step. She’d let her pity party turn to carelessness in a world where the consequences held a heavy price. She couldn’t afford to fuck everything up now. Under the thrum of adrenaline in her ears she heard a gun go off, a woman’s yell, followed by the sounds of a scuffle. She needed distance.

A felled tree lay before her and with one hand she vaulted over, landing awkwardly on a patch of damp leaves. She yelped as her feet shot out from beneath her – because of course now is the time her shoes had no fucking grip – ungraciously. Ellie used the momentum of her fall to roll over her shoulder into an awkward stooping stance before the bottoms of her shoes found purchase in the dirt.

Ellie bolted towards the section of trees that flanked the three riders, barely making it thirty yards before she jumped over a particularly thick root only to be met with a small drop off. Unprepared for the quick adjustment she slammed hard on her back. Her bow thwacked against the side of her head, hitting her temple. Surprisingly it didn’t snap.

“Fucking christ!” her breath escaped her lungs in a painful rasp. With a grunt she rolled on to her front, dimly hoping the records she packed didn’t shatter on impact. She’d be pissed if they got broken over this.

Ellie pushed herself up into a low crouch, angling towards where she guessed her possible attackers could be. There was a small overhang underneath the root, it had just enough space to be half decent cover. Throwing her back against the wall of dirt, her gun trained at the spot where an enemy might land. Her adrenaline slowed, she listened for any signs of movement.

The woods grew quiescent. Her breathing was the only thing that cut through the unsettling quiet. She counted down from one-hundred and monitored the sounds of life above her. When none came she slowly maneuvered herself along the edge of the embankment. The faint snap of a twig stilled her.

“Ellie!?” She heard an older woman yell out in question.

“Ellie!? That you!?” Ellie’s breath caught as the voice drew nearer. The woman sounded familiar, but she couldn’t place it.

“Ellie! I know its you. It’s all clear.” the voice held a lilting subtle southern twang. Hearing it pulled at a thread of Ellie’s memory: Of jokes, bonding over giving Joel shit, occasional patrol shifts. The only person left in Jackson who would greet her in such a way after all that she had done. “It’s me Esther! I’m not fuckin’ with you!”

Ellie’s jaw dropped. No fuckin’ way. She cautiously peeked around the root.

“Esther?” Ellie called out tentatively. “Is that you?”

“Fuck’s sake, girl! I ain’t got time for this hide ‘n seek shit!” Esther’s relieved response came off to Ellie’s left. She stood to her full height, gun pointed down and away from the direction of her voice before the deep thudding sound of rapidly approaching footsteps got too close.

Esther gracefully dropped down next to Ellie. She turned on to face her, a grin wide and genuine plastered on her face as she took Ellie in. She scooped Ellie up in a hug that lifted her on her tiptoes.

Ellie gripped at the back of her jacket taking in her presence. Esther still smelled of gun oil and leather, with that underlying flowery scent Ellie associated with her. Esther stroked the back of Ellie’s head with her hand as she tearfully whispered in Ellie’s ear.

“Hey, kid. I thought you were gone, too.” Esther managed, her voice wavering. Ellie’s hands tightened in the leather of her jacket.

“Naw, can’t get rid of me that easy.”

Esther was Joel’s ex...something. She led the group that worked for Jackson running supplies to different towns. She came from a military background, never took shit from anyone. Bad ass and honest. Every bit Joel’s type. The two remained in contact even after they amicably separated.

Ellie regarded her, it was the first time their paths crossed since Ellie got back from Seattle. Her hair had gone completely gray since the last time they saw each other, it sat in a low ponytail at her nape. Her russet brown skin remained unmarred though she had more laugh lines around her mouth and eyes than Ellie remembered, which wasn’t surprising Ester loved a good joke. Still fit as hell at forty-eight, Ellie could feel the strength in the grip on her shoulders and allowed herself to take comfort in it.

“Put that thing away and let me get a look at you.”She released Ellie, held her out in front of her so she could give her a once over. Tears tracked down her face.

“Ma’am yes, ma’am.”, Ellie clicked the safety on and tucked the revolver back into her waistband before lazily snapping into a half-assed salute. Esther returned the motion with a sharp salute of her own her face aglow.

They had gotten off to a rough start after Joel had started dating her in earnest. Ellie had fought with him, red-faced in anger screaming that she didn’t need or want a mother; one person trying to suffocate her with rules had been enough. Esther had valiantly attempted to get on Ellie’s good side with comics and DVDs. Unwavering even when Ellie responded to Esther’s attempts with bitter defiance. Military types made her want to rebel.

Truthfully, she was afraid Joel would replace her. She favored her independence from him. When the relationship went from casual to serious, the thought that he might leave her alone for good, the thought left her completely terrified.

“At ease, kid.” Esther tossed a friendly arm over Ellie’ shoulder, tucked her into her side, and led them both back through the trees towards the horses. “Paths been cleared out. Thought you were gonna be that clickers snack.” Ellie chuckled.

“Can I ask if you’re coming home with us, yeah?” She asked, gentle, unassuming, like everything that happened between them Esther let Ellie dictate where things would go.

After her fight with Joel, Esther had tracked Ellie to an old abandoned boxing gym – where she learned people used to pay to see two people beat the ever-loving shit out of each other for fun – they playfully sparred on the musty mats until Esther pretended to lose in the most melodramatic fashion. In that moment Ellie realized Esther cared about her beyond Joel. After that, Ellie chilled out. She didn’t want a second parent, but she was cool with having an Esther.

Yeah.” Ellie nodded. She swiped away an unshed tear at the comer of her eye. She hadn’t wanted to get to Jackson sooner than she planned but if Esther was on her side maybe they’d let her in.

Esther gave her shoulder a friendly shake as they stepped on to the path. Ellie’s mad dash had brought her about ten yards past two horses. She noted someone brought her guitar case over. The third horse had disappeared. She couldn’t find the other riders.

“You hear any good jokes lately?” Esther asked as they shared a fond look and laughed.

“Oh yeah I heard a good one; What do you call-” Ellie began, immediately distracted by the figure on her peripheral stomping rapidly towards her. Next thing she was aware of was a spike of pain that rattled along the left side of her face. Stars popped in her vision. She felt her lip split where she’d reflexively bitten it.

“Motherfucker!” Ellie spat out. “Who taught you how to punch, a child!?” She collapsed to one knee, her vision spotty from the ill-aimed punch, the left side of her face cradled in her right hand. She balled the sleeve of her jacket up around the fingers of her left hand to dab cautiously at her lip.

“That’s for my little sister!” A woman’s voice snapped at her. Not just any voice, the distinct voice of the woman she’d made a promise to look after Dina.

“Talia!?” Ellie’s jaw dropped, confusion winning out against the pain. She never expected to see her on patrol, let alone in Jackson. She wore thick-rimmed tortoiseshell glasses, her dark brown hair tied up and held off of her face by a deep navy blue scarf with a cornflower blue hamsa sewn into it. The one Ellie watched Dina give to her older sister over a year ago before she took off for Colorado.

“Shit, that hurt.” Talia griped. “You’re head’s too fucking dense.”

“Yeah, well you chose to punch me. So whose fault is that, huh?”

“Woah! Woah! Woah! What in the god damn hell was that for?!” Esther, eyes wide with shock and confusion; positioned herself between the two women, a hand facing each woman as if the two were spooked horses caught out of their pasture.

“It’s cause she’s such a fuckin’ dick.” Ellie hissed through her teeth.

“Ellie.” Talia stood tall, shaking her right hand out with a wince before she crossed her arms over her chest, hip cocked out. “Glad to see you haven’t lost your sense of humor.”

“Nice to see you too, Talia.” Ellie scrutinized the wrist of her jacket, wiping at the small spatter of blood. At least it wasn’t her favorite jacket.

“I take it you two know each other then. I don’t need to introduce you.” Esther commented, looking back and forth between them. The two other women bitterly laughed in unison. Well, Ellie dribbled blood all over her chin. Esther relaxed when it looked like the two of them weren’t going to kill each other.

“Ellie stay there I’m gonna go grab my med kit. And you,” She poked her finger into Talia’s shoulder. “Don’t fucking touch her.” She looked up to the sky exasperated. “I only have so many supplies.”

“Guess I can't help you up then.” Talia sassed, offering Ellie an open hand anyway. She hauled Ellie up with relative ease until she was face to face with Talia’s chin. She took a step back and tilted her head up to glare at her.

“One. What are you doing here? More importantly: Two. Dina doesn't need you to punch me for her.” Ellie spat blood on the ground, wiping at her mouth. She ran her tongue over her teeth none of which felt loose, which was promising. Her mouth quirked up at “She’s totally capable of doing that herself, you asshole.”

“One.” Talia sneered putting her left pointer finger up. “I came out to visit my sister and my nephew after word got around that you ran off to who knows where. And Two.” She put a second finger. “You are absolutely right. That punch was for me.” Talia exhaled sharply with her hands on her hips. “I feel better now don’t you.”

Ellie flipped her off. Talia’s glare softened at that. “And another thing…”

“If you got a list.” Ellie deadpanned. “Write it down, Christ.”

Talia drew herself to her full height. She looked every bit as dangerous as Dina made her out to be in the stories she’d told her about New Mexico. She understood what kind of things Talia would do for her family.

“What did I tell you the last time we talked.” Talia’s voice hardened.

The last time they talked was before JJ was born. Talia had taken Ellie aside while Dina was getting checked out at the infirmary. Ellie remembered how Talia gripped her shoulder so hard she bruised, setting her with a hard, unwavering stare that had Ellie genuinely concerned for her own safety.

Listen, she’s going to follow you to the end of the earth and back if you let her. I like you well enough because you make her happy, but if you pull any shit like this again and hurt her. I swear I’ll make you wish you never met me.”

“Pretty sure you threatened to kill me if I hurt Dina. Not Ellie I’m gonna cold clock you before saying hi.” Ellie responded attempting to keep some broken form of self-preservation alive. Talia’s eyes narrowed at her, when she spoke her voice was low and more dangerous that Ellie had ever heard it.

“You remember this the next time you consider doing anything that hurts my sister. This is my final warning. She may forgive you, but I don’t.” She released a long sigh of air. Her body deflating as she took on a kinder tone. “I am glad to see you aren’t dead and to secure my little sister’s happiness I will refrain from killing you myself.”

“Gee. Thanks.”

Esther returned with a wet cloth and a canteen. Her movements slow and measured. Ellie thanked her, wiped the blood from her lip and swished around a mouthful of water before spitting it out. The water was tinted pink if you really paid attention. She probably looked worse than she was.

“Ill give you two a moment. I’ll be over there with Macy.” Esther pointed over to the American Quarter with the beautiful dapple gray coat standing ten yards away. She passed by Ellie, hand coming to pat Ellie’s shoulder before she bent down to grab Ellie’s guitar case off the ground, and headed over to attend to her horse. Ellie’s eyes followed the swish of the mares tail before a short cough redirected her attention.

“You aren’t gonna tell her I’m back are you?” Ellie inquired softly.

Of course I am.” Talia scoffed, her mouth scored into a deep frown, shaking her head in disappointment. Like Ellie had the answers to the test, but still got the questions wrong. The motion ached of Dina, it’s familiarity pained Ellie. “You leaving really fucked her up, you know.” Even the evil eye centered on her headscarf seemed to glare at Ellie.

Ellie pressed firmly against her brow with the knuckles of her right hand. Her upper torso rocked back and forth as she absorbed the information. Her face tightened enough that it wrinkled her chin.

Ellie sucked her lips into her mouth, and she tasted copper all over again.

She’d known her choice hurt Dina, part of her spent the last month blindly pretending it was fine. Ellie wished Talia would punch her until she couldn’t stand instead. Ellie could handle that kind of pain. This simple admission of truth sucked the air out of her lungs.

“Okay.” The word came out broken and watery to her own ears. A flash of pity crossed Talia’s face. Ellie didn’t want it. She steeled her voice and met Talia’s eyes. “Just, can you tell her that, I-I’m not gonna bother her. Or JJ. I don’t wanna undo anything she’s built for herself.”

Talia considered her for a second, face unreadable. Ellie held under the scrutiny.

“I’ll think about it.”

“Thank you.”

“Y’all still alive over there?” Esther called from somewhere behind Macy. “

We’re alive.” Talia returned.

“For now.” Ellie added. Talia’s mouth quirked up at that.

Esther rounded out from around Macy, where she had tied Ellie’s case down to the mares saddle packs, and walked over to where Talia and Ellie stood. She clapped her hands together.

“Well as much as I’d love to let you two talk it out, I sent Grace ahead to report back to Jackson soon as I saw it was you. We’re losing daylight and I told her we wouldn't be too far behind. Ladies, I’d hate to be made a liar.”

The three of them walked over to the Macy and the brown mare that grazed next to her.

“Don’t you two go pulling that shit again around me you hear. The last thing I want to do is tie you both up and toss you over the back of Macy til you can act like adults.” Ellie snorted, knowing full well she would be true to her word.

“She’ll do it.”

Esther gave Ellie a playful shove as she reached her other hand into her pack and pulled out a red delicious apple, handing it over to Ellie to give to Macy. The mare curiously huffed before she grabbed it out of Ellie’s flat hand, crunching down happily on the treat.

“You get yourself right while you were gone?” Ellie, mentally second guessed everything that happened the last two weeks, said nothing. Instead she put a hand on Macy’s flank and held it there. The warmth that radiated from the horse calmed the buzz in her fingers.

“It’s okay to not be okay you know.” Ellie turned her head and watched Esther swing herself up onto the saddle.

“Well, let’s get you back to Jackson. You’re riding with me.” Esther reached a hand down to Ellie, who took it and hauled herself up into the back of the saddle. “Since little miss violent tendencies over here might throw you from her horse.”

______________

Their little group arrived back at Jackson two hours after dinner. It was a Saturday evening so of course the whole town was out. Approaching Jackson made her palms sweat at having to face anyone, let alone the whole crowd. Ellie listened to the gentle murmur of the town drift above the walls. The air smelled of burning firewood, Ellie’s stomach growled as she caught a whiff of some unknown meat being cooked. In the days excitement she’d forgotten to eat and a gnawing hunger had returned in force.

Foregoing the thick metal main entrance, they passed along the shadows of the wall until they arrived in front of the fortified wooden gate near the stables. The noise from the town settled from boisterous laughter and soft music to soft neighs of horses and the occasional shouting of an order. The gate had been opened enough to let them through yet Esther and Talia dismounted right outside, which didn’t follow the usual protocol, until she saw the figure approaching them from out.

The trip back had consisted of shared jokes and listening to Esther and Talia talk about some party Ellie had no intent of going to. Along with the comforting lull of Macy’s trot Ellie had felt less worked up about coming back. All that had melted away once she saw Maria.

Maria.

Fuck.

Ellie’s mouth grew so dry she felt like she trekked through Nevada all over again.

Talia dismounted first leading her horse through the gate, passing Maria with a nod. She paused at the door and turned to face Ellie, half her face hidden by shadow. Before she entered Jackson, she tipped her chin at Ellie in neutral acknowledgment.

Ellie nodded back. She felt her palms grow sweaty with the knowledge that entirely too soon for her liking, Dina would know she was back.

Esther untied Ellie’s guitar from the saddle and handed over it to her. She cradled the good side of Ellie’ s face with her hand. Ellie leaned into the touch. She’d forgotten what human touch felt like. Her cheeks flushed and she hoped Esther couldn’t feel how embarrassed she felt for craving it so much.

“You’ll be okay Ellie.” With her thumb Esther stroked a tear away from Ellie’s cheek that had slipped down from her eye without her realizing. “I’m really glad you’re back. You come visit me when I’m in town.”

“I will, Esther. Thanks for the ride.” Ellie fidgeted with an errant string on her jacket sleeve. “I’m really glad it was you that found me.” Esther smiled down at her, warm honey brown eyes bright with affection.

“Me too, kid.” She ruffled Ellie’s hair and led Macy towards the wooden gate. “See ya ‘round.” Esther flashed her a cheesy salute, which Ellie half-heartedly returned.

Maria nodded to Esther who whispered something in her ear as she turned to face Ellie for the first time in months. Ellie stood stock still, going far enough to slow her breathing down to imperceptible movements. She had been dropped off outside the gate after all. She readied herself for Maria to yell at her. To turn her away.

“Maria. I-” Ellie began. Stepping forward ready to beg for a forgiveness she hadn’t earned.

“None of that bullshit, Ellie. You’re family.” Maria scoffed at her as she reached out to envelop Ellie in a warm embrace. Relief flooded her whole body, she found herself fully relaxing her full weight against Maria, witty response trapped behind a wall of emotion in her chest.

When Ellie calmed herself, Maria shifted her so she could get a good look. Her eyes carefully searched over her for injuries. Ellie hid her hand in her left sleeve when Maria’s gaze passed over. Maria pushed Ellie two steps forward so she could take in Ellie’s full appearance under the light attached to the middle of the gate’s archway.

Too little too late, Ellie realized she hadn’t looked at herself in a mirror since she came back from the coast. Too afraid to see a stranger stand in the spot where she used to play with her little Spud. She had no idea who Maria was seeing.

Earlier she made little effort to clean the blood off. Combined with the swelling on her face and split lip; she probably looked like she could compete against a shambler in an ugly motherfucker contest. If the gasp Maria made was anything to go by Ellie was the winner.

Suddenly self-conscious, Ellie pinched at the skin between her thumb and forefinger. Unable to continue their eye contact, she gazed up at the glow of Jackson’s lights on the dark sky. It felt unreal to see them this close up after months of seeing them across the valley.

“Rough day?” Maria joked.

“Something like that.”

“What happened to your face.” Maria pointed at her split lip and what Ellie suspected was a handsome shiner.

“It’s my new look, you like it?” Ellie quipped, Maria’s mouth set in hard line and Ellie acquiesced the truth.

“Talia and I had a talk. She made some pretty good points.”

“I’m guessin’ the talk went well then?”

“I’m alive aren’t I? Great talk. Went super well.”

Maria covered her mouth with a hand. Her body shook gently in a failed attempt to pretend she was the put together leader of Jackson.

”That girl is a fire cracker. She’s grown useful around here these last few months. Guess that’s one less thing for me to worry about.”

Few months? Ellie chest caught at the implication that Talia had uprooted her life to take care of Dina where Ellie had failed. She had promised Talia she’d protect Dina, and she couldn’t even protect her from herself.

“Let’s go get you patched up at the infirmary.” Maria drew her out of her mental spiral with a hand on her forearm.

“I’m fine.”

“Ellie this isn’t up for debate.” Maria’s voice slipped into a more authoritative tone. The one that most people in Jackson didn’t dare argue with. Ellie, to her detriment at times, was not most people.

“Maria.” Her voice barely rose over the silence. “Please not tonight.”

Maria sighed at Ellie. Her back slouched, it made her look less like the leader of Jackson and more like her adoptive Aunt.

“Okay, you don’t have to go in, but I need to pick up supplies anyway. For myself and for your” Maria gave Ellie a pointed look as she swept her finger around her own face. “Everything going on there. And tomorrow, you’re going to get checked out no arguments.”

“What how?” Ellie’s brows knitted together over Maria’s frighteningly good perception. Ellie surreptitiously glanced down at her hand to confirm that it was in fact still hidden in her sleeve. It was, even in the stable lights it wasn’t easy to see. If no one knew any better she was merely counting to three.

“I run a town, Ellie. I have my ways.” Maria held out her hands, her eyes gently asking for permission. “And my ways are named Esther.” Ellie tapped her foot. Once. Twice. Before she placed her hand in Maria’s.

Maria inhaled sharply as she touched the back of Ellie’s hand, nostrils flaring as she tried to keep her face neutral. Gently touching along the angry puffed up, red lines that crisscrossed the pack of Ellie’s hand. One scratch, a violently dashed cartographers line against the pale of her skin lead directly the knuckle of her ring finger. Maria followed the mapline. When she ghosted her fingers near Ellie’s ring finger her facade fell. She frowned, forehead creased deeply as she gently pressed at the base.

“Can you feel that?” Maria watched her with such a concerned look it made Ellie’s skin hurt. She couldn’t feel the touch. Ellie yanked her hand back with more force than was necessary for such a gentle hold, practically punching herself in the chest.

Maria tried not to look hurt. Ellie caught how her face fell. She couldn’t miss it. Shame tethered her eyes to a patch of brown dirt at the bottom of the gate door.

“Why are you like this?” She muttered under her breath. “Yeah. Feelin’s been coming back.”

“Ellie-” Maria started. Reaching out. She was being too nice. Ellie felt cornered even though the two of them stood alone outside the gate. They looked at each other. Ellie scratched the side of her nose. She was being careless with Maria’s kind offer to not send her away.

“Don’t worry,” Ellie brought her thumb and pointer finger together. “I can still flip you off.” The glow from the overhead light it made the pink of the scars look darker.

Oh good.” Maria drawled. “That is exactly what I was most worried about.” Her shoulders heaved, almost in defeat. She rubbed at her temple, nodding towards the gate. “I should have expected this shit from you. Come on lets get inside.”

Ellie stepped inside the walls of Jackson for the first time in over six months. She took the time to glance around. The main rows of buildings were visible off in the distance, the light of a small bonfire rise over the roof tops, the lights were still on. She’d changed so much, would she still have a place?

The town wasn’t all the same, the physical town stayed the same but the people, they always change. Eight sentries posted along the gates, four on either side of the gate. Ellie distracted herself by observing the faces of the sentries. None of whom she recognized. The four in the sentry towers, stood arms folded over the rifles slung about their front, shouted greetings down at Maria who waved up at them.

The group on the ground pulled the gate closed, yelling out commands to each other as it locked with a secure thud of the large wooden latch falling into place. None of them were familiar. Nothing stays the same. Jackson had taken in quite a few new people. Maria was always looking out for others.

Ellie didn’t miss late night watch shifts. Her and Joel had started out on a maintenance crew. Ellie complained she could be doing more than patching up holes and fixing broken steps so often Joel caved and put in a good word with the watchman leader, Billy, to give her a chance. She’d been overjoyed at the thought of “defending” Jackson until she learned she’d be standing around at night. Staring into the dark, stuck with a bunch of people who didn’t know half as much as she did about surviving, try and teach her how to aim. After that she found a new appreciation for maintenance, at least she could listen to music while she did menial tasks.

Maria brought them past the darkened stables, empty except for the horses and the occasional light of a farrier working late. Most people spent their Saturday night out before taking it easy on Sunday which meant everyone that wasn’t on watch shifts would be at the town center drinking or at home.

Ellie made to cut through the center of town towards the clinic. Maria stopped her with a gentle hand between her shoulder blades and pushed her towards the shadows along the wall.

“We’re goin’ around. I don’t need the town gossips starting shit tonight. You can see everyone tomorrow.”

They clung to the outskirts of the town and, Ellie was grateful Maria had suggested it. The thought of having to deal with people right now put her on edge. She ran her hand through her hair and almost walked straight into Maria’s back when she stopped along the back side of the clinic. The light from the street lit up half of the alleyway, it didn’t reach far enough back give away their position. Maria turned to face Ellie.

“Alright, you hang here.”Maria pulled out a ring leaden with keys. “I’m gonna run in and grab a couple of things.” She jogged around to the front, Ellie heard the faint jingle of keys and the soft click of a door, she was alone.

Ellie peered out to the street, a couple of people milled about, too far out to be any real concern of hers.

She pulled at the material of her pant leg as she squinted to see if anyone was heading towards the building. Her heightened sense of paranoia made her stick to the dark area of the clinic wall. The last thing she’d want would be for Dina to some how need a band-aid or something and see Ellie before she was ready.

“Oh my god,” Ellie whispered to herself, she’d watched to many stupid movies. “There is no way that could happen.”

“No way what could happen?” Ellie jumped a foot in the air, hand pressed her chest heart thumping wildly. Under the right lighting Ellie was confident she’d be able to see her heart beat through her jacket. Maria cackled from where she propped herself, hands on her knees against the building.

“Fuck you you did that on purpose!” Ellie accused. Maria put an arm around her shoulders a smug look on her face.

“Come on, kid. Before you have a heart attack out here.”

“This is fuckin’ bullshit.”

They kept along towards the house Maria and Tommy shared near the entrance of the gate. Ellie fell back, her lips pursed together as she eyed the windows of the house. Maria noticed the way Ellie slowed down behind her.

“He’s not here, Ellie. It’s just you and me talking tonight.”

Maria’s house hadn’t changed much. The white spot of the old paint job, where Tommy had run out of green paint, was still there. The second stair from the bottom still creaked when any pressure was put on it. The only thing different was that the porch light was out. Ellie tried to recall a time where it hadn’t been on.

Maria paused as she swung open the door and crossed the threshold into her house looking back down where Ellie stood, foot hovering over the top step.

“Welcome back, Ellie. You hungry?”

“Starving.”

____________

Maria heated up some venison stew she had grabbed from the mess hall on the wood stove in the kitchen just as Ellie finished up properly cleaning her wounds in the living room.

“Fuck this smells good.” Ellie strode over to the dining room table that was really still part of the kitchen, pre-outbreak folks got weird whenever she pointed that out. Unceremoniously she plopped down into the nearest random chair, the white wooden one Ellie had painted flowers on in apology which protested underneath her with a loud creak. Maria placed the bowl of stew in front of Ellie fixing her with a warning look.

“Don’t break another chair please. I like this one.” Maria looped back to the kitchen to cut a large loaf of fresh bread.

“That was one time!”

“Yeah, and you got me this one. Lemme see your hand.” Maria watched Ellie with concern. The lighting in the house was much brighter. Even without all the scratches, her hand looked intense.

“See. Fine.” Ellie lifted it slightly before she pinched at Maria with her fingers. “I’m like a T-rex.” She stuffed her hand under the table, not wanting her every movement to be scrutinized.

Maria caught on that she wasn’t going to get to look at them proper until tomorrow, she turned to her task at the counter.

“I got a pot of coffee going too if you want some.” The spoon in Ellie’s hand hovered over her bowl, a few veggies fell from their pile on her spoon back into the bowl with a splash.

“Sure.”

Maria brought over the bread and placed it in the center of the small table. The plate it was on clunked quietly against the wood of the table. She went back to the kitchen having already eaten for the night, she still picked away at a piece of bread anyway leaning against the kitchen counter while she watched Ellie wolf down her meal.

Ellie ripped off a piece of bread and stuffed it into her mouth with a groan. It was a hearty bread, crunchy on the outside, soft on the inside, it paired well with the savory stew. There was a hint of sweetness from the veggies in the broth that tied it all together. It was a combination of textures and flavors that reminded her of Dina’s cooking.

Dina had really taken to cooking after JJ was born for someone who had never cooked all that much before, she was actually an amazing cook. Ellie figured Dina would burn the place down. The one time where her bread burnt in the oven due to Ellie distracting her on the couch aside, Dina’s record was spotless.

Ellie closed her eyes remembering how nice it was to eat a home cooked meal, she hadn’t felt that way since the night before Tommy arrived. Her last real meal as a family. Ellie swallowed thickly, her food catching in her throat a little. She opened her eyes, and reached for the glass of water Maria deposited in front her earlier, draining the glass.

Ellie tore off another piece of bread dipping in her soup to chase away her rapidly darkening thoughts before they could strangle her; Ellie ate like it was the first time she arrived in Jackson; tearing off more bread from the loaf and gorging herself with a second large bowl of stew, she ate until she felt sick. Ellie burped loudly when she was done eating.

“Compliments to the chef.” Maria laughed from her spot in the kitchen. A fond smile on her face.

Maria padded over, picked up the dinnerware from the table and sat them by the sink. When the coffee cooled enough, she brought the pot over.

Maria held out a plain blue mug and a red mug with “I have come here to drink coffee and kick ass and I haven’t had my coffee yet.” printed on it in white block letters. Ellie pointed to the red mug, which Maria promptly filled and set down, before she moved the only other chair across from Ellie to the section of table to her right. She relaxed in her seat. This wasn’t an interrogation.

“Cheers.” Maria leaned over and tapped her mug against Ellie’s. Ellie lifted her mug in return taking a large swig. She coughed and gagged from the bitterness. Her face scrunched up at the foul taste. She stuck her tongue out in the hopes would taste less awful outside her mouth.

“Ugh. How Joel thought this shit water was actually delicious is beyond me.” Ellie complained. Maria’s hand froze halfway between the table and her mouth at the mention of Joel eyebrow raised, lips pressed thin. Waiting.

Even after Ellie returned from Seattle she’d avoided mentioning Joel. Dina babbled all sorts of stories about Jesse to JJ, made just speaking about the dead look so easy. Dina would try to get her to talk, said it might help. The prospect of doing so felt like food poisoning in her mind. Ellie recalled a big fight when Ellie overheard Dina tell JJ about how great her Grampa Joel was. She’d locked herself in her studio that night, scratching graphite lines into paper in the hopes that when she was done, Joel would be staring back at her. He never could, not when his eyes weren’t right.

Ellie rubbed at the left side of her nose and placed her mug down. The hardened clay clattered against the wood of the table, too loud, she scowled at it.

“This was his favorite coffee.” Maria quietly offered. Her focused gaze never leaving Ellie’s face.

“Pfft.” Ellie, fiddled with her mug, turning it around on the table by the handle. “Any coffee Joel could get his hands on was his favorite coffee. Good coffee doesn’t exist, even before the outbreak.” She took another sip.

How’d Joel always end their debates about coffee?

“Beggars can’t be choosers, I guess.”

Maria pushed up from the table wordlessly, strode over to an old mini bar in the corner, and returned with a clear bottle of brown liquid clutched in her hand.

“Some traders came by last week and I nabbed this. Wanna try a Kentucky Coffee?” Maria asked. The liquid splashed around inside the bottle when she raised it towards Ellie. She wrenched the cork out with a loud pop, shrugged, and dumped a generous amount into her own mug.

“Fuck it.” Ellie pushed her mug over. Maria smirked as she poured a finger of bourbon into the coffee. Ellie watched as the amber liquid disappeared into the black brew. She wasn’t much of a drinker, really only drank when she faced something she wasn’t emotionally prepared to handle. Which meant she drank whenever Dina was around when she started to acknowledge she might feel more than friendship.

While she sipped at her drink Ellie placed her head in the palm of her left hand. It was still a strange sensation, knowing her fingers were gone, still feeling sensations like they were there. Losing Joel had felt the same. Several times in Seattle she’d round a corner and expect him to be standing there ready to hunt down Abby with her, so she wouldn’t be going it alone.

The room grew quiet, broken up by the occasional creak of someone shifting in their chair, or the gentle swallow of coffee being consumed. Ellie wasn’t ready to tell Maria her whole story. It was already difficult enough for her to tell herself what had transpired. There was one thing she had to admit. After a few hearty sips, the anguish inside abated long enough for her to get out the words she hadn’t spoken to anyone.

“I found her.” Ellie glanced over to Maria who watched her over the rim of her mug. Her forehead puckered. She made no move to say anything, so Ellie continued.

“I found her, where Tommy said she’d be and,” Ellie kept her mug to her lips hoping that she could get it out without Maria really hearing it. “I let her walk away.” She needed to tell someone. She’d let the truth kill her if she kept it inside. Ellie held her breath, until her chest gripped vice like around her lungs. Her eyes never left Maria’s face.

Maria drew her bottom lip into her mouth in a thin line, placed her mug down in front of her. She rested her elbows on the table and steepled her fingers in front of her chin.

“Ellie, you don’t have to tell me what happened. But I do need to know if anyone is gonna come knocking on my gate looking for you.”

Ellie put her head in her hands and considered everything.

The hollow look in Abby’s eyes, when Ellie pressed the blade of her knife to that kids throat.

The broken look as her boat sped off into the fog.

Ellie had no doubts that she would never see the two of them again unless she was the one who hunted them down.

“No.” Ellie gritted out. “It’s over.”

She’d put her knife to a boy’s throat like a fucking monster. She dug a knuckle against her jaw. A dull ache formed as she pressed into the bruising there; punishment for the shame she felt. She was no better than the people who used her to get to Joel.

Maria reached out and gently pulled Ellie’s hand away from her face, tipping her chin up so she could look, directly but not unkindly into her eyes.

“Ellie. You did the right thing.” Maria’s voice was soft. She gave Ellie’s chin a gentle stroke before she grabbed her own cup and took a sip. “Joel always hoped you’d be better than him.”

Ellie downed the last of her drink and poured herself more in response, the bourbon to coffee ratio erring on the side of bourbon. She finished it in one long pull, the burn of the bourbon as it slid down her throat was enough of a distraction for her. She poured herself another this time with a more reasonable ratio of liquids. Maria cleared her throat.

“Tommy’s gone, by the way.” Maria eyes explored the area above Ellie’s head, watching some interaction only she could see play out on the ceiling. “I sent him to run the outpost two towns over.”

“What happened?” Ellie clenched her hands on the table top so hard her knuckles cracked.

“Dina arrived in Jackson a week after Tommy went up there,” Maria lowed her gaze to Ellie, mouth tight as she exhaled through her nose. “She came back looking like she hadn’t known peace since the day she was born with little JJ bundled up in her arms and no you in sight.” Maria’s jaw tightened, she laughed mirthlessly. “He told me he wasn’t gonna say anything about that girl.” Her tone turned mocking. “I’m just gonna go visit.”

Maria tipped her head back, blinked several times before she poured a shot into her empty mug. She tossed it down in a second, and slammed her mug on the table, her mouth turning down at the burn of alcohol.

Ellie wrung her left middle and pointer fingers in her right hand. Maria didn’t deserve all the pain she’d caused her with her recklessness. Nor did Dina.

Fuck... Dina...

Under the stupor of alcohol Ellie wondered if Dina ever wanted to see her again. Her knees bounced up and down, shaking the table slightly. Maria put a hand on her knee to still them.

With a dramatic groan, Maria stood to clear the table. She cast a glance at Ellie.

“Ellie I see your brain turning like one of them turbines in the dam. It’s the middle of the damn night. Dina is sleeping. She needs her rest. and so do you.” Maria gave Ellie’s shoulder a gentle squeeze. “You can see her later today.”

Ellie’s shoulders tightened. She didn’t deserve to seek out Dina no matter how much she wanted to see her. She’d lost that privilege when she walked out.

Despite Maria citing her presence as that of “a guest” Ellie snatched up the coffee pot and the two mugs, depositing them in the sink. It was late, just after midnight by the way Maria kept opening her eyes wide was anything to go by. Ellie could feel the burn in her own eyes. They both needed sleep.

Maria pushed her chair in behind her after Ellie forgot to on her way over to the ugly pink floral couch she hated so much. Who fucking thought that was a good design?

“Who do you think you are, Tommy?” Maria made an attempt at lightening the mood, her words sunk like a stone in Ellie’s gut. “That’s the dog house and you ain’t in it. I’ve made up the guest bedroom for you upstairs.” She pointed over her shoulder with her thumb at the stairs. “It’s yours until we can find you your own place.” Ellie’s eyes watered at the offer. A place to stay and the promise that she would not be sent away. Even though Ellie had ruined all the good things in her life.

“C’mon.” Maria turned to go up the stairs. Ellie found herself rooted to the spot. She opened her mouth and whispered into the space between them, the words that she tried to block behind the haze of alcohol all night.

“I’m sorry, Maria.” Her breathing grew more difficult with each word. Her head felt light, she forced herself to continue. “For Tommy.” Ellie pulled at the nub of her ring finger with the thumb of her left hand, stretching the skin harshly. The pain didn’t register. “I didn’t bring him back whole.”

“Ellie, no.”

There was a moment of quiet, before a low, deafening howl sounded from some where in the house. Ellie barely noticed she was it’s origin. Her chest heaved, she staggered forward, fingers gripped tightly at her biceps.

“Ellie! Ellie, honey you need to breathe okay?!” Maria’s voice faded in her ears. Ellie’s eardrums tightened from the pressure building at the back of her head.

Ellie registered Maria arms going underneath her armpits to steady her as they sunk down. Ellie's head hit something solid as warmth wound around her torso. On the edge of her perception, Ellie acknowledged the steady rise and fall of whatever object she was on. Eventually she tried to match her breathing to it.

“That’s it. Ellie. You’re safe.” Eventually, she returned to herself with Maria whispering quiet reassurances in her ear. Everything hurt, even the skin behind her eyelids. Ellie tried to speak, her jaw wouldn’t unlock enough for anything to slip out. She let Maria support her, no longer able to hold up her own weight.

Maria hummed a low familiar tune while she rocked them back and forth until Ellie quieted down completely.

Maria spoke after some time.

“He tell you why we separated?”

Ellie smeared her tears and snot all over the shoulder of the nice tan work shirt Maria wore in response. Ellie needed to remember to clean it for her. She readjusted to catch a glimpse of Maria’s face. She watched Ellie patiently, her eyebrows raised in question.

“No? I didn’t think he would. He was obsessed with that girl in a way I never imagined he was capable of. Thought Jackson livin’ had softened him up too much. He’d push me away.” Maria frowned at the space in front of her, biting her lip. Her grip on Ellie stiffened. “His vengeance seeped into every little aspect of his life. He’d ask anyone who came through about a girl with big arms and a boy with scars on his face.”

Ellie sat back, keeping a light hold on Maria’s forearms.

“You were healing and he went up there and opened that wound. After...” Maria’s eyes shimmered and she dabbed absentmindedly at them. “After I begged him not to do that to you. Not while you were building a life out there.”

Ellie couldn’t hold Maria’s gaze any longer. The patterns in the wooden kitchen floor suddenly more interesting than anything she had ever seen in her life. She released her hold on Maria.

“I wasn’t.” Ellie admitted, with a short laugh. “I wasn’t healing. I didn’t think about her all that often. It was Joel, always Joel. I felt so much guilt.” She wrapped her arms around herself. “I- feel so much guilt.”

Ellie’s eyes watered as she stared helplessly at Maria. Trying to find the answers to her problems hidden away somewhere in her cautious gaze. She didn’t.

There was only one person still alive whose eyes made her feel like she knew what to do next.

“So you’re telling me, if Tommy hadn’t shown up with that lead, you’d’ve left to kill her at some point anyway? You spent all that time up there not hunting down information, you’d have left that if he hadn’t pushed you the way he did?”

There it was. The question she had avoided asking herself. She made the choice to leave, she knew that. But would she have left Dina on her own?

Yes? Maybe? She didn’t know what she would have done.

She only knew that she couldn’t stop thinking about Joel. Couldn’t sleep without seeing his face, caved in and covered in blood. Couldn’t remember his eyes. Ellie clutched at her chest, the skin felt too tight there and she longed for nothing more than to be able to pull it away and get some air.

Ellie thought about how she wasn’t even supposed to make it to Jackson, how she was supposed to die with Riley, how she was supposed to be the cure, how she had spent her life waiting for the next chance for her death to mean something after Joel stripped her of her choice. How all she wanted was to forgive him now that he was gone.

“Joel,” Ellie sobbed, her throat ached to snap close, to prevent her from ever speaking the truth. If she ever wanted a chance to live she’d have to admit it. “we didn’t get to fix what we broke. Tommy didn’t make me go I had to go. I had to fix it. I made that choice. I ruin everything if I stick around long enough.”

Maria enfolded Ellie in another strong embrace. Her hand traced soothing circles on her back as she put her chin on the crown of Ellie’s head before she spoke. Voice wet like she was barely able to keep it together herself, her throat bobbed against Ellie’s temple.

“I want you to understand one thing Ellie. He made a choice just the same. He had a choice to keep that shit to himself. The night he visited you. He caused a disturbance over at the Tipsy Bison. Drank himself blind, calling you a damn coward for not wanting to kill anymore. That wasn’t something you did Ellie. He did that to himself. You cannot blame yourself for the choices others make.

“I still made a choice.”

“Yeah you did, and that choice concerns you and whatever happened out there. And you gotta live with that. You didn’t make a choice for Tommy understand?”

“Maria,” Ellie cried, desperately trying to get Maria understand it was her fault. “If Tommy had a choice to bring me that map. I had a choice to stay. I didn’t even think about it that long.”

“No Ellie. You can’t keep thinkin like that." Maria sighed, wearily.

“Between you and me some days I wish he made me a widow. Then I’d never have to watch him slowly kill the good parts of himself the way he did. Brain injuries and trauma can change a person, but it’s no excuse, Tommy’s still in there. Just as you are still in here.” She poked the center of Ellie’s forehead. “There is a choice you’re making right now and that’s the one that matters. The choice get better doesn’t get taken away from us.”

Ellie rested her head on Maria’s shoulder again. Wrestled with the knowledge that Tommy made his decision and it wasn’t her own.

With a few lingering back rubs and a gentle tap on her back Maria signaled she needed to get up, leaning on the chair for support, groaning as the feeling came back to her legs after sitting so long.

“Guess I’m not as young as I used to be.” Maria lamented, hands digging along her thighs to get the feeling back into them.

Ellie stood too, her whole body felt numb to her shaking her limbs out forced pins and needles to shoot to phantom fingers. Ellie ignored the feeling, pulled a chair out to sit at the table. The two of them stayed up a half and hour longer talking about nonsense, until their tears had dried and the first signs of dawn crested over the wall of the dam. Ellie was certain her throat had a hole ripped through it. Wiping the crusted snot and dry tracks of salt off her face with her left hand Ellie reached over and put her right hand on top of Maria’s.

“Thank you Maria. For letting me stay. For this. I needed it.”

“I tell you what.” Maria looked her in the eyes as she covered Ellie’s hand with her own, smoothed her thumb over scraped knuckles. “You and me meet here every Sunday afternoon for lunch, unless there’s something more serious to attend to. We sit here and we talk, see where it takes us. Can you do that for me Ellie?”

“Yeah. Yeah I think I can.” Not like she had much left to lose anyway.

“Now come on, Ellie. Bed time for real. We’ll start dealing with whatever bullshit we have to when you wake up. There’s time.”

They climbed up the stairs, Ellie after Maria. When they reached the top of the stairs Maria opened the guest room. Ellie gave her a nod, thanks as she walked past her.

Exhaustion made her forgo taking off her clothes and after toeing her boots off, letting them clunk against the hard wood of the floor. Ellie flopped on to the bed breathing in the fresh linen scent, her body sank into the soft plush of the mattress. She passed out as a few rays of sun filtered through the window onto her face.

For the first time in a year. Ellie slept twelve uninterrupted hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you as always for reading!  
> Again, many apologies for any offensively bad grammar mistakes. Self editing is rough, yo. But I'll fix it when I can.
> 
> This chapter was a little self-indulgent as I was really bitter they cut Esther out from the game. She was mentioned in One Night Live and I really wanted to see Joel be awkward trying to impress a lady as well as give Ellie someone who could keep up with her without cramping her style.  
> Using the power of Fuck You Neil, I Do What I Want With Your Characters. Talia is alive and well, because dammit I need this. She moves around a lot because she doesn't want to get too comfortable but will totally find ways to check in with Dina.  
> Based on the snippets Dina shared with Ellie about her sister and New Mexico I believe that if Talia had been at the church the night Seth ran his mouth and heard what he said to her baby sister, Seth would be dead.
> 
> Next Up: This Train is Pullin' into Emotional Reunion Station.


	4. The Stains Coming From My Blood Tell Me Go Back Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back in Jackson Ellie begins the long process towards healing, and runs into the one person that could break her completely.

_Ellie! Ellie!_ The door was closed, she couldn’t get through.  Her hand slipped against the metal  o f the doorknob, unable to get a grip. Joel needed her and she was too weak  to help him .  She had to fucking stop this from happening again and she couldn’t get the fu c king door open.

“Joel! Joel, I’m trying!” she screamed.

She slammed her full body weight against the frame once.

_Ellie!_ Pain grayed her vision as her shoulder dislocated from the force as she slammed twice.

_Ellie! You’re safe, Ellie._ Third time’s the charm,  the door frame shattered with the force of her body and she screamed as she stumbled through.  T he room empty save for a bloody golf club.

“Joel!?” Ellie’s eyes snapped open as her body jerked upright, narrowly missing headbutting her aunt in the face. Maria’s eyes wide with shock as she attempted to pry Ellie’s hands from the lapels of her jacket.

“I’m here. You’re safe. Let go.” 

Maria’s face came into focus and Ell i e  eased her grip .  She struggled to get air in her lungs. Maria drew her hand up along Ellie’s back to her shoulders with a large inhale, drawing it back down to her lower back on the  exhale,  r epeating  the process until Ellie calmed and returned to herself.

“Oh fuck.” Ellie let her hands fall from Maria, her heartbeat an erratic tattoo on the inside of her skull.

Ellie pressed a hand to her chest and scanned the room, confused by the afternoon shadows on the wall. She was in the guest room of Maria’s place, it remained the same as she’s left it. The drapes were still a gaudy lace, the dresser still missing it’s bottom drawer, the shit brown lazy boy chair still sat in the corner. Maria had placed her pack and guitar case on top of it. The only change to the room.  Ellie averted her eyes from the case. It was the last thing she wanted to see in this moment. The sheets tangled around her frame impeded her movements, she noted her clothes and bedding drenched with sweat. It was mid afternoon judging by the light through the window. Ellie found it disorienting to wake up with the sun in the opposite hemisphere than she was used to.  Afternoon time always came too soon in the late fall. There was enough light for a few more hours, summer was the best with long days.  Maria must have come home early. 

Maria leaned over on the bed and brushed a wet strand of hair from Ellie’s face. “You’re safe. It was just a nightmare.”

“Fuck.” Ellie pinched at the bridge of her nose until her body stopped trembling.The same nightmare plagued her for almost a year, she’d avoided Dina many a time over it. This was the first time Joel hadn’t been behind the door.

“Drink this.” Maria held out a glass filled most of the way with water. Ellie accepted the offering. She chugged until the glass was empty.Maria sat back on the edge of the bed, the frame creaked with the movement, her wary gaze cataloging Ellie’s every movement.

“Sorry.” Ellie placed the empty glass on the night stand, rubbing at her left hand, trying to get the feeling back into it before she remembered there wasn’t much feeling to get back.

“It’s alright Ellie.” Maria patted her leg gently over the sheets.

“The fuck it is.” Ellie groused, dropping her head into her hands. “Maria can you put that guitar somewhere else? I uh, brought it back for Tommy, since he’s not around. I won’t be needing it.” Truthfully, Ellie had brought it in the hopes of relearning how to play, in this moment she regretted having any hope.

“Of course, kid. I put his wood working stuff and a few guitars in the sitting room. I’ll put it in there.”

“Maybe some time I could I take s look at his stuff?”

“Anytime you want kiddo this is your home now. Just don’t go into my room with out knocking first.”

“You should knock next time you come in here… I thought you had work?”

“I stopped by because I went to the infirmary asking if you’d dropped by. Laura said you hadn’t… I thought you’d skipped out on me.”

“Maria, I can’t get checked.”

“Ellie.” Maria cautioned. Ellie lifted her arm so the side of her hand was visible. The telltale scarring of a bite barely noticeable under the myriad of scratches she received the other day. Maria’s breath caught at the sight.

“What happened?” Maria questioned. Eyes curiously roamed over the bite. “It healed so well. You can barely see it.”

The new bite surprised her. Two weeks after she had received it, the marks that reached the back of her hand had faded down to a series of half moon scars you could make out against her slight tan with the right lighting. The other marks blended in with the fleshy ridge of the side of her palm hidden underneath the stump of her pinkie, faded as if she had them for years. No signs of the pock marks or fungal growth that had formed along the first bite on her forearm.

“Little bitch tried to feed me to a clicker. He was too scared to get bit himself, didn’t get me close enough to do much damaged I guess. She held her hand in her lap running along the slight half moon scars that dotted along. She wiggled her fingers sarcastically. “It’s kind hard to notice when I’ve got a more distracting feature to gawk at.”

“Do you think it means that the infec-”

“No. Maria I don’t fucking think about it,” Ellie snapped. Every time she thought too hard about how she’d never know if the cordyceps had mutated within her or if it was possible to spread immunity what it might have meant for a cure she’d find herself upset with Joel and she had already wasted enough time being mad at him. She wanted to move on. “And I don’t want to can we please drop this.”

“Consider it dropped, we’ll figure something out another time.” She clapped a hand on Ellies shoulder as she stood up, grabbed the guitar case and headed towards the door. “We have more pressing matters to attend to. You. Smell like a horse shit on you, go take a shower. Fresh towels and linens in the hall closet.”

“Fuck you, I don’t smell that bad.” Ellie yelled after her. She untangled herself from the bed sheets and took a whiff of her pits, making a face of disgust when the smell actually hit her. Okay maybe Maria was right, like always.

“I gotta get back to work, left you a plate downstairs. Eat what you can” called from the hallway, the sounds of her footsteps disappearing as she walked away.

Ellie went to her pack in the corner and pulled out fresh undergarments and whatever clothes were packed on top. She checked her records and sighed with relief when she pulled them out from their sleeves, fortunately intact, and placed them on top of the sole dresser in the room.

Ellie wandered out into the hallway, pulled out a green towel from the middle shelfof the closet and headed towards the bathroom. It was standard, she had a sink with a large mirror next to a toilet across from the bathtub. The tub was set into the wall, the only difference was that Tommy and Maria had rigged a gravity fed shower up. It was similar to what she’d set up for herself, except their shower head wasn’t a garden hose attachment. Ellie stripped methodically. Every thing going smoothly until her foot caught in the leg of her pants and she caught the briefest glance in the mirror. The woman she saw resembled her but was not her at all. She had auburn hair, like Ellie, but it was lackluster and frazzled and entirely too long. She had a sharp, thin,face like Ellie and yet her skin was too pale, littered with all sorts of unfamiliar cuts and scars, so many they seemed to outnumber her freckles.She had no eyes, only two dark sockets. Ellie squeezed her own shut not wanting to see any more. The squeal of the shower knob felt like a railroad spike being driven into her ears. Ellie shoved aside the image and scrubbed herself until her skin hurt from removing any trace of the mirror woman. When she got out she avoided the mirror entirely pulling on a fresh bra and underwear,the pair of blue jeans, gray thermal undershirt, and anice green/gray flannel that she’d ended up grabbing.After all that, Ellie felt a little more human than she had in a long fucking while.

Ellie didn’t want to be cooped up inside all day and she wasn’t ready to face the public yet so she threw on Tommy’s faded red hooded sweatshirt he’d left behind. She didn’t feel as bad about it as she thought she would. He wasn’t gonna need it anymore. Tossing the hood over her head to cover her hair, she made her way to the back of the house and tucked herself along the chain fence. By the way the shadows cast against the houses night would fall within an hour. The street lamps hadn’t turned on yet, but Ellie knew even if the world went dark her feet would always guide her to the steps of Joel’s house.

Despite her confidence in reaching the building, Ellie found herself unable to stop in front of the house itself. She peered along the back row of houses, when she saw lights coming from Joel’s old place, which probably meant she couldn’t ask for her old place back. She didn’t want to intrude on the new life that resided there. It brought her some calm, to know that there wasn’t another empty home she had to face. Sighing, she shook her fists out at her sides in an attempt to deter the slight tremors that had begun. She had two more places on her list she’d want to go to. One she was unsure if she’d even be welcomed into so she hustled in a light jog across the street to the one place she knew she was always welcome.

She was the only soul alive in the graveyard. The late afternoon light danced through the branches of the trees. Leaves piled atop the chipped white benches around the outside of the plotted land. A wind blew through, sending a few leaves twisting up into the air. Ellie shivered, she wished she had grabbed something more than a sweatshirt when she left the house. Stepping over the tiny brown fencing that separated the walkway from the grass, she made her way over to the only person who’d ever put up with her shit.

“Hey, old man. You there?” Like all inanimate objects, Joel’s grave was silent. She rolled her eyes at herself for thinking there would be a response. “Yeah, didn’t think so. You were never much of a talker.”

She thrust her hands into the large front pocket of her hoodie as she crouched down to observe his grave. Someone had come by recently to pay their respects, indicated by a few small pumpkins. One of which had been painted with uncoordinated splashes of reds, oranges, and browns. Ellie noticed an old rusted, red, coffee tin full of dirt left out for him. The corners of her lips quirked at the sight.

“See, Joel, someone agrees with me that coffee taste like bitter dirt.” She touched her forehead to the cold stone. The tears didn’t come they way they used to. The image of Joel that popped into her head was whole and happy. Ellie took a deep breathe, crisp air filled her lungs, and she knew deep down that it wasn’t because she was broken. Some part of her had healed out in those woods. After a few more minutes in the muted silence of the graveyard Ellie stood up and tapped her right fist against the top of his grave.

“I’ll see you around, Joel.”

As she turned around to leave she saw the last person she felt she deserved to be alone with and the only person she wanted to see in all of Jackson round the corner into the cemetery. Ellie saw Dina before she saw her. Dina’s attention was on whatever was next to the gate. In her arms she held a small bouquet. Her radiance expanded from her form, like a star in it’s last evolutionary stages. She was beautiful as always and Ellie’s heartbeat spiked as she took in the slight maturity of Dina’s face. It was the kind of thing you noticed when you stopped seeing someone every day.Dina’s hair had been carefully braided, low against her nape. It took any familiarity out the window.It jarred Ellie enough,it took her brain a few moments to catch up with the rest of Dina. Ellie’s brain damn near halted when sherecognized what Dina was wearing, her favorite sweatshirt. The gray one she thought was gone forever. That fucking thief.

Ellie conceded to Dina once after an argument about personal property and sharing that it did always look better on her. She filled the chest out in a way that always made Ellie a little scatterbrained.

Her whole presence made Ellie uncertain, even after all the time they’d spent together. There was always something new to discover and that scared her more than she’d ever like to admit.

Dina’s movement had stopped as if she had heard Ellie’s thought’s, her head turned to recognize the face of the only other person in the cemetery. By the time it registered with Ellie it was all too late, she had been spotted. Ellie swiveled her head around trying to find a place to hide. She saw a few trees to her right, she’d have to run towards Dina to hide behind the nearest bench. If she really wanted to be an ass she could go jump in that freshly dug grave. Their eyes met and the flowers Dina held dropped from her hand as she put it over her chest, right above her heart. Her eyes traced over every part of Ellie. When she finally met Ellie's eye’s again, Dina’s look of disbelief quickly melted into one of indignation.

“Oh, shit.” the curse escaped Ellie’s mouth. She had seen this type of reaction twice before. Once when Tommy talked to her about Abby and once after a fight with Jesse.

_You do not wanna cross that girl_. That’s what he said. He really undersold that statement.

Dina’s anger felt palpable over the distance, one that she was rapidly closing. Her strides were long and purposeful, the soles of her boots scraped across the concrete in a quick clip. Transfixed, Ellie felt like she had jumped feet first into an open bear trap. She slowed her breathing as she felt her palms begin to sweat and her heartbeat became elevated. Panic fueled by the primal part of her brain that wants to run at the first signs of danger. Even if she wanted to run, Ellie wouldn’t run from Dina. Not any more.

Dina arrived faster than Ellie expected, her soft, warm, hands cupped at her chin as she moved Ellie’s head, her movements gentle, to survey the bruising along her jaw and many cuts that littered her face. Dina’s touched burned every point where her skin made contact, Ellie might as well have grabbed Jackson’s electrified fence on a dare all over again.

“Who did this to you?” Dina’s eyes shown with a fury Ellie hadn’t seen since Tommy. When Ellie didn’t respond right away, she prompted. “Ellie, who hit you?”

“Hey, Dina. Hi.” If they hadn’t been discussing who hit her, Ellie could have punched herself. _Hi._ What the fuck? Was she fifteen? She knows how to talk to people. Dina scoffed and removed her hands from Ellie’s face as she took three steps back. The loss of contact felt more than just physical. Ellie tried to not dwell on it, she knew she had no right to anything Dina didn’t offer. She was done taking.

“That’s not the answer I was looking for,” she said. “But hello to you too.”

“Wait, answer what?”

Dina briefly glanced to the sky, as if to ask some god to bless her with patience before she returned her eyes to Ellie, one eyebrow cocked.

“Ellie I asked you who hit you. This bruising is fresh.”

“Oh. Uh, It was Talia. Thought she’d spend the night bragging about how she sucker punched me.”

“Talia, huh?” Dina gave a small, knowing smirk. “She is aware I am perfectly capable of punching you myself right?”

“Yes! Thank you!” Ellie removed her hands from her pockets, pointed them at herself before letting them slap down against her thighs. Anyone’s assumptions about Dina’s fighting capabilities always bothered her. “That’s exactly what I told her!”

“You’re lucky she didn’t shoot you. She’s much more efficient with a rif-” Dina’s words cut off.

Over the years they had spent around each other Dina had made sure Ellie was aware of the fact that she wasn’t as funny as she thought. So when Dina’s face contorted, her brows pinching together and her mouth frowning so deeply, it took Ellie aback. Remotely not even close to the light laughter she had expected, Ellie was confused. Dina covered her mouth as she gaped between Ellie’s cocked head and… her fucking hand. Ellie shoved it back into her sweatshirt pocket mentally berating herself for not considering it the cause of Dina’s pain sooner.

Dina’s hand slowly dropped from her mouth as she squeezed her eyes tightly. Blinking rapidly before she returned her gaze to Ellie’s. Ellie nodded at her unasked question and slowly removed her left hand from the pocket. She held it out between them, her palm flipped down, so it made her hand seem a little less gruesome. If it weren’t for the discolored ridges of scar tissue in stark contrast against the paleness of her fingers, someone would think she’d been counting to three.

“Oh, Ellie.” Dina reached out with one hand before she hesitated and brought it back to her chest.

“It looks a lot worse than it is. Honest.”

“How can losing two fingers look worse than it is?” Dina crossed her arms, eyes carefully studied the back of Ellie’s hands. Underneath her hoodie Ellie could feel the shiver of goosebumps forming under her scrutiny. Dina’s brows pinched together and she chewed at at lip. “You got bit again.”

Dina stated it like it was so obvious the shock of her response killed Ellie’s smart retort on her tongue. “How the fuck did you notice that?

“I notice everything about you.”

“I got hungry. Turns out, I’m very delicious.” Ellie shrugs, rubbing the tip of her thumb against her pointer finger. She can’t be honest about her hand right now, not when she can still feel Abby’s weakening slaps against her arm, and her pulse burning against her palms.

“Oh my god.” Dina tucked her lips into her mouth as she shut her eyes and turned down her head. The curl of hair that had been pushed behind her ear fell with the movement and Ellie wanted nothing more to push it back into place and comfort her. It was a familiar gesture she wasn’t allowed. Dina stared back up at her with the barest hint of a smile. “You’re still so infuriating.”

Before she even has time to register the movement Dina stepped forward and wrapped her arms around Ellie’s shoulders in a strong hug. Whispering softly into her shirt collar. “I’m still mad as shit at you for leaving.”

“I told you, I had no intention of dying.”

Dina scoffed at that. The exhalation of air tickled Ellie’s neck. Dina was close enough she had to be able to fucking hear how fast Ellie’s pulse had grown.

“You’re such an ass.”

“I’d go with dickhead.”

“Fine. You’re a huge dickhead.”

“A raging dickhead.”

Hesitantly, Ellie put her arms around Dina and returned the hug. She fought against every voice in her brain screaming that she didn’t deserve this moment. If this was the last time they were together she didn’t want to tarnish the memory. Dina smelled of earth, sweat, and the soft she had come to associate with Dina every time they were intimate.

After a few seconds Dina pulled away from the embrace. She was sure to put a few steps between them again. Already Ellie ached to feel Dina’s sturdy frame in her arms. Ellie coughed into her hand to clear her throat.

“Enough about me, Dina. How have you been?” Ellie immediately realized it was the wrong thing to ask as soon as the question left her mouth. Dina’s face contorted as if she had been shot. She shoved Ellie on the shoulder, with a frustrated scream.

Any other time the shove wouldn’t have been enough to move her, let alone cause her to stumble.

The action surprised Ellie enough she took a few steps back. Dina’s boots scraped across the concrete, she moved away and placed more distance between herself and Ellie. Taking a few seconds to swallow down her emotions, Dina choked back a sob and set her face into one of determination.

“How have I been?” Her voice dropped low, eye brows raised at Ellie as if she couldn't believe what she was hearing. “How do you think I’ve fucking been? You _left us,_ Ellie. You can’t ask me that, when for the last six months I thought you were dead, with the last words you said to me “that’s up to you.”? 

Her voice was measured and calm, despite the tears. Ellie had heard the tone directed at others and had hoped to never be on the receiving end of it. It was like the silence just before a rifle fired off. Everyone always underestimated Dina because she was so kind, but Ellie knew exactly what she was capable of. 

“What a fucked up thing to say to the woman who dropped everything to hunt down Joel’s murderer with you. To the woman who you spent an entire year building a life with only to walk away from it all.’ Dina paced back and forth. “For what? A glorified suicide attempt.” Dina’s voice cracked as tears began to fall from her face onto the broken concrete below. “You think you can just show up wearing our bracelet and ask me how I’m doing like I haven’t spent the last two months of my life piecing my heart back together.”

“Dina I’m sorry!”

“I asked you to stay! So we could talk about it! You walked out on me. On our son! Whatever reserve of strength Dina had tapped into had crumbled. Ellie could only stare in shock with her hands at her sides as Dina stopped her frantic pacing, to sob openly into her hands. Tearfully she met Ellie’s gaze in a hard stare, her face twisted up in anguish. Ellie had never seen her like this. Not even after seeing Jesse’s body, prone in front of the theater doors. “I waited a week! Alone! With a baby! For you! Thinking you might stop being such a dumb ass and come back to your family!” Dina jabbed her finger into Ellie's sternum each time she revealed a new layer to how Ellie had hurt her. Her hand curled into a fist just above Ellie’s heart before it went slack and Dina pressed it against her mouth as she cried.

Ellie longed to sweep her up in her arms, hold her so close their bodies threatened to merge into one, until their souls vowed never to separate. Dina’s admission sat low in Ellie’s stomach, bile rising at the thought of every journal entry she kept. Among her notes of revenge, the drawings; were pages of her asking herself why she even bothered to leave in the first place. What she gave up. Jotted down somewhere in her journals so she could focus on the task at hand. The more new wonders she’d found the more she’d been reminded of her family. The thoughts stopped when she found that damned boat. Retribution for Joel fueled her from that moment on. Seeing Abby dead by her hand was the only way she could be whole again. The only way she’d be able to close her eyes in peace. It was so stupid now, at the time it seemed like her only option.

“I didn’t know how to talk to you about it. I never talked to anyone about it.”

“And you do now?” Dina was incredulous.

“No. I don’t. Not yet. How can I burden you with the things I see when I close my eyes. The only thing that kept me from killing Abby was seeing the thing that destroyed me in the first place.”

“She’s alive?” Dina’s whole body stilled, not even a hair moved. Her eyes wild as she stared Ellie down.

Tapping her fingers against her palm Ellie continued.

“I couldn’t kill her. I tried to finish it, she didn’t wanna fight,” The truth rushed out her mouth and Ellie couldn’t stem the flow. “She was done fighting, but I made her fight me. I threatened her kid. I held her head under the water, and she bit my fingers off, and I saw Joel, he was alive and we never fixed what we broke, and - Oh god.” A wave of dizziness hit her, the telltale feeling of her chest squeezing around her lungs began and she needed to quell it before she couldn’t anymore. Ellie held her left hand to her chest, pressed down on her pulse to count her heart beats. She reached her free hand to Joel’s grave, leaning on it for support as she lowered herself into a sitting position next to the only thing left that bared his name. Dina reached out both arms, wavered above Ellie’s sides ready to catch her if she fell, and followed her until they both were no longer standing.

“So Abby got a taste, huh?” Ellie tried to laugh, but it caught in her chest.

“One sec.” She gasped out around the anxiety in her throat. For a minute the two sat there on the cold ground while Ellie breathed in a controlled manner until she was able to speak. Next to her knee she had knocked over one of the pumpkins. “Shit. Sorry. I’ve never said that last part aloud to anyone before. I think I’m good now.”

“You never told me how bad it was. How was I supposed to know how much you were hurting?”

Ellie scoffed. “How was I supposed to look you in the eye and tell you your love wasn’t enough to fix me? Not when every time I closed my eyes.” Ellie dropped her head to her knees as her words trailed off, her hands hugged around her legs trying to hold herself together as a tear slipped down her cheek. “I left cause I thought it was the right thing to do. That it would fix me. That after I saw this thing I started to it’s end I could come back able to give you and JJ all the love you gave me. I hated me. I still do. I wish it were different.”

_But it ain’t._

“But that’s not how it works.” Dina snapped her hands to her head, framing her forehead and pressing in to the skin there. “That’s not how any of this works, Ellie. I tried to get you to talk to me and you shut me out every time!” One hand fell to her lap the other gestured lamely to Ellie. “You’d go off hunting to avoid talking to me! I would wait up worried that it was the last time I was going to see you. Worried that the last words we spoke to each other we... we fought.”

“I didn’t want you to see what a fucking monster I am!”

“Ellie!” Dina pleaded. “I saw what you’re capable of, and I still wanted to be with you. I knew what I was signing up for.”

“You got with me before all of that! I’ve done so much shit I wish you didn’t have to find out about.”

“Did any of that shit scare me off? No! I _stayed_ Ellie. For you. Because I loved you.”

“I didn’t want you to have to put up with me the way I was! I needed to fix myself.”

“You don’t have to do every damn thing alone. You can’t expect everything to go back to the way it was.”

“Dina. I honestly don’t want to go back to that.” Ellie regretted the dismissive way her words sounded in her own ears. Hated the way Dina flinched in response to them. Ellie held a hand out, pleading with her eyes for Dina to recognize she needed a moment to collect herself. “Wait not like that. Hold on. I gotta think before I speak cause I always say the dumbest shit.”

“Can’t argue there.” Dina mocked. Ellie fumbled for the right words, massaging her palm roughly against the base of her neck trying to calm the buzz she felt there.

“I don’t wanna go back to a place in my life where I was alive, but I wasn’t living. There is so much shit I haven’t told you, shit that I never tried to heal from.” Ellie took a deep breathe daring to quickly peek at Dina who watched her like she was a house of cards, one gust from blowing over. “I love you and JJ, nothing is ever going to fucking change that. I can’t ask you to give me the love I can’t give myself. I can’t ask you to undo what you’ve done for yourself either. I’ve figured that out at least.”

Dina studied her carefully, making no move to interrupt.

“Do you remember the night I tortured Nora?” she asked quietly. There was no point in trying to pretend her actions that night were anything else. Ellie killed people, but she never prolonged it. What she did to Nora held no such mercy.

Dina worked her jaw, the tendons jumping against her skin with each motion before she closed her eyes and exhaled sharply out her nose. Ellie watched the furrowed lines of her forehead deepen as she forced herself to relive the memory of that night.

“You said you didn’t want to lose me.” Dina whispered, opening her eyes to stare into Ellie’s. A single tear falling from the corner where they had gathered.

“Yeah. I think that was the night I lost myself, because I’d never risk losing you before that.” Ellie admitted, she scrubbed at her face and her fingers came away wet. Confused, she examined them before touching them to her cheeks, warm tear tracks had made a home there without her noticing. “I’ve never even said that to myself.” Ellie traced a finger along the smooth lettering carved in the stone of Joel’s grave. She could feel the way Dina’s eyes followed the movement of her hand without having to look at her.

“We can’t pretend this never happened.”

“I know. I still made a choice that hurt you and JJ. I’m not gonna go asking for anything more than you are willing to give. I just want you to know I’ll spend the rest of my life showing you how sorry I am if you let me.”

Dina’s chin trembled, she covered it with a hand and shook her head, squeezing her eyes shut.

“You were right before, Ellie. This.” She gestured between them with her finger. “Is up to me. I can’t go through this again. I-” Dina for all her strength and will, finally broke. She curled up on herself, one hand clutched at her bicep, one hand clapped over her mouth as she shook her head at Ellie. “I can’t.”

A whisper of the past taunted Ellie, with just how fucking stupid  and cruel she had been.  _Everyone I have ever cared for has either died, or left._ Ellie  clenched her jaw until her teeth threatened to shatter in her mouth .  She was no better than those who had hurt her. 

D ina’s  chest rose and fell with rapid, increasingly erratic breaths , it was turning  into a panic attack.

“Dina you need to breathe.” 

“I can’t.”

“You can, Dina.” Ellie murmured. “Breathe with me.” She inhaled and exhaled deeper than normal. “Come on.” When Dina didn’t follow along, Ellie knelt next to her and reached out hesitantly, a hand hovering over her shaking frame.

“Dina can I touch your arm? I’m gonna tap on it and I need you to count the taps for me. Is that okay?” Dina grunted with an imperceptible nod. Focused only on the rise and fall of Dina’s shoulders with slow and steady taps she matched the one-two, one-two pattern of her own heartbeat until eventually Dina’s breathing calmed. When her sobs turned into hiccups and eventually into even, albeit shaky, breaths, Ellie pulled her hand away and dropped back into a sitting position wrapping her arms around her knees, setting her chin on her forearms. A dull pressure cinched the back of her head. 

“Where did you learn to do that?” Dina focused on her face, eyes darting all over like she hadn’t seen Ellie before. 

“Joel. Said he read this pamphlet on techniques for dealing with anxiety or whatever. It was mostly bullshit.” Ellie struggled to swallow the emotion in her throat. “Sometimes things got bad for me and he’d try… That one never worked for me.” Her mind flashed to Joel. How her chest gripped when he weighed his options in front of her – if lying to her again would hurt more than the truth. How one of the techniques he taught her years before kept her together long enough to walk away from him.

Ellie pressed a palm to Joel’s grave, the stone cool and unyielding, offering none of the warmth and comfort she took for granted when he was alive. Her personal response to Joel’s actions in Salt Lake had taught her that people you love won’t always forgive you – no matter how much you want them to – because you did the wrong thing for the most well- intentioned reasons. It was a lesson she wouldn’t get to finish, they never got the chance to. Foolishly, she assumed there was always going to be time to learn. Until there isn’t. He’d know what to do. The prospect of having to navigate this alone made her quake. Eventually Dina broke the silence.

“Ellie, I don’t know if this can be fixed.” Ellie bit the inside of her cheek and prayed she’d get through the next few moments. “But,” Dina glanced at Joel’s grave before turning her gaze back at Ellie. “I’m willing to see if we can.”

A quiet sob escaped Ellie’s throat, suspended for a moment in the air between them.

“Okay.”

In the shadow of the days end Dina’s eyes appeared watery black, like the river at night hiding secrets beneath the surface. Ellie can barely separate where her pupil ended and the deep brown of her iris began. Trapped at the center of the inky abyss sat a pinprick of fire cast into her eye by the light of a dying sun. The flame caught in the tears there seemed to make it dance as though a live flame burned behind her eyes, it caused Ellie’s breath to catch in her throat. Even with her tear soaked face, Dina embodied the power of the supernatural beings Ellie had read about in her comics. The ones sent by a higher power who could destroy humanity if they wanted to but chose to be benevolent. They’d talked about superheros and gods and angels over dinner a few times at the farmhouse. She might not believe in angels or god the way Dina does, despite it all in this moment Ellie understands devotion, understands true faith.

Even in darkness she found the light.

Dina reached a hand out to Joel’s grave. Ellie couldn’t tear her eyes away from how beautiful Dina felt in the golden glow of the sun. The sight always made her feel mortal in ways she never imagined. She’d walk through fire for her.

“Wait here.” Dina jumped up and navigated her way back to where the flowers had fallen earlier and picked them up. Ellie watched cautiously as Dina steadily headed back towards where she sat. Dina detoured to stop in front of a grave, one that Ellie realized with a pang in her heart, it was the plot where Jesse had been laid to rest. Dina closed her eyes, head bowed, whispering something to herself. When she was done Dina left two flowers in the cream colored vase that sat next to his grave. In five long strides Dina stood back in front of Ellie, settling herself beside Joel’s grave so that it’s between them. With a forlorn smile she offered Ellie the flowers. Ellie accepted her offer, reached up with one hand and grabbed the three flowers with quiet thanks. The flowers smelled nice enough, and she rested them across the top of coffee tin as not to upset the dirt within. Joel deemed coffee sacred, even if it was dirt. Dina gave her an odd look.

“I always bring them flowers on Sunday. I didn’t think I’d run into you out here.” Dina chewed on her bottom lip. “You never came with me to visit them after Seattle.”

“Well, I think he’d be mighty pissed if he knew how much I was avoiding him.” Ellie scoffed. Do you still pray?”

“I prayed for you.”

“Oh.” Ellie sat with the information before she decided she fucking hated that even after everything, Dina would waste something so precious to her, on the asshole that broke her. She didn’t deserve it.

Ellie picked up the painted little pumpkin and turned it over in her hands. With the tip of her finger she traced along all the red patches of paint. Ellie wrapped her arms around the tops of her knees, her head coming to rest on her forearm.

“He loves to paint now.” Dina tilted her head, a broad smile on her lips, Ellie felt a similar one spreading across her own face. No amount of distance could weaken her love for her spud. “Robin managed to trade one of the quilts she made for a set of paints he can use safely. I swear she’s gonna have to get a group to help her quilt if she wants to keep up with his output. He paints more than you.”

“Can I ask you how he is?” Ellie whispered in to the crook of her elbow. “Sorry. I don’t wanna overstep.”

“Of course you can,” Dina picked up the other pumpkin, rolling it between her hands. “He’s gotten big. He’s going to be a real handful soon, he’s walking now. Well, mostly standing, he’s still getting the hang of the walking part. He’s really missed his Mom.”

She stroked her thumb over the raised patches of the painted pumpkin in her hand, eyes clenched shut, tears pricked at the corners. All her saliva felt thick, as though it had turned to sludge in her throat. There wasn’t a day she hadn’t missed her little Potato. When she left he had just begun to stand and crawl on his own. Did they spend enough time together he’d even remember her?

“I can see him?” She swallowed tightly, as if the question were a glass house, and to even ask aloud would cast a stone and shatter the fragile things they had built in the moment. Dina regarded Ellie for a moment. Her face unreadable.

“Where are you staying?”

“Maria’s letting me stay in the guest room for now.”

“I’m glad you aren’t alone. We’ll be at Jesse’s folks. If you want to drop by around lunch at one and see him. He’s missed you. You might be a gigantic asshole, but you’re still his mom.”

“I would love that more than anything. I missed him, both of you, so much. I lost myself and that’s no excuse. I’m going to be better. For myself, and for the people in my life.”

“I’m still mad at you.” Dina admitted, sighing deeply. She observed Ellie for a moment. “Can you give me time, Ellie?

“I’ll give you anything you want.”

“Anything?”

“Anything. Ellie tapped a finger on her chin as she pretended to ponder. “Though, in regards to time the only watch I have is broken. I can give you some space, I have a spaceship pin.” Dina scrutinized Ellie’s face before her eyes widened as she picked up on what her words implied.

“I’m being serious, Ellie.” Dina cautioned. Her mouth twitched.

“I am too.” Ellie insisted firmly. “Anything I can give you I will.” Dina observed her for a few moments more before she shivered.

“Shit it got cold. I’m gonna go.”

Night had fallen in earnest. The crisp fall air turning frigid. Little puffs of breath had grown more visible between them as the lights around the cemetery flickered on. Dina stood and Ellie rocked herself up from her position until they faced one another. Ellie shoved her hands in her back pockets and sighed. She almost missed the familiar way Dina’s lips parted, a blink and you’ll miss it movement. She glanced up and their eyes met, Ellie flushed red, awkwardly turning her gaze to the darkening sky. Her pulse raced. She stamped down on the hope that grew in her chest, reminding herself it didn’t fucking mean anything. People need to open their mouths to breath. Dina smirked.

“It’s probably about time for JJ’s dinner. Cedric and Robin have him. They’ll want to see you too you know.”

“Okay. Have a good night. Give them a hello from me and a kiss for JJ, yeah?” Ellie asked.

“I guess I can do that.” Dina took a few steps and turned back. “Night, Ellie.”

When Dina was half way to the gate Ellie finally moved her feet, letting them carry her to Jesse’s grave.

“Hey Dina!” Ellie cupped a hand around her mouth and shouted after her.

Dina whipped around to face Ellie, confused.

“Am I ever gonna get that sweatshirt back!!?”

The white of Dina’s teeth gleamed in the light of the street lamp as she smiled wider than Ellie had seen since the morning before she left. Ellie could see them shine even at this distance. “You said anything!” she yelled back.“We’ll see you tomorrow Ellie!”

Ellie stood for a few seconds before she folded her legs underneath her and flopped down next to Jesse’s grave a little more aggressively than she intended.

“You fucking see that shit?” Ellie grumbled, gesturing a hand towards where Dina had stood, getting one last glimpse in as Dina disappeared behind the walls of the cemetery. “That was my favorite sweatshirt.”

\--- --- ---

Ellie had faced a lot in her twenty-one years. She’d survived losing her best friend. Survived certain death at the hands of;Hunters, infected, The WLF, cultists, the whole damn world. Hell, she even survived the shit her mind threw at her. None of that put the fear in herthe way she felt right now, waiting to see JJ. So much can change in a month let along almost four. Especially for a baby.

The last twenty minutes had been spent in her room fussing over her outfit. Any other situation she’d roll out of bed and hope yesterdays clothes smelled passable for human interaction. Today she couldn’t risk it. None of the shirts she had brought smelled clean enough and she really wanted to make a good impression. Maria had been kind enough to pull out a box of a few of Joel’s old things before she headed out to deal with some business that needed her approval. She asked Ellie if she needed her to go with her, offering to put the meeting off until the afternoon. When Ellie dismissed her, Maria badgered her about the visitation rights of great aunts before she ruffled her hair. Ellie shoved her out the door with an exasperated “Leave!”

There were some thermals, flannels, long and short sleeved tees. Maria even managed to keep his favorite green work shirt and the pocketed, deep navy blue T-Shirt he tended to favor in the hotter months.

Ellie pulled out each shirt, gently inhaling; they still smelled faintly of him, even under the musky, mildew odor. In the end her final decision was an old blue Henley of Joel’s. The fabric swamped her thin torso in a way that twisted her stomach up. The rage that fueled her for the better part of year made it easy to push pass the mental strain of hunger. So long as she drank water, Ellie pushed herself beyond what was healthy. A month on the farm had increased her appetite, yet it hadn’t been enough to put much meat back on her bones as Joel would say. Given the way Maria had fed her last night, she’d be up to a healthy weight in no time.

The sleeves fell past her finger tips, something she loathed. Ellie rolled up the sleeves to the crook of her elbows the bunched fabric feeling looser than she was used to. In the end she tucked the front section of excess fabric into the waistband of her black, hole free, jeans, and allowed the fabric at her back and sides to hang out to give her frame the illusion of weight. She shoved her feet into her charcoal gray canvas shoes; the least scuffed pair she owned and headed downstairs.

Ellie clambered down the stairs, recovering poorly when she tripped over the landing. She paused to tie her shoes for a moment when she glanced over to the clock on the mantle realizing she still had over an hour to get to them. Walking back into the kitchen Ellie noticed Maria had made up a plate for her. She was too anxious to eat a full meal but picked around her plate. The eggs had cooled too much for her liking anyway, too chewy. Ellie ate the two thick cuts of bacon, because no matter how anxious she’d felt, bacon tasted good. Maria had even grated up the hash browns the way Ellie preferred, she ate half.

She mulled around the house a while longer, she went to the corner room behind the stairway where Maria had placed Joel’s guitar. They had kept most of his stuff. Ellie walked over to the shelf where books about wood working and space had settled. One title jumped out at her, _Trauma and Recovery,_ she ran her finger along the spine and pulled it out. She thumbed through the pages, her breath caught as she stared at Joel’s surprisingly neat handwriting. Little notes stuffed in the margins on ways he could help, passages underlined with care, one section circled with pencil lines so thick they dug into the page. She jerked her head up to examine the ceiling when droplets of water splattered the page. The movement caused a light breeze to caress the hot wet tracks that had formed unbidden.

“The leak’s in your head.” Ellie roughly placed the book back on the shelf. She sniffed and scrubbed her face with her hands. Pulling down on her cheeks enough to draw her bottom eyelids down before she let go. “I gotta get the fuck out of here.”

Maria had cleaned her black jacket and Ellie grabbed it as she headed out the door,  s hoving her hands in the arms as she tried to shut the door.  Mondays were busy days and  Ellie  maneuvered through the foot traffic as quickly as possible  with her head down The buzz of anxiety was back and she didn’t want to have to talk to anyone on her way to the Jesse’s old place.

T he pale yellow house stood two stories tall, the uneasy way Ellie felt it might have been about two hundred. Strewn about the yard were some of JJ’s toys. A ball, his pull-along elephant tipped over, a red wagon. Ellie trudged over and picked up after him.  Taking care as she placed everything under the overhang of the porch before pacing lightly in front of the door.  She raised a hand to knock and it trembled against her will.

“Just knock, she said you could be here.” Ellie scolded herself. “Don’t get all fuckin’ weird about it.”

One deep breath and three loud knocks against the door later Ellie stood silently freaking out. How long ago had she knocked? Was no one home? Panicked, Ellie reached up to knock again before the door swung open and she froze.

Ellie’s fist obfuscated Dina’s face, Ellie moved her hand from where it hung in the air to where she guessed the door frame was in an attempt to make it seem like she hadn’t been panicking seconds before. Distracted briefly by the amused gleam in Dina’s eye; Ellie realized all too late that her hand was well past the door frame. She threw a leg out to catch her self before she stumbled into the railing of the stairs, twisting her body to lean against it in what she prayed was a casual enough manner. She could feel her face redden as Dina laughed at her, her eyes crinkled at the sides, mouth wide and happy, her eyes shown with mirth. All things Ellie had taken for granted.

“Smooth as always I see.” Dina chuckled as she tried to cover up her laughter with a cough.

“I meant to do that. I thought Talia was going to answer the door and punch me. It was a proactive defensive maneuver.”

“Sure it was.” Dina teased, her smile falling as she faced Ellie. “You don’t have to worry about Talia, she’s leaving tomorrow.”

“What, so soon?”

“You know how she is. Settling down makes her uncomfortable, three months in Jackson was a lot for her. It was only a matter of time before she wanted out. She and I had a talk last night she,” A rigid expression crossed her face briefly before she scoffed. “There’s a trader group she worked with two years ago that are staying in town, they offered her a spot.”

“Oh well, that’s good for her right?” Ellie tucked her bottom lip in to her mouth. She couldn’t shake the feeling Dina wasn’t being completely truthful with her. “I mean I know from what you’ve told me three months is probably the longest she stayed still in a long time.”

The silence between them doesn’t feel as stifling as it did before, yet it is noticeable enough to make her breathing sound as loud as a gale wind. Ellie shifted her feet and risked a small glance at Dina.

She was put together in a way Ellie had never seen. She kept her hair done in yesterdays braid, a bit had escaped and it framed the left side of her face it was longer than she remembered, the tips down by her shoulder. Ellie wondered what it’d look like if she undid it, studying the rest of Dina’s face. Her cheeks seemed fuller and her angular jaw had a new scar just along it’s ridge, standing out thin and pale against her olive skin. Her skin had a bit of a glow to it, which made Ellie sweat. The only thing Ellie could recognize was the dark circles under her eyes. Eyes which were giving Ellie an all too familiar gaze.

There was a playful twinkle in her eye as she took in Ellie, one that wasn't there the night before. Ellie knows it didn’t mean anything. It can’t. Not after what she’d put Dina through.

Ellie allowed her eyes to linger to the mole under Dina’s left ear, to her collarbones peaking out of the modestly scooped neck of her maroon three quarter sleeved shirt. To the edge of the scar she received when Ellie failed to properly stitch her up after that kid had shot her with an arrow stood out just enough to remind Ellie just how stupid she’d been. The negative thoughts passed quickly when Ellie finally noticed the healthy amount of muscle Dina has put on since they last saw each other. Her arms more defined, the fabric noticeably straining. Ellie’s thoughts immediately wandered, her eyes trailed along her arms to her hands which snapped her back to the present moment when she realized that they were empty. Ellie’s mouth opened a little as she openly stared at Dina and all. The coy smile on her face disclosed she knew exactly where Ellie’s mind had gone.

“JJ inside?” Ellie’s face reddened.

Dina bit her lip to slow the spread of her smile, she cocked her eyebrows and subtly nodded towards her feet. JJ peaked out from behind Dina’s legs, arms wrapped around her denim clad leg as he held himself up against her. His eyes taking in the scene before him curiously. He'd already gotten so big Ellie struggled to believe it had only been a few months not a few years.

Ellie wished she could go back and change what she did, the thought of having missed him grow up in lieu ofsetting off on a suicide mission made her stomach roil. He’s been dressed up in little black and white striped slacks and a maroon sweatshirt with large orange leaf stitched onto it. His dark hair grown just past the tips of his ears; messily curling up around his ears and at the nape of his neck, even though there was a clear attempt to tame it – just like his dad.He had his Mama’s eyes though. His brown eyes met hers, bright and aware; his tiny face scrunched up in confusion as he processed Ellie’s face. He moved shyly, shifting himself behind Dina a little more. Ellie noticed the uncertainty and rubbed at her nose attempting to push down the idea that her deepest fear - the one where he had forgotten her in the months since she left- might have actually come true. Had she been gone so long? Ellie treated JJ as she would a lamb separated from its herd; careful, guarded, fluidmovements, until she rested,hunched over in a low squat in front of Dina’s legs with her arms wide.

“Hey there, Potato. You miss me?” She asked in the voice that is reserved only for being silly with JJ. There is a realization about the nature of being a parent that arrives as his eyes light up in recognition: The subtle things you don't realize you do for your kid, like a goofy voice, end up inexplicably bonding you together even through hardship. In a flash JJ toddled out from behind Dina’s legs. Head dipped forward, with each step towards her a little shaky for his tiny legs. The moment JJ’s small hand hit her shoulder, her eyes water, she missed him so much.

“Oh, man, dude! You’re so big now.” She groaned, lifting him just over her head in a comically exaggerated motion, acting as if he weighed five times as much as he actually did. She brushed her nose over his face, tickling him until he started thrashing his limbs about gleefully. His laughter was infectious and both Ellie and Dina couldn’t stop themselves from joining. They shared a fond look as Ellie shifted JJ until he was tucked safely against her side where he pressed his head into her shoulder, babbling nonsensically. He grabbed at the fingers of her left hand and began to play with them. She winced. He was in her arms again she didn’t have the fucking time to care about discomfort.

He smelled of soft shampoo and the gentle powder Dina used on him to avoid getting any rashes. The smells reminded her of the time the three of them slow danced in front of the bathroom mirror and JJ recognized the reflection. They spent an hour making silly faces to his absolute amusement. It had been the first time in her entire life her guard was down completely.

JJ’s pudgy hands grabbed at the side of her face, returning her to the present, the telltale wetness of tears on her cheeks. A few of her fallen tears spotted his maroon shirt. His face a hapless attempt to mirror her own emotions. With a weak smile she bounced him gently in her arms.

“Hey no, Potato. These are happy tears.” He squealed delightedly when she blew a raspberry into his face. “I missed you so much.” Ellie noticed the number of teeth that had come in had doubled, she held him a little tighter Dina stroked the soft hair at the base of his head. The movement reminded Ellie she’d rudely prevented them from heading back inside.

Dina sighed and turned to Ellie. Her lips thinned as she contemplated her next words. She watched Ellie, continue to happily bounce JJ, who held and teethed on Ellie fingers, not a concern in the world.

“You can see him again, after today, but you need to understand one thing,” Dina was assertive, yet not entirely unkind. Her eyes sized Ellie up, waiting to see if Ellie would step up to the challenge. Wordlessly, Ellie nodded. “You’re not gonna walk back into our lives and do the same shit you did before. When you left he was a mess. He wouldn’t sleep, getting him to nurse was a nightmare. I won’t let that happen to him ever again. Nothing matters more to me than JJ and if I don’t see that he is your number one priority? You’ll be another friend of Mama’s to him. Understood?”

“Understood.”

Dina stepped aside and they walked into the living room, not much had changed in over a year. A bundle of sage burned in the fireplace, the mismatched green and blue recliners across from the couch, the long black coffee table covered with books still sat between them. The toys strewn about the room and the a play pen that sat in the middle of the room were the only noticeable changes. Having a newborn meant they visited the farmhouse whenever they came to visit JJ. The lack of change surprised Ellie, Dina always liked to move things around in the house. She’d only been inside Jesse’s home once, a year before, for a dinner Robin and Cedric insisted upon as a thank you for bringing their son’s body home. She’d spent the entire night reliving their escape from Seattle.

After she was able to get herself up off the floor of that theater, she’d dealt with Dina and Tommy’s wounds. She’d found a section of curtain and numbly covered Jesse’s body in it trying not to let Dina see. She failed. That night Dina screamed herself hoarse into Ellie’s chest. Ellie couldn’t even cry, a barren ache had overtaken her heart becoming a yawning maw of darkness ready to snap down and consume her if she paid it any mind. She’d owed it to Jesse to get him home after everything he had done for her.

What kind of shitty fucking friend dumps all their problems on their friend and runs?

Despite protests from Tommy and Dina she’d spent the next two daysscavenging a working vehicle and gas, broken arm be damned. There had been an unsettling lack of WLF presence that day, which she’d barely acknowledged. Fueled by a hollow focus to do something for someone other than herself for once in her miserable life, she’d pushed herself beyond her limits, nearly passing out behind the wheel of the SUV she found. When she had woken, the three of them wrestled Jesse’s body into the very back, surrounding him with their packs and the four canisters of gas Ellie managed to obtain. Ellie drove them home, never once glanced in the rear view mirror for fear she’d see Jesse staring back at her. The last thing she remembered before waking up in the infirmary with Jesse parents watching over her was the shock on Maria’s face when she stepped out of the truck in front of Jackson’s gates and passed out.

JJ pulled at her hair and Ellie realized she had spaced. Lost in the memory long enough to hate the way Dina cast a pitying stare.She settled on the old faded blue couch, the quilt on the back was new, it seemed to be a farm scene made of repurposedshirts she realized had been Jesse’s.She rested JJ on her lap facing her so they could make silly faces at each other. He happilybabbled away in his little baby language scooting himself further up her lap until he was in range to pound his tiny fists against her sternum.

“Yow, Spuddy, you got a mean hit.” Ellie held him steadily on her legs as she flopped over dramatically, carefully placing him on her stomach. “You win!” He bounced and clapped in victory.

“Okay champ. It’s lunch time.” Dina came over with a soft smile and took JJ off of Ellie’s stomach. Ellie sat up and shifted over on the couch when Dina nudged at her thigh. “Robin’s in the kitchen making us sandwiches, she could probably use some help. JJ needs to eat.”

Ellie watched as Dina pulled down the neck of her shirt and bra letting JJ latch onto her breast. Once he settled Dina hummed a mindless tune, stroking his hair as he happily ate, nestled in the crook of her arms. Dina’s ability to care for her son made Ellie’s heart skip like nothing else. It was so surreal to watch them framed by the light of the window, they resembled old paintings Ellie saw in a church once. Only better. She could see the love and trust in JJ’s eyes as he nursed. It was an experience in the world she’d never witnessed. It went beyond the bonds Ellie had formed herself and she felt humbled by the moment between mother and son. Dina cleared her throat with a tight glare and nodded to the other room. Ellie, ashamed, glanced to a section of the couch back that had a slight hole forming from use, cause of course she’d get caught forgetting a new boundary. One she took for granted.

“Kitchen. Robin. Go on.” she urged over the crown of JJ’s head.

“Right, sorry. Kitchen. Robin. Going.” Ellie, said sheepishly. Thumb pointed over her shoulder in the direction of the kitchen. She headed to the back side of the house along the dining room. She could have taken the easier route that passed the front door, but that way had pictures of the three of them plastered up on the walls. The last thing Ellie wanted in this moment was a reminder of how she’d failed Jesse. The distance between her and Dina ached enough in her chest already.

Ellie knocked lightly on the wall. Uncertain of what to do. Dried herbs and flowers hung from a section in the middle of the ceiling over a heavy oak table that had been placed in the center of the room. It was covered with all sorts of pots and pans. On the corner, next to the carcass of a chicken that had been picked apart for lunch, stood Robin. She was about Dina’s height, she favored her right leg and shifted all her weight on it to ease the pain. Robin’s whole face glowed with joy, placed a slice of bread over a pile of chicken and shuffled over to greet Ellie.

Jesse had gotten her eyes, a deep brown effused with a fierce intelligence. They even shared the same kind look. Ellie forced herself not think about how empty they had been in the end.

“It’s about time you visited.” Her eyes warm as she took in Ellie. “I’ve missed you.” Robin opened her arms and Ellie stepped in to them. Robin laughed at the rigid way she held her. Ellie didn’t want to believe it was that simple. She’d run off to die, not been too busy to come visit.

“Always so stiff. Relax, you’re family.” Ellie did as she was told and Robin hummed her approval. “See this, this is a nice hug.” They separated, Robin bumped her hip into Ellie’s. “Was that so hard?

Despite the anxiety in her stomach Ellie shook her headand smiled. The woman could get the hardest of folks to chill out. Robin moved around the table putting everything away. She pointed to the plates. “Be a dear?”

“Un-fawn-tunately, I can only be a human.” Ellie quipped, she wanted to try for Robin who clearly made an effort for her. Ellie carefully balanced two plates on her left arm and grabbed the third in her right hand. “Where we eating?”

“Ugh, terrible pun, get out of my kitchen.” Robin shooed her out. “Take those out into the living room. The plate with the mashed peas is for Dina, JJ loves them.”

JJwas alreadyeating solids? She didn’t even know if peas were his favorite or if he just loved them. Ellie figured that was something a mom should know. She should be fucking grateful she even gets to watch him now, happy and fed, crawling around on some grand baby adventure.

“Madam, Sir, lunch is served.” She placed the food down on the table in front of the couch with a deep bow.

She intercepted Robin who helda pitcher of tea withthree glasses,gently taking the pitcher from her.

“You don’t have to, Ellie.”

“Go sit, I got it. I got it.” She said before pretending to drop the pitcher. A gag she played on Dina numerous times at the farmhouse.Robin yelped and startled, smacking Ellie’s arm.

“You’re just as bad as Jesse.” Ellie almost dropped the pitcher for real. She never understood how easily people could speak of the people they lost. The thought of talking, let alone so casually about Riley, or Sam, or Tess. Jesse… Joel, put an acrid taste in her mouth like she had swallowed gasoline and someone had shoved the lit match into her mouth.

They ate in relative silence, humming their approval of Robin’s meal. JJ sat on Dina’s lap as she alternated between feeding herself and helping him with his peas. Ellie scarfed down her sandwich, the bread was similar to her first meal in Jackson, the heirloom tomatoes bold and flavorful. Much better than anything she’d managed to grow on the farm. The roasted chicken was tender and juicy the first bit of poultry she’d had in months. She finished first and took JJ from Dina so she could eat without interruption. The little goober kept trying to feed his Mama.

The relaxed atmosphere didn’t last, outside they heard the rushed stomping of boots crashing up the front stairs. Loud pounding knocks shook the door in its frame. Ellie stood first, JJ tightly held against her frame, defensively placing herself between the door and the rest of the room. Robin touched the crook of her arm gently as she passed by to open the door. Ellie relaxed.

“Who the hell could that be? Robin opened the door and stepped aside allowing a burned out Maria to enter.

“Maria, Ellie’s here shes safe.” Robin pointed to where Ellie stood as Maria marched over to where Dina sat.

From his spot in Ellie’s arms JJ grew antsy. His head moving from face to face trying to understand what was happening. She shushed and rocked him, giving Maria a questioning look.

“I’m here for Dina.” Maria announced in a huff.

“Whatever it is, I didn’t do it.”

“This time.” Maria teased, before her smile faded into a thin line. “You know I wouldn’t interrupt this if wasn’t an emergency. Simon found a section of the electric fence out by the entrance to the dam where those Bandits had been spotted the other day. He can’t figure out why its not working.”

Dina jumped to her feet, rushed over to the hallway and grabbed her jacket and boots. “Simon’s eyes are shit. Last week he soldered three wires to the casing of the walkie he was working on.”

“Well, I ain’t gonna wait around for him to figure it out. Not with Bandits around. So it’s all hands on deck. You’re with Sergei he’s already checked your tool bag out.”

“Mind babysitting?” Dina plopped down on the couch, efficiently slipping her boots on. Her brow quirked.

Ellie grinned and hefted JJ up. “Hear that, Potato? It’s me and you while Mama goes and keeps this whole town safe with that ginormous brain of hers.” Dina rolled her eyes and stood.

“Robin can fill you in on what he needs til I get back okay? Be good for Momma, bud” she leaned across Ellie and pressed a kiss to JJ’s forehead. The smell of the honey soap Dina washed with hit her, and it took all the effort in her body not to lean in and kiss her neck. Dina pulled back, the ghost of a smile on her lips, Ellie would have missed it if she hadn’t seen it sent her way almost every day they were together.

“Aye, aye, captain. Be safe.” Ellie saluted after her. Dina waved to JJ as she left with Maria. He wriggled in Ellie’s arms with a tiny waving motion of his own. Ellie swelled with pride, they’d got lucky with such a damn smart kid.

Ellie fedJJ the rest of his mashed peas. He helped so of course it mostly ended up on his face and her only good pair of pants. Robin handed her a wet towel to clean him off. When JJ signaled he no longer wanted to be held, Robin brought out a little play pen for him to hang out in. Ellie had a difficult time lowering him in, he’d wanted to assert his independence and she wanted to hold on and never fucking let go. They compromised by setting the pen right next to the edge of the couch where she sat. He kept to himself, babbling as he knocked blocks together or banged on the tiny rainbow xylophone Maria had given them when he turned six months old. Occasionally he would stand and walk himself, tiny fists gripped along the edge of the pen over to where they sat and drop a toy out on the floor for them to play with.

How have you been, Ellie.” Robin asked.

“You aren’t mad at me for leaving? Ellie avoided the question as she handed JJ his green wooden ring over the top of the pen. The question had been an itch in the back of her mind that she desperately needed to scratch. Robin shrugged.

“Can’t say I was happy about it. It wasn’t my choice to make.” She grew pensive. “But if half the things Jesse has told me are true, what you did was stupid, but not out of character.”

“Thanks I think?” Ellie furrowed her brows and turned her head. “Jesse talked about me?”

“You were his friend. Of course he did. Spent a lot of time telling us how you damn near got yourself killed on patrol. Like the time you jumped off a fire escape onto the runner that was attacking him.” She ticked off on her finger. “Or the time you used yourself as a distraction against that group of Bandits so he could escape with Jerry when he got shot.” Another ticked finger. “Oh! Or the time you-”

“Okay. He thought I was reckless I get it. Fuck.” Ellie interrupted. She sniffed her nose and picked at the cuticle of her pointer finger. “He’d do the same for me. He was one of the best people I’ve ever met.” In her peripheral Ellie saw Robin’s head move as she lowered it to get her attention.

“Jesse admired you a great deal. There was a reason he was loyal to you, you know. It wasn’t because you were reckless. It was for the same reasons you went out of your way, at your own personal risk, to bring him back to us despite overwhelming odds.” Robin placed a gentle hand on Ellie’s knee. When she met her gaze both their eye’s eyes were glassy.

“You’re family.” Robin spoke the words with such honesty and sincerity she might as well have slapped Ellie in the face. “You two and Dina, you made something special in this hell of a world just for the three of you. You had each other no matter what.

“He deserved so much better.” _Than what I did to him. What I made him do_. “Than me.”

“Jesse was a man who made his own choices. Even if in the end we didn’t like where they led.” JJ started fussing in his pen. Ellie reached in and pulled him out letting him play with her hand. She met Robin’s gaze. “You made your own. Don’t go around making choices JJ wouldn’t understand.

Ellie set her forehead against JJ’s, “Yeah I’m never gonna do that anymore.”

“Now, Ellie. Tell me how have you been.”

Conversation came easy after that. JJ stayed on her lap amusing himself. Robin was as charming and straight forward as Jesse, it was easy to like her when she wasn’t pushing for them to stay in Jackson. Eventually, she got up to start dinner. The room had gotten dark and she turned the lights on for them when she returned from the kitchen with applesauce for JJ to snack on.

Ellie thanked her and tucked herself up against the arm of the chair.. She propped JJ up on the backs of her thighs while she helped him feed himself. How the fuck did she ever let herself break to the point she thought this was worth leaving. She blinked up at the ceiling, before she placed her forehead against JJ’s. He stilled and pulled his head back. Ellie gazed affectionately into his eyes.

“Hey,” she started. “I know I already told this to your Mama, but I fucked up, Potato. Big time. And I’m gonna do everything I can to make it up to you. I promise, I’m never leaving you like that again. I swear. Can you forgive me?” JJ stared at her. Head swiveling to look her over. His eyes brightened and shrieking with laughter, he smeared his applesauce over her face.

“Dude, c’mon!” A laugh bubbled up within her throat and she grinned wildly at him. “I was serious here!”

“You deserved that one.”

Ellie flinched and turned around to face where Dina, arms crossed, leaned against the wall her flyaway hairs noticeable in the soft light of the hallway. She hadn’t even heard her come back.

“How long you think Mama’s been creepin’ on us over there, Potato?” Ellie asked JJ conspiratorially as he pulled at her hair.

“Long enough to see JJ wreck you with that Applesauce.” Dina threw a wet cloth at her, resulting in a direct hit. Ellie groaned at the gross, damp feeling across her face and neck. JJ shrieked in delight as she attempted to wash his face with the cloth still on hers.

Dina peeled the towel off Ellie’s face with a secretive little smile that made her heart beat just a little faster. “He’s gonna be knocked out tonight after all this excitement.”

“Guess my work here is done.” Ellie said handing JJ over, who yawned and hugged himself against Dina’s neck. “I should head out then.” She didn’t want to impose any more than she already had. She stopped in the kitchen to say goodbye to Robin who hugged her tightly and made her promise she’d come visit, that she’d be welcome back anytime. Ellie said she would, but knew she’d only go anywhere with Dina’s permission.

JJ sleepily cradled against her, Dina was at the door, opening it as Ellie stepped out, her breath condensed into visible puffs in the cold of evening. The moon a waning crescent among the stars which dotted the sky, and the pale light of the houses washed across the ground. It was peaceful. She turned back to Dina, haloed by the light from the front hallway, ducking her head a little at the sight. She was radiant and Ellie’s pulse raced like a band of wild horses under her skin.

“Thank you for this.” Ellie stuffed her hands into her pockets, rocking up onto the balls of her feet and back down. She couldn’t stop the stupid grin she felt forming on her face “I missed him so much, Dina. Missed you both. Today meant so much.”

Dina reached out and drew Ellie into a hug, her arm going under Ellie’s, her hand rested squarely in the middle of her back. Ellie placed her arm along Dina’s shoulders, gripping lightly at the outside of her bicep and returned the squeeze. They stood there, JJ pressed between them, the world reduced to the three of them in the light that spilled around them. Dina turned her head and tucked Ellie’s shoulder underneath her chin, murmuring into the space just outside the door.

“Thank you for coming home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew, this was a doozy to write! I'm super grateful for y'all so I ended up almost tripling my orginal word count to show my appreciation. So thank you so much for reading it all!
> 
> Trauma and Recovery is a real book and one that could potentially be found in world. I always thought Joel might seek some books out to help Ellie with her trauma over David. 
> 
> Now that Ellie is home and established a safe place to heal we have ended what I've dubbed the fall section of the fic, the next chapters will happen during the winter and there will be a tiny tiny time skip. 
> 
> NEXT UP: YOU HAVE TO TALK TO PEOPLE SO YOU CAN HEAL, ELLIE. 
> 
> unbeta'd as always so many apologies for any grammer/editing mistakes. I can only read this so many times before everything merges into one giant ball of data, like that one scene in the Digimon movie.


	5. None But Our Self Can Free Our Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie reaches a boiling point as she comes to terms with her present.  
> Her past comes to her aid.  
> Healing isn't linear, as long as you keep trying it isn't the end.

That night played over and over in Ellie’s mind for weeks. After their hug ended Dina had firmly established boundaries for them before shutting the door and leaving Ellie. No coming over unannounced, she wasn’t going to be at any of the dinners Robin invited Ellie over to, she could visit JJ during those dinners, they would establish a schedule with him as time went on, no leaving notes for her unless they were about JJ, no talking to her in public. Dina wasn’t looking for a relationship with her. She was looking for a fresh start. It took a few days of moping in her room for Ellie to understand it was for the best. Whatever happens between them is up to Dina, and whatever she decided she needed to make that work, is what they do. Getting hit in the face with a sledgehammer hurt less.

What was her hurt but merely a fraction of the hurt Dina had endured for her. Dina wasn’t walking out, she wasn’t asking Ellie to shut a door without knowing if she’d ever see her again, she wasn’t asking Ellie to walk into unknown danger. Ellie wanted to earn back Dina’s trust more than anything, even if it took her the rest of her life. Even if it meant taking a longer route home to avoid running into her, or declining an invite to a social outing because a mutual acquaintance hadn’t picked up on the fact that they were giving each other space. When she boiled it all down all Dina asked of Ellie was to wait for her signal.

_I_ _thought I got over you, but when I sa_ _w_ _you in that graveyard unprepared … I_ _still g_ _o_ _t_ _upset_ _and that’s not fair._

One evening over a couple after dinner drinks, Cedric mentioned how Dina and JJ had turned to him and Robin for support shortly after they returned to Jackson and that he would hold Ellie accountable for her actions if she ever did anything remotely harmful to either of them. Ellie assured him there was no fucking chance of anything like that happening ever again. Even through the shame, Ellie remained eternally grateful for them. They stepped up for her family and still had accepted her back no questions asked. When Ellie had asked him why they didn’t hate her Cedric had cryptically replied, “You answered prayers.” Ellie still hadn’t figured out what he meant by that. Resolute in her belief she had ignored plenty of prayers by continuing to make her way to the coast. The first day she arrived to pick up JJ he had pulled her aside and told her that she would always have a place to stay, because “Jesse would have been pissed. But I know my son would never turn away from his friends troubles and the opportunity to give them shit for it. I’m going to honor that.”

Then the next day Ellie discovered just what Cedric meant by that when Maria assigned her to work maintenance rotations and found out he was in charge of the maintenance crews. He smiled, handed her a work slip, and she was sent off to fix a plumbing issue over by the mess hall. Ellie admitted that it was a good joke. Ellie could see so much of Jesse in Cedric beyond physical similarities. Jesse was there in the way Cedric had welcomed her back to Jackson like she hadn’t spent the last few months abandoning his family. His unwavering love and loyalty to all people remained a lasting testament to his late son. As well as all the annoying and surprisingly deceptive teasing.

She’d kept her promise to meet with Maria for lunch every Sunday and it had been going well enough. She’d talk about what happened during the week, what she was looking forward to. Maria would try to ask about what happened to her hand, at the farm. Ellie could always get her to drop it by discussing new plans for Jackson. Bringing up the past was only gonna hurt her now. She didn’t want to relive what she’d already moved on from. Despite that they bonded pretty well living together. Maria had found a DVD set of old horror movies and they spent a couple of nights a week hanging out on the couch, tearing apart the movie while they sipped whiskey. Ellie was fond of the zombie movies, when compared to the real thing it was like watching a comedy.

For the first time in her life Ellie had hope that she was on the right path to something beyond waiting to die. And yet. She couldn’t quite call it living yet, not when her nightmares rotated along each night like a carousel of horrors. David, Tess, Riley Jesse, the millions of people her life would have saved taunted her from the darkness behind closed eyes. Closed doors. What had she ever done to deserve to live? Joel didn’t even stay in her dreams anymore. In his wake he left her to wrestle with his choice.

The reminders forced her out of her bed and down the stairs into Maria’s sitting room where she would spend her time – until dawn came or until she passed out – cutting her hands open on Joel’s woodworking tools attempting to shave the right sized sliver off a block of wood so it looked a little less like a block of wood. Drawing was always nice, but she’d been struggling with Joel’s eyes again. They never looked right and it frustrated her. She wished she had grabbed some paints from the house, so she could paint Maria. Surprisingly, learning how to whittle ended up being pretty fucking calming. No matter what she did the nightmares continued. It was better than nothing. She opened the guitar case up, set the guitar against the window, she just couldn’t play. She’d written a few new songs, any attempt to play made her hands shake. As soon as dawn crested she shoved all that down, she wasn’t going to get better if that’s all she thought about. Bringing up the past won’t fix it. She had to focus on getting better.

\------ ------ ------

The first few weeks of working maintenance had been basic upkeep around town, go fix this, patch up that, not much excitement. Initially Ellie resented that she’d been put back to the most basic work assignment. Everyone that came to Jackson started here.

Over the last four weeks she’d been placed on a specialized work crew clearing out and fencing off a new area towards the back of Jackson. Maria planned on expanding the living arrangements to compensate for the influx of people that had visited the town and decided to stay. It would be a transitional residential area so folks who arrived would have a place to stay while they were re-homed. That way they all wouldn’t be living in the barracks. The work was back breaking and Ellie thrived on it. Every day she came home dog-tired and hungry, covered in dried sweat and dirt. She had not been without something to keep her busy since she started working again. Even if she was fucking back where she started off with Joel seven years ago.

Combined with Robin sending her home with multiple containers of food and Maria constantly leaving food out for her, she’d put back on a decent amount of weight. Still slight, but with more muscle. Thanks to the grueling hours spent removing overgrowth, pushing around wheelbarrows full of earth, lifting bags of concrete, and building fencing, she was starting to fit into Joel’s old clothes in a way that made her feel better about her self.

Despite her initial letdown, maintenance and construction had been good for her. Cedric was a pretty good boss, the crew treated her well – helping her through a rough mental adjustment period at the beginning – she actually liked Barry, her shift partner. He was a lot more fun to work maintenance jobs with than Joel had been. Actually enjoyed fucking around to make the shift move faster. He was a naturally amicable guy, whose goofy nature made him easy to like. They’d spend hours creating dumb little challenges; such as who could carry more tools on their belt at a time, who could last longer without a mask during septic cleaning, whatever stupid shit that made them laugh. Ellie hadn’t had a friendship born this quickly without any effort. He didn’t expect anything out of her on her bad days and he was easy to get along with on her good days. It was nice.

“Barry tell me. How’s it feel to be owned by the snow fucking master!” Ellie clapped her gloved hands together knocking off the dusting of snow that had accumulated there pumping her fists in jubilation. The crew’s job had almost been finished, until three feet of snow got dumped on them overnight. They had rushed to get the job done in time, however, winter in Jackson always arrived hard and fast. Work rotations changed up so everyone shoveled non essential areas for four hours on, two off, six on, to conserve gas for the vehicles, so the town could keep up with the weather. The new rotation she was on with Barry required they clear out an area by the stables. It also required the two of them to stop every fifteen minutes to battle it out in the snow to keep up morale.

“I’m pretty sure dumping an entire shovel full of snow on my head nullified our treaty and as such your victory has been tainted.” Barry groaned from his spot on the ground, covered by the small pile of snow melting on his face. “You’re a cruel opponent. I’m but an old man with a family to think about! I’m a father, I have three kids!”

“You’re like ten years older than me tops and you have two kids!” Ellie griped back, reaching down with her right hand to pull him up. Barry’s hand gripped around her forearm, and with a devilish grin, he hauled her down into the pile of next to him. Barry laughed maniacally as he got up to his feet. “Maybe next time don’t tell me my Dizzy isn’t one of my kids.”

“Oh fuck you, dude!” Ellie chucked a chunk of snow at his shaking back. He held his hands up in a truce before helping Ellie up. “That maneuver definitely broke the treaty. Plus, Dizzy’s a dog.”

“One day kid, you might get a pup of your own. Maybe then you’ll understand!” Barry eye’s crinkled from his smile. He shook the snow from his long black hair and picked up their shovels, handing Ellie hers with a wink. “Now lets get this place cleared so we can go the fuck home.”

Two hours later the area around the stables had been cleared out and the two of them headed back to the old trailer that served as the maintenance office, taking turns shoving each other into snow every few feet. They walked in to the office, tracking melted snow over the floor as they went, boots squeaking on the linoleum. They checked their gear back in and went over to the shift books to check out. Barry knocked Ellie’s hand so her signature was fucked up.

“Asshole!” She socked him in the arm.

“Be gentle with me, I need this arm.” Barry held his arm like she had stabbed him.

“I mean, you got another one. If you're gonna be that much of a baby about it, you could ask Wendy for help.” Ellie waggled her eyebrows at him.

“Do not speak of my wife like that. This is my shooting arm. I’m gonna need it. Wendy is teaching me so I can join her on patrol.” Barry’s chest puffed out and he stood a little taller. Ellie didn’t have the heart to tell him how fucking much patrolling actually hurt. Not just physically. Some people never come back.

People you loved.

Despite the hardships protecting Jackson was good work, she missed it. Patrolling came easy for her. She never really had many nightmares when she had work that exhausted her. Maybe that was the next step to healing. She’d just have to talk to Maria.

Leaving the building they made their way through the town center, towards the row of houses. Barry babbled on about something but her mind was fixated on how to bring it up to Maria she wanted to get back on patrol.

“Earth to Ellie come in Ellie!”

Barry waved his hand in her face. Ellie batted it away. “Fuck’s sake, what?”

“Thought I’d have to get Houston on the horn for sec, I said Wendy came back from patrol last night, and guess what she found me?” Barry prompted.

“A ball gag to shut you up with?” Ellie quipped, turning her head down. Barry made working these rotations fun, but she was starting to get the itch for something more meaningful. Hell, she’d even take a god damn watch shift at this point just to be a fraction of use to the town like she had been.

“What no? Weird. A new video game!” Barry’s brow pinched together at her answer before he grinned. “Apparently there is a second Little Big Planet!” He threw his hands out and waggled them as though he had performed some sort of magic trick.

“That’s cool.” Ellie shrugged and picked up her pace. Her skin started to feel uncomfortable and she could lie to herself; say its from the frigid air on her wet clothes. It was getting harder to lie each time.

“You wanna come over for dinner and play it after?” Barry trailed behind her, his voice painfully hopeful. “The kids go to bed early tonight, which means you won’t have to fight for the controller.”

“Can’t tonight. Maria and I made plans for dinner cause I had to miss lunch to freeze my ass off out here with you.” She’d meant it as a joke, the words came out sounding more harsh. She stopped at a row of houses Barry lived at. The light from his house catching on the snow across the street, making it scintillate. There was a snow man outside, surrounded by deep furrows in the snow. Evidence of his kids rolling snow all around the ground.

He was getting to live a future she might have lost entirely.

“Well, the offer stands whenever ya like.” Barry rubbed at his beard, he hid his disappointment well. He clapped a hand on her shoulder. “I’ll see ya next shift, eh. Put in a good word with Maria for me.” It was a joke he ended on every time when he found out she was the niece of Jackson’s leader.

“I’ll be sure to tell her how horrible you are and that she should demote you solely to outhouse duties.” The response felt rote her her mouth, the numb repetition of what was expected to her. Her focus was on getting Maria to put her back on patrol.

Ellie tromped into Maria’s house, kicking the snow off her boots outside the door before heading in. The smell of something delicious filled the house and her stomach grumbled. She peeled her gloves off and stuffed them into her jacket pocket and hung her jacket up on the pegs above the rack where all their foot wear was organized. She pulled off her boots, wiggling her toes in the thick wool of her socks as the were freed. Maria’s soft whistling could be heard in the back room. She might be in a good enough mood to give Ellie a yes. Ellie followed the sound.

“Maria?” Ellie knocked softly on the wall next to the door. Maria was sitting at the old oak desk reading a book. She pushed her glasses up on to head, revealing more gray hair among the blonde, her mouth turning up into a kind smile.

“Hey, kid. How was work?”

“Cold.” Ellie walked over next to Maria, eyes narrowed on the book. The white spine looked familiar. She nodded her chin toward it. “What’s that?”

“A book.” Maria flipped it over so her page was saved against the wood of the desk. Ellie saw the familiar title _Trauma and Recovery_. Joel’s book. There was no reason to be reading it.

“I can see that, I didn’t know you could read.” Ellie sat of the edge of the desk. She rubbed a thumb over the flesh of her palm where the skin there started to tingle.

“It was Joel’s.” Maria’s tone was neutral, her eyes carefully studied Ellie’s face. “I was tidying up. I noticed it hadn’t been put back.” Ellie made a noncommittal hum in the back of her throat. “It’s actually pretty interesting.”

“He never told me he could read.” Ellie crossed her arms, peering out the window at the darkened sky over the town. Maria pointed to the sill where Ellie had rested her guitar, figuring if she left it out maybe she’d been more inclined to play.

“You finally took the guitar out, you playing again?”

“No. I’ve been drawing...” Ellie pressed her thumb along the scar tissue of her pinkie, just enough for it to throb. “Learning to whittle.”

“That’s good. This book recommends establishing a hobby to help direct you attentions after experiencing trauma.” Maria took the glasses off her head, folded the arms and placed them next to the book. “It also recommends talking about what happened.”

“Okay, nope we’re not doing this.” Ellie pushed herself up off the desk, uncrossing her arms. “I don’t need to talk about what happened.”

“Ellie these meals have been great but we haven’t talked about whats really been goin’ on with you.” Maria stood, sighing. Her eyes were pained, tears threatened to fall. “Ellie, I’m worried.”

“Nothing. Things happened.” Ellie averted her gaze away from Maria, her eyes darted over to Joel’s guitars on the wall, the patterns in the rug on the floor. Anywhere but at the person that caused her fingernails to dig into the flesh of her palm. “I’m moving on.”

“Like hell it ain’t nothing. I thought maybe talking you’d trust me with what happened in California. You’re missing fingers, you have a new bite. You didn't talk to me about Seattle either. I had to find everything out from Tommy and Dina!” Maria eyes went wide as if she hadn't meant to let Dina’s name slip. Ellie felt her anger grow at her situation. This is why she couldn’t talk to other people. They treated her like she owed them answers. Dina tried to get her to do that same thing, all it ever did was make her guilt worse over what happened, made her unable to focus on anything else, made her want to rip her skin off to escape her thoughts.

“I don’t need to talk about all that. I need to put it behind me like I’ve been doing. Talking is just gonna make it worse. I’m working, I’m eating. I sleep better than I did! I wanna go back on patrols. I think that would help me.”

“No.” Maria shook her head, her palms on the desk shoulders squared. “Absolutely not. Not currently up for discussion.”

“C’mon, Maria! You know I’m good at patrol. I’m better than half the folks you got runnin’ around and you know it.” Ellie slammed a fist against the desk.

“Ellie you’ve just been through so much, I cant just throw you on patrol with out making sure you’re okay!” Maria’s jaw dropped like she couldn’t believe this was a discussion they were having. Her gaze passed over the book then to Ellie. She waved a hand to the book. “I don’t think Joel would think it’s a good idea either.”

“Fuck what everyone wants for me! I can make my own choices! I’m my own fucking person!” Ellie screamed, pacing back and forth, the bones in her hands hurt from how tightly she clenched them. It wasn’t fair, he was gone and she still had to live with his choice. “He fucking left like everyone else! He doesn’t get to keep making choices for me!”

The rumble of anger in her ears built until the world tunneled out and she zeroed in on the closest object she could direct her anger at. She kicked out at the guitar, knocking it over she heard the splintering of wood as the head stock cracked off the hardwood of the floor. The twang of snapped strings made her flinch. Joel had always cautioned her about leaving guitars out of the case with no stand.

_You gotta be careful, kiddo. Gee-tars can be fragile things._

“Fuck all of this.” Ellie swore under her breath. She needed to get out of here, needed a drink. She couldn’t handle this right now. Her breaths came in harsh pants and she knew she’d regret what happened if she let herself calm down. She wanted this anger, deserved this. Joel was dead. Riley was dead. Jesse was dead. Everyone was dead. But her. Somehow fate kept her miserable existence going… her life wasn’t worth them losing theirs.

Ellie stormed from the room, her ears rang. She grabbed her jacket and shoved her feet into her sneakers. She ripped the door open, a blast of frigid air hit her in the face as she stormed out. She slammed it so hard behind she swore the whole house shook with her anger. Joel’s death was something she made peace with. She loved the man. Yet, without some sort of work that meant anything, she was left to float along life like a leaf on the river. No way to direct herself.

“This is stupid.” Ellie chewed her lip raw during the trek to the Tipsy Bison. Each long stride that took her away from the house cooled her down, her anger ebbing away to shame. The anger didn’t dissipate entirely, it burned low like embers in a fire pit, one good stoke away from a full blaze. She hadn’t had an outburst this bad since the farm, since the last time someone asked her to open up about her past, she was supposed to be getting better. If talking made her this upset, what was the point of trying. There had to be another way to show Maria she was getting better.

Ellie pushed the door of the Tipsy Bison open. Hit with a wave of heat from the roaring fire in the corner, Ellie thawed. She noticed there had been a few changes since she’d been in years ago. Strings of soft lights were strung up around the ceiling, making the room more inviting. The dart board had been moved to the other side of the room and someone had discovered an old pool table. A small group of folks busy playing cards on the bar top. Their conversations drowned out the clinks of silverware and glass, filling the room with a low murmur that went up to the rafters. Everyone caught up in their own little world, her own presence went unnoticed. Ellie weaved her way through the small crowd to a table in the back right corner, shucking her jacket off. She found the table she wanted was open, tossing her jacket over the back of one of four chairs that sat around it. This had been her favorite spot whenever she agreed to join Jesse, Dina and whoever else wanted to join for a night out after patrols. The table was situated right next to a support beam keeping her hidden enough she could watch most of the room without having to worry about anyone sneaking up on them while they hung out.

With her jacket claiming her spot, Ellie stuffed her left hand in her pocket and made her way over to deal with Seth. She wasn’t in the mood for him, but he did supply the drinks. When she sidled up to the bar she instead saw a broad shouldered young man, sandy haired with a thick auburn beard, using a rag to dry and hang up beer mugs on the rack above the bar. Ellie glanced around the room noting she couldn’t see Seth’s extremely punchable face. It was so hard to miss. If she was really lucky Seth had finally spouted too much bullshit and got himself demoted to the backroom. The man saw her and did a double take rushing over to help her.

“Holy shit. You really are back!” He exclaimed, his brows curved up into his curly hairline. Ellie opened her mouth and stared. “It’s Robert, um Seth's son.” Recognition hit her like a truck, she could see the small scrawny boy who awkwardly asked her out once during her first bonfire shortly after she and Joel arrived in Jackson. He had been transformed into an entirely different person. If it weren’t for the patchy red birthmark just under his left eye she wouldn’t have even recognized him. They had worked together on a few farm rotations before he went off to help Seth run the Bison.

“Oh man. The last time I saw you I think you were half my size.” He laughed.

“Well, hard work and puberty helped. You want a whiskey?”

“Sure.” Robert reached over and grabbed a tumbler, filling it half way with a pour of whatever whiskey the Bison managed to trade for. He placed it in front of her and rubbed at the back of his neck.

“Hey, uh first drink is on the house tonight.”

“Thanks?”

“Well I am glad you’re back.” He stared at a spot on the counter and scratched away some unknown dried substance before continuing in a much somber voice. “My dad. I don’t agree with how he treated you at the dance.”

“That was like two years ago. You had nothing to do with that.” Ellie dismissed it with a wave of her hand.

“He still said some fucked up shit and I’m not cool with it. So I’d still like you to have it.” Robert pushed the glass toward her.

“I’m not stupid enough to turn down free whiskey.” Ellie shrugged, knocking back the drink in one gulp. Her cheeks flushed, the warm burn traveled down into her stomach and spread out to her limbs, a pleasant buzz made it’s way up her spine. She realized she hadn’t stayed home long enough to eat and the effects were instant.

Ellie tapped on the bar twice earning a chuckle out of Robert. “Another? Comin’ right up.” He poured another generous amount of whiskey and placed it in front of her. “You still got one liquor ticket and two draft tickets left after this. You holler if you need anything.”

“Thanks Robert.”Ellie nodded, picking her new drink off the bar and toasted him. He waved and went off to help the annoyed looking man at the other end of the bar.

The night was still young. Ellie made her way back to her table, more people had shown up, she weaved her way through to her spot. She preferred drinking at home or with friends at a bonfire, drinking in a building with this many people put her on edge but tonight she could make an exception. It wasn’t like she could go home and drink. She watched people come in and out for a little while sipping at her whiskey enjoying the warmth. She took her hand out of her pocket and placed it on her knee, hidden under the table. Her anger always built fast, even when she was younger. It felt like it had mutated into a whole new beast since Seattle. It seemed not even her trip out to Santa Barbara nor her night in the woods had quelled it. Fear gripped Ellie, she didn’t know what she’d face if she went back to Maria’s. She wanted her anger to be justified, it gave her a sense of purpose in the moment. She’d just been a huge asshole to the one person who gave up everything to help her. She’d blown through how many chances already? Ellie cradled her head in her right hand staring at the top of her table.

Would Maria even let her in after that outburst? She’d had a few before, back on the farm. She’d storm out to hunt, or go sit by the small creek that passed next to their farm until she felt calm enough to be near her family. Dina always let her back in. She took a deep pull of whiskey and stared into the remaining liquid.

In the refracted image of her whiskey she could see someone as they approached her table. Ellie bounced her leg, she really wanted to be left alone. A low, teasing, feminine voice spoke up before they stood in front of her.

“Sick looking tattoo. Where’d ya get it?” Only one person wore boots for fashion and not for practicality in the middle of winter. Though she’d be one to talk with her current choice of footwear.

“Hey, Cat.” Ellie glanced up at her. She still dressed in all black. Cat smiled down at her, her cheeks dimpling at the motion. She had shaved both sides of her head, her jet black hair pulled back into a bun on the crown of her head, revealing an intricate looking honeycomb tattoo with a queen bee nestled just behind her ear. She held two mugs full of beer in her hands. Ellie blinked. “Can I help you?”

“Sweet as ever I see.” She licked her lips. “Haven’t seen you around for a while.”

“Been busy, you know.” Ellie took a long swig. It had been a generous pour of whiskey.

“Breaking more hearts?” There was no malice in Cat’s voice. Deep down Ellie knew that’s just how she was, she didn’t mean anything by it. But in the moment it felt like being in a relationship with her was some fucking club.

“What the fuck do you want?” Ellie snapped.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that I was just trying to joke around.”

“M’not much in a joking mood right now.” Ellie slurred, finishing her drink. Cat chewed on her bottom lip, her eyes softened as she proffered one of the mugs of beer.

“You up for catching up with an old friend?” Ellie regarded her and the beer in her hand. It was a peace offering, which was more than Cat ever extended after they split. She supposed she could meet her half way.

“Fuck it. Free beer.” Ellie took the beer out of her hand and gestured with it towards the seat across from her, the one that didn’t block her view of the room.

“I see you still got a thing for whiskey? Robby! Two whiskeys, neat. Two fingers.”

“He gave me a drink, where’s Seth? They finally put him out back like they shoulda done years ago?”

“Ellie… You really didn’t hear?” Ellie shook her head. “Seth’s been dead for months. It was a heart attack.”

“No one said anything to me about it.” Ellie shrugged. She couldn’t find it in herself to care. One less bigot in Jackson. “Probably for the best.”

“Robby took over. He runs the place with his boyfriend, Jack. They’re real sweet, they’ve even started brewing their own beer. Bison’s been better than ever cause of them.” Cat peered over the rim of her glass with a small grin. “You look good.”

“You’re still a terrible liar.” A small grin crossed Cat’s face, eyes darting over to Robby as he dropped off her order.

“Robby, how’s Jack doin’? He not here tonight.” Cat inquired. Robert’s whole person seemed to soften at the mention of his partner’s name.

“He’s doing great, he’s at the house working on a way to bottle our beer up for people to take home.”

Ellie couldn’t help the broad smile that she gave him. It comforted her to know the place was in better hands. “This beer tastes great, man! I didn’t know you were brewing your own.” Robby stood a little taller at her words and grinned. “Thanks! I’ll bring you another round in a bit.”

The door of the Bison opened and Ellie heard the one laugh she’d be able to identify even if she lost her sight. It filled the room up and her heart swelled at the sound. Dina walked in with a blonde haired man. Ellie squinted trying to see who it was. Not that it was any of her business, the liquor fueled her curiosity. The man laughed harsh and grating and Ellie knew immediately it was Sergei. Dina befriended him long before they started working together, they met at some dance class. Ellie didn’t care for him, he never much liked her for some reason even when she tried to make nice with him at parties, for Dina’s sake. The two made their way to other side of the bar, the horseshoe shape of the room provided enough cover she felt she could get away with licking her wounds in the corner. She positioned herself strategically and there were enough people to keep her hidden.

Ellie knew she should leave, knew she should make some excuse and go, but seeing Dina brought forth a long buried question. The thread of thought she’d been picking at since the evening in the cemetery. She needed to unravel it.

“Why did we break up? Really.” Cat leveled her with an even stare. Chewed on her thumbnail as she considered the question.

“You want the truth?”

“Please.” Ellie pleaded. “I need to know.” Cat lifted her whiskey and finished it in two big gulps.

“You asked… Honestly Ellie, I was scared. After you ran away you came back a different person. You were … darker. More moody, you brooded,” Cat paused, pulling on the loose strand of hair that had escaped from her bun to frame the right side of her face. She pouted her lips and pinched her brows together as if she was ruminating on some dark thought, teasingly. “A lot.”

“I did not brood!” Ellie hid her face in the crook of her arm. “You make me sound like I was some Dawn of the Wolf character.”

“Oh, you totally were. It was kinda hot at first, not gonna lie. Cat teased, she chewed on her lip, her face grew somber. She observed Ellie before proceeding. “Until you started pushing me away. The worst thing was when you’d fucking throw yourself into patrols like you had some death wish. You’d come back covered in scrapes and...” Cat grabbed Ellie’s whiskey and took a sip. Her gaze was lost in their shared past, staring somewhere above Ellie. “That one time you came back unconscious in Jesse’s arms…” Her eyes squeezed against a painful memory. Ellie’s hand reflexively went to the scar on the bridge of her nose, where she had taken the butt end of a hunter’s rifle three times to the head while protecting her friend. “I thought you weren’t gonna wake up.”

Cat exhaled, “Then the anger, it would come outta nowhere and it hurt, Ellie. You’d say the cruelest things to me. You’d more than make it up to me after you calmed down but... I talked to my mom and realized whatever was hurting you was hurting me and you weren’t even trying to stop the spread. We had to break up.”

“So… the night at the bonfire?” Ellie questioned, remembering the night a group of the older kids snuck off to a recently cleared area to drink and goof off.

Someone had brought a guitar and it got passed around to the folks who could play. Ellie preferred to play in the comfort of her place or at Joel’s, singing in public always made her self-conscious. When Dina caught her eye and smiled, it was easy to pretend like it was just the two of them, like they were in her apartment and Dina requested a song before they headed off to movie night. Her friend’s eyes never left hers, it made her feel hot in a way that fire never could. The way the light and shadow from the flames danced across Dina’s features convinced Ellie she witnessed a star that fell to Earth. In that moment, fueled by adrenaline and a cupful of stolen moonshine, Ellie first acknowledged her desperate want to kiss Dina went beyond friendship. When her performance ended, she’d practically chucked the guitar at the next performer before she escaped to the edge of the firelight, where someone had set up a small drink station. Her hands shook trying to pour herself another round, as her mind cycled between reminding herself there was no way Dina could like her, she’d been dating Jesse for years, and that it would ruin more than just one friendship. She faced the group of kids and remembered that she was with Cat who had stormed towards her with tear soaked cheeks and demanded to know what the fuck just happened. Ellie suggested they talk it out at her apartment. The fight ended up being a huge blowout. Cat accused her of cheating and to protect herself, Ellie went inward. Shutting down entirely. Cat ran out and they hardly talked to each other since.

“Looking back I think I used that night as an excuse to end it. I knew you didn’t cheat on me, we grew apart, it happens. Then you sent me off like it was nothing.” Cat traced along the line work of the fox tattooed on her forearm. “I just wanted to hurt you, get through to you somehow. That seemed like the only way.”

“I have a habit of that I guess. I never thought Dina could ever like me.” Cat snorted and slapped a palm to her forehead. “What!? She didn’t tell me she liked me like that!”

“El, no one looks at someone the way she looked at you that night, not unless they’re some lovesick fool. Plus, she totally got jealous when she found out we hooked up. You’re just fucking oblivious.” She gave Ellie a pointed look over her mug of beer. Ellie blushed at that taking a too big gulp of her drink. Two thin lines of beer spilled out each side of her lips down her chin.

“I am not oblivious!” Ellie swiped at the dribble of beer on her chin.

“You’re kidding me, El. I literally had to climb on top of you and kiss you after I spent an entire tattoo session flirting with you because as you put it I was being nice.” Cat lifted her hands into air quotes at the last part.

“Complementing someone on their looks is nice.” Ellie flustered. “Your hair cut looks cool. See nice.”

“You’re kinda alright when you aren’t being an ass.”

“See, compliments.” Ellie motioned, tipping her mug towards Cat. “Nice.”

“Look, when things were good, they were really good. You’re sweet when you wanna be. And weirdly funny. And giving in many ways.” Cat winked. Ellie choked on her beer. “It wasn’t all bad. You were the first person I actually dated, and I do have fond memories. In the end, you were hurting yourself and I was not obligated to get hurt with you.” Ellie pondered on how she’d been letting herself fester all those years. How the wounds never healed because she’d inevitably start to pick at them. Allowed them to scab over only to reopen them when she put herself in harms way. Forcing the people around her to watch like it was some twisted spectacle.

“I think I get that now. Thanks, Cat. You deserved so much better than me.”

“Oh I know, that’s why I’m dating Tara and not you.”

“Tara?” Ellie cocked an eyebrow, leaning over the table. “Do tell.”

“She works in the clinic, she’s pretty great actually.” Cat blushed. Ellie couldn’t help the smile that pulled at her lips. She knew exactly how it felt to be so stupidly in love with a person. Finding someone wonderful for you.

“Well fuck yeah to that! Here’s to you finding someone that also likes to jab people repeatedly with needles.” Ellie raised her glass, the last dregs of beer swilling around. Cat laughed in surprise, bumping her empty glass against Ellie’s. “You’re so weird.”

“I’m happy for you, Cat. You’re really fucking awesome. I don’t think I told you that enough.”

“You’re alright, yourself.” Cat gathered their empty glasses as she stood up. “If you ever design a new tattoo, hit me up. I should head home.” It wasn’t closure on their past relationship, not in the sense Ellie read about in the schlocky Dawn of the Wolf books Cat forced her to read, but in this world it’s the closest thing they could afford.

Ellie nodded, she felt warm from the alcohol and the fact that they had managed to hold a conversation. “You have a good night.”

Cat snickered. “Oh I plan on it. Tara gets off soon which means I will too.” She waved good bye and sauntered out the door.

“Well shit.” Ellie blinked a few times. She really hadn’t expected her night to go that way. Ellie sat for a few minutes, absorbing what had just occurred. The crowd had lightened up and it was probably getting close to closing time. Ellie glanced at the clock on the wall. Ten-thirty. Close enough. Everything felt fuzzy and nice, she really didn’t need to keep drinking anymore. Ellie made to get up to put her jacket on. She wobbled, the rush of alcohol hitting her. She struggled for a few seconds getting her gloves on. She picked up her empty mug and brought it over to the bar. Robert came over with a glass of water.

“Drink this before you go. You look like you could need it.” He smiled as she chugged the whole glass in one go.

“You’re the one in charge.” Ellie handed the glass back to him with a crooked grin. He chuckled and took it over to the sink calling out as he went, “Hope to see you around more. I’d love to introduce you to Jack.” Ellie gave a thumbs up and moved to leave.

As with most good things that happened in her life there was always a fucking catch. Usually one that lost her someone she cared about. Ellie turned to see Sergei making his way towards her. He had a tight expression on his face, arms held out at his side. He put himself between Ellie and her path to the door. Ellie exhaled loudly through her teeth, feigning a tight smile.

“Sergei nice to see you, I was just about to head out.” Ellie kept her tone even. Breathing in through her mouth, out through her nose. Her head felt fuzzy, she wasn’t in the mood for this. She should have been smart and left the second she saw Dina walk in. “If you’ll excuse me.” She stepped to the side. Dina wasn’t at any of the tables behind him, probably off using the restroom. Perfect timing for someone to give her shit.

“You got a lot of nerve showing up after what you did.” Sergei didn’t bother to keep his voice low. He got right in her face, his breath stank of moonshine, “You don’t get to hurt her again.” Ellie pulled her face back from his, her hands clenched at her side. Struggling to keep her tone even.

“The fuck do you think you are?” Ellie hissed. Drawing herself up she saw out of the corner of her eye several people stopping to stare at the altercation. She needed to leave before she did something regrettable. “You don’t get to speak for Dina. She can speak for her fucking self.”

“I’m the guy that picked up the pieces.” Sergei slurred, sluggishly pointing to himself.

“Of course you fuckin’ are. I’m not talking about this with you.” Ellie shoved past him heading for the door as quickly as she could. The last thing she wanted to do right now was undo any good will towards Robert or risk Dina’s happiness, by engaging this dickless, self-righteous attempt to treat Dina like she was a fucking prize and not a person.

_You really need to stop letting people rile you up._ Joel had said that dozens of times, and still, it’s so fucking hard when they’re dicks. Proud of herself for getting so close to putting her hand on the handle of the door, Sergei had to fucking try his luck.

“You gonna walk away from me like you walked out on Dina.” He goaded after her. The diner grew silent save for the lone clatter of a fork against porcelain. She halted. Her world swayed, the alcohol made her stupid. She should walk out, leave and deal with the outcome of her bad decision to stay when she talked to Dina some other time, if she even wanted that after this. But of course she just had to give more attention to the part of her that wanted a fight, needed to hurt. She wasn’t allowed to have good nights or good things. Her hands shook at her side, with the effort to walk out. Hearing Dina’s name spill out his mouth like that was the verbal equivalent of a deep breath stoking the embers of her earlier anger into a renewed flame. Ellie wheeled about and stormed towards him.

“What the fuck is your problem?” Ellie growled, her face twisted up into a snarl as she pulled her fist from her pocket. “I was leaving and you gotta start shit so you what? You feel better, is that it?” For a small second Sergei cowered. Someone said her name. She saw Robert rounding the bar top in her peripheral. The combination was enough for Ellie to regain herself, to realize half the bar was waiting for her to fuck up and fight this idiot. Ellie stilled, counted to five and exhaled long and low. “You know what, you’re not even worth the energy.” She whirled around almost taking out Dina who stood still with her arm out towards Ellie. Clearly she rushed from wherever she had been to intervene with the altercation.

“Ellie?” Dina’s voice was quiet, almost reverent. In Ellie’s mind it rang out against the din of voices telling her to go back and smash his face in. She was looking at Ellie like she had never seen her before and the rest of her anger ebbed away to be replaced with guilt and shame.

“I was just leaving. I’m sorry I ruined your date. I didn’t mean to upset you.” The words were jumbled, they burned as if someone placed a hot coal in her mouth. Ellie staggered away, retreating towards the door.

“Jesus, Dina. What did you ever see in this psycho?” Sergei slurred as he approached them. Ellie’s shoulders tensed, her footing rigid as she forced herself to put one foot in front of the other until she was outside. Her mind screaming at her to not return and clean the bar top with his face. She pushed it open it, stumbling through. The sound of a slap behind her startled her.

“How fucking dare you! You don’t even know what we’ve been through!” The door slammed shut on Dina’s voice, angry and defiant.

“Fuck, what have I done.” Her mind spun with more than just alcohol. She’d fucked up and this fragile thing she had with Dina was over. It was over because she was selfish and let her emotions get the best of her. The blast of cold air was sobering enough to remind her of the boundaries she’d broken for a few drinks.

“You should have left, that’s all she asked, you can’t be here.” Ellie chanted as she slipped down the stairs and headed off down the street in a jog. Vaguely aware of the door banging against the wall of the bar.

Ellie tore down the row of buildings, trying to put as much distance between herself and the Tipsy Bison. She knew she shouldn’t have stayed. The cold night air burned in her lungs with each inhale. The guilt of staying after promising Dina she’d give her space… She promised her, and in a moment of self-indulgence, she’d ruined everything. The streets remained mostly empty with the exception of a few brave souls that warmed themselves next to one of the burn barrels Jackson set up during the winter months. A few of them yelled at her when she almost careened into their space, her footing uncertain; the combination of alcohol and poor choice in footwear made getting proper traction damn near impossible. She heard her name being called, the sound of it growing closer.

“Fucks sake! Ellie stop!” When her drunk brain finally comprehended the voice belonged to Dina she halted completely to comply. Turning around, the crunch of of Dina’s boots in the snow sounded far closer than she expected. Too close, Dina skidded to a stop a fraction too late. Ellie heard a soft “Shit” before she was barreled over next to one of the many snow piles around town. Dina half fell into the pile, her lower half pushed down on to Ellie. Ellie’s eyes watered as her skull cracked against the ground inches away from the cushion of packed snow right where the frozen edge of a tire track poked out. She brought her hands up to grip tightly at the back of her head and groaned. Dina gasped for air between cackling at Ellie and attempting to catch her breath.

“Shit! You hit harder than a bloater.” Ellie tried to sit up, but Dina was still on top of her. “I forgot how fucking fast you are.” Dina outran her several times when they escaped infected, even early on in her pregnancy.

“A bloater huh?” Ellie could hear the dangerous smirk in her voice, she opened one eye to see Dina, shifting herself towards the bank of snow. Ellie had barely enough time to bring her hands to protect herself, when Dina pushed a modest armful of snow onto her face.“I think you need to cool off, Ellie.”

“Oh come on,” Ellie spluttered around half a mouthful of snow. “I didn’t mean it like that and you snow it.” Dina responded with a noise of deep disgust. Her face pulled into a grimace before she burst into a fit of giggles.

“Please stop with the terrible puns before I have to bury you.” Ellie tried to hold a laugh at how silly Dina sounded trying to threaten her. She sputtered a few times and snorted which only made Dina laugh harder. Ellie calmed down, everything faded away until her own heavy breathing and Dina’s unbridled joy were the only sounds Ellie could hear.

Ellie found herself trapped underneath Dina’s legs, head thrown back with unrestrained laughter. Ellie’s jaw went slack at the sight. The warm timbre of her voice seeped into Ellie’s skin and burned her to the core. Too hot for the Wyoming winter, like she needed to rip off her clothes and jump into the nearest body of freezing water. Ellie managed to sober up enough to know it wasn’t the alcohol causing the feeling. She had to calm down before she did something stupid.

Taking advantage of their position, Ellie sat up a few inches, wrapped her left arm around Dina’s midriff while rolling her hips her to the side, using the momentum to haul an unprepared Dina into the bank of snow. She yelped in surprise.

“You fucking cheater!”

Ellie sat up fully, just in time for Dina to recover enough to shove her back into the snow. Which felt pretty damn nice on the almost certain lump that was forming on the back of her skull. She collapsed, laughing along with Dina who announced her victory with another faceful of snow.

“Truce, Dina! Truce!” Ellie brushed at the snow on her face and shoulders. She shivered violently when a rouge chunk of snow got under her collar and melted down her back.

“That’s for cheating.” Ellie glanced upwards, blowing a stray bit of wet hair out of her eyes. Returning her gaze to Dina she noticed that she was wearing her cowboy boots, the only time they ever got worn was when she danced and when they shared special nights out.

Ellie’s laughter immediately died down when the guilt of why she had been running in the first place returned to her like the tide. She ducked her head down to stare at the tops of her sneakers. “I’m sorry I ruined your date.”

“Hey. Don’t worry about that.” The gentle tone in Dina’s voice made Ellie turn her head to look at her. Dina’s eyes were unfocused and her breath carried the sickly sour smell of whiskey as she leaned towards Ellie’s face. She was setting her with a brilliant smile she hadn’t seen since just after JJ was born. It reached her eyes and Ellie’s breath caught in her throat. “That was not a date,” Dina scrunched up her face.

“Sorry I ruined your hostage situation then.” Dina punched her arm hard enough to cut through the layers of winter clothing. She rubbed at the ache in her shoulder. “Ow! You should teach Talia how to punch. She could really use the help.”

“Oh my god. Shut up.” Dina shook her head and glanced upwards, her tongue coming to brush over her teeth. Ellie followed the movement, until Dina smiled. Refocusing her attention back to the rest of Dina. “Cedric offered to watch JJ tonight so Robin could go to her quilting group and I could have a night off. I just wanted to have a few after work drinks and relax. Sergei is kind of the only friend I have right now besides them and Maria.”

“If you wanna drink without me ruining it, just have Cedric bring JJ to me and I’ll wat-” Ellie began before Dina put a gloved hand over her mouth.

“Shut up.” Her head turned down to the left so she could hear better. Ellie shifted her head trying to pick up on whatever Dina was hearing. Dina rolled her eyes.

“Dina! You out here!? I’m sorry!” The high whine of Sergei’s voice made Ellie grimace.

“You didn’t ruin anything, that was all him.” Dina complained. “You think for such a good friend he would respect me telling him to fuck off.”

“C’mon.” Ellie hauled them both up to their feet. Adopting a crouched stance, they unsteadily maneuvered until they were ducked down facing each other behind the bank of snow between the gallery and corner store. Ellie held her breath and popped her head up, seeing his mouth curl up in annoyance under light of the street lamp as he stopped in the middle of the street, about forty yards away from them, searching for Dina. She dropped back down and started to gather a small pile of snow into a ball. The last vestiges of alcohol in her system making her feel a little petty. She turned to Dina conspiratorially, a snowball in hand.

“I could probably get one good shot in. Before we double back towards your house.”

“Ellie, don’t.” Dina’s voice was low. Ellie placed the snow ball in Dina’s hand.

“What, cause you wanna do it?” She grinned when she saw the brief flash of consideration on Dina’s face morph into a wide grin. She gripped the snowball tighter.

“Fuck yeah, I do.”

“He’s up and to your left a bit.” Dina popped her head up and after a few seconds to take aim she lobbed it before pulling Ellie along by the front of her coat into the shadows of the store fronts.

They heard a loud curse as they ran parallel to the walls before dropping behind a pile that blocked off the end of the street. They slowly peeked over the top of the snow to see Sergei wiping snow from his face as he angrily stormed around searching for the culprit. Dina giggled and Ellie shushed her.

“C’mon stupid, lets get out of here before he finds us and I have to take another hostage.” Dina tugged her by the arm and they ran around the back heading out towards where the more residential buildings were. They slowed down to a walk as they got out of range of Sergei. It was exhilarating to run like they were fifteen again, giddy to explore a new friendship without a care of what the world around them thought of it. It felt natural, like real life hadn’t gotten in the way.

“That guy is such a dickweed.”

“I never thought he had that in him. He was always kinda quiet, ya know. I mean he’s been my friend since I arrived in Jackson. Sorry about him” Dina apologized. Raising a gloved hand to adjust the maroon scarf around her throat.

“Not your fault. That guy has never fucking liked me,” Ellie shrugged, pulling her face into an exaggerated look of confusion. “I didn’t even do anything to him.”

“I mean can you blame him? You’re the one that took me away.” Dina put the back of her hand against her forehead, dramatically.

“Ugh. You make it sound like we’re in a stupid rom com. Besides, you’re the one that befriended me.”

“As I recall all I had to do was this.” “Dina slipped her arm into Ellie’s. “And you had no choice.”

“Ah, so. I was the original hostage. I never had a chance.” Dina shoved the side of her face playfully, cold bits of snow clung to her glove. Startled, Ellie slipped on a patch of packed snow nearly taking them both down. Dina clung to her arm to keep herself upright, a bark of laughter escaping her lips. Ellie’s stomach twisted, Dina’s whole face had lit up like she reached into the sky and pulled down the moon. Ellie suddenly craved in a way she knows she can’t have, fixing her eyes ahead, she can feel the burn of Dina watching her along the side of her face. Dina wrapped herself tighter around Ellie’s arm as they pass under the street lights.

They walk like that arm and arm in the cold Jackson night. The light crunch of snow the only sound they can hear, for a moment it feels like everyone in Jackson has vanished, leaving the world just for them.

By the time they’ve reached Dina’s place the magic of the evening had worn off, and with it all the feelings she had before they escaped came rushing back. Dina released her arm as they separated, uncertainty smashing through Ellie’s happiness like a brick through a car’s window.

“I guess this is your stop. I’m sorry again I kinda ruined your plans.” Ellie swallowed. Eyes cast to the sky, too afraid to look at Dina and see disappointment there. The clouds blocked out the night sky. The tendrils of her own breath drifted upwards, she couldn’t help feeling like it was her soul escaping to return to the universe instead of having to face whatever admonishment she received.

“Hey, I had a good time. Any night I get to destroy you in a snow fight is a good time.”

“Yeah. Yeah. Keep gloating.” Ellie glanced down to the small red painted wooden sled that sat on the edge of the yard, tapping her hands against her thighs. Her shoulders slumped, a little bit of sadness returning to her. All good things had to end eventually and she was grateful she got this. “I’ll get out of your hair now.”

“Ellie. You made up for it. I had fun tonight. I’m really sorry about him by the way. When you left. I drank a lot, thinking you were dead. I said some things in anger, I was in so much pain.” Ellie nodded. That made sense. She only had glimpses into the amount of hurt she had caused.

“You don’t owe me an explanation, Dina.”

“Sergei he was the last friend I had when I got back.” Dina pressed on. “At least, that’s what I thought. Oh man I’m gonna have to get a new shift partner. It’s probably gonna be Simon.” She placed her hand on the side of her face as she groaned.

“I don’t give a fuck about him. I’m the one who should be sorry.” Ellie met Dina’s gaze, her voice watery. “For so much. I don’t wanna fuck your life up any more than I already have.” Dina searched Ellie’s face. Her brow crinkled as a quiet melancholy settled there.

“No Ellie. That’s so far from the truth. All you have to do is stay, stay and figure out your shit while I figure out mine. You didn’t fuck tonight up for me.” Dina smiled softly. “You surprised me tonight. You didn’t fight him.”

Ellie scratched at a spot behind her ear. “I don’t wanna be that person all the time. I don’t wanna fight everyone cause all I do is fight myself.” She thought about how she had stormed out, angry and upset, leaving Maria alone. It was so tiring. “Pretty sure that’s how I fucked things up with Maria tonight.” Ellie admitted. “That’s why I was even out drinking… she wants me to talk about stuff, but if I do that I might not be able to stop thinking about it and… ” Dina put a comforting hand on Ellie's shoulder, pulling her from the downward spiral she was throwing herself into.

“I think that would be good for you Ellie. When I came back Maria took me in for a couple of weeks, helped with JJ. Helped with,” Dina chewed on her lip. “things I couldn’t handle on my own. I’m fucking strong Ellie. I know that.” Dina firmed. “But I let her help me because strength is not only about being strong its about letting others help you when you need it.”

“You’re the strongest person I know.” Ellie asserted. She’d never think otherwise for a second. Spreading that truth was a fight she’d never give up. She pinched at her lips. “I don’t want to fail anyone.

“Ellie. You aren’t failing so long as you’re trying.”

It was such a simple statement, Ellie never functioned that way. Every day she spent clawing and scraping her way towards making it to the end, trying wasn’t an option. You either did it or you fucking died. Maybe there was some merit to be found in trying.

“You’re probably right,” Ellie tapped her hands together, looking over towards the house where her Potato was sleeping. If trying was worth anything to Dina, it was cause of him. “Like always.” She ended.

“I was thinking.” Dina offered cautiously. Ellie eyed her curiously. “I wouldn’t mind seeing you around town more.” Ellie’s brows shot up, her eyes darting over Dina’s face, not wanting to get her hopes up. Dina’s cheeks were flushed from the cold, her hair had fallen out of its braid and she pushed it behind her ear, the glint of a smile that crinkled the corners of her eyes, which shown brightly, never leaving Ellie’s face. “Ya know, if you’re up for it.” Ellie wanted that more than anything, and yet she continued pulling at straws to find a reason she didn’t deserve it.

“You sure, Dina? You don’t wanna wait until morning.” “Ellie wrung her hands. “So you don’t do something you might regret. Dina’s eyes went wide, her shoulders shaking with silent mirth.

“Ellie.” Dina softly admonished. “I had a single whiskey over an hour ago, an hour I spent hanging out with you mind you. I know what I want.”

Ellie stilled her hands at the rush of affection zipping straight from her toes up into her face. She was certain her dopey grin could power half of fucking Jackson right now if some one could figure out a way to convert the energy.

“I’d like that.”

“Okay good.” Dina smiled. “I’d still prefer it if you wouldn’t show up unannounced, and I think you keeping the same dinner schedule with Cedric and Robin would be good for them and JJ. At least for now.”

Ellie nearly cracked her neck with the force of her nod. “If that’s what you want. You got it. Do my notes have to be just about JJ or can I finally tell you about how much I hate farm rotation?”

“Ugh. God no.” Dina gagged. “I don’t have time to read that novel.” They both stilled and Dina leaned towards her with a soft look. Ellie didn’t know what the protocol for a goodbye with someone you promised space to and held out her left hand.

“High three?” Dina rolled her eyes but didn’t leave Ellie hanging. Dina took Ellie's hand and placed it over her own shoulder before she wrapped her arms around Ellie’s center. Awkwardly, she returned the hug.

“You can hug me goodbye you goober.” Dina whispered dangerously close to the shell of Ellie’s ear. Ellie grew hot all over again, pushing herself away gently, refusing to return Dina’s gaze, knowing how damn smug she would be. Ellie kicked at the snowy ground with her sneaker.

“Uh Give JJ a kiss for me.”

“I will if you tell Maria JJ and I say hi. Guess I’ll see ya round town.” Dina walked up the steps, opened the door and waved as she shut it before turning the light off, covering Ellie in darkness. With her source of light gone, Ellie sighed. If she could do half the shit Dina had managed, she might end up okay. There was one thing she needed to do and she had no time to waste doing it. Ellie hauled ass towards Maria’s house. Hopefully she could make things right.

\------ ------ ------

The light was still on outside, Ellie took it as a good sign. She took the stairs two at a time and rapped her knuckles on the door. Seconds passed and slowly Maria opened the door, a tumbler of whiskey in her hand. Her eyes were red and hair had some volume that wasn’t normal for her, like she had been running her hands through it. Maria released a breath, her shoulders loosing some of their tension, her expression closed up. Ellie felt guilty for actually having an okay night.

“Can I come in?” Ellie braced herself to be sent to the barracks.

“Ellie.” She shook her head in disbelief. “Of course you can come in, this is your home.” Maria moved aside for Ellie to enter, head ducked low as she took off her sneakers and outer layers. Her socks were soaked through and her skin buzzed as her feet warmed up. Maria flipped the switch for the outside light off and waved a hand over her shoulder for Ellie to follow. They passed through the dining room, where Ellie’s meal sat wrapped up, a tumbler of whiskey and a glass of water left out with it. Her gut twisted up like someone had reached in and rung it out like a rag.

“I didn’t know when you’d calm down enough to come back,” Maria motioned towards the food. “So I left your dinner out. You must be hungry. Bring it out to the living room, we need to have a talk.”

“We do, I’m sorry about earlier. You have your reasons for not wanting me on patrol and I need to respect that.” Ellie licked her lips. “Respect you.”

Maria sat on the floral couch and Ellie took the worn wicker chair that sat across from her. If she was going to be uncomfortable, might as well go all the fucking way. Maria rested her forearms on her thighs, holding her drink in both hands.

“Ellie, I don’t know how to help you, I’m trying my best. You have to want to help yourself too. You’ve been doing so well with the new job, eating. Hell, Cedric updates me almost every time you visit JJ. It’s all positive. But I know you ain’t sleeping. I know you’re struggling with something. And I’m wondering if the reason is because you’ve avoided talking about some shit for a long time?”

Ellie considered that as she unwrapped her meal, pot roast and mushroom grits. She’d told Maria she loved the meal once and Maria had made it more frequent in their lunch rotation. Her brows furrowed as she stared at the coagulated mess of roast and grits. Trying to glean any answers. She’d felt better after talking to Cat. Dina’s words about strength echoed in her head.

“I think you’re right, Maria. I’m just afraid if I start I won’t be able to stop thinking about what’s happened to me. I don’t wanna keep thinking about it.”

“Talking about it gets it out. Just like writing, except you actually have someone who can help you.” Maria took a sip of her whiskey, a tear slipped down her cheek. Maria held herself so well, always firm, exuding strength. In the low lamplight she looked twenty years older. Tired. It was always so easy to forget that the strong put-together leader of Jackson was still painfully human. She covered her forehead with her hand. A low, uneven breath shook her frame. “Ellie, please work with me. I can’t lose you too.”

Ellie had never heard Maria sound so broken in her life. Not when her father passed shortly after her and Joel arrived in Jackson, or when Joel died… Joel. She still had conflicting feelings about everything that had happened. After her trek in the woods it had been easier to get over his death. Ultimately, the Joel she talked to was a hallucination conjured up by her starved brain to accept they never got a resolution. There was no real closure except to live. Trying to fit in to this kind of life? If she thought too much on his choice she’d get upset at the fact that he took away a chance for her life to matter and the more she tried to let go of that the more all the other fucking trauma she had shoved to the back of her mind would come rushing back out, like the rains after a drought filling the lakes to overflow. It was bits and pieces over time. Like droplets. A drop here and there went unnoticed, it was much harder to ignore thousands.

“Things are bad but you need people,” She’d told Joel that once, when they first met. David had stripped her of that belief. He took so much from her. That was something she’d unpack later, she didn’t want him to tarnish this night anymore than he already had. Ellie put her plate down on the coffee table, shifted herself over to a spot on the couch next to Maria.

“Maria, I’m not ready to tell you what Joel did. We’ll need more whiskey for that. He made a choice for me that I’m struggling to accept. That’s why I lost it. In my head I’ve been doing well, cause I can get up and go to work, eat, I made a friend. To me it seemed like I wasn’t being allowed to make my own choices. The truth is I’ve been doing the same shit I’ve always done. I’m gonna try so my life doesn’t end up in pieces.”

“I put away the guitar. It’s broken.”

“Its alright. Ellie’s face pinched up, it wasn’t but she’d have to deal with her actions. “I kinda just brought it along cause I thought I had let go of Joel. I wanted to take that guitar and make it something on my own, but it holds too many memories.”

“Well I’ll see if someone around here can fix it. It’s a nice model.” Maria took a sip of whiskey. “Be a shame to see it collect dust.” Ellie gave a halfhearted nod. She’d figure it out when she had the capacity to. Right now she had something more important to fix.

“I don’t wanna lose you either.” Ellie sniffed, wiped her cheek on her shoulder, took a deep breath and held out her left hand. In the lighting it almost appeared cleanly healed, you couldn’t see the deep pink ridges of scar tissue so easily. Ellie hated the way the scar tissue raised up because she hadn’t received proper medical attention. The fingers would always be a reminder of what she pushed herself to. They didn’t have to be she reasoned. They could be a reminder of what she turned away from. What she gave up to come back.

“Abby bit my fingers off. Well one of them crushed the other. Tore off some skin, I uh… did the hack job.”

“Can’t say that is what I expected.” Maria admitted, confusion crossed her face. “How the hell did they get in her mouth?”

“Because I put them in her mouth… not on purpose. I … I did try to kill her.” Maria moved to speak and Ellie cut her off. If she didn’t tell her everything now, she’d never get it out. She grew fearful of stopping just after she had started. “That’s the fucked up part. The part I’m so scared to admit. Slavers caught her. I found their camp, killed as many as I could, when I got there she was nearly dead. She was hung up on these pillars, her and the kid she was with. I cut her down. She’d lost so much weight. I didn’t even want to… I thought about what she did.” Ellie’s heart burned like it did that day, reliving the pain of her promise. “I wanted to keep my promise and make her pay. I put my knife to that kids throat. Made her fight me. Then I thought about Joel. The last time we talked before he died, I was gonna try to forgive him. For the choice he made. I never got the chance to. Thinking about him like that, how he wouldn’t want me to lose myself...It stopped me and I don’t think I’ll ever see her again. “

“I’m not gonna put you on patrol, but maybe we can figure out a compromise down the road. Please understand I have a community to look after. I don’t make decisions based on individuals, I have to think of what’s good for the town.”

“I don’t wanna see her again.” Ellie deflated. Her anger brought nothing but more heartbreak. If it started with her it had to end with her.

They sat in silence next to each other. Shoulders touching, neither knowing what sort of comfort to offer the other. The grandfather clock in the corner ticked away the seconds between them. Maria moved first, placing a hand on Ellie’s shoulder.

“Ellie thank you for trusting me with this. We might not be related by blood, but you’re my family.”

Ellie can’t find the right words. Her throat tight, she croaks out the only thing she can think to say in the moment.

“Dina and JJ say hello by the way.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone who has commented and given this story kudos, had a rough week. Seeing that small act of kindness made my life a bit more bearable. Y'all are wonderful, thanks for keepin' me goin'!
> 
> As always, no beta, no grammatical rules, many apologies. Editing will happen one day, I swear!
> 
> Next up: JJ turns one and the thaw begins!


	6. Girl, Be My Fairy To The World, Be My Very Own Constellation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Determined, Ellie looks to inner and outer sources to help her heal.
> 
> JJ turns one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, ya'll thank you for reading so far! 
> 
> I apologize for being late with the next chapter, had some of my own mental health issues to deal with so I took some time for myself to play through tlou again. 
> 
> I really appreciate the kind comments and kudos. Makes me feel better when I am down. Since I was late, here is two chapters for the price of one!
> 
> As always no beta, no rules, if there are any glaring mistakes I only have myself to blame!
> 
> Enjoy!

Since the night Ellie first opened up to Maria she sought out more information on mental health. They went to the library, found more information, Maria asked around if anyone had any expertise in this kind of thing. The closest to a therapist Jackson had was a woman who worked on some sort of hot line before the outbreak. Not that it mattered. The woman died on patrol months ago. Hunter raid. Ellie expected as much, so much of her life was trying to make her own way in the dark. Even in Military Prep you were on your own. The world they lived in didn’t offer much in the way of proper therapy so together they cobbled together the closest approximation the could make. The process wasn’t going to be easy. It involved a lot more talking than she was used to. Ellie clung to the idea that if she could heal enough she could have more to offer than the scraps. Adapting the world so she could endure and survive another day. It wasn’t ideal, in this world, that word lost all meaning a long time ago.

Instead she began to hollow herself out, removing all the rot that had formed over the years. The house was crumbling and together they tried to build a new foundation. Getting it all out there felt like she’d transformed into a tub of trauma. Pulling the plug she watched as parts of her swirled around the drain before disappearing out. Never able to take things slowly, she always threw herself off cliffs, simply to dash herself across the rocks below. Maria was there to slow her down, made her focus on one thing at a time. There wasn’t enough whiskey in the world to tackle what she’d been through all at once.

Ellie couldn’t bring up what happened in the woods. The noose had lifted off her neck, some mornings she’d awake sweaty and frantic, the rope hadn’t snapped in time. When asked she admitted the feelings she had of wanting to die, they weren’t as strong as before. They made a safety plan she could follow if those dark thoughts returned.

She talked mostly about what happened with Abby and Joel, sitting with the inevitability that one day she’d have to face the shadows that lurked under the surface of those waters; eventual discussions, of Riley, David, the millions of lives spared for hers, all the shit she had faced with Joel between Riley and David. Dreading the inevitable day where she would crack her ribs and offer herself up to crack her ribs open and offer up the truth of the atrocities she committed in Seattle. If Dina ever gave her the chance, she’d have to talk about the guilt that led her to make the choice to leave.

Maria did her best and in two weeks they had made a lot of progress. Ellie decided it would be easier to talk to someone who knew her secret, someone she already trusted. A big part of why she struggled was because she had lost her light, her purpose, which was tied to the lie Joel hid from her for years, hidden underneath the moth and ferns stretched long around her forearm. Tied to the last moment she’d let Joel ever touch her, the last moment she trusted him. Letting her live only killed more people. Millions of lives rested on her immunity and now, no one fucking was saved, not a single soul. Not even her. The guilt of what transpired became hers to bare alone. For a year it ate away at her like ants on a carcass.

Ellie read Joel’s book in a day when Maria finished. The subjects weren’t easy to tackle, the world before the outbreak carried a weight all to common in its current iteration; rape, violence, manipulative fuckers. At its core Ellie supposed, human nature to harm and be harmed. The more she read on the more the narrative changed, you could harm and hurt others, with hard work you could love and be loved. The former easier than the latter. Loving required empathy, internal changes, acceptance. Things she’d struggled with since Riley. Ellie ended up admitting Joel’s attempts to help from the sideline wasn’t as dumb as she thought.

Ellie found a second book stuffed behind one of his books about space. It was talking to your kid about trauma. Similarly to the other book this one had notes in it as well. She imagined him sitting with his reading glasses falling down his nose as he scribbled ideas on how to make her feel safe. Investing most of his time the first couple of years they were in Jackson into her without overstepping. Tearfully, she realized Joel had been trying. Trying to get her to open up and help her heal.

The dinosaur books. The space books. The movie nights where he’d ask her about how she was doing and tell her how proud he was of her. Practically breaking her door down when he overheard her having a flashback to Colorado one morning when he was putting out compost. The breathing techniques. Fucking pamphlet, he found a whole damn book. He had been trying for her. This book had more notes than the other one. Notes on how he could be better. He spent time in secret trying to redeem himself in her eyes. She was his reason to fight.

Yet, he lied. Everything he did was predicated on the fact that when she gave him the chance to be honest with her he kept building his lie. It festered underneath her skin, made her trust him less and less. Each time they ventured out and stumbled across anti firefly propaganda, the cracks in the foundation grew until it became a chasm they couldn’t traverse. She wondered if he had told her what had happened the day they arrived in Jackson, if she could have forgiven him sooner.

Joel had stopped writing notes in the margins two thirds of the way through. The last note he wrote, messily scratched in with black ink, not as carefully as the other notes. It seemed as though a drunken hand had taken pen to paper, barely legible, she managed to figure it out, “She ain’t gonna need you anymore.”

After that the margins were painfully blank. Ellie started her own set of notes there. Kept her thoughts in a new journal. That was the day she started with, the day the notes stopped. There was only one reason Joel would stop trying. The day she learned that her life meant nothing. It couldn’t mean anything, because Joel had killed the only person alive who could have used her to save the world.

The eighteen hours she put between herself and Joel, where she left him at St. Mary’s, were a complete blank to her. Her hurt so immense she couldn’t even return to Jackson with him that day. Pushing Shimmer and herself to the limits in her attempt to get away from that hospital. From the lies. Arriving almost a day earlier than him, she ran to her apartment and fixed the lock that they never bothered to replace, the trust there was gone. All she could think of was to force a boundary on to him.

How coldly she had treated him over his choice. Joel killed humanity’s last chance at a vaccine because he couldn’t let her die. She understood finally, why she let Abby go. It was the same selfish reason Joel had killed all those Fireflies; they had taken different routes to get to the same place. She couldn’t let go of him, just as much as he couldn’t let go of her. If he lost her he’d lose himself. She’d almost lost herself entirely. If she couldn’t forgive him could she forgive herself?

“Can I ask you something? Why didn’t you kill her?” Maria inquired during one of their talks.

“Because.” Ellie poked at a hole in her shoe, the tip of her finger brushing her sock against her little toe. Why had she done half the things she did? Joel’s battered face swam in her vision for the first time in weeks. She tightened her eyes, mouth in a deep frown. This question she knew the answer to. “It wouldn’t have brought him back.” Spoken so quietly it might not have even been said. Killing Abby wouldn’t stop the scent of iron that filled the room whenever it got too dark. It wouldn’t stop her from trying to figure out if his lips had twitched or if he actually tried to say something before his body went still.

Going through with killing Abby would have cost Ellie whatever bit of herself was still alive. No amount of death can bring someone back. It didn’t bring Riley back. Joel wouldn’t have been an exception. Sweat formed at the nape of her neck and her hands went clammy. Ellie rubbed them against her jeans. She sat up and poured a small amount of whiskey into her own glass. Sipping at it slowly. It helped her nerves. She never got drunk during their talks, just enough to hurt less. “It was the only choice I could make myself.”

\--- --- --- ---

Her next revelation came a few nights later, during their movie night. Ellie had picked what looked like a cool action movie about vampires zombies. However, it ended up being about some military virologist trying to find a cure for a mutant virus. He was the only one immune in a world ravaged by illness. Morbid curiosity about how her current predicament was seen through much more naive eyes. In the end he gave a vial of immune blood to the only other humans survivors, hoping they’d get it into the right hands before he killed himself and all the mutants in the room. It was fucking stupid.

Ellie stopped watching the credits, focused on Maria’s profile. She held her tumbler of whiskey over the arm of the couch where she had reclined to watch the movie. Ellie sprawled out next to her on the floor her hands over her head, the grain of the wood cool where it touched along her forearms. Her left hand still had a section that was numb, she wasn’t sure if she’d regain any feeling there. The movie confused her, the whole situation with the Fireflies confused her. All the energy she spent convincing herself she mattered needled at the back of her mind.

“Maria, what would you have done?” The question hung in the air as Maria processed it.

“Well I for one wouldn’t have ended the movie on that bullshit.” Maria commented sardonically, taking a sip of her drink. “I swear I remember a different ending. Pretty sure he lived and went off with those two to find more survivors.”

“No. Not the movie, if you found out they were gonna kill me for a cure.” Maria frowned. Pulling her legs down off the couch to let Ellie stand and sit down next to her. A muscle in her jaw twitched. Her whole demeanor grew uncertain. Ellie clenched her fist as a tremor shook it. “I need to hear this.”

“Can’t say I’d have done otherwise. Though I can see why his choice would upset you though.” Maria admitted, placing her glass on the table. She faced Ellie. “You had a great amount of pressure placed on your shoulders at a young age. To have someone else take that away from you… must be hard.”

“I just wanted to have my life mean something. All I’ve brought is death. If he let me die there it wouldn’t have been for nothing.” Ellie curled up on her end of the couch, gripped at the fabric of her jeans setting her jaw so she wouldn’t start to cry. She was raw enough already.

“You are immune, they’ve never had to to deal with making a vaccine for this specific infection. Pre-outbreak there would have been trials and testing, having one known person alive with immunity? You’d get a second opinion.” Maria huffed out a humorless laugh gesturing to the TV, her eyes followed the screensaver bouncing around the screen. “It’s not some fucking movie where it all works out in the end. Immunity is no good to humanity if you’re dead. You rarely get anything right the first time around. Cutting you open would have been the stupidest thing they ever did.

“How do you know that.” Ellie lashed out. She felt hot and angry. Maria turned to her, checking in with a look, Ellie tipped her chin urging her to continue. She had to see this through to it’s end.

“My brother was a virologist. Spent ten years of his life learning about viruses, how to isolate them, how they spread, how to prevent infection. CBI was something no one knew anything about. He probably died in some lab with no answers. So when I say I’d have done the same, I’d have taken out every last one of those idiots. They waited twenty years for a cure, they could have waited twenty more. I don’t think anyone understood what the fuck they were doing.”

“So my life wouldn’t have mattered.”Ellie crossed her arms, made herself smaller. Maria reached over and put a hand on her bicep. Her face achingly tender for someone who spent her days appearing so hardened. She wasn’t the leader of Jackson, she was family.

“Ellie, you do matter. To Jackson, to _me_ , to Dina, to that little potato you’re raising. He’s got his Mom back. You are gonna matter more to him than anyone else in this world. I’m not saying that you don’t matter. They didn’t know what they were dealing with, no one does. Once you had died, they have to stand there empty handed dealing with the fact that they murdered the last chance humanity had. That wouldn’t matter to me and it didn’t matter to Joel. You were the only thing that did.”

 _If the lord gave me a second chance. I’d do it all over again._ At the end, Joel hadn’t swayed from that. He stared, gaze unwavering into her eyes and told her that truth with more conviction than she’d ever seen. It wasn’t his choice to make but he made it because he loved her. Ellie could understand that, the truth still hurt, he had spent so much time hiding it from her, and then he died because he wanted her to live. He wanted her to have a life. Wanted her to find her own meaning.

The life she had with JJ and Dina. The life she gave up because she let herself believe that the only way she’d ever be worthy of them would required her to pick her bones clean of everything wrong she’d done to get there. Let herself corrode away before she could infect them with her sickness. She never wanted either of them to have to face the horrors she had brought in with her. Especially not JJ. Unbidden her mind went down a path she had never explored. What if it had been JJ in her place… she’d burn the whole fucking place down without a second thought to get him out.

“Oh fuck.” Ellie put her hands to her head, then to her chest, rocketing up out of her seat. Her mind reeled, and she steadied herself with a few deep breaths. She had never considered what she would do in Joel’s shoes. Consumed by hurt.

The emotions she felt were hard to pinpoint, she’d spent this whole week learning how to grasp on and let herself feel, it was too much at once. Maria’s voice cut through her fervor. Ellie snapped her head to stare at Maria’s mouth, she saw it moving, but she couldn’t hear what she said over the ringing in her ears. “What did you say?”

“I asked you how you’re feeling about this.”

“Too much, nothing. I feel like I’m two seconds away from being okay or crying.” Ellie managed.

“What do you think you need right now?” It was a simple question. Maria had been asking it more often.

“I need to visit Joel.”

\--- --- --- --- ---

Ellie was pretty sure her ass had fallen off it was so cold out, bundled up with twice as many layers as usual. The cemetery lights were off for the night, Ellie stretched out in the darkness. Her head at the foot of Joel’s grave, left hand tucked up under her head as she stared up into the night sky. She found herself here almost every night since she started talking about Santa Barbara. The winter night was clear and moonless. The stars scintillated above her, twinkling as turbulence in the Earth’s atmosphere caused the starlight to bend. After a few moments of deep inspection she found the patch of sky near Cassiopeia with an abnormally fuzzy star that she had to convince Joel was actually the Andromeda galaxy. He ate his words when they found an abandoned house with a telescope in it.

Her right hand moved a flat piece of wood she had carved down to look like Apollo 11’s command module, across the background of the night sky. She ended up having to paint it to to get it close enough to resemble the module, the lump that represented the hatch was in the right spot and therefore, she was fucking proud of it. It was the first real thing she finished whittling after months of trying to teach herself. She had tried whittling a hamsa for Dina to disastrous effects. More blood than wood at one point. If Talia ever saw what she had tried to make she’d most likely follow through on her promise to hurt her.

“Bwwwwoooossssh!” Ellie made a reentry noise as she reached over her head slowly lowering the module and placed the gift onto Joel’s grave. “Houston we are at 1500 feet, 300 feet, and splashdown!” Her mouth twitched into a small smirk. She wriggled, settling into a more comfortable position as she brought her hand to her stomach to watch the stars.

She had come from leaving a backpack full of toys, some she made others she found, for JJ. Throwing in a few gifts for Dina, Robin, and Cedric. Mostly attempted whittling creations, one painting of Cedric and Robin sitting on the old couch at the farm, holding JJ between them. She had sketched the moment out when it happened. She never got around to finishing it, revenge was a long detour.

Hanukkah must be soon, Ellie guessed. The date last year was around mid December, she had to assume this year was the same. When she dropped off the toys at Jesse’s folks she hadn’t seen the menorah in the window, so she was probably a week early. She hadn’t asked Dina the few times she saw her around town. Too distracted by the quirk of her lips or the way her face would brighten when Ellie got her attention. Mostly little waves and salutes in passing. They’d exchanged minor pleasantries when they bumped into each other at the market, or at the diner, asking about JJ or how things were at work. She reckoned it would be alright to leave her one gift. She didn’t know where the line for Dina was, she hoped she hadn’t crossed it by making her something. When she had made stuff for everyone else it made sense to throw something in there for her. It wasn’t much and she could easily take it back. At least Joel didn’t have a choice whether or not her gift was a shit idea.

“Hey, Joel. Those books did actually help. I uh, I’ve been talking with Maria.” Addressing his grave like he was there, she scratched at her eyebrow before relaxing. This felt stupid sometimes, but it was a good way to get it out made it easier to pretend he was listening. “We uh, we talked about Salt Lake. I have a long way before I can accept what happened. I uh, I at least understand why you did it.”

She still couldn’t forgive the choice that tore them apart. She had only recently begun to reconcile what brought them back together. The real shot at forgiveness had been bashed away. Coming to terms with what she went through on the beach... at least she could remember his face now. Draw it with ease compared to the nights she’d stay up till dawn, blacking out his eyes, drawing them over and over, covering them until she had a swarm of moths scrawled out along the edges of her journal.

The more she let go of, the clearer he’d become over time. The third night after her first talk with Maria, she completed a drawing of his face. Overwhelmed with emotion, she cried. The ink blossomed out on the page where the tears that dripped off her chin absorbed into the paper. That was the first day she felt like she was on the path to living. Trying to shove it all down only made it worse in the end. Her skin hurt a little less when she thought about him.

How many times had she relived that moment? Forced herself to keep it inside when every time she closed her eyes too long she’d find herself with her face shoved against the cold floor of the lodge; forced to watch the man who raised her guide her though one final horrific reminder of the kind of world they lived in. Joel spared no last words to the group of people who wanted him dead. He only had words for Ellie. Words that didn’t need to be spoken, Joel told her everything she needed using the last bit of his strength to with Ellie there on that floor that haunted her. A final “I got you, baby girl.” before her world had become muted and she committed every face in the room to memory. His face was the last thing she saw before a boot in the face burned his decimated visage onto the back of her eyes like a negative image on an old spool of film.

“I uh, feel like you took a part of me I’ll never get back. I spent so much time making my life about saving humanity after I spent so long waiting to die. I’m still waiting, I can’t shake the feeling I’m on borrowed time.” Ellie followed the tendrils of smoke she could make out from the chimney of Joel’s house, hidden somewhere behind the row of houses next to the cemetery. Watched as the huffs of her own breath faded into it from her position on the ground. New life from the old. “How do you get used to this, Joel?”

No answers came from the white stone.

“Stony disposition as ever I see.”

\--- --- --- --- ---

Two days later Ellie stood on the land she had spent a month clearing out with Maria. She had woken up to gentle knocking on her door. Maria’s voice muffled by the door between them, asking if she was up to join her on her morning rounds. Ellie had the day off from maintenance and no plans for herself other than to play video games with Barry around dinner. Fuck it, a walk sounded nice. Ellie dressed and followed Maria around Jackson, Maria stopping here and there to check in with residents as they made their way down a familiar pathway she had trekked every day for worth. Ellie thought nothing of it until a vehicle that sat on the outskirts for the last two weeks came into view.

“Whoa, Maria where did this come from?”

Parked in the corner was a new RV, well new as in it was still standing. The outside was beige dirtied from years of weathering the elements. Most of the wood trim had fallen off, aluminum sheeting covered up the gaps. Rust coated the hitch, the metal legs that propped up the whole trailer had mostly been spared a few patches on the green paint. The windows all had their curtains, except for the long thin one at the front.

“You mentioned wanting your own space the other night when we were talking about control over our situations. I’m asking you if you wanna live in the RV I had the boys fix up? Have your own space.” Maria voice took on a teasing lilt, lightly placing her hand on Ellie’s back. “Unless you wanna live with me forever?”

“Fuck, no.” Ellie joked, she stood up and hugged Maria tightly. She’d loved being at Maria’s but the guest room still didn’t feel like her place. She felt safe, but she needed the space to be hers. Living in the farmhouse had been difficult at times, yet it forced her to face the parts of herself she thought she’d never handle.

“Pretty fuckin’ sweet, right?”

“Yeah, pretty fuckin’ sweet.” Ellie walked around the exterior. An unexpected giddiness filling her. There was a spot on the hitch for propane tanks, however, it was hooked up to a gray electrical hookup box, several similar boxes posted around the plot of land. She’d have neighbors soon by the looks of it.

Ellie figured she could wrangle a few barrels away from the green house for water collection. Her mind already planning out what she was going to do with it. Ellie felt herself getting a little choked up, realizing she required a sense of autonomy to heal.

The RV looked cramped compared to her old place and Ellie was surprised at how deceivingly spacious the interior was. It was mostly furnished with the basic creature comforts that had been commonly found in the model pre-outbreak, Maria explained to Ellie as they entered. She gestured to the right which was mostly empty save for a few overhead compartments.

“This area up front was picked clean when we found it so it’s whatever you want it to be.” She waved to each little section as she proudly explained everything with a smile on her face. Ellie’s good mood influencing her own, she seemed years younger. “Here is the bathroom, hope you can shit and shower at the same time. To your left you got your kitchen, here across from your living room. This couch can flip into a bed or an extra seat and if you pull on this.” She pulled out a slat of wood from the wall, two legs dropping down to support it. “You got your kitchen table. Just past the sink you got some storage. Your bed is past that curtain there. I had them install a wood stove since somebody stripped out the original one. This thing even came with solar panels on the roof, though the battery is fried. Might get lucky and scavenge what you need.” Maria made her way towards the back of the trailer, held her bicep in her opposite hand as she paused in front of a storage door. Hesitantly, she opened it. A brown leather guitar case sat there.

“Maria, I told you I was okay about Joel’s guitar.” Ellie cautioned. She couldn’t play his guitar.

“Uh, this is actually a gift from Gus.” Maria leaned back onto the bed letting Ellie pull the case out. “He mentioned that you helped him with some stuff around his house. Mentioned you told him you wanted to play again at some point.”

It was true, she ached to play. She mentioned that to Gus weeks ago, after doing his house work for a few days to help him out after he hurt his back after a hard fall. Gus offered to restring one of his guitars for her on the spot. She had declined telling him he didn’t have to do that for her. He had jovially told her he would pay her back another way then.

She sat down on the couch and set the case on the floor at her feet. The case hasps snapped back against the body of the case as she unlatched them. Ellie gasped when she lifted the lid, her mouth going slack as she tried to process the beautiful white dreadnought styled guitar.

“Holy shit, Gus.” She ran her hands over the strings. The fret board was completely black save for the pearlescent white, diamond shaped position markers between each fret. On the body laid a tortoiseshell picking board. One that was flipped completely from a normal guitar. The whole damn guitar was flipped, for left-handed players. He hadn’t restrung a guitar for her. He had found her a whole fucking new guitar for her to play. She gaped at Maria. “Where?”

“I dunno where that man gets half the instruments he has.” Maria ran her hand through her hair with a little shrug. “Said this one was nice to look at, but it wouldn’t get played at his place.”

“I can’t accept this.” The smooth wood of the body had been cleaned and waxed recently, picking up the shadowed outline of her hand the closer she brought it towards the guitar.

“Ellie, he wants you to have it. Wanted me to tell you whenever you’re ready he’d love to play with you sometime.”

Ellie removed the guitar, flipping it so her right hand held the fret board. She formed a C chord, it was a little awkward to get the right finger placement at first, it didn’t matter because when she strummed the strings with the thumb of her left hand, the note sung true. She readjusted her hand to the next chord she knew by heart, and strummed again. Repeating the process over until, little by little, Joel’s song came out. It wasn’t perfect, but she could still play. She’d find a new way to honor her memories, untainted by the guilt she’d lacquered the wood of her old guitar with. Ellie rubbed her nose against her shoulder, relieved in knowing she could keep her own promise she made to JJ at sundown.

She carefully put the guitar back in its case, the hasps clicked shut and she placed the guitar over in the empty space at the front. Using the cover over her, she turned back to swipe her forefinger and thumb at moisture that collected in the corner of her eyes.

Maria unzipped her jacket a little and pulled the items she had hidden there. She held them out to Ellie with a secretive smile that went all the way to the gleam in her eyes.

“I got you a house warming gift.”

“Is it a heater?”

“I get it, Ellie. You are very funny.” Maria shook her head at her niece's antics. Handing over two flat, square packages wrapped in butchers paper and closed with twine.

“Ooh, is it more bigot sandwiches?” Maria pulled them back against her chest.

“Well do you want them or not?”

Ellie snatched them out of Maria's grasp. Eagerly tearing open the top gift, she balled the paper in her right hand before lobbing the ball at Maria who effortlessly batted it away from her face. Ellie held a black picture frame. She flipped the frame over to see the photo, the smart retort she had prepared caught in her throat. It was a drawing, her drawing of a sleeping Dina, JJ on his back next to her, and the faint line work of a blanket covering them both. The drawing was from her notebook, it was the first thing she drew when she was living alone in the farmhouse. She spent the night trying to remember what the empty spot next to her in bed had looked like with Dina and her Potato in it.

In a spiral of self hatred, believing she hadn’t deserved to see them, she’d torn it out of her journal the night after she had first visited JJ and Dina. She had drank until couldn't recall what she did with it.

“How?”

“You gave it to me when you were drunk, told me to keep it safe.”

Ellie’s eyes glistened as she tucked it under her arm and unwrapped the second gift with just as much ferocity as the first. It was another frame, this one painted a deep wine red, some of the paint pealing already. Curiously turning it over in her hands, Ellie sharply inhaled when she saw what photo was in the frame. The photo itself she hadn’t seen in almost four years. Maria watched her face carefully.

“Do you like it?”

“How do you even have this?” Her voice hitched, there was only one copy of this photo. Ellie traced her fingertips reverently over the photo in her hands. The photo was of her, Dina, and Jesse after they returned from their first group patrol together. The three of them covered in Clicker blood. Ellie and Jesse each shaking a hand out with a pained expression on their face. Jesse’s gun dangling in the crook of his elbow. Dina doubled over in laughter beside them. Ellie could almost feel the sting of their high five. How the force of it knocked Jesse’s gun off his shoulder. Team motherfuckin’ Jackson.

When Dina and Jesse got together for the first time, Ellie tossed the picture, frame and all, outside before she angrily threw herself into bed. Unable to cope with the feelings of jealousy that heated her face when she looked at it. Convinced she felt that way because her two best friends got together and she no longer had a place in their lives and not because she had feelings for Dina.

She spent the next morning desperately trying to figure out where she had thrown it.

At the time she told herself it was because she was losing her friends to each other, a month later they all took a new photo, just the three of them smiling at the camera. The photo that was already missing from the farm, she assumed Dina had it.

“Joel,” Maria shrugged, as if that was the most obvious answer in the world. “Must of held on to it. Tommy found it goin’ through a box of his things last year. The original glass was shattered. I was gonna bring it over to the farmhouse for your birthday.” Before Ellie’s mind could be consumed with the reality she had abandoned her family Maria added. “You can take his wood working tools with you if you’d like.” Her gentle way of giving Ellie options to heal herself with. “Whatever you need from the house.”

“Yeah.” She wiped at her nose with the back of her hand. “Yeah, I would.”

“Come here you big baby.” Maria enveloped Ellie in a warm hug.

“Thank you,” Ellie whispered into the soft flannel at Maria’s neck. “This means so much to me.”

“You still have to visit me so I can feed you.” Maria tucked Ellie's head under her chin, her hands solid and reassuring as they encircled her, like Joel’s had always been. Her voice wavered. Ellie felt a hot tear hit her forehead. “Don’t you go forgetting about me.” They separated, Maria blinking away her tears as she spared a tight grin.

“Done.” Ellie turned around, took a few steps towards the door then turned back towards Maria. “Wait, who are you are you again, I don’t think we’ve ever met?” Maria hip checked her in retaliation as she passed.

“Smart ass.”

They moved her in two hours later after a late lunch. She didn’t have many possessions. Maria gave her the books they had been reading, a few drawings she had done for Joel, an owl he had carved, filled her mini fridge and pantry with more food than Ellie knew what she’d do with. She discovered a built in surround sound system mounted into the wall next to her bed and grabbed a few cassettes and CDs of Joel’s along with the few records she took from the Farmhouse. Contemplating making a trip out to the house to grab her own CD collection as well as her comics.

Ellie filled the empty space at the front of the trailer with the broad wooden table she nabbed off a worksite, fixed up, and turned into her own art desk shortly after moving into Maria’s. Covered it with her journals and paints, a clip on desk lamp she had found on the job, the fraction of Joel’s tools she had accepted from Maria, wood scraps, and the picture of Joel she had given him as a gift. The table itself was rough and covered in pockmarks, probably better off as firewood, yet Ellie loved it all the same. Joel would tell her it had character. She had dismantled it and reassembled it all on her own, the back leg wobbled a bit; so she stuffed some scrap wood underneath and it leveled out enough to work on. Deciding she had earned the title of repair fucking master.

The first night she hardly slept. Her new bed was comfortable enough, having a place to call hers offered her a comfort that she rarely indulged in. The muted quiet around her more pleasant than the creaks of a settling house. All of that couldn’t stop her mind from telling her she wasn’t getting better, that she didn’t deserve this.

_You should have stayed with Maria._

_She wanted you gone._

When absentmindedly relearning chords didn’t help, Ellie grabbed a small block of spare pine and one of Joel’s knives. The rich brown wooden handle was wider and longer than the blade, helping with precision. She’d discovered the hard way, whittling with regular knives wasn’t the safest or smartest way to go, especially if you already were working with a limited number of fingers. The new pale white scar on her left pointer finger would always remind her of that.

Ellie picked up whittling about as fast as tree sap in January; slow as fuck. Never any good, she loved the act of it. Each block of wood stripped bit by bit until it was a smaller block of wood that kind of resembled whatever object she proclaimed it to be so long as the person she showed it to closed their eyes and imagined something better. Not unlike the process she was going through, stripping down the chunks of her life to carve out something new. One day she might learn how to do it properly. For now she was content to keep trying.

Ellie placed her current project, another birthday present for JJ down on the table and knuckled the exhaustion from her eyes. The golden blanket of sunset long faded. Replaced with the gentle white sheet of the waxing moon’s glow. Blindly, she reached over by the work lamp to where she kept her canteen and swore as she knocked over the drawing of Joel she had taken with her from Maria’s. It had been the first birthday gift she made him back when they got into Jackson.

“Shit.” She picked the frame off the floor. “Sorry old man.” The work lamp illuminated her drawing of Joel, nothing had broken. Relieved, she placed the picture back in it’s proper spot and stared at her desk which was littered with several failed attempts at making a giraffe. Joel had been undeniably talented when it came to woodworking. Even for someone who had only been at it a few years. Able to take a hunk of wood and make it look as though he had taken his subjects, shrunk them down and preserved the moment in time, not painstakingly carved a hunk of wood for weeks. Ellie wondered if that’s what had drawn Joel to wood working. To create the illusion of life.

Ellie pushed her chair back and flicked off the lamp as she stood, readying herself for bed. Hell, maybe he whittled for the same reason she did, it was something to do with a knife that wasn’t killing. Ellie stumbled her way through the darkened trailer and dropped on the edge of her bed. Trapped in a pale halo of moonlight his picture watched her from the desk. She cut it off with the scrape of the curtain across the rob, blocking the direct line of vision.

“Fuck.” The word came out closer to a sob than anything remotely syllabic. Her throat thick with all the questions she wanted to ask him.

Ellie wrapped herself tightly in the covers that night, wet eyes shut tight, breathing in and out in counts until she drifted off, accepting that she would never know his answers.

\--- --- --- ---

Ellie entered the maintenance trailer, the heat a drastic and welcome change from the bitter cold outside. The snow had stopped, but the cold was unyielding. She’d just gotten off a construction shift with a larger crew. The last supply run finally coming through with the concrete and rebar they needed to patch up a section of the wall that had been exposed after it had been damaged by Bandits a few months ago. They had placed the metal sheets they could spare to cover the outside. Maria had been stressed about the weakness, placing extra watchmen along the area walls.

“Ellie, can you come in here?” Cedric called from his office.

“Look, it was Barry’s idea to use rebar as a spear I swear it wasn’t my idea this time.” She said as she removed her gloves, tucking them into her jacket pocket.

“You used work materials to play games?” Cedric leaned on his forearm, pinching at his nose. Letting go a weary sigh she had grown to associate with him being tired of her work shenanigans.

“I have no clue what gave you that idea.” Ellie dismissed unsure if he’d actually punish her. “What did’ya need, boss?” Cedric’s whole demeanor changed as he gestured with his hand of her to come closer.

“I need you to watch JJ tonight for a few hours, alright? Robin and I, well it’s our anniversary.” His eyes gleamed with fondness for his wife. “It’s been twenty years and that number meant something even before the outbreak. Dina isn’t gonna be able to make it home in time cause some work stuff came up. We could use the cover.”

“Is she okay with this?” It was a new boundary with JJ. Ellie had been careful not to cross that. Things with Dina could be changed and repaired, but he was still getting used to seeing her once a week. Save for one week where Dina had told her she was going to be home every night. Ellie knew whatever the reason it probably was important to her and that made accepting she’d go a night without her spud a little easier. Usually she’d have Cedric and Robin there with her, consistency is what he needed. This would be the first time alone with her spud since he was three months old and Dina had rode into Jackson to get a check up.

“Her idea. I am but the humble messenger.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you be humble in my life.”

“I am the most humble man alive. I’d show you the trophy they gave me, but I told them to keep it.” Cedric deadpanned, shuffling a few papers around his desk. “Now for more important business. I got the story typed up like you requested. Robin thought it was a little weird I was askin’ about it. I couldn’t remember half the plots she made up, my memory ain’t what it used to be.” His eyes shimmered kindly. They had been conspiring to give Robin an early birthday gift to share with JJ. “Sorry for it being so late. Typewriters are not the quietest things. Convincing Robin to leave so I wouldn’t arouse suspicion, you did not make this task easy on me.” He handed over an old manila folder, Ellie took it from him reverently.

“This means so much to me. I wanna make this special for him, and for Robin. I know how much this meant to her and Jesse.” Ellie took the papers and thumbed through them. There were more pages to the story than she expected. “Oh, man. I might need a day off to get head start on drawing if I want this done by JJ’s birthday.”

“You think I’m gonna just give you a day off cause you’re trying to make a thoughtful gift for my wife and grandson?”

“I was just saying I _might_.” Ellie corrected. “I wasn’t asking or anything.”

“You are way too easy to mess with. Take two days off. You look sick to me.”

“Cedric, I’ll make it work you don’t-” He put a hand on the outside of her bicep, bringing his pointer finger to his lips with a shushing noise, effectively silencing her.

“I said you look sick to me and might need two days off to _rest._ ” Cedric emphasized with a wink.

“I feel sick and I think I need to take two days off to rest.” Ellie parroted.

“That’s the spirit.” He squeezed gently before letting go. “You are the only person I’ve worked with who never asked for a day off.”

\--- --- ---

“You put your fingers here and here and that’s a G chord…” Ellie strummed the chord for JJ who yawned and snuggled down into the bed. “Oh hey. Way to fall asleep during your lesson.” Ellie sighed, leaning her guitar against the opposite wall before scooting down to block the edge of the bed with her torso. She didn’t have a crib for him so she had taken every blanket, shirt, and pillow she owned and made a nest in the middle of the bed for him to sleep away in. It was late for him. Past eight. They had spent the evening painting together and playing with some of the less toy looking toys she had carved for him.

Reaching behind her, she drew the curtain to cut off the light from the main room. Soft streams of light spilled through the cracks along the top and sides of the curtain. Light from the street lamps filtered in from outside making it easier to see JJ. He was so big and yet, in the middle of the bed, swaddled by everything she could think to give him, he simultaneously seemed so small. It was hard to fathom he had been one whole rotation around the sun. The deep heliocentric love she felt for this tiny human being amazed her more and more as he grew. JJ the bright sun at center of her universe. She would orbit him until the day her own light faded out. He fussed a little in his sleep, and she brushed her hand across his soft hair until he quieted down.

“Man, spuddy, you’ve gotten so big.” Her voice hushed as to not wake him, she moved her hand and held his foot. Amazed at how it fit in her hand. “I can’t believe you’re gonna be one in two weeks. Fuck, I remember when you were born, you were so late. We didn’t know what to expect to begin with and then nine months became ten. The doctor said that wasn’t normal even before the outbreak. I was so scared, we had been through so much with you along for the ride. I kept thinking it was my fault, I had stressed Mama out too much.” Ellie ducked her forehead to a spot on the bed next to her son’s head to hide her pained expression from him if somehow he awoke. Voice cracking she continued.

“We were out on a farm and I didn’t know if either of you were gonna be okay. We got so lucky. The day Maria came with the doctor to check up on Mama, I was panicking over Mama in the bathtub, she wouldn’t stop screaming at me. I’’l be around so, you’ll learn how scary that is one day I’m sure.” Ellie chuckled fondly Dina was the only person to ever terrify her in more ways than one. “They ran up as your Mama damn near broke my hand, believe it or not she’s not the reason I lost two fingers.” Tears slipped from her eyes onto her bedding as memories of the first moment she saw Dina with JJ flooded her mind.

“You were so big Potato, when I held you in my arms for the first time I knew I’d never love anything more than I love you.” Ellie sat up, the pride swelling in her chest inflating her whole being. “She loves you so much. I do too. You were a miracle all the way. I don’t wanna lose you. I’m gonna spend the rest of my life making up for leaving, even though you probably won’t remember. I dunno how good baby’s memories are.” Running a hand through his hair she realized the curtain next to her was moving with a cold breeze.

Beyond the curtain Ellie heard a soft thud followed by a quiet “oh fuck me”Silently, she maneuvered off the bed not to disturb her son.

“Dina!” Ellie startled as she drew the curtain back.

“Hey, El. Sorry I tripped over one of JJ’s blocks.”

“That’s actually a caboose.”

Dina held up a rather lumpy looking block, her nose wrinkled, “This is not a caboose, this is a danger to public safety.”

“Dina, be nice that caboose cost me two fingers to make.”

“Wow. Only two fingers. You only got a whittle hurt, come back when you get a real injury, like a splinter.” Ellie groaned at the terrible pun. Shoving lightly at Dina’s shoulder, her mouth curving into a smile.

“You got a real habit of creepin’ on us, huh?” Ellie teased. Dina knit her brows together, chewing on the inside of her cheeks before sheepishly answering.

“I knocked and you didn’t answer, I thought you guys might have fallen asleep. I was trying to leave when I could make out what you’re saying.”Dina glanced everywhere around the RV. Her hands playing with the caboose before she abruptly put it down on the work table. “Thank you for watching him. I’m so sorry I’m late, there was an electrical malfunction over at the dam. Simon rewired a section wrong.” Dina stopped mid ramble, her mouth forming a thin line before she huffed out a small laugh at herself. She waved a hand around the RV, “Nice digs by the way.”

“Not a problem, we had a good night. He ate all his dinner, painted some stuff. Tried giving him a guitar lesson but he slept right through it.I’ll go get him, he’s conked out in the back.” Ellie turned and felt a hand on her shoulder.

“Actually,” Dina led them the few steps over to the couch, she curled down on one leg, bending her other leg up on the couch edge and resting her elbow on her knee. Her other hand patted on the cushion next to her as she rested her back against the padded seat that could be folded down into the dining space. “I was wondering if you wanted to open up presents together?”

Ellie sat down on the opposite end, hands folded on her stomach, feet propped up on the coffee table in an effort to play it cool. Dina’s movements belied the nervous energy she displayed moments before. Now she exuded comfort, like she lived here before and had stopped by to see how the old place was. Ellie’s stomach swooped as Dina watched her from her position.

Dina managed to catch her off guard so easily, with just one look she made Ellie feel like prey caught out in the open. Dina leaned closer and Ellie was hit with the slight, cool scent of winter that clung to her.Ellie angled towards Dina and the green backpack which rested in between them.

“You didn’t open yours yet?” Ellie asked quietly, not wanting to accuse Dina of anything.

“No. I wasn’t sure how I felt about it at first.” Dina ran a hand over her braid. “We didn’t really set any rules for gifts.”

“I just didn’t want you to feel left out.” _Like I didn’t care._

“I figured. I thought about it and Cedric reminded me we did have a gift for you so maybe we should exchange”

“Wait, you got me something!? You didn’t have to i-” Dina held a hand up, to cut her off.

“Ellie chill, it’s from all of us. It was something you were gonna get anyway.” Dina tucked her chin to her chest contemplating before fixing Ellie with a soft smile. “You realize Hanukkah was at the beginning of the month, right?”

“Shit really?! I know you said it changes each year.” Ellie twisted her hands. “I just went by last year.”

“Well JJ loved all of his presents.” Dina fixed here with a bemused look. “Even though the sack of them left on the front porch two weeks late was a little confusing. It’s a good thing he doesn’t know about Santa.”

“Pfft. No guy can make it around the world with a sack of toys. Not unless he has like, a jet pack that can break sound barriers.”

“Or a portal gun.” They shared a small laugh and in the quiet of her RV, it cascaded down her head like warm gold filling in the cracks of her broken parts. She missed moments like this on the farm. Nights where her head didn’t fuck everything up. JJ asleep nearby, their hushed voices the only sound for miles, the two of them content to warm themselves in the others presence. The thought cut short by the mental image of a screen door snapping shut behind her. Ellie tightened her brow, moving her feet off the coffee table to sit up straight, taking a few slow breaths to bring herself back to the present. If Dina knew what she was thinking she didn’t address it, just changed the subject.

“Soooo.” Dina dragged the final vowel out, an indication that she wanted something from Ellie she knew she would get. “JJ told me he was a little upset you missed out on Hanukkah this year… maybe you could make it up to him, by coming to his birthday party in a few weeks?”

“Oh?” Ellie feigned ignorance, truthfully she loved it when Dina pretended JJ asked for something she wanted. “He didn’t say anything about that to me while we hung out.”

“He probably didn’t want you to feel bad. It’s gonna be during dinner, two Saturdays from now in the daycare play area. Where they show the movies. There is going to be lots of screaming kids.” She ticked off on her fingers, leaning forward ever so slightly. “Parents that are nice to your face…” Dina trailed off, stopped counting on her fingers. The rush of being in such close proximity grounded Ellie immediately.

“Me.” Ellie drawled. The left corner of her lips twitched.

“You.” Dina cocked an eyebrow, her response was so low, even in the hushed trailer, Ellie almost missed it.

“You had me at screaming kids and parents.”

“I’m sure they’re just as excited for you to be there as you are for them.” Dina teased, slapping at her foot.

“Okay… weirdo.” Ellie snorted. She reached into the pack and pulled out the small round package she spent far too long wrapping, handing it to Dina. “Wanna go first?” Dina accepted the gift with a soft twist of her head. Her eyes never leaving Ellie.

“Of course, I always go first.” Dina slowly peeled the paper off. Carefully pulling at the tape so the paper wouldn’t rip. Ellie hated it, her knee bounced, the fucking point of wrapping was to tear into it.

“Jesus Dina, just rip it off!” Exasperation laced her tone as she tried to keep her voice down. Dina caught her eye and gave her a sly smile before returning back to her task possibly twice as slow as before.

“This.” Her voice light as she pulled away a piece of tape with devastatingly slow precision. “Is the fun part.”

“How is this fun?”

“Watching you lose your shit over paper is fun.” Dina kicked out at Ellie’s shin gently. Her boot barely made contact, and yet Ellie felt like she had stepped in a puddle of electrified water.

“You’re the most annoying person I ever met in my life.” Ellie bumped her foot back. After eons Dina finished unwrapping her gift. It was a two inch thick circular slice of a tree trunk. There was a small knot that resembled a misshapen heart and the rings followed that around. It wasn’t intentional, the slice was from the only log she had on hand from Joel’s scraps. She had signed her name across it to try and cover it. Now that Dina touched her fingertips to the loopy cursive of Ellie’s name, the choice felt too intimate. Dina flipped her gift over, jaw going slack as she took in what was on the other side.

“Ellie, did you make this?” Dina reverently touched the Chai Ellie had carved down into the wood. There was no carved design around nowhere near as intricate as the design nestled in the hamsa they had by the door on the farm. She hadn’t seen it when she visited Jesse’s folks and JJ at the house, so she figured maybe it was too much to look at sometime or maybe she sent Talia off with it.

“Yeah.” Ellie swallowed.

The design was pretty easy to carve into some wood, even with a bit of careful sanding it was still imperfect. A few spots where she didn’t follow the grain properly. To cover that up she had painted the Yud to look like the eye of Dina’s bracelet. The Chet, she painted a royal blue surrounded in gold paint that Maria picked up in trade for her; a small show of affection Ellie had grown accustomed to from the older woman. The background was painted in a rainbow pattern.

“I figured the house could use some life. I’m not the best with a whittling chisel. Had to paint it to look okay.” Ellie rubbed her hand at the side of her nose, scrutinizing every movement of Dina’s face, only able to relax when Dina tucked her lips into her mouth momentarily before grinning at her like she pulled the stars from the sky.

“Shut up, stupid. I love it.”

“Good thing you’re easy to please.” Ellie wiped her brow with an exaggerated flick of invisible sweat. “Can I open my gift now?”

“I dunno can you?”Ellie rolled her eyes throwing the other girl a sarcastic “ha ha” as Dina laughed and pushed a box wrapped in parchment paper towards her.

“Is it a dinosaur?”

“Why do you have to guess every time?"

“Makes it fun?” Ellie shrugged. Dina huffed in annoyance. “Oh is it a puppy?”

“Just fucking open it.”

JJ had clearly helped decorate, his little hand prints in every color covered the wrapping. With a fond smile, Ellie lifted up the box onto her lap, several parts shifted and settled inside with quiet thuds. Curious, Ellie picked the box up towards her ear to shake it, grinning at Dina devilishly.

“No!” Dina’s shouted, her eyes wide with concern. Her hands darted out to grip solidly around Ellie’s wrists holding her arms in place, preventing her from moving. Ellie knitted her brows together in worry. Dina exhaled the breath she was holding, bringing her hands back into her own lap. In a softer voice she explained, “It's uh, fragile.”

“You can’t hand me a gift and not tell me its fragile first.’ Ellie complained, not caring how petulant she sounded. She paused to listen for any signs of JJ fussing. When she heard nothing but his gentle snore, she enthusiastically, but carefully ripped off the paper revealing an old, square cardboard box. The upper flaps folded in a tight weave so nothing would fall out. “A cardboard box, how fragile.”

“Don’t be an ass.” Dina watched her so carefully for a second, she might have stopped breathing. The intensity unsettled Ellie, it had been some time since she’d seen Dina nervous around her.

Ellie pulled at the flaps until they slid out from one another. Sitting in the box was some sort of orb. She pulled it out gently, the bottom half of the sphere was black and attached to a casing with a switch welded onto it. The top half was a purple plastic with indecipherable tiny lettering underneath randomly connected lines and dots. In the box three more purple half orbs sat. “Dina? What is this?”

“Put it on the floor and flip the switch.” Dina leaned over from where she sat and turned out the overhead light. Ellie did as she was told and the room was bathed in purple light. Ellie looked up, the tiny room filled with blurry patches of lights that barely resembled constellations distorted across walls and furniture. It was crude, but it was space.

“There is a dial on the side, might help.” Ellie felt around until her fingers caught on the grooves of the dial. Tweaking the dial back and forth, Ellie watched as the light source moved up and down inside the chassis until she knew exactly what she was looking at. She twisted around to see every possible surface in her RV.

“Ursa Major… Cepheus… Perseus! Dina! It’s space inside!” Ellie exclaimed, her excitement causing her to forget Potato was trying to sleep, in a whisper she asked, “Where did you find this? Holy shit, this is so cool.” Ellie pulled out the three other sections of sky out trying to discern constellation patterns before staring openly at Dina.

“You’ll have to thank Cedric, he uh collected things, for me to fix after… after I got back to Jackson.” Dina cast her eyes down to the empty box, lips tucked into her mouth. “I made the bottom part, You’d hate what it came with. You couldn’t adjust the clarity at all. Like, they had all this fancy tech back them and they couldn’t even make something fucking function properly.”

“You made this better?” Ellie felt her jaw drop she pointed to the ceiling and then to the toy, “For me?”

“I didn’t know you were gonna come back.” Dina curled in on herself, shying away from her like she hadn’t just given Ellie something so fucking thoughtful it caused her heart to drop out. “I wanted to make something I thought you’d enjoy.”

“Well this is the coolest fucking thing I own now, so mission accomplished.” Ellie pulled out the other hemisphere parts. Squinting at the lettering and placement of constellations until there were enough familiar ones to appease her. “I’ll have to get you something better than that.”

“Ellie, you don’t ha–.” Ellie cut her off by moving down to the floor on the side of the planetarium furthest away from Dina, her toes pointed towards the front of the cab bumping her work table slightly.

“Hey, come down here.” Ellie leaned up on her right elbow and switched out the top part for a new one. She placed the whole contraption in the center of the floor, resting her head on her arms next to it. She stared up at the ceiling, Dina’s confused face blocking half her view.

“Ellie what the fuck are you doing?”

“Lay down. Please.” Dina complied and squeezed her body between the couch and the coffee table, her toes pointed towards where JJ continued to sleep. Their heads on either side of the planetarium.

“Alright weirdo, I’m on the floor.” Dina mirrored her position, arms tucked under her head. “Now what?”

“You remember the first night you got me high?” Ellie licked her lips, she didn't face Dina instead spoke softly to the facsimile of the night sky overhead.

“Yeah. You had just gotten back from your birthday trip with Joel. We ended up star gazing. You kept making up constellations.”

“I did not!” Ellie whispered incredulously. “I can prove it.”

“Then fuckin’ prove it.” Ellie braved a side eye at Dina. In the low light her eyes were unfathomable depths small points of purple light glinting in the corners. Her attention only focused on Ellie, and made her feel untethered, like an astronaut in the middle of a spacewalk gone awry.

“S’not my fault you were too high to connect the dots.”

“I was not that high.” Dina defiantly pushed out at Ellie’s elbow jostling her head. “You were clearly making shit up.”

“Here look, who ever made this thing connected the dots for stoners like you.” Ellie reached up with one hand pointing outthe fuzzy label near the zenith. “Each of these covers is based on the hemisphere during different seasons, this one was the closest to the night sky that night.” Dina shifted next to her. Her head much closer to Ellie’s shoulder than it was moments ago. Her eyes were at the same level and she openly searched Ellie’s face.The small planetariumprovided little division between them now.

“How do you even remember that?” Dina’s words drifted across her skin, laced with wonder. Ellie couldn’t help the small shiver that crossed her spine.

Ellie committed everything about that night to memory, wanting to remember the way their friendship was before Jesse and Dina hooked up. How Dina barged into her room, all energy seeking direction, with a couple of joints asking what they should do. How they snuck off to just outside the walls where it was darkest. How the weed made her so nervous that she convinced herself she couldn’t hold Dina’s hand when she offered it, because her hands were at least twenty times sweatier than normal human hands and too slippery to hold. How Dina wrapped herself around her arm anyway, accusing her of making up a new constellation every time she found one in the sky, before devolving into a fit of giggles against her shoulder. How when they both were too light and stoned to move or talk, she committed every constellation to memory, she did so in the deep dark of Dina’s eyes. Unable to pull her own gaze away back to the night sky, for it paled in comparison to the universe captured in blown pupils. Thinking in that moment it would be the closest thing to an intimate moment she’d ever get with Dina. She never wanted to forget what the night sky looked like as she saw it in Dina’s eyes.

“See those three stars,” Ellie directed a hand over them pointing to a spot on the wall. “Make up Orion’s belt. And as you can see by the lines connected around it, that those stars totally make a person.”

“Are you sure? Looks like a snake to me.” Dina joked. Halfheartedly annoyed, Ellie reached up and poked her in the stomach.

“Don’t be an ass.”

“The views not as good as the real thing.” Ellie’s breath hitched,slowly she turned her head and faced Dina. Her gentle eyes surveyed Ellie, brow ever so slightly furrowed.The cool glow of the planetarium lights enclosed them in their own little world.

Slowly or perhaps far too quickly, time was displaced and their breathing synced, for a moment or an hour,they were one. Ellie didn’t fight the soft lopsided grin she felt building. Allowing the content bliss winding it’s way around her chest, to spread to her limbs. She felt loose and happy for the first time in months. Dina mirrored her smile, blinking lazily, she let her gaze wander around Ellie’s face.Her pupils wide in the dim room. They lay there suspended in each other’s proximity, breath mingling. Someone shifted, neither knew who. A sigh brushed over her lips, reflexively she licked where it touched.

Behind the curtain JJ grew cranky. His unhappy cries breaking whatever had built between her and Dina. Both jolting out of their own thoughts. Ellie lifted her head off her hands leaning up onto her elbows, suddenly too warm. Dina dragged a hand across her face, looked up at the ceiling and simpered.

“You know, I think I see the belt now.” Dina joked. Ellie laughed softly, her pulse jack-hammering wildly through her veins. Breathing out her nose Ellie wiped her hands on her shirt. The heat in her stomach so hot she swore she could feel it through her shirt.

“I’ll go get him ready to go.”

“Okay. I’ll put this away.”

Rocking herself up onto her feet, Ellie stretched her arms over her head before popping her back as she headed towards the back of the RV flicking the light back on.

JJ was still in his nest of safety, his pudgy hands wiping at his face as he fussed. Humming quietly, Ellie took his jacket off the sill, putting the matching blue hat and mittens Dina made for him on as he calmed down. When he settled she pulled the jacket over the mittens and zipped him up, his eyes dropping as he calmed back down. Ellie picked him up wrapping him up in his little winter blanket. She rubbed at his back listening to the soft sounds of Dina putting things away behind her.

When she turned back into the main room, Ellie noticed Dina held one of the books she’d been reading on coping with loss. Eyes darting back and forth as she read the summary of the back.

“This is a bit different than Savage Starlight.” Dina kept her voice even, her body rigid. Ellie mindlessly brushedher thumb over JJ’s back suddenly overwhelmed with the urge to hide.

“Maria’s helping me cope with stuff.” Ellie bit her upper lip into her mouth while she figured out what the best route to take was. “I uh, I’m kinda helping myself. Well, learning how too. I really do want to be better for myself.”

“That’s good. I’m glad.” Dina’s face was impossible to read. Cautiously, she asked. “Is it helping?”

“I only just started. There is a lot I have to figure out.” Ellie shrugged. JJ’s weight grounding against her shoulder. “A lot I have to talk about eventually.” Dina nodded carefully.

Ellie had progressed more than she thought in a short time. The journey ahead would be difficult.The system she was creating wasn’t perfect, mostly it was something beyond holding the pain to her chest, allowing herself to release the poison of own darkness. She had lost everything she so desperately wanted to fight for now. Ellie stood a little taller, letting her eyes meet Dina’s, keeping her voice firm trying to convey some sense of faith in her own words as she spoke them. “It’s helping.”

Dina turned the book over in her hands. Drawing her lips into her mouth before opening and closing her mouth, uncertainty painted her face. Meeting Ellie's eyes Dina smiled and held out the book, opening her arms.

“Trade ya?” Ellie let Dina adjust JJ’s baby wrap over her shoulder before she handed him over for the book. She ran a finger down the spine, worn down with use. Proof that she was trying.She placed it back down on the coffee table. She maneuvered the thick winter wrap over him and kissed his head simply out of habit.

“Love you, Potato.”

Dina’s sharp inhale of breath drew her attention to how close their faces were, separated only by the pom pom on JJ’s hat. Ellie moved away slowly trailing her eyes along the path of freckles that crossed the bridge of Dina’s nose, to the small scar beside it, following down the gentle sweep of Dina’s jaw, past the thin white scar there, to her lips full and slightly chapped. They parted ever so slightly into a playful smile. JJ snuggled further down where he lay warm and safe against Dina’s chest. The motion startled Ellie back to herself, she took a step backwards nearly tumbling over the table when her calf clipped it’s edge.

Dina ducked her head hiding her smile behind JJ’s head. Valiantly trying to let Ellie keep up the illusion of dignity. Ellie righted herself, scratching at the back of her neck awkwardly.

“Fuck me that’s embarrassing.” Ellie whispered into her shoulder trying to hide her face. Of course Dina would catch her. Dina wasn't trying to start anything, she was always like this with Ellie. She folded her arms across her chest, distracting herself with a small water stain in the corner near the door and cleared her throat. They were making progress separately and together. She refused to fuck up this new domain of their friendship.

“Um, should I walk you two back?”

“We’ll be fine.” Dina affirmed. Hefting JJ gently so he was better protected against her chest. “Thank you for watching him on short notice. And for the gifts.”

“No problem. It was good seeing you both.”

Ellie reached her left hand out and cupped the back of JJ’s head. Dina covered Ellie’s hand with her own, thumb brushing gently over the scars there. She could be patient, she wouldn’t give up on this. Dina dropped her hand, and Ellie swore she could feel the lingering ghost of fingertips sweeping across the numb parts of her hand.

Ellie grinned so wide it hurt, like her muscles were unused to the movement. She opened the door, the cold air doing nothing to lessen the heat that had overtaken her body. Dina smiled as she stepped out. The night was clear and the stars shown brightly overhead.

“You were right.” Ellie pointed skyward her eyes never leaving Dina. “The real thing is a better view.”

"I'm always right." The corners of her eyes crinkled with the private smile that crossed her face. Dina's soft puff of breath visible in the cold air. “Sweet dreams, Ellie.” 

Ellie watched them leave, unsure if she’d get any sleep not with the way her entire being felt like all the heat was stripped from her extremities, stored low in her stomach. She gathered all the paints she needed and sat down for a long night of working on her gift for JJ.

\--- --- –- --- ---

Ellie’s whole body seemed to be vibrating on another frequency. Looking to the red glowing digital numbers of the clock on the counter she had just enough time to wrap up JJ and Robin’s gift in butchers paper she spent the last hour covering in dinosaur doodles, stuff herself into her nicest faded red and black flannel,and make it to the party. She managed to get some help from the library to bind it last minute, promising to help the librarian, Ms. Katie, with some repairs in return for her speedy assistance. She grabbed the stuffed giraffe Esther had dropped off with her and rushed out the door.Esther had spent half their last dinner over at The Clay Pit, apologizing for not being able to make it out to the party. She had been called on to make a large supply run and was going to be gone for the better part of the month. The party was going to be the first time they met, but Ether promised she’d return with several more gifts. Ellie told her it wasn’t a big deal, deep down she was grateful of how supportive Esther was of JJ and of her. She had become like a second aunt,letting her ramble about JJ whenever she returned back from a long supply run, teaching Ellie some techniques she had picked up after her stint in the military left her with PTSD.

Ellie trundled through the cold streets of Jackson, her nose burned from the harsh wind that tore down the street despite all the layers she wore. Turning down the street she kicked up into a light jog soon as she saw the lights ofthe second daycare building. After a boom of new children a few years back the town had needed a much larger day care building and converted the old one into an indoor play area. Usually the kids movie nights would happen here. Occasionally, it would be the place to host a birthday party.Spacious enough for everyone to gather without having to worry about kids running around and knocking over your shit if you lived in a smaller home. Some buildings in Jackson weren’t great for that. Especially Cedric and Robin’s place. It would be funny to try and stuff everyone into her RV, like sardines.

By the movement of the shadows in the window, the party had kicked off, faintly the sounds of screaming children echoed through the walls. Her Potato was turning a year old and everyone who loved him was here. She had missed so much of his development in the few months she had been gone. Her favorite part of watching him was seeing him barrel round corners with his jerky steps and the way his eyes lit up when he figured out a new way to get himself upright. Shaking her head and taking a few deep breaths she approached the steps, tried to push some of the snow off of each step with her boot as she went up them so no one would fall. The chipped black doors had faded over time, the silly half sun of the day cares sign bright against it. Someone, most likely Dina, had made a one out of green paper and drew on it so it looked like a T-Rex. Ellie pushed open the door, the glare of bright florescent lights of the room making her eyes hurt as they adjusted. She kicked her boots against the door frame, knocking loose the snow that accumulated on them during her trip, stepping inside. The ceiling was high and the shouts and laughter of everyone filled the room. Practically half of fucking Jackson was here. Surviving your first year in this world was a pretty big deal.

The room had been divided into two areas, the left side had dozens of kids running around and playing. Someone had set up a few games like hopscotch and jump rope for them. The other side of the room had a pot luck of food lined up behind several tables, where all the older guest caught up. She felt nervous and out of place.

“Are you even on the guest list?” Cedric beamed, as leaned on the door jam.

“Was I supposed to bring food?”

“What, and burn down that nice RV of yours in the process?”

“You’re an ass.” Dina must have told him about the time she almost set the farmhouse on fire making soup.

“And you’re late.” He crossed his arms over his chest, his face dulled into something more serious.

“Oh, shit?” She nervously picked at the paper she used to wrap JJ’s gift’s. “I’m so sorry if you guys were waiting for me. I thought it was supposed to start around dinner. I must have…” Ellie rambled on before Cedric’s hard stare melted into one of bemusement and she caught on to his little game. His son played the same way.

“I am messing with you, kid.”

“Ugh! You are the worst.”

“Hey, it’s not my fault you’re so gullible.” he grinned as he shoved off from where he had leaned up against the wall and stepped aside. “Come on. The birthday boy awaits.”

They detoured to the small utilities area that had been sectioned off with a few mismatched dividers, to remove her scarf gloves stuff them into her jacket pocket tossing the whole mess onto an abandoned chair. She noted Maria’s jacket was hung up on the only coat stand. She must have gotten off work earlier. Ellie was happy that there would be at least one other person she knew she could talk to if she got a little overwhelmed. Since returning to Jackson, she found it harder to interact with a few of the more friendly types that engaged her. Unable to keep interest in a conversation for more than a few minutes.

“You think after all the time we spent working the past couple of months, you’d catch on faster.” Cedric called over his shoulder as he tossed an arm over her shoulder as they strode out onto the floor.

She scanned the room and her eyes immediately locked on to Dina who was making conversation with a small group of people. A small black haired woman Ellie didn’t know put her hand on Dina’s shoulder as they laughed together over something. Small talk had never come easy for her in the way it did Dina. She was always the life of the party. Ellie ducked around a few of the other mothers as Cedric steered her towards them.

“What, too good to mingle with the other mothers?”

“I’m never gonna get away from this kinda shit am I?” Ellie griped.

“Not if JJ and I have anything to say about it. My family’s legacy must live on.” Cedric playfully shoved her forward. Staggering her steps as she approached the table where JJ sat next to Robin. “JJ look who it is.”

Directing his upper body towards the origin of the sound of his name, JJ’s brown eyes lit up as soon as he recognized Ellie, mouth splitting into a bright grin that showed off all ten of his little teeth. A green paper crown adorned his head. Tufts of dark hair poked out over the top and underneath the bottom. Dina had dressed him in a dinosaur onesie, which he artfully covered in an assortment of unrecognizable mashed foods. He waved at her, kicking his legs as he bounced in his seat. The rush of affection in her chest abated the lingering nervousness, JJ wielded that kind of power.

JJ sat in an old highchair Joel had made for one of the neighbors a few years ago. She could tell because she had painted it to look like giraffe legs. It was one of the only projects she worked on with Joel. Furniture had its way of circulating through town based on who needed what the most and Joel had made a lot of things for people. Her son using something she and Joel made together made her heart swell. She brought her hand to her mouth and exhaled slowly. Joel would have loved this kid so fucking much.

“Where have you been, you’re late.” Robin pulled out the chair next to JJ, attempting to wipe his face clean as Ellie sat down. He pushed her hands away with a whine, his attention on Ellie.

“Haha, Cedric already got me with that one. Try harder.” Ellie smiled as she noticed Dina making her way towards the table, her hair tied up in a ponytail like the one she used to keep it in. She wore a charcoal collared shirt tucked into high-waisted umber jeans and her cowboy boots. It was a special day after all.

“He was being nice you’re actually late.” Robin quietly intoned, going poker-faced Ellie couldn’t tell if she was serious or not. Robin held her gaze long enough Ellie began to doubt herself.

“Fuck!” Ellie exclaimed, with a pout. “For real? I even ran over.”

“Uck!” Ellie held her breath blinking a few times down at her little spud.

“Uck!” He grabbed at her sleeve, oblivious to the fact that he had chosen possibly the worst time to say his first word. The part of her that was immensely proud of her son was eclipsed by the fact that she swore around him after it was suggested he might pick it up.

“UUUCK!” Ellie winced, JJ’s high-pitched squeal cutting through the murmur of the crowd around them. Ellie whirled around to face where Dina stood, her eyes wide. JJ slapped his hand repeatedly on her left one.

“Excuse me Ellie, what did he just say?” Robin raised a brow hard look.

“Guys I swear I’ve been good around him. I mean is stubbed my toe last week and said it once but that really hurt and I forgot.”

“Uck!” JJ pulled at her shirt. His tiny face squished up into an unhappy grimace.

“Did JJ just say fuck?” Cedric set his hands on his hips lifting a brow at Ellie.

“Heeey buddy, maybe don’t let that be your first word in front of your mama okay.” Her son’s first words a betrayal. “Can you say mama?”

“Uck?” Dina chuckled at JJ, directed a glare towards Jesse’s folks. Her hand coming up to rest on Ellie’s shoulder. Rubbing lightly at the tense muscle there.

“Oh my god you look like you’re about to crap yourself.” Ellie stared at Dina confused. “Relax, he wants you to pick him up.” Putting two and two together Ellie exhaled loudly in relief.

“Holy shit, I hate every single one of you.” Her whole body deflated. Genuinely worried that she had somehow messed up being a parent. There were so many things you had to remember to do and not to do as he got older, it was crazy.

“You’re gonna have to pick up baby talk real fast.” Robin put a gentle hand on Ellie’s forearm her eyes gleaming with mirth.

“Can’t believe you thought JJ’s first word was a cuss word.” Cedric’s voice broke high with amusement, as he stood behind Robin doubled over, wiping a tear from his eye. “And here we spent this whole time trying to convince you you were late.” He put a gentle hand on JJ’s head. “Good joke, little guy.”

“I’m surrounded by dicks, You’re all such dicks.” Ellie glared at the three of them, lifting JJ out of his stool. “Even you got me huh, Potato.”

As if someone had taken a bat to her skull Ellie came to the full realization of what that meant as pride, joy, and elation hit her at once: Her kid was fucking talking.

“Spuddy, you said your first word! Oh man!” She tossed him a foot into the air before catching him. He screamed happily, squirming in her arms until she tossed him a second time, cradling him to her chest, hoping he could feel the pride that inflated each breath she took. “If you want up, you got it, kiddo! High three!” Dina came over and placed a hand on JJ’s back, smiling softly as he lit up smashing his fist against Ellie’s open hand. “When did he say it?”

“Last night,” Dina brushed her hands through his soft wavy hair. “Hasn’t stopped saying it since.”

“Wow.” Ellie grinned down at him. She’d spent many nights on the farm pouring over the baby books that Dina brought with her. Worried about where he was developmentally. Fearful that her choices in Seattle and almost getting everyone killed had impacted his growth somehow. Dina comforted her late at night that the old way of parenting was overbearing. In this new world as long as JJ was happy and healthy he would grow at whatever pace he set. “He’s really grown so fast.” The little part of her head wheedled at the thought of _and you weren’t here for it,_ the feeling she didn’t deserve this moment. Even if she thinks the moment isn’t deserved it’s happening to her and she has to let that be.

“Can you watch him for a minute?” Dina asked, voice low in her ear. “I need a drink and to eat something or I’m gonna go fuckin’ crazy.”

“Yeah. Of course, anything you need.” Dina quietly gave her thanks, kissed JJ on the head, and sauntered off towards the row of tables laden with food. Ellie watched her go, Maria stepped into view giving JJ’s hands a little shake.

“Congrats, Ellie.” Maria said, wrapping Ellie up in a little shoulder hug. JJ using the opportunity to reach out and yank on her graying hair. Maria tickled him, crossing her eyes until he flailed so hard his arm hit Ellie in the eye. Taking the chair next to Robin at the table, Ellie placed him on her lap adjusting him on her knee listening to him chatter to himself. Absolutely content to let JJ play with her left hand, finally getting used to him chewing on her fingers. It didn’t deter him at all and she wasn’t going to get in his way.

“Mind passing him to me I’m gonna go feed and change him into some clean clothes.” Ellie started slightly. Dina had returned and Ellie had been so caught up with JJ she hadn’t even notice.

“Sure.” Ellie took away her hand and tucked them under his arms lifting him up as she stood. He fussed for a second, quieting when he realized where he was going. Shouting a happy “uck” as she handed him over. Dina tucked him against her hip her fingers swiping errant hairs off his face.

“Come here, little tuber.” Dina grinned, Ellie groaned at the word play. She was insufferable.

“You need any help?”

“I got him.” Dina backed away slowly, the corners of her eyes crinkling softly at her smile. “Besides, you seem busy.”

“What?” Dina turned with a little laugh. Effortlessly moving with JJ through the small gathering. Ellie admired her for a fraction of a second before something caught her attention in her peripheral.

“Ellie! Ellie!” The sound of two kids screaming reached her seconds before two tiny bodies slammed into her hips. The twins, John and June, two copies of the same face staring up at her. All dark mops of hair and gap-tooth grins. Wrapping themselves around each of her legs they threw they’d been dressed in matching blue and white striped shirts and soft, gray pants. Making it slightly difficult to tell the two apart.

“Ow, fuc-nnnn.” Ellie managed to cut the end of the swear off in time. Wendy had a thing about them picking up bad language. “Hey shrimps, Barry, er, your Dad around?”

“Yeah he said you’d play Clickers with us!” June yelled from one leg.

“Yeah clickers!” John echoed from the other.

“Did he now?” Ellie searched the room for a sign of her friend’s dark ponytail. Of course he unleashed his kids on her and hid. Crouching down, they let go of her legs as she reached eye level. “Did he tell you I’m the meanest clicker ever?” The twins shook their heads no and she unleashed a horrid screech and lurched towards them hoisting one kid on each shoulder before running half the length of the room cackling evilly at the absolute sounds of terror and joy they make when she spun around.

They giggled as Ellie hefted them up then pretended to drop them down off her shoulders. Once they were on solid ground June thrust a red bandana into Ellie’s hands.

“No fair that’s not the rules.” June crossed their arms and pouted.

“I’m sorry. I thought I just told you I was the meanest clicker ever not a clicker that follows rules.”

“Yeah you gotta put the blindfold on.” John copied his sibling’s pose. The annoyance in their voices apparent, Ellie reached down and grabbed the blindfold. “You gotta count to ten and we hide.”

“Then you scream and we scream and you have to catch us that way.”

“Alright alright. Get going.” Ellie shooed them off, put the blindfold on and hunched over jerking her body sporadically. The twins squealed and she listened closely to the sounds of their feet as they ran off towards her right. Counting to ten she shrieked, they screamed. Predictably they hid near each other, Ellie dragged her feet and breathed heavily towards the closest of the two, arms outstretched to avoid hitting anything. She repeated the shriek and lowered her head listening for their response. Shaking her head when she realized they had moved. Little cheats. She began shuffling forward before

he heard a man’s voice behind her, two large hands coming to her shoulders.

“Rarrgh got ya!”

Ellie was fourteen again, her world was fire, fear, and survival. David’s hands grasping her shoulders, pulling her towards him. Lighting fast she dropped her right shoulder forward, grabbing his hand with her left and pulling his center of balance forward, as she gripped his upper arm with her right. Using the force to flip him over her shoulder with a growl, throwing him to to the floor, rolling her body on top of his pinning him down. She ripped off the bandana to face David only to see the form of her friend twisting himself so she wouldn’t dislocate his arm.

“Barry? Shit!” She let go of his arm pushing herself off and away from him. “Shit.”

Taking a few calming breaths. As soon as she realized what had happened the rush of fear for her life receded, the adrenaline making her hands shake, she focused on stilling them.

“Damn, I guess you’ve been holding back on me.” Barry lamented, rotating his shoulder. Shifting himself so he was next to her. “You didn’t tell me you were a friggin’ ninja.”

“Fuck I’m so sorry. You alright?” Ellie scanned his face for signs of anger, his face opened into a boisterous laugh.

“I should be asking you that.” Barry whistled quietly high to low, rubbing at his shoulder with a slight wince. “That was pretty bad ass.”

“I could have really hurt you. Wasn’t expecting an adult is all.” She wasn’t expecting David. But he was dead and she made sure he’d never her hurt anyone ever again.

The usual shame that came with an outburst didn’t have enough time to manifest before the twins rushed up and tackled her, screaming murder as they pretended to stab her in a series of invisible fungal plates, climbing on her as she slumped onto the floor.

“Aww noo you got me.” She closed her eyes, using the moment to take a few centering breaths as the twins shouted at each other over her body.

“That was so cool!”

“You didn’t even need to see.”

“Daddy, Ellie kicked your ass.”

“Butt. Don’t say ass or your mum is gonna flip.” Barry chastised.

“You lost and we won! We can say ass!” One of the twins crowed.

“Now who made that rule up? Get off of Ellie kids, lets go find your mum and get some food.”

“Okay!”

“Bye, Ellie!”

The twins roughly hugged her before they got up off of her, making sure to hit every organ in her body, and ran off towards the tables. Barry held out a hand, pulled her up off the floor, and tussled her hair obnoxiously.

“Those two are a handful, thanks for playing with ‘em.” Ellie ducked her head, scratching at her brow.

“Look, Barry. About that-.” Barry cut her off, an easy smile on his face.

“Ellie. We’re cool…” Barry grew silent and more serious than she ever seen him. He pulled back his shirt sleeve, a ring of jagged scar tissue circled his wrist. Ellie breathed in through her nose. “Everyone in this world has faced some shit to survive. Shit lingers, ya know. You and I are are alike in that way.”

“Barry,” Ellie began. He brought the sleeve back down and lightly punched her shoulder, like they were fucking around during work.

“I’m serious dude, it’s alright. The kids had a blast and no one got hurt.” He glanced over her shoulder and jerked his head towards where the twins ran off to, following their path. “I have some hooch if you wanna spike the tea.”

“I’d like to stay alive,” she called after him. Taking a few seconds to observe the room. None of the kids processed what she had done as dangerous. It was part of the game to them. It was obvious by how engrossed they were in talking to each other, the nearby adults hadn’t seen shit. The hair on the nape of her neck stood up, blood rushed to her fingers,still on alert someone had seen. Ellie surveyed the rest of the room, the only person that had seen her was Dina. She passed JJ over to Maria and swiftly started to cross the gymnasium Her eyes never leaving Ellie.She was standing still, though her body felt as if she was sliding along the magnetic pull of the look, it made her nervous and hot.

All Ellie wanted was to be able to pass through solid objects, like the girl in a superhero movie Dina loved because Ellie resembled the character whose power was just that. She had teased her with the observation many a movie night.

 _See_ _she_ _looks_ _exactly_ _like you, Ellie._

_W_ _hat she looks nothing like me!?_

_At least we can know how hot you’d look in that suit though._

She absolutely doesn’t look anything like the girl but if she could have any super power in this moment it would be her power to sink through the floor. Ellie could turn invisible right this moment and Dina would know exactly where she was.

“Ellie, do you need a break?” Dina asked, voice laced with genuine concern, eyes watching her closely.

“I’m good. Just got startled is all.” Ellie waved a hand, dismissively before fiddling with the hem of her flannel.

“You scared me there for a fuckin’ second.” Dina stepped closer, brows pinched together, worrying her lip between her teeth.

“Worrying is in your blood isn’t it?” Ellie teased. Easily falling into the gentle back and forth they had built between before life got so dark.

“Fuck you, c’mon. JJ’s gonna open up presents. He demands you help him.”

“Man, he turns one and suddenly he’s making demands of me. Just like his Mama.”

“You watch what you say or I’ll make up clean up this whole thing by yourself.” Ellie flipped Dina off. In retaliation Dina simply grabbed her hand. “C’mon, before I change my mind about being nice to you.”

Dina pulled her along by her hand and she followed with no resistance. Somewhere Cedric was calling for everyone to gather round for gifts, all Ellie could focus on was the way her hand tingled where Dina held it loosely in hers. Reminiscent of the first time Dina held her hand, Ellie couldn’t process why she was so casual with her touch, yet went along with no resistance. They made their way over to the circle of folks that wanted to watch JJ receive gifts. Sitting him in his highchair, Ellie pulled over two chairs for herself and Dina. In Jackson tradition, many of the gifts were for the family to help them with the growing child: a bigger bed, clothing of various sizes, they opened the larger gifts together, passing along smaller gifts to JJ, assisting him when he needed it. He loved ripping off the paper that wrapped over a dozen new toys. “See, fun.” Ellie mouthed over his head at Dina. The other woman rolled her eyes, smile soft as she helped him peel back a layer of paper that revealed the soft giraffe Esther had brought back from her last run.

Slowly the gifts dwindled down until only her gift was left. Ellie intentionally handed over the other gifts first. She swallowed the lump in her throat and stood to grab it.

Robin got there first. She held out Ellie’s gift. Ellie pushed it back towards her gently and gestured towards the chair she had been sitting in. Ellie pulled the chair out for Robin and tucked JJ onto her lap. He wouldn’t let go of the giraffe so she let him keep it. He babbled as he teethed on it’s head.

“Oh, hey, Potato this one is from your Mom.” Robin’s brow furrowed. “Why is my name on this?”

“It’s for both of you. I know you’re birthday is coming up too.”

Robin assisted JJ as he slapped his hand over a doodle of a trex, gently ripping the paper off. The paper caught slightly on the maroon fabric Ellie used for binding as she flipped it over revealing the title Ellie had carefully painted on the cover in swirling gold cursive: _The Root Child._

“Ellie?” Robin’s eyes glistened with tears. “What on earth?” JJ twisted his head in confusion at his grandmother’s response fussing slightly. She kissed his head and he settled on her lap, shifting so he could see the book too. She opened the cover to the words Ellie delicately penned on the nicest card stock she could find.

Softly Robin read aloud to JJ:

_as told by Grandma Robin._

_Potato, I want you to grow up knowing how loved you were and are by so many people. This story was your Dad’s favorite. When the time comes you’ll learn all about him. The world we live in isn’t an easy one. Remember life is worth living, and no matter what you keep find something to fight for._

“I was gonna ask for the original book, but Cedric told me it had been lost before you got to Jackson.” Ellie wrung her hands, her mouth going dry. Cedric had assured her that it would be okay, and yet she couldn’t help feel like this was some how a gross misstep.

“I read this to Jesse everyday when he was little.”

Robin turned the page, a carefully illustrated Baby JJ at the center of a grand sprawling forest village, deep green overgrowth wove along the thatched rooftops of the village. Soft yellow light dappled over his features through the treetops. JJ clapped his hands together, babbling and pointing at his face staring back at him from the page just like he did when he saw himself in the mirror. Ellie beamed down at him. Clearly her Potato was the smartest fucking kid in the world.

Robin turned each page as the root child, living in a world devoid of most plant life, set off to the center of the desert where there were rumors of fertile ground for the chosen child to plant himself and save the world. meeting several members of the village in the process. Robin smiled at all the illustrations of the various villagers that helped JJ on his mission to save them.

The kind village leader, who, moved by the JJ’s bravery, refuses to let the child undertake this quest on his own swearing to protect him along the way.

The village magic woman who carried with her the love of the village for him so that when they make it to their destination he will be at full strength to save everyone.

They village seamstress who make him clothes to protect him from the elements along his journey.

The village farmer who provided JJ with a horse so his feet won’t get tired as he traverses the hot desert.

The kind village innkeeper who offered JJ a place to rest before setting out, providing him and his fellowship what meager resources she could provide.

The village hunter who turned his weapons away from killing to stand behind the child on his quest, ready to fight for him should the need arise.

The village guard who put JJ’s quest above her own duty to protect the village knowing protecting him is greater than anything she’ll ever undertake.

The illustration of the small fellowship saving him from the giant hawk that stried to scoop him up and eat him.

And the end; where each of the villagers sacrificed a small part of themselves for the Root Child. He gives a part of himself as well, but the need for him to die is not great now that he is not alone.

Jesse, Dina, Robin, Cedric, Maria, Joel, Ellie. The villagers had the faces of all the people that would and will ever love JJ more than the earth turning around the sun. Each of them coming forward and offering up a part of themselves his place so he wouldn’t have to sacrifice himself.

“This was Jesse’s favorite version,” Robin stared down at the image of her son and grandson embracing on the final page. She closed the book on her lap and sniffed. Dabbing at the corner of her eyes. Holding the book out so she wouldn’t get tears on it she picked up JJ and stood to hug Ellie tightly with one arm. “The one where everyone is okay. I wrote it after I scared him with a different version.”

“He uh told me about that one. The whole village died, real fuckin’ dark for a kids book,” Robin laughed into Ellie’s shoulder, warm tears soaking through her flannel.

“When he is old enough to understand,” Robins eyes swam with emotion. “Ellie you made him into a book. This is the most thoughtful gift. Thank you. Thank you.”

“I figured JJ would probably like the story more if it came from you. You do the voices better.” Ellie lifted her shoulders. “Besides, Cedric helped.”

“Oh he did? Well, I better go cry on him then.” Robin wrapped Ellie up in a deep hug transferring JJ into Ellie’s arms. He hugged himself around her neck shoving the stuffed giraffe in her face. The spot of cold wetness where he teethed smearing across her face. She slammed her eyes shut with a groan.

“Ugh, gross.”

“You love it.” Dina’s voice came softly from beside her. JJ reaching out to grab at her ponytail as she adjusted the crown on his head, a shy smile on her lips. “That was really sweet of you. Amazing really.” Her face flashed through several emotions. Shooting her a genuine laugh, dropping her voice low, the way she does when she’s got a secret to share. “You know every mother is going to come looking for you to make their kids into a book right?”

“Is that why everyone is looking at me right now?” Hyper aware of the few dozen folks watching her, Ellie held JJ closer. There was the presence of the uncomfortable pressure at the base of her skull that built whenever she felt trapped.

“I think a few of them noticed how well you’re filling out that flannel. I think I overheard Ms. Katie mention how strapping you looked when you walked in.” Dina teased.

“Oh, shut up.” Ellie checked her hip into Dina the pressure releasing as soon as she stopped focusing on the room. JJ joined in the fun, bopping his giraffe against Dina’s face. The two of them breaking out into giggles. “She did not.”

“She totally did.” Ellie casually glanced towards the woman in question, who was busy fixing herself a drink. Dina smirked and waggled her eyebrows.

“Sorry, you’re bar might be set low, but mine’s been set pretty high.” The statement was loaded, Ellie hadn’t been thinking when it left her mouth. Dina lifted a brow and cocked her hip.

“You think my bar is low?” Her voice had lost it’s teasing edge.

“I mean, you were with me.” Ellie hated how insulted Dina sounded. Ellie couldn’t fathom anyone seeing what she had put Dina through as setting the bar high. For most of their relationship Dina was the one who carried them. Her strength getting both of them to the end of the day. Ellie might have provided in terms of hunting and farming, but she would always walk out then things got too difficult, wake Dina with screams after she stayed up to put JJ down. None of that would rank high on anyone else bar.

“Oh, Ellie.” Dina exhaled, closing her eyes, her brow creased, her head moving back and forth subtly as she swallowed thickly, before her eyes opened. The moment achingly reminiscent of their last night together in the farmhouse. “That is so far from the truth.”

Ellie dropped her head, feeling guilty for upsetting Dina. “Sorry.” She mumbled into the head of the giraffe. Dina moved the toy, forcing Ellie to meet her stare.

“Hey.” Dina softened, wetting a chapped section of her bottom lip with her tongue. “Are you going to have dinner with Robin and Cedric next Friday?”

“Yeah, usually do.” Ellie tilted her head, confused. That was the usual day she went over for dinner, Dina knew that she had been the one who planned it.

“Mind if I join you?” Dina asked so shyly like she was expecting rejection.

“I think JJ would love that.” Ellie held JJ close, bouncing him in her arms. “Right, spud?”

“Uck!” He crowed, reaching out and grabbing at the piece of Dina’s hair that dangled between them pulling her closer. Close enough that Ellie could make it out, in the deep brown of Dina’s eyes, behind the hurt, the anger; the love that had always been there was still buried and in this light, it’s all Ellie knew. Nothing she had done snuffed that love out, muted it perhaps.

“How mad would you have been if his first word was fuck?” Ellie asked quietly, half teasing half curious. Dina hummed in contemplation.

“So fucking mad.” She kissed JJ’s head.

“Happy Birthday, Potato.” Ellie made the stuffed giraffe kiss him. He clapped and copied her actions shoving the giraffes mouth into her face and then Dina’s.

The three of them stood there in their own bubble of shared joy as the world went on around them. There was still work to be done. There was still more healing needed to move on. For one blissful moment her family was whole again, surrounded by a community of love, and Ellie finally understood what Joel meant when he told her you keep finding something to fight for.

No matter what.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter had a lot of fun little things I couldn't wait to share.
> 
> Ellie's new guitar is based off of Slim Whitman's (his music helps humanity defeat the aliens in mars attacks) guitar he used in his Letterman performance. He had a missing finger on his left hand.
> 
> JJ's birthday scene was written right after chapter one so I wasn't so dang depressed. I used one of the stories my folks told me about my own childhood. My first word was up and my parents pranked my grandmother by convincing her I said fuck. (my second word was parking which also sounded like fucking so I'm pretty sure it's why I curse so much)
> 
> The little planetarium was based off of something I once owned and I wish I had someone like Dina to mod it so it was easier to tell what the fuck you were looking at. 
> 
> Dina and Ellie getting high as kids was based off one of the gayest things young me did with a girl I liked. Unlike Ellie, I totally made up constellations because I'm a shit.
> 
> The idea for the root child tale was whatever Saw movie has the traps where if they worked together and made small sacrifices they would have all survived. 
> 
> Clicker game is marco polo. It was supposed to be a mini game in tlou2 but it was cut, no idea how the mechanics would have been, but I loved the idea of Ellie playing games with kids.
> 
> I really enjoyed writing these chapters hope you don't mind I turned them into one!
> 
> Next up: Ellie and Dina ____?


	7. We're Just Two Lost Souls Swimming In a Fish Bowl, Year After Year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie learns the different ways coping with loss looks like.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again no beta, many, many apologies for terrible grammar/content mistakes.
> 
> Thank you so much for sticking around and reading the story. Your kind words have been helping me through two terrible months. I'm super grateful for you so once again here is about 20k worth of words, it's like 4 chapters for the price of 1!
> 
> Be warned this chapter has light mentions of abuse, after "Whoa no listen."

Midwinter came and went leaving a biting cold lingering in the air. The days lost light as quickly as they found it and with the change came darkening thoughts. Guilt, anger, hopelessness. They were all close companions to Ellie by now. They had been with her long before she left for Seattle. The days Ellie didn’t dwell on the deaths of others didn’t fill her with as much guilt as it once did. Yet, the pain lingered. This belief that somehow her continued existence would only bring pain. Only cast others into darkness when someone like Riley would have brought light. Only brought death when someone like Marlene would have brought life. She could list and list each lost life and what they could have brought to this world that made them more worthy of life than her but it wouldn’t change anything. Everyone was dead and she had to keep moving forward. Find a way to bring those good things she saw in others into herself and maybe one day she wouldn’t hate everything about herself.

Her talks with Maria had dropped down to Sundays and two nights a week. Ellie supplemented the rest of the week in the grain of a piece of wood, along the strings of her guitar, in the pages of her journal.

She wrote and drew her way through two journals. Pouring out her heart onto paper was the only way she truly felt safe. Talking unearthed a great deal of anguish and she did her best to accept it into her reality. Writing her innermost feelings down provided a relief she didn’t expect. She wrote letters to Tommy that she couldn’t find the mettle to send. In the pages she talked of the many people that brought her to that exact moment in time. The elation of kissing Riley for the first time after a month of struggling with the fact that the she had left and wasn’t coming back. The paranoia that never quite went away after David.

She knew she needed to tell Dina about all of that. Open up about her past and hope Dina understood. Esther mentioned it might help bridge the gap that had grown since she left the farm. Ellie didn’t disagree with Esther’s point, she couldn’t bring herself to believe that anyone would want to be with her after they knew every thing she had done.

Every terrible execution she administered on the WLF members in Seattle. Years of telling herself the harshness of the world didn’t make her a murderer. That what she had done was simply a matter of survival. When did hunting down people become survival? It grew hard to justify what had happened after the pain of losing Joel ebbed away to a dull throb she could live with most days. On more than one occasion she woke up covered in sweat, gasping for air, heaving up nothing. Her true nature echoed in Nora’s screams, drown out by the gurgle of the woman’s final breath of air choked by her own blood as Owen’s last words hung in the back of her mind like a shadow.

_She had nothing to do with this! She’s pregnant._

Abby had spared Dina, when Ellie didn’t hesitate for a second to kill that woman. The ringing in her ears and the sick in her stomach didn’t spare her from her reality. How could she tell Dina that? Could she ever look her in the eyes again if Ellie revealed that Abby spared her and she couldn’t even bother to extend the same?

“You didn’t know, how could you have known?” Repeated in her mind every time she tried to justify what she’d done, taking out a child before they had a chance to live. How could she look anyone in the eyes and tell them not only did she kill a baby and it’s mother, she learned nothing from it, learned nothing when Dina was offered the chance to live. What kind of life would that kid have had? Would they be as happy as JJ? She wondered that every time she held her son.

“You in there, El?” Dina’s quiet voice brought Ellie out of her head. She knelt next to the beige couch Ellie had sprawled herself and JJ on while the rest of the household talked over the final bits of Robin’s roast dinner. They were celebrating Robin’s birthday, she had requested a small affair which amounted to a friendly little get together with friends in the afternoon, capped off with dinner with her family. Dina cooked the diner to perfection, a feat she achieved by banishing Ellie out of the kitchen to play bartender.

Half way through their meal JJ stopped behaving, refusing to eat his mashed potatoes, smearing them all over his spot at the table. Which she understood, it was after all a little messed up to serve Potato, potatoes. – Something she had tried to explain to Cedric. – His usual good behavior affected by the two molars making their way through his gums. Gnawing on a cool towel only did so much to soothe his pain. Before tackling the meal, Dina had returned a little late from another shift spent walking around the perimeter to check the trip wire traps she so brilliantly reverse engineered after seeing them in Seattle. The exhaustion of the day in her frame evident. Without second thought Ellie cleaned him and scooped him up, excusing them to the living room where she let him chew on her fingers until he calmed down. When he finally rested his head on her chest, she sang him to sleep. At some point she had gotten lost in her own head.

“What?” Ellie blinked owlishly. Shaking her head she smiled, her tongue licking out at her lips. The tang of salt surprised her. Carefully as possible, trying not to disturb JJ, she wiped her cheeks. Fingers coming away wet. “Oh, I’m alright. I was just thinking about stuff.” Dina (gave her a questioning look)

“Stuff, huh?” Dina ran a thumb over the spot where her brows knitted together, smoothing out the skin there. “Looks like it was pretty intense stuff.” Her voice wasn’t accusatory. “You missed Cedric and Robin going to bed. They had a little too much to drink. They love you both, they didn’t want to wake Potato.”

Ellie hummed in response. Scooting over on the couch enough for Dina to perch on the edge. JJ groaned softly into her sweatshirt at the movement. His tiny face scrunching into a grimace. Ellie cupped his back with her left hand and stroked at the soft hair on his head. He rubbed his face on her chest most likely trying to relieve some of the pain in his gums. Poor little guy.

The first dinner where the two of them had been present had evolved into a second night a week, occasionally Maria would join them with Tupperware packed full of some delicious creation. Robin doted, over the moon, that they both were in the same room for a few hours a night and that her family had finally returned to Jackson. JJ loved the attention and Cedric was happy to have someone who could appreciate a fine whiskey like Maria did. Dina finally started talking about Ellie babysitting JJ to give Robin and Cedric some time to themselves. Grateful for all they had done for her and JJ, Ellie dared to offer taking him overnight. They accepted, and one night a week JJ slept tucked against her frame as she pointed out various constellations in the gentle glow of the planetarium until sleep overtook her as well. For such a small human, Ellie found herself unprepared for the love she felt for JJ. There were a million ways he could have never made it. Dina’s unwavering love for her son was like watering a crop, he flourished.

“I was thinking about how much JJ means to me. How grateful I am to you... and Jesse.” Ellie swallowed thickly. “He’s one and he’s been through so much. I still can’t believe I get to hold him, ya know?” She wanted to admit she can’t believe she even gets to be in the same room as both of them.

“He’s a fucking miracle.” Dina affirmed, holding JJ’s socked foot in her hand. JJ kicked a little at the contact. Ellie silently observed them. Her heart rate picking up, she worried JJ might wake up from it.

Ellie cleared her throat, keeping her voice low. “Actually, I was wondering. I uh, the talks I have with Maria I was thinking on Sunday I wanted to talk about why, why I left. Esther suggested you be there when she and I were talking about how things have been going. If you um want to.” She could feel the panic of rejection build in her chest. Air didn’t fill her lungs quite right, she exhaled heavily. JJ stirring in her arms. Taking her focus off her panic long enough to power through and recover.

“Yes.” Dina responded with no hesitation.

“You’re not like obligated.. you don’t have to cause, wait yes?”

“Ellie, if you think it’ll help you. I’ll be there. I do however retain the right to smack you for being an idiot.”

“You have never missed a moment to exercise that right.” Both chuckled. Ellie gave Dina shit about it. Deep down she loved that Dina reserved that kind of rough playfulness as a sign of affection for her. It was a kind of trust she extended to very few. “You’re really sure you’re okay with it?”

“I won’t know until you start talking,” Dina dropped her gaze to JJ, his tiny chest rising and falling in slow measure. “I can’t promise I’ll like it. I will listen to what you have to say.”

“I know it won’t change anything. There is a lot of things that I did, that I still don’t know how to talk about.” Ellie tapped her three fingers on her thigh, focused on the dark point in the doorway next to her. The longer she looked the larger it seemed to grow. “I dunno when I’ll get there.”

Dina put her hand over Ellie’s left one stilling it. Her thumb traced the faded bite mark. The residual numbness didn’t apply to Dina. Ellie’s heart stuttered at the touch. It was warm and real. No nurse could convince her otherwise.

“We all have a past we don’t want to talk about,” Dina halfheartedly shrugged. “It’s kinda part of this world.” She smiled down at them both. “I’m glad you’re at a point you want to try.”

A blanketing quiet settled over the three of them momentarily before Dina yawned, not bothering to stifle it. Ellie involuntarily yawned herself, earning a tired grin from Dina.

“Hey, d’you want me to put JJ to bed?” Dina looked her over. Demeanor changing, Ellie hadn’t stepped foot upstairs where she assumed Dina and JJ’s rooms were, out of respect. There was still a coolness to Dina when it came to her space and that was fine. Ellie might not care about her own living space as much as Dina cared about her own. Her door had always been open, even when she lived in the garage behind Joel’s. Two adults are allowed to have whatever boundaries they want. Still, it hurt sometimes to know she damaged Dina’s trust and faith in her enough she closed spaces off. The territory was uncharted, to know Dina as one person the whole time only to return to someone who she knew intimately yet not at all.

“No. I’ll take care of him.”

“Are you sure?” Ellie gently sat up, holding him tight against her chest, careful not to jostle him. “You’ve had a day. I don’t mind.”

“Ellie,” Dina sounded so tired, Ellie didn’t want to add to it. “I said I’ll take care of him. There have been worse days I’ve had to care for him.”

The implication stung. Ellie tried not to take it too personally. “Of course.” She lowered her gaze to the floor. Her thumb sweeping across JJ’s back in an attempt to slow the pounding of her own heart.

“I do have a question for you. JJ wanted me to ask.” Dina broke the tension. Ellie looked down at her son. The way he still fit perfectly in her arms. Face slack, finally able to rest. Lulled to sleep by the quiet conversation around him.

“What did he want?”

“If you’d join him at the Winter Dance this year.” The posters for the annual festival started popping up mid February, giving Ellie enough time to decide she wasn’t going to go. Those events were stupid. She preferred the summer solstice event. Bonfires and block parties were more her style. However, for them, she’d go.

“JJ should know by now I hate those things.” Ellie wouldn’t go without pretending to put up a fight. They both knew Dina had already won. This was a matter of pride.

“JJ knows you’ll cave if he asks. He just told me he’s looking forward to dancing with you.”

“Oh, I’m sorry are you telepathic now?”

“Yes and I can’t believe the thoughts you’re having right now. Holding our son no less.”

“Shut up. You’re lucky my hands are full.” Dina lightly pushed at Ellie’s head with a finger as she stood, gently extricating JJ from her arms. She pressed his forehead to the soft fabric of her shirt. JJ’s little fist coming to grasp at the hem.

“They’re free now.” Dina challenged.

Ellie chuckled and licked her thumb before wiping it across Dina’s forehead. Dina brows raised to her hairline as she silently mouthed an empty threat. One Ellie didn’t stick around for. As though she was running from a clicker, Ellie quickly, quietly moved towards the door. Checking over her shoulder with a low laugh as she observed Dina trying to figure out the best way to hit her without waking JJ.

“Ellie you little shit!” Dina hissed. Ellie shrugged with a pout trying not to laugh as Dina’s eyes narrowed at her. She ducked out of the house and jogged out onto the street laughing.

\---------

Barry had become a stalwart friend and she found herself confiding in him minor details about her past. Over the years there were few people she trusted enough to open up to. Few people that she trusted. Hell, even the people she trusted didn’t know much about her. After David. After Joel. Trust didn’t come as easily. Dina managed to barrel her way through any walls Ellie set in place when she first got to Jackson, Jesse soon followed. She’d never thought it’d be possible to trust someone who wasn’t family after Jesse. Jesse’s easy acceptance of damn near everything made it difficult not to like him. Barry shared that same easy quality, backed by an understanding of the horrors outside the relatively safe zone of Jackson.

After she attacked him at the party she could barely talk to him during their shifts. Despite all of his kindness and understanding about what happened there was a deeper part of her that believed he was hiding his true feelings about the incident. Barry didn’t give a fuck and he refused to let her hide from him. Coaxing her out of the corner she put herself in with equal measures patience and shit talking. Which is how she found herself spending a rare free afternoon in his basement, mashing the combo for Angel Knives ultimate into her controller for the third time in a row.

“Boosh!” Ellie shouted, pretending to shoot the screen with her finger, blowing invisible smoke away from the tip. “How’s going up against the master _turning_ out for you?”

“Alright, Alright! No puns.” Barry frowned at his controller. “Damn, how are you so good at this game?” Taking a swig from his near empty beer glass, he gestured to the screen where Angel Knives executed her finishing move on his character; punching a hole through his stomach and kicking his head off. The announcer calls out the Ultra Mega Kill before the game prompts them for a rematch or new characters, the blood red lettering blinking over the victory screen: Angel holding her enemy’s head aloft on one of her metal claws.

Barry sat back with a huff of disbelief, his hand clapping against his thigh with more force than she expected, her fingers twitched but she managed not to flinch. Sounds on occasion got to her when she wasn’t expecting them. Nothing had reached the level of the barn door slamming shut on her quite yet. She’d been working on management techniques with Esther just in case. She didn’t want to lose herself and hurt someone. Esther assured her that she wouldn’t and continued to help her realize that she was safe and could function.

“I uh, got to play back in Boston. Had a real good teacher.” Ellie softly mentioned over her shoulder. The warm haze of alcohol made her feel loose. Reaching over to the table she grabbed a handful of almonds and popped them into her mouth, crunching down with a hum. Barry candied them himself, the sweet salty flavor paired well with the lavender beer Robert and Jack had tasked them with testing, unofficially becoming their beer tasters.

“How about we watch a movie instead?” Barry ran a hand over his ponytail pulling the leather hair holder loose, letting his long, straight, black hair fall around his shoulders. With a groan he tossed his controller onto the worn oak table in front of them, picking up their empty beer glasses before standing and heading into the little kitchenette he had in his basement.

The room itself had been a personal renovation project for Barry when he found out he was going to be a father, wanting to give his child a chance to have a childhood he missed out on. He replaced all the walls and flooring. A decent sized TV hung on the back wall, framed by a custom shelving unit that held every DVD, tape, and video game a kid could ever want which worked out well, when he found Wendy was having twins. In the corner he set up a small tent for the kids to camp in with the dog during the winter months.

He re-stuffed the worn orange corduroy couch they sat on until it was easily the ugliest and comfiest couch in all of Jackson. A couch Ellie found herself passed out on after a movie on more than one occasion after a long day at work. Barry painted the walls to look like the castle interior from one of their movies. He was so dedicated to the project the bulbs actually screwed into handmade sconces shaped like torch holders. Sconce still stood as the funniest word Ellie ever heard.

The only exception was the wall next to the kitchenette, closest to the stairs, which had been painted with chalkboard paint Wendy found during a patrol, most of the paint went to the school, at Barry’s insistence she saved one for their kids. June and John had scribbled all sorts of doodles and notes over the bottom half leaving a thick layer of chalk dust on the board. Above that Ellie had drawn them both dressed as characters from their favorite game _Jak X._ The two absolutely freaking out when they saw her drawing art of Dr. Daniela Star one night when she joined the family for dinner. She would never admit it to him, the fact that Barry didn’t erase it, instead crudely drew a frame around it had made her feel warm in a way she hadn't experienced since the night Jesse took one of her sketches of him and put it on his parents fridge.

“Sure whatever loser, I guess we can stop.” Ellie waved her left hand in his face. “Since you can’t handle what I’m throwin’ down.”

“Gee, are you always this sportsmanlike?” Barry teased as he climbed over the back of the couch, giving her a good-natured elbow to the ribs, placing their new beers on the table.

“Of course! You saw those skills! I could be way more braggadocios.” Ellie smirked, avoiding Barry’s attempt to shove her.

“Ah yes, I must have missed the signs.” Barry drawled. “Oh! Before I forget, I got a surprise for you!” Barry leaned over the back of the couch, nearly falling over when Ellie retaliated by poking him in the side. “Be nice, do you want this or not?” Ellie shrugged and sipped at her beer. With a roll of his eyes, Barry handed Ellie a white box with a brown top taped onto it.

“What’s this for?” Ellie asked. It wasn’t her birthday.

“Do I need a reason to give my friend a gift?” Barry asked, chuckling when she shook the package, the contents bumping around inside had some weight to them. “You know you can figure out what I got you much more easily if you open it?”

“Let me have my fun.” She flipped Barry off and grabbed a flap, ripping off the tape and top in one go. Pulling out a comical amount of newspaper stuffed to keep Ellie from destroying whatever was in there, Ellie gasped when inside the box sat four figurines, action figures; Dr. Danielia Star, Big Blue, Dr. Uckmann, and The Nighthawk from The Society of Champions. “Dude, what!? How the fuck did you find these!?” Ellie pulled out each figure, gently inspecting them before laying them out on the table. “I didn’t even know they existed!”

“Found a house with them in the basement, when I went with Wendy to visit her folks last winter. I figured you might like ‘em since they’ve been sitting in my basement for a year. Who ever owned them before kept them in a case for some reason.”

“For real, why did you get me these?” Ellie turned over the figures, they were in decent condition for society ending.

“Dude, friendship doesn’t need a reason. You’ve been down ever since I saw you at the party.” Barry waved a hand dismissively. “Plus you’re the only one who would find these cool.”

“Cause they are cool.” Ellie defended, she pinched her fingers together. “You didn’t have to get my anything… I could have really hurt you. I should have better control of myself by now.”

“Whoa, no. Listen,” Barry pressed the off button on the TV remote. He turned to her, his face more stoic than she had ever seen. “Ellie I know you’re getting help and shit, but you can’t hold yourself to a standard like that.” Barry rubbed the stubble on his chin, the scratchy noise loud over the quiet of the room. He exhaled and unbuckled the leather cuffs on his wrists. Showing her the rings of scar tissue there. Ellie watched his face as he closed his eyes, opening them with a look of determination.

“I was real young when the outbreak hit. I don’t remember much of life before. Only everything after.” Barry stared into the blank TV screen, his gaze grew dark. “The government swept through the Rez we lived on. Took us to the Saint Paul QZ. We got lucky, many people refused to leave, so they just fuckin’ shot them. My grandparents…” He trailed off, fighting some battle within himself, tracing his scars.

“For a few years it was alright, but my parents… shit wasn’t easy in the QZ. Between constant harassment from the soldiers and living in an area with a high gang violence rate… they slipped into a real dark place. Eventually the ration tickets stopped. My dad got into some trouble with this local gang that was taking over. Called themselves the Hellsguard, they made life hell that’s for sure. To pay off his debts, they took me. The gang had some deal with the roving slaver caravans. They’d provide kids and women, the caravan would provide drugs and weapons.” Barry squeezed his hands on his knees, tipping forward a little. “I ended up being kept as the “entertainment.” Barry spat the word out as if it poisoned him. “They chained me to the back of the caravan and made me walk. That wasn’t the worst of it.” The disgust palpable as he faced her. His eyes were clear and present as they bore into Ellie’s.

She remembered the way the Rattlers tortured the living and the dead. Seemed being pieces of human shit was universal. “When I turned fifteen, I put a machete in every one of their fucking skulls.”

“Fuck.” Ellie took a sip of her own beer, trying not to imagine the way David’s blood glinted in the firelight as Joel pulled her away from the machete in his head.

“No shit.” Barry grimaced around the rim of his glass. “I’m at a place I can talk about it. But that’s the reason some nights I can’t sleep. The reason I cover my scars up. It doesn’t always get better, shit still happens. I have thoughts, I see shit that I wouldn’t wish on my many, many, enemies. That was years ago, and I can’t blame myself for one bad night. Otherwise I’ll end up right back in that dark place. Forgiving yourself sucks. If you work at it, it gets a little easier.”

“Still it’s so fucked up that you went through that.” She had the same level of tact when it came to solidarity that Joel had, she tried, but lord was it awful.

“I’m not there anymore, Ellie.” Barry gestured around grandly. “I’m here in a home I made my own, against all odds, with a kickass wife, two rad kids, and the kind of loyal dog they used to write books about.” He checked his shoulder into hers, her beer sloshing dangerously close to to rim. He laughed, calm and warm as though nothing weighed on him. “I have friends. I do work I enjoy, I never have to worry about starving. Look, man. I… I want you to know you aren’t alone. I fucking get it, dude. Ask Wendy, I’ve scared her a few times. Moving on? It’s like going back to a place you used to live. You visit, but that’s not where you rest your head every night.” Barry nodded at the figures in front of them, he brushed his hair behind his ear and lifted his beer with a small grin.

“Endure and survive, right?”

Ellie could feel the prickling of tears in her eyes. Her laugh caught in her throat. For the first time she thought back to the second night in the woods. How she had felt like the world was ending because she was still living. She understood now that moment was the beginning because she stopped trying to die.

“To the end of the universe and back.” She finished. They clinked their glasses together and each took a large gulp.

“Man, we’re such nerds.” Barry’s eyes glassy, the tears in stark contrast to the toothy grin he flashed her way. Phlegm crept down her throat as she observed her friend. She never would have been able to tell he had faced any of that.

“Jesus, Barry. I knew you were upset I won.” Ellie ran her sleeve across her nose. “But this psychological warfare is low even for you.”

“I can go lower.” He held her hand in his. Lips wavering as he schooled his face into something halfway serious. “I’m fucking glad you’re here Ellie and I’m lucky you’re my friend.”

“Oh, fuck off.” Ellie knocked her sneaker against his foot, pulling her hand back from his. “You’re so fuckin’ sappy.”

“Like a tree!” Barry chuckled. His eyes crinkled and his teeth shown. His happiness and growth stood as a beacon against her own darkness. “Now the big question is: Murder Massacre Part Two? or Point Break?”

\--- --- ---

They were playing on the floor of her RV with a few Savage Starlight action figures Barry had given her. Guilt still lingered over her for attacking him, even after their talk. Nothing made that drop in her stomach feel better when she thinks about how easily she could have popped his arm out. Or bashed his face in. She would work on with Maria she decided.

Right now, was hard to dwell on currently, not when she had her Potato to distract her. JJ was ambling around now, testing everyone’s stamina. Always on the move babbling to himself having little conversations. She loved pretending to understand him. He took great delight in their conversations and she took them very seriously.

“Hi, uck.” JJ hit her in the face with a headless Dr. Uckmann figure – the first thing JJ had done when she handed him over was smash the figure against the ground, the brittle plastic weakened with age – She had built a small city out of blocks for him to destroy, unsurprisingly JJ found it more entertaining to smash the toys against Ellie’s face.

“Good job, spud. That’s Dr. Uck. He’s in charge of the New Dogs.” She explained as she counterattacked by making Big Blue assault various ticklish spots on his neck and stomach. Her kid’s gotta get a head start on all the lore.

“No!” He giggled. Tiny hands grasping the invading plastic whale and directing it towards his mouth before Ellie moved it out of reach.

“Big Blue is not a snack, they are a very serious inter-dimensional being.” Ellie laughed, as he completely ignored the lore explanation she was giving him, crawling over her to try and get the toy for himself. She rolled onto her back scooping him up to her chest and lifting him above her with his favorite shuttle sounds. He couldn’t duplicate them himself so he blew raspberries, his spittle landing in droplets on her face. Their moment broken by rhythmic knocking.

“It’s unlocked.” Ellie shouted. Six people in Jackson knew where she lived, only one of them knocked to the beat of _Take On Me._ Sure enough the door opened and Dina’s warm presence filled the trailer.

“Hey goobers.” Ellie looked over at Dina as she closed the door behind her, face reddened from the cold. Ellie noticed the way the wind had freed a few strands of hair from her braid, making it wild and full of flyaways. Dina kicked the tips of her boots against the mat, knocking loose the light bits of packed snow from the treads of her boot sole, smiling over at them JJ laughing happily as Ellie lifted him up and down like a very squirmy dumbbell.

“Hey spud, Mama’s here.” Ellie held JJ aloft, moving him as she spoke in a silly high-pitched tone. “Sup, Mama?”

“What’cha two up to?” Her eyes meeting Ellie’s with a gentle curiosity. Ellie pressed JJ a few more times, before holding him up so Dina could press a kiss to his head.

“You know keeping fit. We _were_ playing Society of Champions if you wanna be Dr. Star?” She gestured with her head towards the toys on the floor. JJ began to wiggle himself dangerously in her arms. Ellie sat him down on her stomach only for him to roll himself off and waddle over to hug Dina. She groaned as he jammed a foot into her kidney.

“I’d love to, but I have my reputation to think of.” Dina crouched down, lifting JJ up to brush her nose against his neck. “Plus Maria is waiting for us.”

“No! Mama! No!” JJ cried, as he swiveled his head around to avoid her attacks. Dina stilled, eyes wide tears immediately welling up. Ellie propelled herself on to her feet with such force, the tower of blocks next to her fell over, clattering as they hit the wooden floor.

“He said what I think he said, right?” Ellie felt wild. A deep well of untapped adrenaline buzzed through her. The tears in Dina’s eyes affirmed she heard him right. JJ cocked his head back and forth between the two adults, seeing both his parents teary eyed clearly making him question what he had done.

“Mama?” He put a hand on Dina’s cheek.

“No baby. Mama is happy.” Dina choked back a sob. Ellie stood, her hands hovering near Dina, she placed her right hand on JJ’s back. Giving him a big smile which he immediately mirrored. He giggled, his small hand took hold of the sleeve of Ellie’s flannel and tugged. Tentatively, Ellie let her little spud pull her into their moment. He rested his head at the point where Ellie and Dina’s shoulders touched.

“Hey Mama,” Ellie spoke lowly into dark hair as Dina rested her forehead on Ellie’s shoulder. “Is this okay?” She wrapped her free arm around Dina’s mid back. Dina gently cleared her throat. Her head moved across her shirt and her skin making it hard to figure out if her response was a yes or a no. Ellie took a step back anyway only stopping when Dina freed a hand to rub between her shoulder blades.

“No, no you’re fine, El. Stay.” She murmured.

“’m right here.” Ellie whispered. She licked her lips before tucking her chin a little to stare down at JJ. He never took his eyes off of Dina, holding her shirt pocket with his hand. His brown eyes filled with so much love for the woman in her arms. How many moments between the two did she miss? She held them closer, peering at the ceiling and blinking rapidly.

“Gimme a sec.”

“S’okay.” Ellie’s hand circled over Dina’s back.

Outside the wind picked up, the RV creaking lightly. In the moment Ellie almost missed Dina’s inaudible whisper:

“This is everything I ever wanted.”

_Oh. OH._

Ellie’s chest tightened at the words. She wasn't even meant to hear them. This was big and special and entirely between the two of them. Would Dina want space to process? Ellie bit at a piece of skin on her lip with her teeth, as she tried to figure out what was best for Dina. She pulled away enough to look Dina in the eyes, watching her face for any signs of distress. “Do you, um, wanna talk another time? Maria and I can just do what we normally do.”

Dina sniffled. Despite the tear tracks on her face, she glowed. A happiness she hadn’t seen since JJ was born settled on the corner of her lips and in the gleam of her eyes. She searched Ellie’s face and swallowed. “You can’t get out of talking to me this easy.”

“We’re literally talking to each other right now.”

“Oh you’re going to be a smart ass, huh?” Dina leaned back further in Ellie’s arms, their hips the only point of contact between them. Ellie grew concerned as a wicked grin began to grow on Dina’s face.

“Dina.” Ellie warned. Dina ignored her, holding Ellie tight, wiping her snot and tears on Ellie’s shirt. “Ugh, what the fuck is wrong with you!?” Dina tossed her head back in delight. JJ clapped before copying his Mama, wiping his face into Ellie’s chest. Groaning in defeat Ellie broke the embrace, stumbling back until her ass hit the edge of the counter, gesturing in an affronted manner towards JJ. “Really, Dina. Is this the example you want to set for our son?”

“Oh stop, you big baby. You’re shirt’s fine.” Dina chided as she passed by to grab JJ’s winter coat and dress him.

Pulling her shirt out to assess the damage, Ellie could only see a dark spot where Dina’s happy tears had soaked into the shoulder. Ellie realized she overreacted, yet was unable to let it go. Fully committed to giving Dina shit. She yanked her flannel off and stalked over to her little dresser making a show of trying to match a new flannel to her olive green undershirt.

Dina walked over to her, JJ toddling close behind in his slightly too large puffed jacket. She took the umber and orange flannel out of Ellie hands, and pressed the shirt against her stomach. Ellie felt her neck flush. Dina’s hand flexed against her abs, Ellie valiantly attempting to suppress a shudder. Ticklish as she was, her muscles twitching at the touch anyway.

“You should go with this one,” Dina smirked, her eyes tracking up and down Ellie’s upper body before meeting her eyes with a quirk of her head. “It complements your eyes.”

Ellie’s brain ground to a halt, she placed a hand over the shirt, holding it in place, and nodded. Dina let go, not before her fingertips dragged lightly through the thin fabric of her t shirt. Ellie inhaled harshly through her nose. Body responding to the touch. Dina had to know what she still did to Ellie. No amount of separation would quell that desire.

She started when JJ loudly threw Big Blue at her feet, babbling up at her, before clapping and running off towards the other side of the RV. Dina pinned her with a wicked look, before following after their son.

“We’ll be outside waiting. Do be long.”

Dina opened the door, helping JJ down. The click of the door broke Ellie out her trance. Ellie stared letting out a long low breath. She felt like the heat shield of a shuttle burning up in the atmosphere.

“She’s going to be the fucking death of me, dude.” Ellie uttered to Big Blue, pushing her hair back with her left hand. She crouched down to pick them up, tossing the figurine onto the table where it landed with a thud. Dressing herself quickly, Ellie ran out the door.

The walk to Maria’s was light and filled with laughter. Dina kept giving JJ snowballs to throw at Ellie. He still hadn’t figured out the mechanics. His powdery ammo falling from his hands, getting nowhere. Dina stood behind him hurling snowballs of her own at Ellie, giving JJ praise and positive reinforcement on his throwing arm and giving Ellie a stern reminder that he needs enriching games for his development. When they reached Maria’s door Ellie dumped a handful of snow down Dina’s coat, scooping up JJ and ducking under Maria’s arm when she opened the door utterly confused by Dina’s screams.

\--- --- --- --- ---

When Dina went to the guest room to put JJ down for his nap Ellie began cleaning up the table, the dishes clattering against each other with each fresh wave of nervous tremors. Maria stepped behind her, taking a few dishes out of Ellie’s hands.

“What’s up, kid? Before you break my bad china?” Maria joked. When she didn’t get a response, she put a hand on Ellie’s shoulder, rubbing circles there to distract Ellie enough from the shaking of her hands.

“What if she hates me, Maria?” Ellie murmured, voice breaking.

“Then you deal with it.” Maria shrugged, leaning in next to Ellie. Her eyes trailed to the top of the stairs as she whispered almost conspiratorially, “But between you and me, there ain’t no way that girl can hate you. If she did, she wouldn’t be here.”

Ellie braced her hands on the counter top, exhaling low. Maria was right. Dina never wasted her time, never wasted her love, on people she didn’t care for. She’d dropped Sergei as fast as she could unholster a rifle, faster if it was even possible. Dina even took the time to calm Ellie down when inevitably she stumbled her way through an apology because she thought she had ruined something good for Dina. Dina had only chuckled, giving Ellie a gentle nudge with her elbow, and a quiet reassurance; “If he was good for me, he never would have gone after you.”

“Ellie, whatever you tell her today is going to help.” Maria crossed her arms. “Both of you.” She added.

Ellie swallowed past the lump that formed tight in her throat. She rubbed the pads of her thumbs along the knuckles of her pointer fingers, easing her breathing to something more normal. Short panicked breaths meant she was okay still, right?

“You two down here plotting against me?” Dina’s voice called from the bottom of the stairs. Ellie whirled around to face her, spine straight. She didn’t even hear the creak of the stairs.

“Oh of course. We have to plot now or you’ll be too strong to overtake later.” Maria joked, pushing her hip off the counter, so she could hug Dina again. “The little one down?”

“Yeah he’s out.” Dina returned the hug, smiling softly. She glanced at Ellie as she slipped over to the counter. “He’s had a busy morning.”

“Congrats, kids.” Maria’s smile was warm. “I have a feeling he’s gonna never shut up once he starts talking.”

“Kinda like his Mama.” Ellie teased, dodging the half-assed punch Dina threw at her shoulder.

“Watch it, or I’ll make sure you never know peace and quiet again.” Dina flipped her off and turned around to grab items from the cabinets above. A life where Dina and JJ were around to annoy her didn’t sound as Dina made it out to be. Her eyes followed the curve of Dina’s back as she pulled down three mugs. Ellie heard the clearing of a throat, eyes snapped up to Dina’s. “You in there, Ellie?”

“Yeah, yeah I am.”

“Do you want lavender or chamomile?” Dina asked, her back to Ellie, reaching up into the small cabinet about the oven where Maria kept her herbs.

“How do you know where the tea is?” Ellie wondered, stepping behind Dina. Dina doesn't answer right away, instead fiddling with the burner. A few a few seconds of clicking the gas caught and Dina put the kettle on.

“I actually come here often to visit Maria. She loves JJ.” Dina supplied. Ellie frowned, she never saw Dina around much when she was living with Maria. Her stomach soured at the thought of Dina dancing around her so JJ could see Maria. “I’m assuming you want lavender, then?”

“What? Yeah, lavender sounds nice.”

“Okay, go sit down. I’ll be right there.” Dina kept her voice low, her eyes measured Ellie’s response. Ellie noticed the smile she found didn’t quite reach her eyes. With a nudge of her hip Dina put herself in Ellie’s space, just enough for Ellie to understand it wasn’t an attack on her. Dina still cared. She also had to care for herself. “Ellie, I promise I’m not gonna run.”

Ellie took a left before the living room and ducked into the wash room. Splashing a handful of cool water across her face and neck, letting the gentle rivulets of water travel across her skin. Seconds passed and with it goes the strange spike of anxiety. Avoiding the mirror she patted her face dry with the pink hand towel hung next to it.

Dropping down on the recliner Ellie favored during their talks, sherested her forearms on the arms of the chair, crossing an ankle over her knee before she droppedher foot back down on the floor, leaning on her knees instead.Her feet bounced wildly to an unstructured beat. Maria crooked an eyebrow, amusedby her nervous energy.

Drawing a hand up towards her mouth with a deep breath, turning it over and drawing back down with an exhale, she reminded Ellie to breathe. Ellie followed the signal to breath and her limbs still just as Dina walks in with a tray of lavender tea. Both hers and Maria’s with a dash of milk in it. Ellie’s, without. Ellie smiled, appreciative of the gesture. Her heartbeat picked up at the shy way Dina pushed her hair behind her ear, and she forgot herself as she took a small sip of the tea, burning her tongue.

“Shit!” Ellie cussed. She blew gently on her tea and took a second sip that was just as hot as the first. “Fuck!”

Dina and Maria rolled their eyes insuch perfect synchronization, Ellie would have sworn they practiced.

“Smooth.” Maria teased. Ellie placed her tea down on the table and hid her face in her hand for a few seconds. The anxiety she had suppressed returning with more gusto than she expected. She peeked over at the two women sitting on the couch and a wave of nausea hit her.

“I don’t know where to start.” Ellie admitted. She flicked her pointer against the pad of her thumb rapidly. “I had this whole thing planned and now…” Ellie rolled her hands in the air unsure of what to do anymore.

“Just start at the beginning.” Maria offered calmly.

“Okay.” Ellie took a deep breath and started her story from the point only Joel knew about. “Okay. I guess this whole reason why I left started before Abby even came to Jackson. I uh told you guys I was bit, but I never told you I wasn’t alone when it happened.” Ellie shut her eyes tightly, transporting her back onto of that counter top. To the last moment in her life where she felt alive. “Her name was Riley. She was there too. We had this plan to ride it out to the end. Lose our minds together. Only I never did.” She’s resting her head on Riley’s shoulder wondering when it’s her turn for her breath to grow ragged. Barricading the door to the Halloween store when Riley’s wails no longer sound human. “We weren’t supposed to make it out, but I did and she didn’t.”

“They didn’t kill Joel for what he was smuggling. They killed him for who he was smuggling.” Ellie watched the crease between Dina’s brows grow until the words sank in and understanding dawned on her face.

“You. Joel was smuggling you.” Dina put her hand to her mouth. Her eyes wide, scanning Ellie’s face.

“Yeah. I became cargo after I went to the only person left I thought I could trust. I convinced my mother’s old friend Marlene not to shoot me as I stand.” The barrel of Marlene’s gun is in her face all over again as she tries to convince the older woman she’s not going to turn. She’s trapped in the dark, caged room Marlene threw her in for a week before she was certain.

“She was this Firefly, she had a deal with Joel and another smuggler, Tess: Bring me to this Firefly drop off in Boston. It was compromised when we got there. Like it even fucking mattered, Tess got bit.” Ellie held her head between hear hands, pressing her nails into her forehead. “Sacrificed herself after she was bit made Joel promise to finish the deal.” Tess is holding her gaze against Joel’s anger and all she can do is watch on and hope Joel doesn’t turn a gun on her. “He agrees.”

“We run into these brothers in Pittsburgh they’re looking for the light too.” The bitterness in her voice so strong it startled even her. “Shit goes south.” Sam’s jaw is snapping next to her throat, eyes blood red and gone and she can only hope that he wasn’t trapped in there without any control, that his fear never came true. Henry’s cries of pain echo in her ears. His brains splattering on her pack. She’s grabbing Sam’s robot and rolling them into a shallow grave. “Joel and I are trying to make our way to find Tommy. What we found was Maria’s rifle trained on us.”

Ellie opened her eyes and braved a peek at Maria. Her legs were crossed and she leaned heavily against the arm of the couch. Chin rested between her thumb and middle finger. Pointer finger subtly wiping at a tear tracking down her cheek. She’d already heard most of this over the past few months.

Dina however had never heard the full story. Ellie wondered briefly if she’d forgive her for holding it all in. Dina’s eyes piercing sharply on every movement Ellie made. Ellie’ felt naked and bare in a way she never felt with Dina, as though she had stripped off all her clothes and kept going until her chest was open and Dina could observe each pump of her heart. Ashamed, Ellie closed her eyes, took a shuddering breath, she pressed on.

“Joel and I fought, he wanted nothing to do with me. Changed his mind and we ended up in Colorado. No Fireflies.” Ellie scoffed. “Just a whole fuck ton of shitty cannibals.” She doesn’t elaborate, doesn’t have to. They both know this part of the story. David’s rancid breath passing over her face and she’s suppressing a gag before driving a machete into his skull. Hacking away cartilage and bone until Joel is there, arms around her. The anchor that keeps her from drifting into the darkness.

Ellie tasted salt on her lips. Continuing.

“Joel did what Marlene asked of him. Then Marlene asked one more thing of him. To save the world. To let me die.” Ellie’s face hardened as she opened her eyes. Her throat closed off, and she choked on her own words.

It was all pouring out now. This was the kind of emotional purge she had spent the last two years staving off, believing that it was for the best. That if she kept it inside it would protect the people she loved. All the caustic thoughts and memories that built up inside her, finally expelling out onto the floor. It hurt, and this was only the beginning. Parsing through gristle and rotting fetid meat, in search of a bone to pick clean. Until, what was left of her was a palatable display.

“So Joel killed every last one of them in the hospital. Including the one person who could have made the vaccine. There is no fucking cure because of me. I was the cure and my life means fucking nothing.”

“Ellie. It’s-” Dina began.

“Okay!?” Ellie lashed out, her body trembling and out of her control. Rising out of her chair she towered over the two women on the couch. Maria placed a hand out towards Ellie, the other on Dina’s knee, knuckles white, ready to intervene.

“I was supposed to fucking matter!” Her voice cracked, as her hand slammed against the back of the chair. Dina flinched, her gaze pained, the way it got back on the farm when Ellie couldn’t keep herself in check. Ellie sobbed, breathing in and out slowly. She couldn’t meet their eyes as she mumbled an apology. Guilt lined her lungs, suffocating each new breath like an acidic cloud.

How was this behavior going to show Dina she got fucking better?

She would fuck everything up if she let herself. She deflated, gasping unevenly as she slowly sat back down on the recliner. Her movements dragged, like she was wearing all her gear trying to climb out of the water, bogged down. Ellie covered her face with her hands, and offered up what was left of her to the only person she ever wanted to know her.

“I was supposed to be the cure and Joel, Joel took that away from me.” She barked out a laugh, foreign to her own ears. “So I took what mattered away from him. I kept my distance and I let him live thinking I didn’t fucking care about him.”

“That night at the dance? We talked, I was gonna try to forgive him. I think part of me had already, you know? I just wanted to keep feeling justified.”

“Just as we were about to fix everything, this past catches up with him.” Ellie looked up, eyes darker than the storm in Seattle. She could tell by the way Dina shifted in her seat, she still looked unhinged, dangerous. Back in the basement of the hospital, disgusted with her actions, unable to stop the pipe from coming down just once more.

“Now, I have purpose. I have someone who took the only person in my life that I knew I loved. If my death couldn’t matter to the world it could matter to him.” Ellie pulled at her stubs with the thumb and forefinger of her right hand. Wringing them to ground herself in the moment. To pause the spiral of thinking about how clear she felt in Seattle. Throwing herself into situations that ended up costing her so much. Knowing she was losing parts of herself, unable to stop.

“It felt so good, I felt purpose again. I _craved_ it. When you told me you were pregnant it was like everything was being ripped away. I was torn, yet I just fucking …” Her voice broke. Ellie squeezed her left hand tightly, gasping at the pressure before continuing. “I kept pushing for one more minute one more hour one more day, on the off chance I might catch Abby. When I knew I should have taken you home. Kept you safe.”

Dina didn’t move from her position. Arms crossed, eyes steely, observant. There wasn’t a damn thing Ellie did that Dina wasn’t seeing right now. Her face was wet. If it weren't for that Ellie wouldn’t know if Dina was even hearing what she was saying.

“In my head it was the only way to redeem myself. I’d killed so many people that didn’t deserve to die because of Joel. I wanted, needed it to mean something. Because if it didn’t mean anything, then I was a monster.”

And how could Dina ever love a monster?

“We got back and I had a kid I had to protect now and a girlfriend that I loved. Another chance. I tried to pour what was left into that farm. All the love in the world couldn't stop me from seeing his face everywhere. If I didn’t think about Joel. Fuck. It was like I held the club myself.” The guilt that being happy dragged her to the bottom of the ocean of sorrow where she sat alone, waiting for the pressure to flatten her. She remembered the first day she spent enamored with JJ she forgot Joel was dead. She couldn’t sleep for two days after that, “The day I left I left because I felt guilty, that I was alive, that I let Abby live and I couldn’t be in the moment like everyone around me, I wasn’t strong enough. I was hoping for my turn.”

“But it wasn’t me. I couldn’t stay that person. When I went to find her I kept wanting it less and less, I didn’t know how to stop. The guilt. If I let her live it was like I gave up on Joel. By the time I found her up on those pillars… you both know the rest.”

Ellie tracked her eyes up from the ground to observe her audience. Dina leaning forward, holding a hand to her forehead, blocking her eyes from Ellie. Maria’s hand on Dina’s back, comforting her with gentle circles. Ellie wanted her to yell, to cry, to say anything that would end the length of silence stretching over the moment.

Dina finished her own tea before getting up and gathering their mugs. She stepped carefully to Ellie’s side.

“I need a minute.” Dina whispered when she leaned over the table to pick up Ellie’s mug before disappearing around the corner to the kitchen. Dishware clattered in the sink. The sounds of water running barely hiding a soft sob.

Ellie swallowed the lump in her throat. Rocking in her seat. Her skin feeling to tight and hot for her body. Just as her vision started to get hazy Maria stood in front of her. Pulling her up into a hug. She kissed at Ellie’s temple.

“That took a lot for you to do, Ellie.”

“She hates me.” Ellie managed to get out. Maria shook her head and shushed her. Pulling back to hold her by her biceps. Thumbs digging in with a light pressure.

“Breathe.” The sounds in the kitchen quieted, Dina returned to the living room. Maria leaned close to Ellie’s ear, “She’s still here.”

“You okay, Dina?” Maria asked, hand on Ellie’s shoulder examining Dina. “D’you need me to check on JJ for you?”

“Yeah. Thank you, Maria.” Maria released Ellie going over to hug Dina instead. They whispered something to one another before Dina shook her head, releasing Maria who headed upstairs. “If I hear any yelling and that boy wakes up, you two are getting farm rotation for a month.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence.” Ellie shot back. She turned to face Dina, lip tucked between her teeth, hands trembling. Once more finding patterns in the laminate floor the most fascinating thing in the world.

Dina took Ellie’s hands in her own, the pads of her fingers soothing, quieting the tremors that gave her away.“You are so fucking stupid.”

“Never said I wasn’t.” Ellie tried to lighten the moment. Instead, Dina sobered. Letting go of Ellie’s hands to step back. Uncertainty painting her movements as she tried to find a place to put her hands. In the end she rested them on her hips.

“I wish you told me this a year ago. So I could have helped you. So we could we have fixed this.” Her nose flared, lips tucked into her her mouth. Such a gentle tone shouldn’t be reserved for someone who caused her this much pain.

“Could we have?” The response was knee-jerk, Ellie’s voice still raw with hurt.

“I don’t know Ellie! But you didn’t give us the chance to fucking try!” Angered, Dina extended an arm out. Her hand palm up and gesturing emptily to the walls.

“I know but I-” Ellie reached out with her right hand, letting it hover near Dina, before dropping it to her side. “I-”

“Ellie, stop. You already told me enough, I don’t need any more reasons.” Dina drew herself up, cutting an imposing figure in the afternoon light that filtered in the living room. “What I needed was someone who trusted me.”

“I Did! I trusted you... It just.”

“Wasn’t enough?” Dina interrupted. A loose floorboard creaked underneath her boot as she stepped harshly into Ellie’s space.

“Didn’t seem fair.” Ellie lowered her head, the truth catching in her lungs. “It wasn’t your job to fix me.”

“Of course it wasn’t fucking fair. I wanted to help. You shut me out. I gave you everything I could. I watched you slip away.” Dina pressed her fist to her mouth, suppressing a sob. “You went where I couldn’t go!” Dina’s words cut into Ellie. Standing helplessly as Dina ruefully wiped at her eyes with her fingers. Ellie realized where she fucked up. Staring up at the ceiling. Ellie cautiously held her hands out to her sides, then tapping them on her thighs.

“I didn’t want to burden you anymore.” The truth was out. Ellie watched as the harsh lines in Dina’s forehead dissipated, the taut press of her lips eased. Her shoulders dropped a fraction. Ellie waited for her to move. "I didn't want to be a danger to our family."

“Ellie, you could never be a burden to me.” Dina spoke with such sincerity it felt like a blade to her chest. _Well you’re burden now aren’t you._ The difference in how each of them coped with the world was glaring. Dina took Ellie’s hands in hers, bridging the gap between them.

And yet.

In the fading embers of Dina’s anger there was hope. There was still time to fix things.

“I’m gonna be better.” Ellie met her eyes, her grip tightened, trying to convey just how fucking serious she was being.

“I am glad you’re trying now. Trying for yourself. Thank you for including me.” Dina lifted a hand, pulling Ellie’s arm towards her with the other. Her fingers ghosted over the lines of the moth, tracing down the outline of the fern frond, coming to a stop at her thumb.

“Do you need anything?” Ellie’s eyes followed the slow sweep of Dina’s finger. She blinked slowly, meeting Dina’s cautious gaze.

“I’m gonna talk to Robin later.” Dina kept Ellie’s hand in hers, shrugging her shoulders. “I could use a hug now.”

“That. I can do.” Dina’s arms went to Ellie’s shoulders, and Ellie’s circled round Dina’s torso, their chests pressed together by the force of it. Dina rested her head on Ellie, head tucked so her lips brushed against the skin of her neck, breathing evenly. Several moments passed, neither willing to let go. Eventually their bodies synced up. They stayed that way until Dina’s pulse settled in Ellie’s chest, her own pulse beating in Dina’s lips.

Tears collected in Ellie’s eyes. To give this kind of love up so willingly? She’d been the stupidest person to walk the Earth, and if she ever set foot on another planet? Well, she’d be the stupidest person to walk there too.

“I’m sorry for everything I put you through, Dina.” Gently she angled her head forward until her cheek rested just above Dina’s ear. “You are the strongest person I’ve ever met.”

Ellie’s words settled over the two of them like ash from a forest fire. The scorched earth perfect for new life to burst forth and thrive. She felt a quick huff of air hit the spot on her neck by the collar of her flannel. Dina’s growing smile branded her like a hot iron where her face was buried in the crook.

“Oh, I’m aware.” Dina laughed, her voice cracking. A hot tear slid down Ellie’s collarbone. She felt it travel until it stopped on the edge of her shirt. Dina lifted her head, placing her chin on Ellie’s shoulder. “You’re a pretty close second though.”

\--- --- --- ---

The morning of the winter dance Ellie felt off. The happiness she felt for the past week felt too good to be true. Today for every happy thought she had, darker ones kept prevailing and the pattern only grew as time passed.

She promised to meet up with every one at the church, she still had a couple of hours to kill and the buzz underneath her skin made her vibrate with pent up energy she didn’t know how to direct. Ellie walked to the back shelf and pushed aside a small stack of comics she was collecting for Barry – a horror comedy anthology he had his eye on– and fished out two cassette tapes. One black with a faded white sticker, the other clear with peeling medical tape, still stained with dark brown fingerprints from flipping it over for what she thought would be the last time. “Riley’s Awesome Mix” written over it, in red ink. Ellie hit the eject button on the cassette deck of the old RV stereo. Switching out her Sick Habit cassette for the clear one. She shut the deck, pressed the large piano play key, and turned up the volume. The weather prevented Maria from moving the rest of the RVs into the new area so she took advantage of not having a neighbor while she still could.

The tape deck clicked, the tape wound itself through the reels, after a few seconds of static bright brassy trumpets sounded through the sound system around the RV. Ellie rubbed her arm over the scar tissue she hid under the wide wings of her moth tattoo. She shuffled into the living area, head bobbing in time to the funky bass line, and steady groove of the drums. Etta James powerful voice called out, grounding her in the moment. She went over to her couch and jumped up onto it as the song ramped up.

Rhythmically moving her limbs as her feet sank slightly into the cushions, she stepped to the side and clapped before stepping back the other way clapping again in time. Daring a couple of tentative hops on the old frame before resigning herself to a shoulder shimmy, body roll combo when the wood beneath her protested loud enough over the music she thought for a moment her feet would plunge through to the floor underneath.

“Shit.”

Letting herself get lost in the music memories of that fateful day bled into her. Together they found her Walkman and they fought for every last second of the tape, huddled together in the Halloween store until Riley’s skin burned to the touch, her breathing turned ragged and said her last coherent sentence-- “I knew you were something special, the moment I saw you.” --before Ellie had to lock her in with the fake vampires and plastic Skeleseers. When she went back for the gun, she discovered it was empty. The choice was an illusion Riley had loved her enough to give.

“Gotta stop making yourself sad.” Ellie sighed. Eyes closed, Ellie let herself be picked up by a long neglected memory. Of her best friend and her lying on the floor in the middle of her room at the military prep school, long past lights out. Each with an earbud in opposite ears, heads swerving back and forth in time to the song as they giggled together. Riley broke into her room to surprise her with a mix tape she put together as an apology for stealing Ellie’s Walkman when they first met. Though Riley insisted she was forced to make the tape because Ellie’s taste in music was the worst and if she ever stole the Walkman again she wanted to guarantee the music would be good.

The track changed taking the memory with it. Riley’s mix was an eclectic mess of music from all sorts of genres and time periods. Ellie was surprised at the range when a few of Joel’s favorites ended up on here. He even had a copy of the original album, ecstatic when Ellie knew the song. Sarah never shared the same taste in music, he told her once during a guitar lesson.

Joel loved the start of the track, a radio tuning to a new station, a distant guitar playing through car speakers the ghost of another moment in time. Someone coughs and begins to play alongside the original. The song grows departed from itself, Ellie finds the weary pace comforting, letting it strip away the fidgety energy that settled in her marrow.

“Wish you were here too, old man.” She sighed, threading a hand through her hair. Ellie hummed along quietly until her hunger made itself known, her stomach growling so loud she heard it over the song.

Stepping over to the mini fridge. She pushed aside a thermos of coffee Maria brought over last night and a few beers, to grab the sandwich Dina sent her home with after Robin’s birthday a week ago.

Unwrapping the brown paper, Ellie pulled up the top slice and sniffed. The meat didn’t smell bad, there were no signs of mold on the bread. Deeming it edible, Ellie took a large bite and debated washing it down with some coffee. Still not the habit of drinking it as Joel had been.

Living with Maria meant there were several mornings she woke up to a pot on the stove with a note saying to enjoy. Over time, she found that she hated the bitter drink slightly less. Still she didn’t understand why people ever obsessed over the drink, remembering how there seemed to be a fucking Ruston shop on every corner in Seattle.

She brought the sandwich over to her desk where she started to aimlessly doodle to kill time before getting ready for the dance. A giraffe outline. A few firefly symbols on the corners of the page. By the time she had forgotten the sandwich long enough, Riley stared back at her from the page. Her hair seemed too flat, her cheeks too sharp… Her eyes too lifeless. Too wrong. Crossing them out wouldn’t help anymore, she’d still know what she scratched out. She folded her arms, resting her head atop them. Staring ahead, she noticed her framed drawing of Joel. She reached out and put the frame face down. His eyes were too alive. Too wrong.

It’s already been two years, would she forget him in time too?

“Fuck.” Ellie scrubbed her face with her hands. Getting up, she dropped her journal on the coffee table, taking the last few bites of her snack... The rest of her sandwich didn’t taste like anything anymore. She tossed the brown paper in a bin, busying her mind with getting ready for the night.

Stripping down, she tossed her dirty clothes onto her bed, her skin prickling at the rush of cool air. She yanked her gray towel from the storage door handle. Stepping inside the small bathroom shower, Ellie pulled down the garden hose with a nozzle attached to it. She squeezed the handle, shivering as the first couple of bursts were far too cold for her liking. The heat track took a bit longer to kick in during the winter.

When the water warmed up enough, Ellie sprayed her hair down, rubbing some cedarwood soap on it until it frothed up enough she could cover her whole body with it. By the time all her soap washed down the drain at her feet so had the sour memories. Exiting the bathroom she realized the cassette had stopped at some point during her shower. Standing in silence gave her mind too much free space to roam. She should have argued about going to this thing more.

Rifling through her makeshift closet for something clean to wear, she picked out her least holey black jeans and a forest green henley that once belonged to Joel. She tried on three different flannels over the shirt before going with a blue so faded with was almost gray, it was one of the first articles of clothing Maria gave her that wasn’t Joel’s. She wore it once when she arrived, without the connection to Joel, she hated the way it tented on her, and hadn’t touched it since. When she buttoned it up she stared down at herself, it fit her well and proper, no longer falling off her thin frame. She rolled up the sleeves to reveal the shirt underneath, tugging the henley sleeves up an extra inch to show off the bottom part of her tattoo and the hamsa bracelet. Fiddling with the broken necklace clasp she used to replace the thin metal wire Dina used to keep it fastened until it sat right on her wrist. After a few months of eating properly and manual labor she needed something that allowed her to adjust the size to compensate for the steady growth of muscle in her forearms.

Her hair was still too short for a bun, but it was long enough up top to tie into a ponytail at her crown. She kept the lower part of her hair down and tucked behind her ears.

Ellie checked herself in the reflection of her window. Too dark to see the stranger she still avoided in the mirror. Nothing seemed demonstrably out of place. Content to say she probably looked alright, Ellie checked the clock, groaning when she realized there was least an hour before she had to leave.

“Ugh. What am I supposed to do for an hour?” Ellie bemoaned, sitting down at her desk chair heavily. The motion knocked her desk into the wall, jolting the records she kept in a milk crate next to the desk. A few records tumbled forward. One bright yellow cover with a few cartoon-styled pegboards and a black bird caught her eye. Her new guitar gleamed in the light next to crate.

“I mean I guess.” Ellie shrugged, pulling her guitar into her lap and set off to relearn the familiar chord progressions with her right hand.

When it was dark enough, Ellie made her way out towards the church. It was still bitter out and her breath came out in short puffs. Almost all of Jackson had funneled themselves along the main road through the center of town. She and Dina hadn’t attended last year due to JJ’s birth. In the year they were gone it felt as though the celebration had tripled in size. Powerfully bright shop lights had been strung up from business to business creating a glowing trail towards the church.

Around her kids darted between adults, throwing snow at one another, ducking out of the way to let an errant projectile hit a bystander behind them. Their screams of merriment mingled with the laughter of the adults watching them from their spots next to one of many burn barrels. Everyone had some sort of drink or food in hand. There were all sorts of games and food stalls set up. The air smelled of ozone and seasoned meats and veggies.

She accepted a warm arepa filled with cheese and steak from a man handing them out. The fresh, gooey cheese, complementing the warm seasoned beef and maize flour. The snack disappearing in a few bites.

Licking her fingers clean, Ellie dodged around a group of kids playing tag and ducked as a drunk man stumbled after them. Near the butcher shop she noticed they had made a small ice rink for people to push themselves across. A few teens kept slipping on opposite sides grabbing at each other when they met in the middle. Limbs flew as the grappled. It was unclear if they were trying to keep themselves upright or take each other down. Pure stupid fun. The kind of stupid fun she missed sharing with Joel. The kind of stupid fun she couldn’t wait to show her little Potato one day.

Ellie opened the doors to the church, steam rising where the heat rushed out into the cold. Tossing her jacket onto a pew by the door, Ellie made her way around the outskirts over to the make shift bar at the back of the church. It was the closest thing to quiet she’d find tonight. She propped her elbows on the edge of the bar and leaned back on them, observing. A large circle of people around the dance floor blocked out whatever was going on in the center. From the cheers and excited responses, there was probably some sort of dance off going on at the epicenter.

“You look like you could use a pick me up.”

Barry slid next to her, casually pulling from his flask. He held it out for Ellie to grab with a lopsided smile. She took a generous swig before coughing at the exceptionally harsh burn of the liquor, her eyes immediately watering.

“What the fuck are you drinking? Turpentine?” Ellie spluttered, holding out the flask like it was a bomb about to go off, practically scrubbing her mouth on the back of her forearm. Barry wiped a tear away from his reddened eyes.

“Oh I needed to see that.” He took a swig himself, grimacing. “This is the first batch of shine I’ve been making at home.”

“Well, fuck.” Ellie pushed at his shoulder. “I think you should go into the fuel business, cause you made gasoline.” Barry chuckled, taking another swig of his own his eyes watching the crowd in from of them. “Or at least give me some to make molotovs with. That shit could put a clicker pack down in one hit.”

“She’s an exceptional dancer.” He tipped his head towards the center of the church. Dina and her dance partner were of course the center of everyone's attention. Ellie’s pulse drummed in her ears as Dina was twirled and dipped.

The dance committee had pushed the pews and tables further back this year to make space for all the dancers that lined the floor. A dozen or so had left from earlier, but the floor was still full. Dina of course had become the central focus, doing some sort of salsa dance with a curly brown-haired guy from her dance class Ellie could never remember the name of. John? Jacob? Whatever his name was he was clearly more talented than Sergei. Where Dina went he was there to catch her. Their moves flashier than the couples around them who spent more time tripping over their own feet while they swayed back and forth.

“Yeah, she’s something alright.” Ellie leaned back onto the bar pressing her right fingers into the palm of her left to distract herself from the rush of heat to her face.

Ellie managed to pull her eyes away from Dina to the influx of new townsfolk evident in how warm the room was. She wouldn’t be surprised if the heat in the building had been turned off. Ellie pushed her sleeves up, it wasn’t stifling. Yet. She could feel the sweat forming on her brow from standing around. Though there was a chance the heat was exacerbated by the shot of straight fucking ethnol she took. She found Dina quickly in the crowd again. Flashing her teeth in a wide grin. Ellie’s body felt warmed from the inside out quicker than any amount of alcohol.

“You kiss her yet?” Barry asked casually, passing the flask to to her. Scoffing, she accepted it.

“It’s not like that anymore.” She frowned, taking another gulp. Wincing at the burn, she shoved the flask back into Barry’s hands.

“Pfft, bullshit.” He drawled. “I’ll eat my first born if it isn’t.”

“Chill out there, Cronus. She doesn’t owe me… any of that… I’m just happy she gives me the time of day.” Ellie watched as Dina’s dance partner lifted and twirled her in the air. The song ended and she pulled him into a hug. Ellie didn’t have the time to feel jealous, like there was some gravitational pull to where she stood with Barry. Dina’s eyes found hers. They were so bright Ellie ducked her head towards Barry who swayed on his feet, a smug “told ya so” plastered on his dumb, drunk face. “’Sides can you even tell your kids apart right now?”

“Of course, Just gotta ask which one was born first and I’ll have my answer. Speakin’ of, if the twins find out your here you’ll never get a dance in with her.” He scanned the crowd to his left, nodding towards his family. “I swear they like you more than me.”

“Yeah well when you can beat Crash Bandicoot, then you’ll earn their love.”

“Hey!” Barry looked at her, offended. “I found that game.”

“And I beat the final boss for them making me their hero.” Ellie flexed an arm in his face. “When you can take on Dr. Neo Cortex then we can talk.”

“I’ll take on a doctor.” Barry swiped at her bicep, missing by a foot. “I’ll take on anyone for my family. Even you.”

“What about Maria?” Ellie asked, as the woman in question approached. JJ bobbing up and down to the music in her arms. His hair was getting long and it fluffed out at the bottom behind his ears. In his little flannel and jeans he was starting to look like the toddler photos of Jesse Robin showed her after dinner one evening. He had Dina’s eyes, Jesse would have loved this kid to the end of the universe and back. Joel too. Ellie smiled at JJ, trying to tamp down the guilt slowly wrapping around her heart that she’d ended up alive to see this.

“Oh shit.” Barry sputtered, knocking his elbow into her as he clumsily hid his flask inside his denim jacket before standing up straight. “Maria, sweet party.” He tipped the brim of his white cowboy hat towards her, lurching slightly on his feet. Maria glanced to the high glass windows with a sigh.

Ellie shrugged in Barry’s direction, mouthing, “You’re on your own.” as she stepped past her friend, gently picking JJ out of Maria’s arms with a little “Hey, Spud.”

“Hi. Hi.” He replied, happily. Blowing a raspberry against her cheek. She dipped him in her arms, giving him a raspberry on his neck until he ask her to stop with a loud “No!”

She noticed too late his little blue and tan flannel shirt seemed to be covered in a strange orange substance. Upon quick inspection it was dried, for which she was grateful, she tried to look nice for once.

“Barry,” Maria held her hand out. Dejectedly Barry handed over his flask. Maria took a swig, completely stone faced, before handing it back to him. Barry stared at the brushed metal of his flask, almost reverently. Ellie’s brows shot up in surprise. “That medical grade solvent taste will disappear if you distill it one more time.”

“Fuck, you make shine?” Barry’s mouth going comically wide.

“Close your mouth kid. No one will believe you.” Maria smirked. She turned to Ellie, pointing a thumb towards a table where Robin and Cedric were sitting at. “You’re posted up over there. Unless you wanna help me keep the peace tonight.” Ellie hefted JJ up in her arms to rest him on her hip.

“JJ you wanna keep the peace?” Ellie consulted.

“No!” JJ giggled, his hands pulling at her hair. “Uck!” Ellie obliged, gripping him under his arm pits, she lifted him up over her head onto her shoulders. His arms hugged around her head as she braced his legs with her hands.

“Welp, You heard the man. No peacekeeping for me tonight.”

“Alright, you kids enjoy yourself.” Maria waved walking towards the back of the church.

“Dude, your Aunt is so scary.” Barry whispered at Maria’s retreating back. Ellie laughed, at the look of terror on Barry’s face.

“I’ll never understand why people are so afraid of a woman who cried at the end of _Housebreaking Rufus_ _._ ” Ellie kept her face neutral as she glanced over at Barry. His face glowing, like she had given him the greatest present in the world. “Welp, see ya round, dude.”

“Ellie!” Barry yelled after her. “Ellie! You can’t just drop that on me and walk away!”

“I can and I am!” Ellie called back, making her way over to the table Maria pointed out. Shifting in time to the music, mindful of JJ on her shoulders, he had taken to wiggling to the music, overjoyed at how high up he was.

“Looks like you got some sweet moves from your Mama, huh Potato?” He smacked his hands against her head, talking to her excitedly. “You’re right, Potato. She is prettiest when she’s dancin’.”

The two of them watched Dina whirl around for a few more minutes until JJ began to fuss. Ellie brought him over to the table next to where Robin and Cedric had taken to gently swaying in each other’s arms. They greeted her with a nod towards JJ’s highchair. She put him in his seat, sitting next to him in the corner of the church, making silly faces for a few minutes until the song ended.

“Ellie, have you eaten?” Robin asked as she and Cedric broke apart to sit down.

“I just got here.” Cedric clapped a hand on her back. His cheeks rosy.

“You have to try Robin’s pulled pork. It’s so good.”

“We had it for dinner last week.”

“Well, this one is better because it’s for the dance.” Cedric whispered conspiratorially.

“Ignore him, he’s letting loose for once.” Robin put an arm around Cedric, fondly kissing his cheek.

“I let loose all the time.”

“Farting doesn't count.” The two gazed at each other fondly before breaking out in a fit of laughter. JJ joining in from his seat.

“And on that note I’ll leave you kids to it.”

Ellie ruffled JJ’s hair before heading off to find some food. There were too many people between her and the table so she made her way to the outskirts of the crowd, bumping into Ms. Katie who tried to engage her in talk about the library. Ellie barely paid attention as soon as she saw a flash of white on the dance floor, smiling as Dina laughed at something her dance partner whispered in her ear. The sheen of sweat on her skin made her glow. Cast down from the heavens to bring light to the people of Jackson. Ellie forgot herself, in the way Dina tucked a lose strand of hair behind her ear, startling like a fawn, when Ms. Katie cleared her throat, politely asking her how she was doing.

With minimal embarrassment of getting caught staring, Ellie excused herself to the potluck table, picking up a plate and spooning a small portion of pulled pork onto it. Her stomach growled, she grabbed two rolls and lumped a spoonful of intriguing looking bean casserole on her plate. Foregoing whiskey, Ellie poured herself a glass of water. Too impatient to walk back to her seat, Ellie wolfed down her food in the corner, shoveling sweet pork and savory beans into her mouth with chunks of bread.

Tossing her plate into a bin, she heard a friendly ‘howdy’ ring out over the din of the crowd. She scanned the crowd, knowing full well the source of the greeting was from the man she wanted it to be.

They had gone above and beyond with decorations this year, in addition to the strings of white lights they usually put up, the decoration crew had also found some old winter decorations from an art store. Fake fluffy snow lined the tops of the pews and along the makeshift bar top. Paper snow flakes hung up around the room. She couldn’t help but think how Joel would enjoy them. He loved these stupid dances. With their stupid themes and their stupid social interactions. After all he was the one who brought back all the lights they used. Damn near broke his neck trying to clear out the holiday section of an old hardware store.

The first winter they spent in Jackson, they made decorations together for his first Christmas dinner in who knows how long, cutting out snowflake shapes from old magazines to hang over his mantle. Ellie didn’t understand or care really for the holiday. Old world traditions always felt weird, Santa made no sense, forcing each other to find gifts seemed kinda stressful. Whatever, it made Joel happy so it made her happy.

Winter had been harsh for her after Colorado, Joel’s attempts to warm the season up for her with traditions of hot cocoa, fireside conversations and the like didn’t erase the memories of smoke filling her lungs as she was thrust outside to get away from the gory remains of the man whose face she mauled. Still he had done his best for her. He had always tried to do what was best, even if in the end she hated him for it.

Ellie shook those thoughts from her mind. The crowd had thinned, even Dina had left the dance floor. She searched for her momentarily before she found her back at the table, JJ holding her face in his hands as he babbled enthusiastically. Her face comically expressive, clearly deeply invested in his little story. Her heart swelled at the sight, wishing she had the foresight to bring her journal with her to draw it. Instead she committed the scene to memory, slowly making her way back to her family.

“Ellie, hey!” Dina greeted her warmly, eyes dilated, not so subtly roving over Ellie’s body, biting her lip when she saw the bracelet. The motion made the hair on Ellie’s arm stand on end. Dina stepped closer, breath coming out in short puffs, the scent of whiskey still warm on her tongue. Ellie took the opportunity to check her out, her hair sweaty and escaping the fancy braided bun to frame her face. A rose colored polo shirt, the top half darkened by sweat, sat tucked into black jeans, which were tucked into her special occasion cowboy boots, shined for the occasion. Overhead the lights cast her in a soft glow. JJ stared at her reverently, and Ellie followed his lead. Dina deserved a stained glass window in her honor, the woman was truly worth worshiping in a holy house.

Dina hummed as she held JJ in her arms, swaying back and forth to the music. She stole Ellie’s cup of water and finished it off exclaiming heavily, “Fuck I needed that.”

“Mind if I cut in, since you’re so damn thirsty.” Ellie said as she reached out for JJ.

“Not at all.” Dina winked, kissing JJ on his forehead and handing him over to Robin at the table. Taking Ellie’s left hand in hers, Dina led them to the dance floor. Ellie slightly resisting the closer they got to the small throng of people. Some jaunty tune with a bright horn section played. Couples separating and rejoining with hands clasped, feet kicking in time. A few of them parting to let Dina and Ellie onto the floor. More eyes on her than she was ready for, Ellie grew uncomfortable.

“I meant with JJ, he’s closer to my dancing ability.” She added, surveying the area warily.

“You can dance just fine.” Dina maneuvered Ellie’s hands to her waist and placed her own on Ellie’s shoulders. A move Dina made plenty of times at the farm, whenever Ellie got too into her head. Resting her forearms on Ellie’s shoulders, she drew closer.

“You look nice for once.” Dina’s voice low, yet loud enough she could hear it over the brassy trumpets.

“Yeah well, JJ asked me to.” Ellie’s hands twitched on Dina’s hips. Her eyes kept drifting and refocusing on the spot where she knew Joel should be standing ready to step in.

“He should request it more often.”

Distantly aware the record played chords she spent hours learning for Dina. Ellie realized something was off. Dina’s arms didn’t register around her neck. Her words came through like she was underwater. Dina moved her face closer and Ellie started to sweat, her eyes searching over Dina’s shoulder, trying to get a decent breath of air into her lungs. Joel should be here. Joel should be here and if she wasn’t an idiot… if she hadn’t waited. If she’d just fucking talked to him.

_F_ _uck._

Ellie was spiraling. She needed to put some space between her and the moment before it became too much and she broke down in front of all of Jackson. Pushing it to the back of her mind. Acknowledging everything about it except how she felt. Like she’d always done.

“Ellie?” Dina stepped back her smile fading when she noticed Ellie gone rigid, carefully checking her over. “Ellie what’s wrong?” Ellie couldn’t feel her body. A stranger wore her skin. Dina cupped the back of her neck. Ellie jumped back, chest heaving.

“I gotta get out of here. Brain stuff, I can handle it. You and JJ keep having fun, okay?” Ellie twisted the hamsa on her wrist, trying not to claw at her skin. Dina watched the movement, not convinced in the slightest. Her mouth turned down.

“Ellie.” Her voice full of concern.

“I’ll be fine I promise.” Ellie interrupted. The last thing she wanted to do was ruin Dina’s night. She could handle this. She just needed space. Ellie let go of Dina, hustling to the back to gather her things.

Maria ran into Ellie as she was shoving her arms into her jacket, a silent question in her eyes.

“I’m a little overwhelmed right now. I’m giving myself space.” Ellie put her right hand on Maria’s shoulder. “I promise I’ll be okay.” Maria hummed, lowering her head a fraction.

“I trust you, kid.” Maria mirrored her position, putting her hand on Ellie’s shoulder. “You’ve come such a long way. I’m proud of you.”

Ellie scratched behind her ear, rubbing her nose against her free shoulder there were too many things she wanted to say. Maria dropped her hand pointing a thumb towards the dance floor.

“If you need me I’ll be here. Peacekeeping.” Maria leaned forward speaking in a hushed tone. “If you need a safe place tonight, my door’s unlocked. Your room is open whenever you need it.”

“Okay.” Ellie pushed the door open, taking deep breaths, mentally following every cool intake of air down until it filled her lungs, as she made her way home. The walk calmed her enough to process what she was feeling.

It would be two years tomorrow Joel had been gone. Ellie couldn’t believe it. It felt like it had simultaneously been decades and weeks since he passed. His face might not haunt her the way it once did, but tonight his tearful smile was so hard to get out of her head. Seeing him whole on the porch. The steam rising from his mug of stupid coffee. The uncertainty of what was going to be said as she went up the steps. Of course she had practiced what she was going to say in her head. That version was angrier, laced with self-hatred, and grief. Of course she shouldn’t have tried to figure out what she was going to say all it did was put her on edge.

By the time Ellie opened up the door to her RV she felt more upset about leaving than she did about her panic attack.

“It was a stupid fuckin dance.” “Ellie shuddered, releasing a breath she’d been holding since the winter cold hit her face. Her eyes found Joel’s frame where she left it face down on her desk.

“Sorry, old man.” She flipped it over. Setting it down on the desk proper. She grabbed the thermos of coffee from the fridge. After she tucked the canister under her arm pit, Ellie grabbed the black cassette off the bed, pawing through her sheets for the earbuds.

“Where the fuck did you go?” She threw the rumpled mess to the side, before she remembered she had left them on the coffee table. “Right.”

Ellie took the few steps to the table grabbing the tangle of earbuds off the painting she had been working on. Some attempt at abstract art, more feeling than anything. Inspired by JJ’s carefree approach to smearing color as he pleased. While his works tended to mix colors on top of each other until they turned brown, Ellie had used a gray base before adding layers of blues and greens. Letting each layer dry before adding a new one with purples, pinks and oranges. The last layer she had added a smattering of white acrylic letting it harden in rough peaks and valleys, before she covered her brush in deep red pant and flicked it over the bottom left corner. The feelings she felt during each layer showed in how aggressive or gentle each stroke was, how much paint she used. She ran her hand over the top to see if it had dried yet, it had been almost twenty-four hours.

“Shit.” One glob of red paint hadn’t finished drying, she accidentally smeared it an inch on the canvas. “Well I guess that’s part of the painting where I felt like an idiot.” She moved the painting over to her desk, under a lamp. Without thinking she scratched her cheek, “Ah fuck!” Her finger pulled away cleaner than before. She shook her head at herself. “Whatever.”

Rounding up her supplies, Ellie shoved them into her jacket pockets. Shutting off the lights, Ellie headed towards the cemetery, climbing over the wall she dropped down next to the gate that sat furthest away from Joel’s old place and closest to his grave. The snow hadn’t melted completely, most of her landing was absorbed by her face and hands when her feet plunged through the inch layer of ice and her shoe caught on the lip of the hole they made when she tried to take a step. The thermos skittered away from her and for once in her life she was glad she listened to years of Dina’s complaining about how she never wears gloves, as she pushed herself up.

“Fucking graceful.” She walked over to where the thermos had gotten caught on the white fence that encircled and divided various plots. It had rolled right in front of Joel’s grave.

“Fuck, Joel. I know you have to have this shit, but wait two seconds.”

Ellie noted the amount of flowers surrounding Joel’s grave. Jackson had taken a shine to him as much as he had taken to the town. They knew nothing of the man she did. To them he hadn’t been a hardened smuggler, or a vicious former hunter. He had simply been Joel; the quiet man that loved to play guitar, and carve wood. A man who loved his family, who they could trust to protect them from the horrors outside the wall. Someone had left a small granite stone on the top of his grave, she tried not to knock it off as she stepped over the flowers to the only open spot. Ellie leaned against the back of the stone, hugging one knee to herself and stretching the other leg out in front of her. Pulling out her earbuds, she detangled them before she placed one in each ear and plugged them into the headphone jack of her Walkman. Popping the lid off of her thermos she took a large gulp of coffee before pouring a little out on the ground creating a murky brown puddle. A soft snort escaped her.

“I want you to know I don’t see this as a waste of coffee, old man.” She closed her eyes and imagined him, mouth agape as he chastised her for wasting his precious bean water. His face was whole and smiling, like it had been on her birthday, like it had been when she returned from her first patrol, like it had been before they grew apart. Ellie choked on a sob, her breathing labored as she rested her forehead against her knee. Eyes closed so tight stars burst up behind her eye lids as though she had taken a blow to the face.

She felt for the largest of the three buttons and pressed play. Mission Control guiding her down from the pain she felt. Her breaths becoming more even as she came back down to Earth to herself. She felt a gentle hand nudge her side startling her back to Earth.

“Ellie!? Ellie!? Are you okay?” Dina’s voice was frantic. She knelt by Ellie’s side, her thumb running over the spot next to her eye.

“What?” Ellie pulled out an ear bud, pushing her hand away from her face. Dina held her hand covered in red paint Dina’s eyebrows pinched together in worry eased up when she got a good look at Ellie’s face.

“Are you okay?” Her eye’s traveled to the thermos next to Ellie. She grabbed it and took a swig, spitting out the cold coffee with a gagging noise, wiping her lips harshly on the arm of her jacket. Despite herself Ellie laughed at Dina’s surprised face. Lips curled in disgust. “Fuck that’s disgusting. I thought you were out here drinking yourself to death and now I’m more worried that you’re drinking coffee you didn’t spike.”

Last year, Dina wanted to visit Joel’s grave. Ellie couldn’t do it. Instead spending the day in a drunken stupor. Recklessly going off to hunt with the warm haze of alcohol thrumming along her veins while Robin watched over JJ. Dina had been so upset at that. Obviously breaking into the cemetery to find Ellie slumped over herself, unresponsive with a thermos of unknown liquid in it with something blood red on her face would have caused her to worry.

“Naw, not this year. I uh, was having coffee with Joel.” Ellie winced, putting it that way sounded so stupid aloud.

_Yeah, when I’m sad I come out here and talk to Joel like he is alive, real sane stuff huh._

“Coffee? Who are you and what have you done with Ellie?” Dina playfully accused. Sitting herself down in the small space, her thighs nearly pressed against Ellie’s.

“I know what this looks like and I can explain.”

“Go on.” Dina raised her brow expectantly.

Ellie glanced down to the Walkman in her lap. Pushing herself slightly closer to Dina she offered the right earbud. Dina took it, giving Ellie a weird look as she put it in her ear. Ellie rewound to the beginning, pressing play.

“It’s uh,” Ellie licked her lips. “It’s better if you close your eyes.” Dina looked to the sky and did as she was told as the crackle of the audio recording kicked in. Opening her eyes and looking at Ellie in awe. She had listened to enough drunken late night rambles about space and aerospace to know what Apollo and Houston meant.

“Ellie?” Her eyes furrowed, a disbelieving look in her eyes. Ellie met her gaze and Dina blinked slowly. “This doesn’t explain the coffee thing at all.”

“Fine, close your eyes, dick.” Ellie huffed. Dina chortled, closing her eyes. Ellie took her hand a placed it on top of the thermos. “Okay, you’re in a big space module, this is your joy stick.”

“Kinky.”

“You wanna do this or no.”

“Sorry, El. Continue.” Dina bit the inside of her cheek making the effort to be serious.

“Okay you’re in a space module, there are hundreds of buttons and switches lit up before you. It’s nineteen sixty-nine and you’re on your way to the moon.” Ellie grimaced at herself. Riley made it seem easier than it was.

“I am in a space module, it’s a good year for oral, and I’m on my way to the moon.” Dina repeated cheekily, brow pinched together, lips tucked into her mouth, somberly nodding.

Ellie walked her through the rest of the scenario. When the countdown began Ellie gently shook Dina’s shoulders increasing in intensity as Mission Control grew closer to lift off. Even though her eyes remained closed, Ellie knew Dina was doing this more for her sake than she was actually enjoying it. Dina’s lips thinned as she tried to keep her expression neutral. A visible stream of vapor leaving her noise as she exhaled quietly.

Appreciating her effort to take the moment seriously, Ellie studied the planes of Dina’s face as if she were landing there on the dark side. Her eyes closed, long lashes fluttering over a smattering of freckles. Her eyes darting back and forth across the dark expanse of her eyelids, as she imagined whatever she was experiencing. Dina seemed younger, less exhausted, her face softened. She was the moon and Ellie wanted to land into the sea of tranquility.

She couldn’t, it wasn’t her place any more. Instead, Ellie observed her as if she was Michael Collins, floating alone in the command module as Armstrong and Aldrin touched down on the surface. Experiencing the beauty of the moon up close, after years of seeing it hung in the sky. Did his heart beat this fast when he was able to appreciate such beauty unhindered?

“You really going to make me close my eyes so you can stare at me, huh?” Dina kept her eyes closed, her smirk prominent. Ellie ducked her head away clearing her throat. “That was pretty cool. Where did you get this tape?”

“Joel...for my sixteenth birthday.” Dina opened her eyes, lamp light catching within them, scintillating like the stars above.

Ellie read a book about an astronaut who lived on the Space Station for a year once. They described the moment the hatch opened and they saw Earth from space. Overwhelmed by a deep sense of awe and wonder their whole perspective shifted. Realizing how small and insignificant the planet was in the face of space. Seeing it between the moon and sun among the stars, it stood as a reminder to be softer and kinder upon reentry. Staring into Dina’s eyes Ellie couldn’t help but relate to that sentiment. “It’s my favorite.”

“Ah, and here I thought my gift of paper crowns was your favorite.”

“Close second.”

“Thank you for sharing that with me Ellie. It almost made up for nearly poisoning me with coffee.”

“You chose to drink that, I didn’t make you.”

“And yet, you did not stop me.” Dina lifted her head off of Ellie’s shoulder, “You poisoned me.”

“You are infuriating.”

“Fuck.” Dina rubbed her hands together. “El, It’s cold as fuck out. Can we continue this conversation somewhere I can feel my ass?” Ellie bit down on her tongue trying not to joke how she could warm her ass if needed.

Ellie fought the fuzzy feeling in her legs when she stood, wobbling for a fraction of a second before offering a hand to Dina and pulling her up. Dina had more momentum than either expected and she ended up with her hands braced against Ellie’s shoulders, who had dropped her hands to catch Dina around her waist. Ellie licked her lips reflexively. Slowly as if it pained her just as much as it pained Ellie, Dina let go.

“You good?”

“Yeah, might actually be a little tipsy still.” Dina was red in the face, one could argue it was due to the cold though.

“I’m impressed you made it over the fence.” Ellie picked up her stuff.

“You do know you can pull the gate out far enough to slip through right?”

“Pfft yeah, of course. Climbing is way more fun.” Ellie deflected.

“Just admit you didn’t know.”

“Never.” Ellie held the gate apart so Dina could get through, slipping out after her, secretly grateful she didn’t have to pass by Joel’s house. Tonight it had been dark and lifeless, no lights turned on, no smoke rising from the chimney. It made sense with the dance going on, yet it didn’t stop part of her from taking it personally. She’d grown to find comfort in the steady flow of smoke just beyond the walls on the nights she came out here.

They walked the streets of Jackson in companionable silence. The world was covered in a thin blanket of snow which crunched softly beneath their shoes. It made everything outside their bubble feel muted. It reminded her of another, more painful time. Where guilt would choke her when her thoughts turned to the present. She was healing. She could exist here.They passed by the entrance to the main road, the festival still lively and joyous.

A few people screamed as an ear-splitting gunshot rang out from somewhere to her left and the magic of the moment destroyed. Ellie pulled Dina behind her, crouching into a defensive position.

“Ellie it’s the generator backfiring.” Ellie barely registered those words as a second shot rang out and Joel’s head slammed against the floor.

Ellie gagged as the pressure of two sets of hands pressed her face into the cold ground, knees digging into her back. Warm, putrid breath in her face as she struggled to shove her captors off. Her eyes open and with it comes the thunder in her ears which can no longer drown out the ringing. She can’t beg loud enough for Abby to stop. The head of the club buried itself in Joel’s head one final time, her eyes won’t close any more, forcing her to watch the life drain from Joel’s eyes and his body still.

_You aren’t there any more. You’re safe._

Her arms remained pinned at her sides preventing her from stopping any of the horrors from happening all over again. The storm inside her head raging, knew she had to find the eye. Center herself there and ride out the rest. Some part of her brain knew this wasn’t real, that Joel was already dead. Her mind and body felt detached, almost as if she was observing herself from over her own shoulder, watching on in abject horror as she continued to witness Joel’s death. That break reeled her in enough she could separate from the moment. Ellie turned her focus on to what she knew was real, the pressure of Dina’s hands on her shoulders. The scratchy material of her jacket underneath her finger tips. The way her breath smelled vaguely of coffee.

Finally managing to open her eyes, Ellie surfaced.

“I’m here, I’m okay.” The words came out in tight breaths. Her hands found Dina’s shoulders, and rested there.

The vision faded. Her whole world became a vision of Dina. Worry lines scored her face. Dina sat on one knee in the thin layer of snow next to her, holding her up, never wavering. A few heavy shuddering breaths later, Ellie was back to herself. Safe in the walls of Jackson.

“Ellie?” Her voice was so soft as if Ellie was made of glass and anything too harsh would shatter her.

“Fuck!” Ellie managed, slamming her left fist against the ground. Pain reverberated up her arm, and she hung her head. Ashamed she freaked out the way she did. Dina pulled her hands away from her sides holding them in her own. Ellie turned her head away, breathing in through her nose and out through her mouth, focusing on the way her breath vaporized in the cold air and dissipated.

“Hey, hey. It’s okay.” Dina gripped her hands tighter.

“I’m sorry, I’m frustrated.”

“El, there is nothing to be sorry for.” Dina cupped her face, her thumbs brushing along her jaw in even strokes. “It was the generator. You didn’t know.”

Ellie’s body deflated into the touch, letting the warmth of her palms seep through the fabric of her gloves, resting her hands around Dina’s wrists. It had been a month since she woke up screaming, or found herself running down a never ending set of stairs, Joel’s screams behind a door she’d never reach.

“I thought I was better.” Dina’s lips curled, her nose flaring, as she directed Ellie’s face gently to meet her gaze.

“You are.” Her tone left no room for an argument. “I can see that you are.” Ellie gritted her teeth, trying to hold back the disagreement on her tongue. She wanted to argue that if she was better that she shouldn’t be having these episodes anymore. Dina was right, a year ago she could barely make it through a week without some sort of flight or fight response. Barely present in her own life. “You calmed yourself, can you stand?”

“Yeah, yeah. Gimme a second.” Ellie brushed her hands on her pants, shutting her eyes. There was nothing there. Dina helped her up. A sad smile on her lips.

“Take your time.”

The rest of the walk back Dina slipped a finger in Ellie’s jacket pocket. Something she started to do to comfort Ellie when Ellie’s hands were full with JJ when they went for walks on the farm the spring after he had been born. Ellie, terrified of hurting him somehow if she held him wrong, refused to use one hand to hold him against her chest in his little sling until he could hold his head up on his own. A subtle way to be present for her without it feeling overbearing and out of her control.

Ellie opened the door to the RV. Trying to regain some sense of herself she ushered Dina in with an exaggerated bow. Ellie hung her jacket on the back of her desk chair, Dina folded her own jacket up on the couch arm, sinking onto the cushions to remove her boots.

“Did you want something to drink? I don’t have much. Just water really.” Ellie asked, untying her own shoes.

“No coffee please.” Dina teased. “You owe me a dance by the way.”

“Do I now? What if I play a song instead?”

“Tempting.” Dina put a finger to her chin, tapping as though she was actually pondering the offer. “I’ll consider it.”

“Did you want beer?” Ellie questioned. Dina’s demeanor sobered, head shaking.

“I’m good for now, El. Come sit?” Dina moved over on the couch, giving Ellie a sad half smile. “I had a thing I wanted to say.”

Ellie wiped her chin on her shoulder, carefully stepping over to the couch. Dina faced the coffee table, Ellie mirrored her position, staring at the stove. They sat in silence for a few minutes. Dina’s calm breaths the only sound cutting through the quiet until she found her voice again.

“I was so pissed you left.”

“I didn’t think...I was overwhelmed.” Ellie peered over at Dina.

“Not tonight. At the farm.” Dina picked at a loose thread on the couch. Snapping it off and rolling it between her fingers. She flicked it off to some corner, sheepishly shrugging when she realized what she did. Ellie watched Dina struggle to speak, considering and reconsidering her words.

“I thought about what you said at Maria’s. How you felt going after Abby. When my mother was killed all Talia wanted was for me to sit Shiva with her. To say our people’s prayers and mourn. How could I? Not when the fuckers who murdered my mother still walked the earth. I questioned my faith, what kind of world takes a kind woman. I started to pack. Talia caught me. We fought. She held me and told me, “We do what we must to survive because if we die, they die with us.” Dina’s lips quivered. Ellie brought her left hand to Dina’s back, offering comfort the only way she felt equipped to give.

“Tearing yourself apart isn’t going to bring anyone back. It’s not about dwelling on loss for me, Ellie. It’s about celebrating life. It still hurts, you have to let yourself hurt. Then, you have to understand your sorrow stems from loving a person, and a life filled with ups and downs. You honor them with your life. We keep them alive with our stories and memories. No one is truly dead unless we let them die. That’s why I talk to JJ. He doesn’t understand yet. Those stories are for me so I can get through my day. Remembering people doesn’t make us weak. It doesn’t have to be a grand gesture. Little bits of love add up in time.”

Ellie considered the little things, Dina’s cactus charm, the hamsa, the wind chimes she saved from Joel’s house. All small items that passively kept someone alive. She’d done it too without realizing it. The cassettes, Sam’s robot, her mother’s letter.

Ellie rested her forehead against Dina’s shoulder. A million thoughts running through her head. She wanted to say them all aloud. Wanted to put into words the deep trust she felt for the woman walking her through her pain while bearing her own with such grace and determination.

Slowly Ellie got up and went to the overhead cabinet next to her desk, taking down four journals. The journals had never been broached before by anyone other than Ellie. The words only seen by her and her alone. Even at the farm she’d close the cover on whatever she had written down if Dina approached her. Dina had never bothered her about it, accepting that there would be a part of Ellie she’d be closed off from. After everything they went through, Ellie was tired of hiding behind a mask. She returned to her spot next to Dina and placed down a pale pink book, stacking a sky blue one on top, “Those are from my first few years in Jackson.”

The next two journals, a forest green notebook and a faded cobalt notebook, both covered in blood and dirt. “These are the past two years until I came back.”

“That one in front of you.” Ellie swallowed heavily, pointing to the maroon book where Riley looked up half finished. That’s from this last month. I’m not good at talking. I’ve always found it easier to write things down… I trust you. If you want to read them, I’ll leave them out for you.”

“Ellie-” Dina started.

“I want you to know all of me.” Ellie rushed out. She palmed at the back of her scalp nervously with her right hand. “I don’t want to shut you out anymore. I want to show you all the broken parts of me. And if you’ll let me, I want to see yours too.”

Dina scooted forward onto the edge of the couch, letting her hand fall to Ellie’s knee, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “You don’t have to force yourself to do this.”

“I’m not. You can read them or not, that’s your choice.” Ellie covered Dina’s hand with her left one. Dina flipped her hand, casually intertwining their fingers as best she could.

“She’s pretty.” Dina reverently touched the graphite that made up Ellie’s memory of Riley, gently tracing over Ellie’s pencil strokes.

“Sometimes I’m not sure if I remember her right.” Ellie admitted. Riley’s image felt sickly, hollow. She couldn’t remember where the twinkle of mischief went. Ellie touched her right finger tips to the paper, following the path Dina set out over the illustration; over Riley’s hair, down her cheek, Ellie’s fingers stilled when they reached her lips. They had been so chapped when she kissed her.

“Remembering is important, you can honor them in other ways. It’s not the end of the world if you’re happy.” Dina paused, her eyes crinkling up at the corners. “My mother used to sing and I might not remember her voice perfectly anymore. I remember she could fuckin’ sing. In another time she’d have a record.” She nudged Ellie. “I’m not as good as she was, but I still sing.”

“Is that what you were doing?” Ellie joked, trying to break from of the clawing despair escaping the nest it built in her chest. Dina chuckled softly to herself.

“What’s so funny?” Ellie cocked her head.

“Joel lives on in you. You might not be his kid by birth, you’re definitely his kid. You’re both strong, resilient, and kind.” Dina smiled at some memory before continuing. “Both awkward as hell when you try to comfort someone.”

“Excuse you, you dick.” Offended, Ellie let go of Dina’s hand. “Joel, maybe. I’m comforting as hell.” Dina broke, holding her sides even though it was entirely unnecessary. “Hey now. It’s really not that funny, Dina. Come on.” Dina’s fit abated, she licked her lips before meeting Ellie’s eyes.

“You both play beautifully.” She added with a growing smile.

“Ah that’s why you’re really here.” Ellie rested her head on the back of the couch, closing her eyes she returned the smile. She didn’t expect to ever share a smile with Dina again, there were so many now. Ellie tried to stifle a yawn. Despite the lateness of the night and the exhaustion in her bones, Ellie didn’t want the night to end.

“I’ll get my song and dance one way or another.” Dina said, a conspiratorial lilt to her words. “Tired?”

“Mmm, a little.”

“I guess it’s bed time then.” She heard Dina shuffle next to her, the quiet ruffling of clothing. Ellie cracked an eye open, peering at Dina who was untucking her shirt, pulling it up over her head, revealing a white tank top and a soft sliver of olive skin. Ellie’s stomach tightened, suddenly interested in examining the moldy spot on the ceiling above her head.

Ellie cleared her throat, “Usually when you leave you put clothes on?”

“I’m staying,” Dina faltered. “If that’s okay with you.”

“JJ?”

“Is staying with Robin and Cedric tonight. I put him to bed before I went out to find you.”

“You don’t have to-”

“Ellie, I’m not leaving you like this. JJ is staying with Robin and Cedric.” You don’t have to be alone. You can ask me for help.”

“Okay.” Ellie let Dina wash herself up in the tiny bathroom first, before scrubbing her face with cold water, calming her mind. Dina wanted to make sure shes alright nothing more. She took off her over shirt and unbuttoned her jeans. When Ellie exited the bathroom, her eyes passed over Dina who sat cross legged on her bed. Wearing nothing but her undershirt, a pair of rose underwear, and an achingly tender smile. Heat rose on Ellie’s neck forcing her to busy herself with finding an old pair of sleep pants she no longer fit comfortably in. Tossing them at Dina’s face with a halfhearted excuse, “It gets cold at night.” Dina tossed her braid over her shoulder, her eyes narrowing.

Ellie could hear her put them on as she grabbed her own jacket and walked over to the couch. She laid down and covered her torso with the jacket. It’d be enough to get through the night. Not like she’d be sleeping much.

“What are you fucking doing?” Dina tapped a finger on her knee.

“Uh, You’re my guest?”

“I’m not letting you sleep on the couch and I’m not gonna sleep on the couch. There is enough space here for both of us.

“It’s fine, I don’t mind.” Ellie defended even though she knew she’d already lost.

“C’mere, stupid.” Dina got on the bed, rolling over to the edge by the wall to click on the planetarium overhead. “Get dressed for bed.”

Ellie complied, standing at the edge of the bed in her boxers, and henley. She positioned her half hanging off the short queen mattress with enough space for a third person between them, Ellie tucked her arm under her head and stared at the constellations on the ceiling above her.

Out of the corner of her eyes Ellie could tell Dina didn’t bother to face the ceiling. Her cheek rested comfortably on her pillow staring patiently at Ellie. “You’re gonna get cold all the way out there.”

“I’ll be fine.”

“I thought it gets cold at night?” Dina smirked, the full effect ruined by the fact half her face was obscured by the pillow. Knowing it was best to give in sooner rather than later, Ellie groaned, moving a couple of inches towards Dina. Not fully off the bed any more, not fully in Dina’s space either. Close enough. She closed her eyes, the slow creep of exhaustion finally catching up to her. Dina reached out and intertwined their fingers, resting their hands on her pillow. “Fine, be an ass.”

“Be nice, ‘m a tired ass.” Ellie mumbled into her shirt sleeve.

After a few minutes, Ellie faded into the space between consciousness. She pressed the back of Dina’s hand to her forehead fore a few seconds, in a small gesture of gratitude, before she rested their hands back between them.

“Good night, Ellie.” Dina spoke softly, gently brushing her thumb over Ellie’s knuckles.

“Night.” Ellie drifted off, the last thing she was aware of was a rustling of sheets and a gentle pressure on her temple.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And with that we bring the Winter chapters to a close.
> 
> UP NEXT: THE SPRING THAW
> 
> Had to go on a bit of a hiatus to deal with some real life stuff. Working on this chapter grew a little to real and I needed to step away to make sure I did right with Ellie's trauma and healing. Instead I started working on a band AU that I might post if there is any interest in that sort of thing.
> 
> I'm now on tumblr if you want to yell at or with me over these characters. @ [ dissonantdreamer](https://dissonantdreamer.tumblr.com)


	8. Whatever Words I Say I Will Always Love You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JJ makes a new friend.  
> Maria tries.  
> Dina struggles.  
> Ellie rebuilds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're still reading you're absolutely wonderful and if I could give you kudos, I would.  
> Instead you get the same old apologies for lack of beta, abundance of grammar/content mistakes. Dear god am I sorry.
> 
> I truly appreciate all the kudos/comments they help my brain and my heart!
> 
> Enjoy!

Spring came quickly, with it came promise in the thaw. Snow melted and new life sprung from the water. All around Wyoming was waking from the long winter. The early morning birdsong joining in on Ellie’s practicing on the nights she couldn’t sleep. Their voices mingling with the broken chords she had slowly relearned. They put up with her angry outbursts when she grew frustrated with herself and after she spent a whole day with Barry trying to figure out how to cut and carve pieces of wood to interlock, she made a bird house for them. Putting her son in creative control for the exterior design.

Her little potato was growing into a root child in front of her eyes, flourishing under not only his mothers’ watch but the watch of a growing village. He began learning words left and right, picking up on letters with the help of an alphabet book Esther brought back for him. Thanks to visits from Barry and the twins, his new favorite game became to pick objects up and have people name them for him.

The twins in their boundless energy had pretty much conditioned him to an unquenchable level of curiosity after an afternoon of hanging out. Now he sat on a small patch of dirt next to Ellie in front of her RV as she fixed up the exterior of her home. She alternated between telling him the name of the object and swearing up a storm as she tried to get a rusted out bolt loose with an equally rusty wrench.

“Zebra.” Ellie glanced at the animal in her son’s hands. JJ wiggled in place, putting down the newer animal she attempted to carve. A far cry from a zebra, it looked more like four stalactites fought for dominance over ceiling space. Whatever, it wasn’t her worst carving, JJ saw to it when they painted the thing together. Zebra’s didn’t actually have polka dots, but JJ was persistent in his artistic expression so for now they did.

Ellie adjusted her stance to give herself more leverage on the stubborn bolt, pushing down with a grunt, until it gave. A bead of sweat fell over her marred brow and into her eye. She wiped at it, ignoring the sting as she blinked rapidly to clear her vision to see what JJ held up for her now.

“Shit.” Ellie cursed, as her vision cleared. Just in time to watch on in horror as JJ picked up a handful of old animal droppings off the ground. She rushed towards him, hand outstretched, before her brain fully registered what was about to happen.

Everything slowed, like in the moments before she let loose an arrow at her target. JJ bringing his hand up towards his face, the dusty brown clump crumbling in between his fingers as she managed to grab his arm in time and coax the shit out his hand. Then her _precious_ Spud had the audacity, the fucking audacity, to laugh in her face as he proceeded to make her look like a terrible parent.

“Shh-it!” JJ mimicked in his broken toddler way, as Ellie scooped him up off the ground, wiping at his hands with the wet towel she had been using to wash down the outside of her RV. “Nooo, buddy. We don’t pick that up. That’s poop.” She whispered into his hair. “Please say poop in front of Mama, deal?”

“No. Shh-it, El-muh.” She ignored the stab in her heart she felt when he didn’t outright call her mom. Everyone had tried to imprint onto JJ that she was his Mom, but she’d been El or Ellie around him too long. In the end she supposed it didn’t matter, it was a special name for her like potato and spud were for him.

Unaware of her inner panic, JJ grinned up at her, the corners of his soulful brown eyes crinkled with absolute joy, his dimples on full display. Which she’d deemed cheating, cause it made him much harder to parent and he knew that. Ellie sighed, rubbing her nose against his, guess her kid said shit now. Maybe she could convince everyone she taught him how to say “notion”.

Opening up the door to the RV, Ellie stepped over the toys she had neglected to pick up beforehand, taking JJ over to the small sink. Thankfully he hadn’t gotten any shit on his clothes. She turned on the faucet. A tiny squeak sounded out as the pressure built enough to produce a steady stream of water, she placed a bar of soap in his hands and covered them with her own. “Like this, spud.” She rubbed their hands back and forth until there was a good amount of suds. Placing the soap back on the holder, she helped him wash his hands, letting him do most of the work, as he mimicked her. She shut the sink off and grabbed an old shirt to wipe them off. She bent down and grabbed a carving off the floor, handing it over to him to play with.

“Cat!” JJ motioned with his hands that he wanted to be put down. Ellie scrutinized her handy work, “It’s supposed to be a moose but I can see why you’d think that.”

“CAT!” JJ yelled in her ear, his face turning red and scrunching up the way it always did right before a tantrum.

“Okay, okay, Spud. It’s a cat.” Ellie cooed, rocking him gently in her arms. JJ pounded his fists on her sternum, squirming until he gave up and pointed at the floor with an almost dejected sounding, “Cat.” Ellie traced her eyes down to the floor where a haggard looking orange tabby sat inside her RV.

“Oh. There is a literal cat in here.” She hefted JJ up onto a hip. Impressed he could name the animal. “Good eye, Spud.” With a yawn the cat stretched onto it’s back paws, walking passed them to jump up and curl around itself on the couch. “Hey, no dude. You can’t just chill here.”

She leaned down a little to pick the cat up with her left hand. Immediately it went limp making it difficult to lift while trying to balance a gleeful JJ flapping his hands as he tried to reach the matted fur. When she realized the cat wasn’t going to leave and JJ wasn’t going to let her kick it out, Ellie shut the door and tried to figure out what to do next. She held JJ’s hand back and crouched down sitting him on her knee. The tabby opened it’s left eye to watch her.

She’d never seen this cat around Jackson before, it had a rip in it’s left ear that split the tip about half an inch down, the right ear seemed to be incapable of straightening, instead it lay at an angle. Its nose covered in deep scarring, including one that cut up across it’s right eye, which looked to be permanently shut.

“One second,” Ellie turned to JJ who kept trying to touch its head. “Lemme make sure it’s okay.” Ellie put her hand near the cat’s head, letting it sniff her until slowly the cat pushed its head into her palm, letting her scratch gently behind it’s ears. “Okay,” She took JJ’s hand in her own slowly putting it in front of that cat, “Nice and easy ‘kay, spud?” He made a grabbing motion at the cat in response.

He let the cat press its face against his little hand. To her surprise, the cat rose and pushed against JJ’s face and torso. Purring loud and deep, like a freshly started generator. JJ laughed at the deep rumble. The cat blinked slowly, rolling on his back, exposing that he was in fact a he.

“Guess this dude is a dude,” Ellie muttered. Ellie pulled JJ’s hand away in case this fella was like the barn cats, tricking you into placing your hand in their furry little trap and getting your hand all scratched to shit.

“Cat, ‘kay?” He questioned. Ellie looked down at his bright and happy little face, grinning as though he had just won a prize.

His smile was the same kind of shit-eating grin that once convinced Ellie to jump into Jackson hole on a dare, the same grin that always convinced her to share her last bit of whiskey during bonfires, the grin she’d forever associate with her best friend and his absolute bastard knack for getting her to do anything he asked just cause. Combined with Dina’s freckles, Ellie was fucked. This kid was going to get everything he ever wanted out of her. She groaned in defeat.

“Yeah, cat okay, buddy. He might be someone’s already,” JJ frowned. Ownership was still a far off concept to him. “You wanna give him a name? Just so we call him something while we find his owner.”

“Shh-it.”

“Okay good start, let’s spitball a few more, yeah?” JJ giggled as Ellie tapped his hand against her chin, face tight in concentration as she pondered a name. “How about… Yuri?” JJ stuck his free hand on her cheek and shook her head.  
  


“Alright, what if we call him... Glenn?” JJ smacked her in the mouth and she crossed her eyes and stuck out her tongue. JJ ignored her in favor of taking advantage of her distraction to pet the cat’s stomach. The cat’s face affected a lazy smile, purring increasing in volume to the point Ellie wondered if her new neighbor in the next RV over could hear it. The old cat opened his eye and Ellie noticed it was emerald green instead of the usual yellow she saw on most of the barn cats.

“Tough crowd. Tough crowd. What if we call him, Jonesy?” JJ didn’t say anything he just kicked at her chest and motioned to get down. It wasn’t a no. She turned to the cat, “You cool with Jonesy?” It blinked slowly at her, also not a no, per se.

With a heavy sigh, Ellie placed JJ next to the newly titled Jonesy, who curled right up next to her son. JJ rested his arm in the short fur by his neck, petting the cat as he nonsensically talked at him. As quickly as she could without startling the cat, Ellie put pen to paper, capturing the moment for Dina. Or in case Jonesy did have an owner, and JJ had to give up his new friend.

Ellie finished her drawing not too long after JJ fell asleep, tuckered out from his busy afternoon. His tiny chest rising and falling in an even cadence. Jonesy’s head rested on his lap. Groaning, Ellie stood, stretching her arms over her head she felt her shirt peel from her skin, still heavy with sweat. Making the decision to change into something drier, before figuring out what she could feed a cat. She pulled off the heather gray NASA shirt, and wrung out a surprising amount of sweat in the sink before hanging it over the edge to dry out. She pulled a forest green work shirt off a hanger, dropping it with a clatter. Jonesy’s purring stopped and when she checked the couch the cat glared at her. She turned and crouched at the end of the couch making herself eye level with the cat.

“Oh, did I wake you. How inconvenient.” The cat licked his stomach, ignoring her. “You chose this.”

Just as Ellie got her arms through she heard Dina’s telltale knock. Had the day passed that quickly, the sky outside was still light. Darker clouds hung on the horizon.

“Hey.” Ellie smiled softly at Dina caught up in the way the light danced across her face as the shadows of the trees dapple her face.

Dina stood, unresponsive to her greeting, staring open mouthed at Ellie. Behind Dina there was movement. Esther gleefully bright-eyed and waving, another unexpected guest Ellie was unprepared to deal with.

“Hey, forget something?” Esther pointed at her. Ellie glanced down and swore, she forgot to fucking do her shirt up. A strip of her skin left exposed, the lay of the shirt was forgiving, covering her chest. Embarrassed at her lapse in awareness, and fueled Esther’s teasing expression, Ellie slammed the door shut, startling the two little creatures on her couch. Jonesy leapt off the couch and up onto her bed.

“Oh come on.” Ellie hissed, cursing everything, she buttoned up the shirt as fast as she could while trying to tend to JJ who’d jerked awake at the noise. His lips turned down in confusion and distress when he didn’t see his new friend. Ellie murmured soft reassurances in his ear while hefting him up into her arms, letting him rub his face into her neck as she opened the door again, stepping down the stairs to stand with her visitors.

“I know why you’re here,” She pointed to a red-faced Dina. “But you,” She gestured to Esther, twirling a finger towards her lower half. “Should be resting, you just got taken off of duty to heal your hip.”

“That’s rich comin’ from you, kid.” Esther folded her arms across her chest and raised a brow. Ellie bobbed her head in agreement, scratching behind her ear, couldn’t argue that. “Doctor said I could go for short walks, I ran into this one here who was on her way to pick up my favorite little man, right JJ?”

JJ perked up at his name, moving his head so he could see who spoke. With a quick “Hi, mama.” JJ squirmed towards Esther, who, after taking him out of Ellie’s arms, handed him a small treat of some kind as she hobbled into the RV. Oh great, her son was already taking bribes.

“Nice to see you too.” Ellie deadpanned. Holding her her arms out for a second, making sure Esther didn’t fall and break her ass further. Even if she deserved to learn how much of a pain in one she was.

“You skipped a button.” Dina’s warm hands surprised her as they slid over the fabric on her stomach, undoing the buttons there. Ellie stared down at her, watching as Dina fixed her poor attempt at getting dressed with the same patience and care she always took on with JJ. The selfless actions she took with Jesse in Seattle. Ellie’s heart swelled with admiration and love for her and these quiet shows of fondness.

Dina glanced up at Ellie before tucking her head back down. Curiously, Ellie shifted enough to observe her profile, the dusting of freckles on her nose, the way her lips tucked into her mouth in that way that always made Ellie exhale deeply through her nose. As if she felt her gaze on her skin, Dina took half a step back, her hands coming up between them, smoothing out wrinkles in the shirt.

They both blushed when their eyes met as Dina leaned in, pupils dark even in the fading light of the afternoon like a dying star captured within. Pulling at the collar of the shirt and flattening the fabric down, Dina gave Ellie a small smile. Dragging her hands down along Ellie’s arms, before giving her hands a gentle squeeze and letting go. “There, almost acceptable.” They stood, their eyes never leaving one another, mouths curving into twin half grins.

“Hey Ellie?” Esther called from the RV, interrupting the witty come back on Ellie’s tongue.

With out taking her eyes off of Dina, she called back to the older woman, “What?”

“Why is thee cat in your bed?”

Dina’s eyes went wide at Ellie who opened and closed her mouth as she tried to think of where to start her explanation.

\--- --- ---

Jonesy, she found out a few days later from Maria, had been the old tomcat of a recently deceased woman named Ms. Shaw. Apparently, he ran off after he brought over a few folks to find her and they took her body away. Which meant Ellie now had a fuzzy little bastard to look out for. Literally. He would walk underfoot rubbing his body along her legs, almost like he was trying to get her killed. He also had a habit of slinking in and out of the RV via the window over her bed.

Several times she awoke to him jumping on the bed to curl up near her head in the middle of the night. She put a chain of small bells she got for an old failed project over the window to alert her every time he showed up. Asshole would even take time to lick her forehead clean while she tried to read, or sleep.

Ellie had never been a pet kind of person, farm animals were easier. Feed, clean, sheer, repeat as necessary. They didn’t get fur in your food, or walk over your art, they sure as shit didn’t leave little bloody presents for you to find.

JJ on the other hand, was enamored with the cat. For the past week, almost daily, someone would bring him by to make sure he got in a quick visit. And while Ellie was happy to see her kid more frequently, she couldn’t help the tiny twinge of jealousy when JJ ignored her in favor for the cat. An effort was made to pawn the furry bastard off, but Dina was insistent he stay with Ellie. So now she had a little shit that got fur on everything, liked to bring her animal carcasses, steal her dinner whenever she brought home anything decent, and there wasn’t a damn thing she could do about it.

After getting dressed for the day, Ellie dropped a chunk of leftover chicken on the floor for him. Jonesy devoured it in the time it took her to put on her shoes, wandering over to her spot on the couch to plop down next to her. Begrudgingly, she gave him a few scratches under his chin.

“You’re in charge today,” She told him as he aggressively pushed his furry head into her hand, rubbing the corner of his mouth against the nubs of her fingers. “Please don’t fuck the place up.”

Shortly after, Ellie found herself sitting on the wooden rail outside the clinic waiting for Esther to finish her check up so they could meet with Maria for lunch. Esther had been thrown from her horse the subsequent injury had taken her off patrol runs and Ellie had offered to help as best she could. Esther was just as, if not more, stubborn than Joel when it came to injuries. Neither of them could sit still and heal before they were off getting into as much trouble as the damage allowed.

Clouds passed over the sun, casting parts of the town in shadow, a gentle breeze passed over her. Closing her eyes, Ellie kicked her feet back and forth tapping against the rail post listening the bustle of the town around her. Behind her there was the soft click of a door behind shut.

“Well I don’t think I’ve ever seen you willingly be ten feet near the clinic before.” Ellie opened one eye to see Cat brush her hair back with a hand. It wasn’t up in a bun this time, the honey comb tattoo still visible even under the small fuzzy layer of unshaven hair on the side. She took a few steps over to where Ellie sat, leaning casually against the rail next to her.

“You see, Cat. I’ve made strides as a person.” Ellie straightened up from her hunched position. Gesturing to herself with her hand.

“Who still won’t step foot in the clinic.”

“Who refuses to wait inside when it’s this nice outside.” Ellie corrected.

“Of course.” Cat folded her arms and frowned. Clearly not believing Ellie was fine for fucking once. “What did you injure now?”

“Nothing. I actually am waiting for Esther to finish getting checked out.”

“Oh, well. That’s a first.” Cat paused, picking at her thumbnail. “She’s in good hands.”

“Tara working today?” Ellie couldn’t help the playful lilt her voice took. After all this time, it was nice to be on the giving end of the shit stick for once. Cat softened at the mention of her girlfriends name, a dopey grin formed on her lips. Ellie wondered if Cat ever got that way when they dated. If hearing Ellie’s name ever made her eyes sparkle or her face dimple as she blushed. It was hard to think it ever did after the way they ended things between them.

“Yeah, I brought her lunch.”

“One of those bean toe boxes.” Ellie watched Cat’s eyes practically drop out of their sockets from the force of rolling them.

“Oh my god, bento.” Cat shoved at her back lightly. Startled, Ellie almost fell forward off the rail. She grabbed the top post at the last possible second, hard enough for the wood to groan underneath her palms with the effort of keeping herself from ending up in the mud.

“Hey, asshole! Stop trying to give your girlfriend a new patient.” Ellie scowled, sitting upright, halfheartedly readjusting her jacket sleeves over her forearms and tucking the fabric in on itself. “I was just trying to be nice.”

“That joke was so dumb when we were seventeen,” Cat chuckled. “You should stick to telling the ones from your books.”

“Pardon?” Ellie held a hand to her chest in mock offense. “Your mom thought that joke was funny.”

“My mom thought you were an endearing idiot that couldn’t pronounce bento. She was laughing at you.” Cat smiled down at her hands, tracing over a tattoo on her left ring finger Ellie had never seen before. It was hard to tell, but it kinda looked like a chess piece. By the way it was scabbed over and flaky she guessed it was about a week or two old.

“What’s that one mean?” Ellie nodded towards the tattoo on Cat’s finger. “It looks new.”

“Oh. Um. It’s for Tara. We decided we’re gonna get married. Hers is just the outline.”

“That’s…” Ellie paused, scratching behind her ear. “That’s really fuckin’ cool. The tattoo and the marriage thing.”

“Yeah, she’s wanted to for a while. The marriage thing.” Cat leaned her arms on the rail next to Ellie watching as a few folks returning from patrol led their horses towards the stables.

“Did you and Dina ever?” Cat trailed off, letting Ellie fill in the rest of the question herself.

“No. We never did. What we had was kinda…” Beyond marriage? They never really defined what they had beyond their devotion to each other. Old world terms felt constricting in a way, like clothes that didn’t fit anymore.

Personally, Ellie didn’t think they needed to marry, it didn’t hold the power it did in the past. No one was forced to marry for land nor was there a government to decide if the person you loved got the property you shared. Hell, Maria and Tommy didn’t wed, just traded rings. Which they ended taking off about a year after Ellie and Joel arrived cause they just got in the way. Wasn’t smart to work with em on, they caught on things, gave away too much if you were caught. In Jackson if two people were together they didn’t need to prove it, they just were.

Until they weren’t.

“Unspoken?” Cat offered.

“Sure.” Ellie frowned in thought. Maybe it had been. Coping with the loss of Jesse, physically healing from Seattle, freaking out about JJ on the way, they never really talked about marriage. They tuned into one another. Wordlessly taking care of needs and wants without a second thought. For Ellie it wasn’t even a choice to live that farmhouse dream with Dina. To care for JJ. She went with an open heart, letting the deep river of love that had grown between them over the months guide her. Even if the prospect of owning a farm and having a kid felt daunting at times, she’d do it all over again if she got the chance to.

Anyone who took two seconds to look at Ellie could’ve seen she’d been helplessly dedicated to Dina. Her actions substituted for vows and she spoke them daily. Helping Dina maintain a sense of control when her body ached with pain, cooking, hunting, clearing the perimeter, spending a long time on her knees in worship whenever Dina felt insecure about her changing body. Any moment she could show Dina how deep her love ran, she did so.

Except the one moment it mattered.

Ellie scrubbed her chin on her shoulder, the brush of rough fabric soothing. “We didn’t have to.”

Maybe Dina wanted to? It was far too late to ask. At this point it didn’t matter, she and Dina were done. As much as Ellie wanted more, Dina had already given her more than she ever deserved. Seeing her son, spending time together as a family. Walking through the gates of Jackson seven months ago Ellie never expected she’d even get to talk to Dina. Joel got it backwards, Ellie was lucky to have Dina. After everything they’d face together, Ellie would give Dina whatever scraps of herself she asked for.

“You seem lighter.” Cat’s focus was fully on Ellie, kind smile dimpling her face. Almost as if she was proud of Ellie, their torrid past forgotten to time and growth. They had always been better as friends.

“I’ve actually gained a bunch of weight.” Ellie tried to make it seem as though talking about her past hadn’t blanketed her with sorrow, tried to joke, still her words came out as admission of the truth. Dealing with everything in the last months felt heavy still. Lingering like campfire smoke on her clothes. You could only smell it if you were close enough. Catching a whiff if when the wind blew the right way.

“If it means anything, you carry it well.”

Ellie frowned, it didn’t feel that way, yet here she was joking with someone who avoided her for a solid year after they broke up. Nestled away in her heart she found hope, that with time, maybe her other relationships could heal too.

“Mornin’ ladies.” The door to the clinic opened and Esther limped out, greeting them warmly. Her eyes bright and shining as she stretched out her back with a groan. “Whoo that lady of yours has got magic hands. My hip feels brand new. I feel like I could fight a horde.” Ellie waggled her eyes at Cat, laughing brightly when Cat hid her face behind her hair.

“I’m sure Cat knows all about Tara’s magic hands.” Cat’s head shot up at Ellie’s statement. Glowering, she adjusted her body position into something that made Ellie go on the defensive.

“OH, I am going to kill you.” Cat quirked a brow, and lunged, a fraction of a second too late, as Ellie inelegantly pushed off the railing with her hands. Managing to keep her footing she turned back to stick her tongue out at her. Cat eyes narrowed. “You’re so dead!”

“Like to see you try.” Ellie challenged, swearing under her breath when Cat actually launched herself over the railing after her. Landing gracefully, with a smirk. “I yield. I yield.” Ellie yelped as Cat smacked her head playfully. Still terrifyingly agile for someone who spent most her days sewing and tattooing.

“If you must maim her, please don’t go for the face, it’s all she has.” Esther jested, her movements down the steps slow and stiff.

“You’re lucky there was a witness or you’d be dead.” Cat threatened fondly. “I actually think I missed beating you up.” They both snorted as Esther limped closer to them.

“Allow me to take this one off your hands.” Esther pulled Ellie into her side by her shoulders. “She hasn’t been properly trained to be around humans.”

“Oh fuck off.” Ellie grumbled, carefully shrugging out of Esther’s hug. Pointing back at her over her shoulder. “I gotta feed this one so she stops being such a bitch. I’ll see ya round?”

“I’m sure you will.” Cat turned and headed off with a wave. “Stop by the parlor sometime.”

“Maria waiting at the Bison, yeah?” Esther asked gently, looping her arm through Ellie’s as they slowly made their way in the opposite direction of Cat, towards the main road.

Ellie hummed in the affirmative, suspicion replacing the contentment she felt each time Cat and her talked things out. Side-eyeing the other woman she voiced her suspicion. “I dunno why both of you won’t fuckin’ tell me what you’re up to.”

Maria had invited her out to her lunch with Esther on Sunday during their usual lunch time. Lunch occasionally had to be moved around due to things coming up, but Maria never invited anyone else, let alone took them out to lunch. They both avoided all of Ellie’s questions about it; seeming unusually smug. The behavior reminded Ellie of the fishy way Joel and Tommy behaved when they’d made plans to take her out beyond the walls before she was technically allowed on patrols without Maria’s approval.

“We can’t have a nice lunch the three of us?”

“I dunno can we?”

“She’s been my friend forever, I know we can have a nice lunch. It’s your manners we gotta worry about.” Esther teased.

“How long have you been friends?” Ellie questioned, she knew they were close but never really asked about it before.

“Since day one in Jackson.” Esther turned to Ellie a devilish glint in her eyes. “She’s the one that told me Tommy had a cute brother who was single.”

“Oh no. No no no. I don’t need to know anything about that.”

“The way that man kissed.” Esther emphasized kiss in a way that was used to emphasize something far more disgusting to think of Joel ever doing. Ellie plunged her fingers in her ears humming loudly, shooting a glare at Esther who stopped walking to laugh. Doubled over, wiping a tear away. Wincing as she straightened, she rubbed at her leg. Ellie rolled her eyes and held out an arm reluctantly letting the injured woman lean on her for support. “You’re too easy to rile up girl.”

“Do you want my help or not? I’ll tell Maria you didn’t wanna watch me stuff steak into my face.”

“Take a chill pill. It’ll be like that one time we had lunch together.” Esther mused.

“You showing up unannounced for tea while I ate leftovers over the sink before work doesn’t count as lunch.”

“Tomato, To-mah-to. Oh. Tomatoes sound nice on a burger don’t they?” She patted at Ellie’s arm before giving it a squeeze. When they reached the door of the Tipsy Bison, Esther put a hand on Ellie’s shoulder, stopping her from opening the door.

“Thanks for helping me out, kid.” Ellie sank back a little into the solid palm as the older woman smiled down at her. After Joel’s funeral they had found themselves in a vacuum of emotion. Both devoid of emotion at their shared loss. She had placed her hand on Ellie’s shoulder then too. A stark difference in the weight and comfort it brought her two years later was shocking. She never thought the woman Joel loved would ever stay in her life. Esther was truly someone special in this hell. “Means a lot to me.”

“If you’re trying to make up for traumatizing me those images of you and Joel, it’s not working.” Ellie shuddered dramatically, opening the door and followed a chuckling Esther through.

They walked over towards the back when they saw Maria sat at a table in the back with JJ in her lap, moving his hands to wave them over. Ellie surveyed the room for a flash of dark hair or olive skin, but Dina was nowhere to be seen.

“Is everything okay?” Ellie pulled out the nearest barrel-made chair for Esther before moving to sit in the chair between the two that faced the doors. Allowing herself to rest once her back was protected. “Where’s Dina?”

“She got called out to the dam early this morning. We had a little misfire on one of the turbines, fucked up some of the electronics.”

“Oh, she could have dropped JJ off with me.” Ellie picked at some skin on her lower lip. “It wouldn’t have been a problem. I’m sure his furry friend would have loved to see him.” A whole village of people had offered to help with JJ and it shouldn’t upset her as much as it did that Dina hadn’t asked not when there were other options. Maria grabbed a roll from the basket from the middle of the table and passed it to Ellie, her lips in a thin smile, eyes soft with understanding.

“I don’t mind. We were already in the same place when she got the alert. Didn’t have time to hunt you down. Besides,” Maria tickled behind JJ’s knees, smiling down at him when he squirmed and giggle. “I can’t say no to this little face. Can I JJ?”

“No!” JJ pulled on her face with a tiny hand causing her to laugh loud enough to surprise the family eating behind her. Their jaws dropping a little at Maria’s foreign outburst of joy. JJ was going to be a handful when he grew up, just like his father. He could charm Jackson’s toughest with such ease. It was going to be a nightmare to keep everyone away from him. For their protection of course.

Maria passed JJ over to Ellie, immediately frowning, as if her facial features were tied to her proximity to the boy. The further away he was the sterner she grew.

Ellie watched the two women in front of her, wordlessly having a conversation only they could understand.

“Alright, will one of you please tell me what the fuck is going on?” Ellie hated it. Hated feeling ganged up on, these secrets always hurt in the end. As if sensing her discomfort Maria clasped her hands in front of her, leaning them on the table, taking a deep breath, before turning to Ellie.

“It’s been a few months now, and you’ve met every challenge head on. You still have a long way to go.” Ellie nodded in agreement, she glanced between the two women. JJ slapped a hand on hers and she gave him a small chunk of bread to gnaw on. “But I think if it’s still something you want, we talk about getting you ready for patrol?”

Things had changed, yet deep down she knew eventually something would come along. Joel had been naive in that way. Maybe he knew eventually some part of his past would catch up to him, what did he say when she gave him the photo she stole from Maria, “No matter how hard you try you can’t escape your past.” Or something to the affect. She’d never confirm it now. The only thing she wanted now was to keep sharp. Keep safe. She had a target tattooed on her skin.

Ellie knew that she didn't want to feel sick every time she saw blood. Didn’t want to hesitate when the same darkness that hunted Joel all his life could one day come for her, could come for her family. The shadow of the choices she made clinging along the walls waiting for a moment to strike. Not when that hesitation could lead to heartbreak.

She also didn’t want to be consumed by it either. Didn’t want the darkness to eat away at her until she was skin and bones. Ruining the good things she managed to scrape her way back to. All she wanted was to keep Dina safe. Keep her son safe. Safe from her mistakes, safe from ever losing her again. It would take some work but she would have to learn to balance the two halves of herself if she wanted to move forward and be able to fight, no matter what. If Joel could fucking do it for a spell, she could too.

“I’d like to.” Doubt slithered through her veins, a viscous oil seeping between the cracks of her confidence making her question if she could even return to something that occasionally required her to bring out her worst parts. “But...”

Her voice was thick, her chest tight, the strain a faint memory of when she first learned to swim and didn’t take a deep enough breath. She felt like the noose was around her neck again, her mind rushing off in a thousand different directions until she felt a small tap on her face. Coming back to the present when JJ tried to share some of his soggy spit-soaked bread with her. Thankful for the distraction, Ellie smiled wide at this caring boy in her lap, always looking out for the people around him. Just like his mother. Just like his father. He didn’t get it from her.

Making a sound of approval she pretended to take a bite of the offering. He brought it back to his mouth absolutely delighted when she gave him a quiet little “Thanks, spud.” for his efforts, before returning her focus to Maria. “Yes,” his brown eyes cut through her fears making her resolute in her choice. “I would. I have something I want to fight for.”

“I thought that might be your answer.” Maria pressed her lips together. “I still think it’s too early for full on patrols.” She held up a hand before Ellie could object. For a second Ellie clenched her fist on the table, as the angry, defiant part inside her flashed like the spark of a dead lighter in the dark; bright, and hot. Over without ever catching.

Maria put her hand on Ellie’s squeezing gently until the tension eased, and she loosened her fist. “However, I think transferring you to shifts on watch might be whats next. I talked to Cedric, he’s upset he might lose his top worker, but I assured him you’d finish your shifts for the month. Then if you want, you’ll be partnered with this one here.” Maria thumbed over to Esther who gave up pretending to read the chalkboard over the bar, putting a hand to her chest like she couldn’t believe Maria had asked her to.

“I’m not much good for supply runs right now, but I’d be happy to mentor you.” The teasing broke and Esther sounded serious. If anyone knew how to come back from a dark place stronger than ever, it was her.

“Yeah.” This was a compromise she could work with. She was willing. She could do this. “Yeah, okay.”

“Okay, uh.” Maria’s shoulders dropped, revealing just how tense she had been. Her aunt sniffed and reached into her jacket. “I was going to give this to you for your birthday.” She handed over a small blocky item wrapped in an oily gray cloth.

Ellie reached out, a comforting weight resting in her hands. Next to her Esther moved, prying a wormy JJ from Ellie’s lap gently, letting him settle, he began to show her his alphabet book. “But if you’re going to be on watch, you’ll need it.”

With JJ distracted enough for the moment, Ellie unwrapped the cloth, a small black leather case tumbling out into her hand. It was a few inches tall and an inch or two wide with a loop for her to put it on her belt. It was big enough to hold in her hand, turning it over she gasped. The ivory moth inlay from Joel’s guitar embedded in the leather. The stitching was a rusted umber and the leather that made up the edges of the sheath had been dyed to match the tobacco sunburst of her old guitar.

“Maria, this is…” She touched the inlay as if it would come to life and fly away, carefully tracing her finger tips along the wings cautiously.

“Open it.”

Ellie did as she was told, pulling the leather tab that had been folded into a strip around the front. Inside a glint of metal caught her eye. Upending the sheath carefully into her palm a knife handle slide out, pommel first. The handle made from a familiar rich ebony. Ebony she rarely ever touched without strings of nylon or steel pressed under her fingers. Turning the knife in the light she could make out a noticeable grain of deep brown running through the dark wood close to the pommel. Ellie flipped the knife over, the inlay around the firing pin and locking pin as well as the back, were a rich brown tortoiseshell. This was something she’d recognize no matter what form it took; since the moment Joel placed it in her hands all those years ago.

“Is this really what I think it is?”

Turning her body away from JJ, who grew interested in what she held the second Esther stopped giving him her full attention, Ellie unlocked the blade. Muscle memory taking over she plunged the firing pin with her thumb. The knife opened with a solid click, the action nice and swift. Strong enough for the tiniest bit of kickback.

With the knife fully opened in her hand on a whole it felt heftier than her mother’s, maybe it was due to the spine of the tang bracketed in brass between the body and the handle, reinforcing it. Made from a dark, wavy patterned steel, that looked as though someone had managed to capture ripples of water on the surface of a still lake within the blade. While there were similarities in function, it was not her mother’s knife.

The full blade was half a finger longer than the one she lost. The grind on the front went the full blade instead of halfway down the tip. The blade on her last knife was designed for stabbing. The way the notch dropped further down along in the back made the knife in her hand utilitarian in nature. Designed for more than just killing.

“I hope it’s okay. I know you didn’t want the guitar.” Maria fiddled with the sleeve of her button up that had popped out the end of her jacket sleeve, trying to stuff it back in. The unsure movements reflected in the way she couldn’t bring herself to look at Ellie. She rambled instead, “Esther found the knife a while back, Leah and Marcus restored it. It was their first big project, not bad for kids.”

“If you don’t want it, I’ll take it.” Esther offered, cutting off Maria who glared at her from the other side of the table. Esther scoffed, waving hand between the two women. “What you’re both bein’ weird. God forgive me for tryin’ to lighten the mood.” Maria chuckled to herself easing the anxiety that had settled in Ellie’s chest, replacing it with a deep love for the women in front of her, who had lost so much and yet still found a way forward.

“I know you lost your knife, and I thought maybe…” Maria trailed off, wringing her hands. Her eyes darted across Ellie’s face and it was jarring to see Maria anything less than composed in the moment.

“I wanted you to know how proud of you I am, how proud he was. Would be.” Maria tucked her lips into her mouth. “I want you to be safe okay?” The woman in front of Ellie was a far cry from the woman that pointed the barrel of her gun down at two strangers approaching her town’s gates all those years ago. Another reason to be grateful she hadn’t been shot that day.

There was a bit of relief in seeing the guitar transformed. No longer did the guilt of breaking the instrument weigh on her, she felt relieved to hold it in her hands again. A part of her wanted to be upset the guitar was gone. Upset that the connection she had to Joel through it was severed. She can’t go back now. Gripping the knife in her hand it felt right. The last semblance of protection her mother could offer her now merged with Joel’s patient teachings. She didn’t have to have it in her back pocket at all times she could keep it holstered. She missed having something she could pick her nails with.

Back in the RV there were enough scraps of wood she could make a small knife table. There was always some wood that needed stabbing.

“El-muh?” JJ watched her carefully in the way toddlers do. Trying to puzzle out how he should feel for her. His lips start to quaver; mirroring her. “Kay?” In this moment Ellie can see it, his pudgy hand rested atop her left, with it’s stolen missing parts. Future days, with him. She had to do everything she could to ensure they got that together. It would take getting used to, there were parts she could fix, that she needed to keep for JJ and Dina’s sake. She could be whole. She could protect and still be Ellie at the end of the day. She stared at the knife in her hands, deadly, but made from the broken parts of her. Dina’s reminder to keep others alive echoed in her head.

“Yeah, kiddo. I’m okay.”

Pushing forward on the swivel bolster, she easily closed the blade against her outer thigh. Placing the knife back in it’s holster on the table. “Thank you… this is...” She sniffed, overwhelmed, words of gratitude failing her she glanced over at the dart board in the corner before her lips trembled into a soft smile. “Yeah, thank you.”

Letting JJ crawl back into her lap to play with her left hand, Ellie held him close. Humming a little tune as the food Maria ordered for them arrived.

“There you are. Robin told me I’d find you here.” Despite looking absolutely dead on her feet, Dina waltzed over to the table, huge grin plastered on her face, her voice chipper. Her knife still in it’s holster, snug on her thigh, she must have rushed over. Underneath her gray work jacket she wore a sheer flowery beige shirt, contrasting the muddy black jeans she’d tucked it into. The fabric caught on her skin, flushed with sweat, her hair was un-braided. Instead pulled back into a ponytail that rested low on her nape. A soft honey smell grew stronger as she approached the table.

Ellie swallowed, her face heating up at the sight, and she cursed the version of herself that once mocked kids writing in their journals about crushes. The absolute idiot who didn’t believe she’d one day meet someone who sent her head out on a spacewalk untethered to the ship just by being in the same vicinity. Someone who could blind her just as easily as the sun if she stared too long, Someone who made her question her own fucking sanity.

“Hey, handsome.” The compliment was directed at JJ, yet Dina’s eyes never left Ellie’s face. She could probably see the flush that crept out the neck of her flannel. JJ squirmed in Ellie’s arms, reaching out to put his arms around Dina, to bridge the gap between his parents. Immediately babbling excitedly in a mixture of baby talk and real words as Dina gathered him in her arms. JJ glanced back at Ellie as if to confirm his little story.

“What’s that spud?” Ellie furrowed her brows and nodded, humming her agreement in the little breaks of gibberish, “Okay I’ll tell her.” Ellie cleared her throat, dramatically; as if she were a herald announcing the contenders in a joust. “He says you look mighty nice yourself.”

“Oh, is that what he said?” She lifted a brow at Ellie before gently smiling down at JJ, his face lighting up at the attention.

“Him and I have our own little language.” Ellie held out her left hand for JJ to slap. “Right, kiddo?” JJ giggled, punching her hand more than slapping it. Drawing her hand to her chest with a few exaggerated shakes, Ellie praised him for his strong hit. He yawned and rested his cheek on Dina’s shoulder.

“Thank you for watching him.” Dina dropped a kiss to the side of JJ’s head. Glancing aside at Ellie she smiled into the dark tufts of hair on in head. “I’m glad he got to see you today.”

“Technically I held him for a bit after Maria took care of him.” Ellie pouted with a shrug. “I’d be happy to take all the credit.” Dina smiled and JJ yawned again, grabbing at the collar of Dina’s work jacket.

“Well him and I are both beat, I’m gonna take him back home for a nap.” Dina reached past Ellie, the honey smell overtaking her nostrils, grabbing a few fries for herself and giving one to JJ. She spoke to Maria and Esther, but Ellie heard none of it. Too caught up in the smudge of grease by Dina’s temple obscured by her hair, in the dimple of her cheeks as she laughed, the easy way Dina shifted herself while holding JJ. Dina had stopped talking to the rest of the table and was staring fondly at Ellie.

Embarrassed, Ellie offered JJ a goodbye high three and a quiet. “Later tater.” Before watching them leave, returning JJ’s wave from over Dina’s shoulder.

The older women stared at her, knowing smirks on their faces.

“What?!” Ellie scowled. They said nothing, cocking their heads in sync with eerie precision.

“Fuck off both of you.” Ellie grumbled, head in hands as she stared at the leather knife case. Her lips quivered as she tried not to give in and laugh with them. Failing miserably.

\--- --- ---

“Hey, you’re gonna thank me when I tell you I got us a new shift today. No sewage for us!” Barry called out excitedly, running up to her as she finished tying her hair out of her face in front the maintenance trailer.

“Well, what’s the alternative?” She was somewhat relieved she wouldn’t have to spend her last day mucking around in the towns ancient sewage system.

“We’re taking that lumber over there and finish fixing up a collapsed porch before the next storm rolls in.”

“Greeeaat. Manual labor.” They shouldered a stack of lumber each and headed off towards the lot between the main area and residential area, where they kept the work trucks. Ellie grabbed a larger stack than Barry, reveling in the way she could easily carry triple the weight of what she could manage mere months ago.

She had grown working maintenance, where patrols kept her lean and thin, manual labor had added a bit more muscle and sturdiness to her frame. She was thin, but not as lanky as she’d one been. Ellie was in the best possible shape of her life. Something she never really cared about before. After over a year of living outside herself, unable to eat, maintaining just enough strength to complete basic tasks, the changes were welcome. Her forearms now corded when she picked away at her six string, she needed new jeans to accommodate the muscles in her thighs and calves.

The moment of bravery when she dared to look in the mirror, and saw a new woman, no longer a complete stranger stare back at her. Shoulders broad, arms defined. The green eyes that stared back from a handsome face had more life in them and Ellie saw for the first time a glimpse of the woman her mother had written about in the letter she kept pressed between the pages of an old journal.

Ellie felt less detached, there were elements that made her, her still. Freckles still covered her face and chest, her hair was vibrant and healthy. Long enough now she kept it in a messy half bun atop her head. The lower parts still growing out she pushed them behind her ears. Her scars stood out against her pale skin, yet they no longer appeared to take up her whole frame as they had when she returned to the farm house, weak, frail and dangerously thin. Her scars had seemed to stretch across her arms and torso like worn paths. She hid them under longer shirts, feeling fourteen again, hiding a secret underneath long sleeved shirts. Now she only saw them as a representation of the hardships she had survived.

“Thought you’d be a bit more grateful I saved you from the sewers, especially after you had your first watch shift.” Barry’s words pulled her out of her introspection. The light of dawn broke through the early morning fog.

“My hero. You want a medal or something?”

“Nah, I’d rather win a round over at the Bison.” He baited, like always.

“Alright, what’s the challenge?” She bit, as always.

“We forego the truck and whoever makes it to the site first wins.” Barry hefted a stack of two by fours onto his shoulder and his tool like n the other. Ellie wrapped her tool box to her hand with some scrap cloth and hefted her own stack up onto her shoulder. Feeling confident in her victory already when he wobbled under the weight of his load. “Most of the supplies have already been left there.”

“Alright where is the site?”

Ignoring her, Barry took off with a bark of twisted glee.

“What the fuck! You fucking cheat!”Adjusting her load for the task, Ellie chased after him, comfortably catching up and keeping a steady pace behind as they twisted down the roads of Jackson, slowing every time he started to lose wind, it’d be easier to overtake him in the end.

“Where the fuck are we goin, man?” Ellie called out, when the hair on her arms stood up as the houses became more and more familiar until they broke past the cemetery and the dirtied white paneling of Joel’s house came into view.

Wordlessly, Barry cut in front of her heading towards the last house she wanted to approach. The spirit of competition overtook her and with a burst of speed she jogged past him and through the double gate that had been left open. She unceremoniously dumped the bundles of wood on the several stacks that were already placed in front of the garage she’d called home once. 

Turning, Ellie saw the pile of rotted wood that once made up the porch where she and Joel said their last words to each other. Her nose flared as she tried to get herself under control. Breathing erratically, she let her eyes wander, trying to find something she could distract herself with. The windows to her old place she noted had been blacked out. She wanted to know what was behind them, but that door was no longer hers to open. Pinching her arm with her left hand she focused on the sting of pain, let it keep her in the backyard. 

“Yo, Ellie go see if someone’s home and give ‘em a heads up that were gonna be doing some work.” Barry wheezed out behind her. Bent over with his hands on his knees trying to catch his breath, instead sounding like his lung had been punctured.

“What? I won, you go do it!” Barry slumped to the ground, rolling onto his back struggling to breathe.

“Winner’s get to talk to the owner and then gets a beer.” Winded, Barry pulled two bottles out from the bottle of his tool box, both looking dangerously under pressure. She scowled.

“You lost and you get a beer?” She pointed out, crossing her arms, absentmindedly picking at a hole in her sleeve. Trying not to think about the last time she was near the house proper.

“Who even lives here now?” Ellie could feel the tremors building up at the base of her skull.

“I ‘unno?” Barry shrugged. Placing his hand to his chest, trying to get more air into his lungs. “Last time I been this way was to help fix up the western wall a couple years back.”

Ellie grumbled as she stepped over her gasping friend and trudged through the gate back up to the front of the house. Head kept down, she tread carefully as though stepping to hard would cause the house itself to crumble. Before she realized she was staring at the bottom of the door. A tremor over took her arm and she took a few breaths measuring them out for four and eight counts until she felt more in control.

Ellie scrubbed her face with her hand. It was just a fucking door, she could do this. Her hands shook, not as powerfully as they had two years ago. She wished Dina was here, her presence made it so much easier. Taking a deep breath Ellie knocked three times with the meat of her fist. She took a few steps back staring at the tip of her black work boots, where the material had been worn away to show the steel of the toe. The door creaked open and Ellie spoke more to the brown door mat on the porch than the person in the doorway.

“Hey we’re here to fix your porch…” Ellie worked her jaw Familiar boots stepped out onto the mat and Ellie whipped her head up so fast her neck cracked. “Dina?” Her brows knitted so deeply the hairs tied up in her bun hurt from the movement. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

“I live here.” Dina rested a hip on the door frame. Arms crossed, fingers drumming along her bicep as her eyes carefully traced Ellie’s face.

“You, you said you lived at Jesse’s folks place.” Ellie despised how upset she sounded, the cracking pitch of her voice reminding her of Sergei trying to find Dina after the incident at the Bison.

“Did I?” Ellie thought about it. Dina hadn’t said she lived with Jesse’s folks outright, but Ellie dropped her off there often enough. Watched her go in and shut the lights off.

“How long have you been living here?!”

“It’s been two months sin-”

“Two? Two months!?” Ellie interrupted, her mind spun faster than she could keep up with as she tried to place when things changed in the last two months.

Exasperated, Dina glared at her, “I’ll tell you if you let me finish my fucking sentence.” she paused and straightened stepping closer to Ellie. “You done? Two months since I arrived back in Jackson.” That was almost a fucking year. Ellie bit the inside of her cheek trying to calm down. Past Dina in the door way was the Hamsa, of course she had never seen one at the other house. Hung up next to the door was Joel’s wind chimes. She had been so fucking blind. Dina had taken them and then hid the truth. She tasted iron as her skin was punctured by the force of her bite. Her blood tasting as bitter as she felt.

“Well, when were you gonna tell me you were living here?”

“When I fucking got to it, Ellie!” Dina’s voice broke on her name, she leaned against the post, an arm wrapped around her stomach, holding on to her elbow in a grip so tight Ellie could see the indents in her skin from where she stood. She covered her face with her hand, three fingers covering her mouth, while her pointer caught in the space where her brows pinched together.

Her shoulders started shaking, and Ellie instantly she felt like an ass. Yet, she pressed on, wanting to feel justified because she was hurt. Letting herself circle back again to the beginning as though she hadn’t spent the last six months trying to grow.

“You’ve been living in Joel’s house almost a fucking year and you didn’t even bother to fucking tell me?” Ellie gestured angrily, throwing a hand out towards the front of the house.

“Oh what. I owe you?” Dina dropped her hands to her side standing up straight. “Is that it Ellie? I owe you because you showed up? Because you left and came back is that it?”

“It would have been nice to know.” Ellie tapped a boot lightly at the wood. “So I’m supposed to be okay with you living here without telling me?” The anger and insecurity sprang forth from her mouth like a well of hot iron, thick and choking. “You lying to me this whole time!?”

“I didn’t lie to you. I just withheld information that I thought you didn’t need to know.”

“Oh, like that’s any better.” Ellie turned and clomped down the stairs, her boots heavy on the old wood. Stepping on to the yard muttering to herself. “I should have fucking known. This is such bullshit.”

It’s not a betrayal but it feels like one.

“Ellie, where are you going?” Dina called after her. When she kept walking, the outrage in Dina’s voice rose higher than Ellie could ever remember hearing it. “Don’t you dare turn your back on me. You don’t get to walk away from me anymore.”

Ellie whipped back around to glare at her. The well of anger left untapped since Ellie returned to Jackson finally burst. It made her wild, almost feral, out of control. Her body felt like the car she stole for a joyride when she was ten.

Getting it started hadn’t been the problem. The problem lied in stopping. Too short to reach the pedals, too uneducated in how cars actually worked she could only cling to the wheel as the vehicle picked up speed, veering wildly until unstoppable force met unmovable object and she hit a wall. Eyebrow splitting open on the wheel. This time if she didn’t regain control, figure out a way to stop, there would be someone else in the path of the car that got hurt as well.

“I didn’t do anything, you’re the one that lied. You’ve been in Joel’s house, you know how I’ve felt about him, and you lied!” Dina’s eyes widened and her jaw dropped, indignant over what Ellie was suggesting. Her face morphed into a fierce scowl. When she spoke it was slow, deliberate, dangerous, a reminder of her strength.

“Don’t you dare, Ellie! I’m not allowed to be mad? We have to play nice with each other until I fuck up? Is that it? You get to walk away when you don’t like what I’ve done?” The fury in Dina’s voice eclipsed by the congested way her words catch whenever she put other’s pain before her own. When she’d been holding everything in. “But I have to be okay with you leaving when you decide things get too fucking hard?”

Suddenly it’s their first fight on the farm all over again. Ellie unable to handle her feelings and Dina calling out after her as she runs off to hunt. It’s every fight until their last. They all ended the same way, it’s who they are at their core, Dina always stays and Ellie always runs.

“You’re mad at me for not saying anything when you’re the one who never fucking talked to me about what was going on with you! You just ran off!” There is a low warning in her tone and Ellie, had never been good at heeding warnings. She faced the gate and started walking.

“I can’t do this right now.”

“God dammit, Ellie! Just fucking talk to me!” Dina croaked after her.

A light wind picked up, blowing the hair off of Ellie’s face. Behind her the familiar light tones of Joel’s wind chimes sounded, forcing her to clench her eyes tight.

_What the hell were you thinkin’? Runnin’ off in the middle of the night like that. You talk to me._

Echoes within echoes of the past bounced off the walls of empty lodges, hospitals, farms... porches. The empty shell of the person she had become, they echoed and reverberated within _her_ until the pressure grew beyond what she could handle. The echoes coalesced into one deep thunderous rumble building up from every moment she fucked up in the past and stopped at the very moment she found herself in now. Throwing off the veil she’d been seeing the world through, and gifting her with the stark clarity she needed to move forward.

With that clarity Ellie heard a line threading through the fear and hurt in Dina’s voice, weaving underneath all the anger and pain, pulling herself together like she always does. Every time they fought, Dina would stitch the wound together and kiss it better. That stitch wasn’t going to hold. Not this time. It wasn’t some one handed job in the basement of a theater, this wound required a medical team. The wound had festered and before it could be dressed, it had to be cleaned.

Ellie stilled, taking even breaths until she could face Dina who leaned against the railing post for support, fist on her chin which trembled, so perceptibly, before she gritted her teeth and glared so tempestuously. Ellie felt like a knife red hot from the forge, doused in cold water.

The anger inside her evaporated into shame, and Ellie moved towards Dina. Cautiously, hands kept out at her side. Dina’s watery red eyes following her every movement, face curled up in a pained sneer that softened with every step Ellie took. Ellie moved slowly until she reached the steps in front of Dina, slowly she raised her line of sight until it fell to Dina’s face, her expression, hardened neutrality.

One by one she carefully took the stairs until she was a step down from where Dina stood on the porch. Staring at freckled collarbones peeking out from an orange scooped shirt, Ellie rested her head against the cool wood of the railing post trying to sap some of it’s strength for herself. They both sighed. Watery and broken.

Ellie reached out with her hands, loosely holding Dina’s right hand in her left, so she could pull away if she wanted too. Ellie traced the veins of her hand feather light with her right hand. The comfortable, familiar topography of Dina tying her to the spot.

Fingers twitching against the warm palm, Ellie took note of the new scars, mostly burns from work, with the exception of a pink jagged little thing that crossed her knuckles of her first three fingers. No matter the injury, Dina wore the scars like a badge, a testament to all the pain she overcame in her life. Ellie wondered how decorated Dina would look on the inside after all the pain she’d put her through. Would those scars even be considered badges?

“Dina, I’m sorry I snapped. I’m... hurt, but that doesn’t excuse my behavior.” Ellie gulped, saying her thoughts out loud was so difficult. She glanced up at Dina’s tight jaw, the thin scar there bone white from the stress.

Ellie really fucked her up. She continued.

“But you’re hurt too. And I want to talk with you about this.” She loosely gestured to the house. “When you’re ready. M’not walking away from you, okay?” Ellie circled a small oval scar with her thumb wishing it was soothing. “Technically I’m still on shift.” She nodded towards the back where hopefully Barry hadn’t heard any of this. “I want to fix this...us... but it has to wait until after I fix the porch.” Dina removed her hand from between Ellie’s, placing it on the post above her head.

“Ellie.” Dina sounded worn out. “I need some time to calm down. Can I have that?”

“Whatever you need, Dina. It’s yours.”

“I’m so tired of feeling on edge.”

“I know.” Ellie pressed her tongue against the hole inside her cheek. The bitter copper taste of her blood fading. “I wanna work with you. If that’s what you want too.” She added hastily. “I’ll go away if that’s what you want.”

Dina reached down to cup Ellie’s chin, tilting her face until their eye’s met. Ellie felt a tear slip out and Dina wiped at it with her thumb. Shaking her head no.

“I just got you back,” Dina closed her eyes tight, the wrinkles cut deep into her forehead. Her breath mired in the back of her throat. “I have things I need to tell you too.”

“I’ll listen.”

Pushing the loose strand of Ellie’s hair that seemed to always escape her hair tie behind her ear, Dina traced Ellie’s jaw with the tips of her fingers before Ellie brought a hand up, clasping her fingers feather light around Dina’s wrist, moving into the touch. Making a silent promise that she would never dare break again.

The moment was over before it began and Dina dropped her hand, closing her eyes as if in a silent prayer. When she opened them she tucked her lip briefly and nodded, considering Ellie.

“I’ll let you know when I’m ready.”

“Yeah, no rush.”Ellie took a step back nearly falling down the rest of the stairs. Too caught up in how elegant Dina was with her sadness. Where Ellie made a mess of paint splattered on the walls, Dina spun her grief into tapestries.

With all of her focus on the woman in front of her shut down the part of her brain aside that regulated where her limbs went. Her foot slipped and she caught herself on the railing, pulse racing as her heart practically dropped into her kneecaps. “You didn’t see that.” Ellie gasped. Dina’s face widened in surprise before she snorted, shaking her head dubiously. She rolled her eyes, the corner of her lip twitching upwards.

Ellie watched from the bottom of the stairs as Dina stepped back inside the house, shutting the door behind her. When she thought she was in the clear Ellie palmed her face and groaned.

“I’m such a fucking idiot.” Taking a few deep breaths, Ellie headed back through the gate and rounded the corner onto Barry.

“Did you know Dina lives here?” Insecurity shot from her mouth like a flare in the night.

“Dina like your Dina?” Barry stared at the house hard enough it seemed he was testing to see if he had some sort of x-ray powers, before shrugging. “Look, dude I had no clue who lives here. Honest.” He scratched at his wrist underneath his leather cuff. “I don’t even live in this sector. Hell, I don’t know everyone who lives in my sector.” He put down the saw he was using, moving to stand in front of Ellie. His brown eyes shifting over her face with sincere concern. When Ellie finally made eye contact with him, he placed a hand on her shoulder. “You know I wouldn’t do that to you… or Dina. If I had known, I wouldn’t have fucking traded shifts.”

She could tell all he had wanted was to make her last shift a good one. Ellie deflated, facing the work site. The foundation had been set and the rotting wood had been removed and tossed in front of her old place. All they had left to do was finish the damn thing. With a heavy sigh she nudged him with her elbow. “Let’s get this over with.”

“Gee, don’t sound too excited.”

She turned to Barry, “I’m not leaving until this porch is finished.”

“I know you’re going to miss working with me but this is ridiculous.” Barry teased, picking his saw back up and positioning it over the groove he had already started in the wood.

“You don’t have to help once your shift is done.” Ellie opened her tool kit and grabbed what she needed.

“I mean I’m gonna help you. At the very least let me complain about it.”

Together they set to rebuilding, plank by plank the porch she stood on for the last time two years ago. Barry stayed without question. Measuring and cutting down the two by fours, hammering in nails, holding posts till while she drilled. When they took a break to eat, they came back to a pitcher and two glasses of cool water set out on a small wooden table by the shed, a note underneath one of the glasses that read in Dina’s neat rounded handwriting:

_soon_

a post script with a little smiley face just below it:

_watch the steps_

Ellie could do soon.  Sh e felt herself smile at Dina’s lopsided heart next to the D she signed all her notes with.  Folding up the paper,  s he tucked i t into the  left breast pocket of her work shirt.  Her awareness of the steps however, was out of her hands.

Between the two of them, Ellie and Barry went through the pitcher quickly as the day grew warm, taking off their outer layers and resting in the shade for a little bit. Trading bad jokes and talking about comics, the work went by and soon it grew dark. The air chilly enough they had to put their shirts back on.  The house lights stayed off, however, the back light was turned on at some point, moths fluttered around beating themselves against the glass in a desperate attempt to reach the light.

They still had the stairs and railing to work on when Cedric showed up in the evening to Ellie’s surprise. He appraised their work before clapping a hand on Ellie’s shoulder.

“You really think I wouldn’t put two and two together when the team I sent to work on my daughters house came back from the sewers?” He rolled his sleeves up and started measuring out the stringers for the stairs. “Besides, you’re terrible with wood. You’ll build a wall and tell us it’s supposed to be steps.”

Later, when they finished and Cedric left them to tidy up, Ellie found herself sitting next to Barry on the rotted part of the old porch. Head rested against the siding of her former apartment, appraising their handy work. She was covered in saw dust and dirt, her clothes clung to her with sweat, and her left finger was swelling from when she mistook it as a nail head. All in all she was pretty fucking impressed with herself.

“Damn fine job.” She held out her left hand and Barry slapped his against it. Her wide grin mirroring his.

“I can’t believe this is your last shift. Don’t forget about us little people.” He held out the now warm beer he brought with him. She took it and they clinked their glasses together.

“For fuck’s sake Barry, it’s not like you aren’t gonna see me.” She took large sip of the beer, still warm from spending the day in the sun, still satisfying after all their hard word. “You’re so dramatic.”

He responded with a deeply affronted noise and shoved her, she shoved back and before she knew it they were grappling, laughter carrying up into the sky.

\--- --- ---

Two days later she still hadn’t heard from Dina. Ellie stayed home from the weekly dinner, opting to say she felt like shit and that she’d see JJ the next afternoon. She hated doing that, but her emotions were a jumble and the last thing she wanted was to put JJ in the middle of whatever her and Dina were doing. Inevitably she found herself in Maria’s kitchen that evening. She arrived head down without any announcement, half hoping Maria wasn’t home. When Maria opened the door and wordlessly stepped aside saying nothing but offering a quiet rub of the shoulders, Ellie felt her throat closing.

“Did you know Maria?” Maria’s lips tucked into her mouth the way she got when she tried to keep herself together. Ellie’s heart caught in her throat.

“Why?” When Ellie finally spoke, it was less of a word and more of a broken sob.

“She begged me not to tell you. That she would tell you when she was ready.” Maria’s admission was collected, gentle in it’s execution. “I have to respect that. It’s not my place.” She led Ellie into the kitchen and put a percolater on the stove.

Ellie wanted to be mad, wanted to let it burn and consume her until she didn’t feel anything anymore. In years past, it was the only thing she found soothing, instead her body felt exhausted by the thought. She padded across the kitchen, pulling mugs down from the cabinets harshly enough to rattle surrounding glasses.

Ellie placed them on the corner and braced her hands against it, leaning back with a long exhale. Her jaw clenched, the pain enough to focus on while she tried to keep herself together. Sharp breaths faded into measured counts, her anger dissipated, reminiscent of the fog in the early Santa Barbara morning. After all was said and done on the beach, the cloudy haze had lifted, giving her a clear view of what to do next. There would always be dark, clouded unknowns. If she waited long enough, the fog would clear into something she could work with.

Maria stepped next to her, she placed the pot of coffee next to the mugs. Her opposite hand hovering over Ellie’s back. Waiting, patient as always, until inevitably Ellie caved, letting herself sink into her embrace.

“I’m sorry, Maria.” Ellie whispered into her aunt’s shoulder. “I feel like it’s been this big lie. I know it’s not like what Joel did. But why does it feel like it is?”

“Trust is earned. On both sides. You both have had to deal with an immense loss of trust. It makes sense to be more cautious.”

“Fuck.” Ellie pressed her forehead into Maria’s collarbone. She didn’t even fucking think about it that way. “I fucked up. She probably hates me so much right now.” They stood still for a few moment, until Maria lightly cleared her throat.

“I offered before JJ was born. For her to think about. At the time it wasn’t what she wanted. And I, I told her that I’d keep the offer open for a few years. I didn’t realize she never talked about it with you.” Maria sighed forcefully, the hair tucked behind Ellie’s ear, falling out of place at the intensity of it. “She was always so damn adamant about that farmhouse.” She sniffed. “I don’t think I could have given that house away to just anyone. Tommy used to spend some nights there after Seattle.”

Maria said it casually yet hearing his name fall from her lips made Ellie stiffen. Deep remorse long jammed down began shifting and moving within her. As though his name was a body being unearthed. She stepped out of Maria’s embrace, focusing on the stain on the wall over Maria’s shoulder that resembled the fungal plate of a clicker.

“How uh. Hows he doing?” Ellie swallowed, scratching at her face. She’d avoided asking for so long, not wanting to hurt Maria after everything she sacrificed to keep Ellie safe.

“You really wanna know?” Ellie nodded her head, busying herself with pouring out some coffee into each mug. “We correspond. He’s been out at the old town few hours away. Him and a group of volunteers have been turning it into a sort of rest stop. His goal is to also have a functioning trading post. It won’t be as high tech as Jackson, but we’ll still be able to help outsiders without risking the town now.”

Oh. “That’s smart. Good for him, glad he’s got something to do.” Ellie blew on her drink and took a sip. It burned her tongue and she screwed he face up in discomfort.

“You don’t have to pretend for my sake.” Maria took a step back folding her arms and leaning a hip on the counter. “He and I are adults. We still have work to do.” She bit at her thumb, avoiding eye contact. Reminiscent of how she had responded to letting Ellie and Dina go two years ago. Ellie touched at Maria’s shoulder hoping it helped settle her aunt’s inner turmoil. She really was about as good as Joel had been with comforting people.

“No. No. I am genuinely glad. It’s Tommy.” Ellie gave a half shrug as if that explained everything perfectly.

He was still family. Pages of her journal had been devoted to working out her feelings about the man. They both made choices they couldn’t take back. Hurt people that they cared about. He hadn’t come round Jackson since she got back and part of her missed him. Deep down she knew the man who taught her how to use a scope proper and cook half-decent stew was still there. He hadn’t been brought up in conversation since then either. Tommy remained the only person she couldn’t talk to anyone about. “I think he needed something to direct him.”

Maria hummed noncommittally, picking up her mug. Ellie observed Maria as she sipped her drink, tears collected at the corners of her eyes, never falling. Disappearing completely when Maria blinked several times at the ceiling. So much of her own pain kept at bay all these years.

This woman who got up and ran a town, putting the needs of others before her own. Ellie saw the weight of it in the way her frame sagged when she thought no one could see. There were few things she ever did just for herself.

It hit her then, and Ellie understood, got why she kept her promise to Dina. It wasn’t a slight against Ellie. It was a woman who also lost the love of her life to the same sick disease that infected the darkest parts of Ellie’s mind. The twisted vision of justice that grew into the walls and waited until the right moment to burst forth and overtake it’s prey like a stalker.

That didn’t mean she loved her any less, after all it had been Maria who checked in with her first whenever things got weird with Joel. Maria who told Jesse not to pair them together anymore after everything went down in Salt Lake. Maria who sent Tommy over with food to try and stop her from getting herself killed. Before Joel, Tommy did his duty to her, kept that weight from crushing her.

They had been a team. Tommy might have been the one who sat next to her and tried to talk her out of pursuing Abby, his words had been Maria’s. They tried to protect her from what she inevitably became. Tried to get her to understand that the last thing Joel wanted was for her to die for him.

In a different time, maybe she listened to them. In a different time, maybe Tommy didn’t let her words push him towards trying to sacrifice himself. In a different time they could have worked something out and been smart about the whole fucking thing. No one should have left. Joel wouldn’t have wanted his brother to go get himself killed. Joel most certainly would have chained Ellie down before he ever let her go off on such a suicide mission.

“I’m still hurt no one told me.” Ellie started, she was allowed her feelings – as was Dina and Maria theirs – fidgeting with her stumps in the opposite hand, “But I think I get why you didn’t tell me about Dina.” The pressure on her fingers didn’t hurt like they used to, the absence of pain just as clarifying. “And thank you, for doing that for her. She’s lucky to have you in her corner too.”

Ellie reached for her mug, mirroring the other woman, sipping from it quietly.

If a tear fell from Maria’s eye, Ellie didn’t say anything about it.

\--- --- --- --- ---

Exhaustion refused to claim her despite how long the day felt. It had been five days since she really talked with Dina. They had been formal with one another when she picked up JJ after his sleepover two nights ago. He threw a fit when they left, crying because Jonesy had to stay. It was obvious, Dina didn’t have the energy to talk about her day, let alone what was going on between them. The distance she felt with Dina in the first two months bled through in that moment.

It kept Ellie up, picking away at her six string mindlessly, her calluses finally built up enough to make playing for hours feel like nothing. She leaned forward scribbling a line of chords underneath the lyrics she had written. Jonesy shifted and curled up next to her head on the top of the couch. His soft purring a nice break from the grooming he subjected her to an hour before. Across the RV the soft pinks of early morning painted her walls. She rubbed under her eyes with her thumb and forefinger.

“You know,” she drew the pad of her middle finger down the soft fur on the bridge of his nose, causing him to startle, eye popping open before slowly closing as he nuzzled into the attention. Ear going back “You’re not too bad, cat.” He purred louder, until he was surprised by three loud knocks. He hissed and ran behind the curtain onto the bed. Ellie sighed, outside the window, first light casting a pale ghost across the darkened sky. She placed her guitar on the middle of the table and went to open the door.

Dina stood there, chin tucked against the side of JJ’s head, whispering for him to quiet. JJ was wailing in her arms looking more lost than Ellie could ever remember seeing her. She was pale, her eyes were red, the bags beneath them dark and heavy. Her hair was frazzled, a few spots clearly pulled out of her pony tail. Ellie swallowed down the sharp bite of panic in her throat, and hopped out the RV. Gently pulling JJ into her arms, stroking along his spine in a comforting manner, “You’re okay, little spud. I got you.” She murmured, “I got you.”

She whispered puns and kissed his head until he quieted down. His face was wet and splotchy, raw from crying. He sniffled and spoke a few words she couldn’t make out. It was best to get inside before one of her neighbors got up and complained. Ellie stepped aside for Dina to head in, when she made no motion to move, Ellie ducked her head down, trying to get Dina to meet her gaze. “Are you okay?”

Two fat tears fell from Dina’s eyes onto the soft dirt below. She shuddered wet and low, licking her lips before dabbing her fingers at her eyes. “He woke up, and just refused to go back to sleep. He missed that stupid cat.”

“Okay.” Ellie nodded. “Okay. C’mon lets go inside.”

Jonesy hadn’t moved from the top of the bed and as soon as they pushed the divider aside, her son lit up at the sight of his new friend, the fuzzy bastard fluidly moving until he had his head in JJ’s hands. Happy for the distraction Ellie set to tucking JJ in, nesting all of her blankets in the center of the bed. When that was set up Jonesy tucked in to JJ who hugged him close and yawned. Content that he wasn’t going anywhere any time soon, Ellie kissed him goodnight and steeled herself before trying to attend to Dina.

“Hey,” Ellie crouched down next to the couch. Putting a hand next to Dina’s thigh. “You okay?”

“I’m tired.”

“If you two wanna take the bed I’ll take the couch. I wasn’t sleepin-” Ellie began to offer.

“I’m tired of not being fully honest with you.”

“Okay.”

“I don’t want to talk about it right now.” Dina paused. “But, we need to talk about it.”

“We do.” Ellie agreed, gently pulling off Dina’s boots, before standing. “It can wait.”

Dina hugged herself and shuddered. Ellie lightly kicked her foot against the couch, tapping her fingers against her palm, trying to figure out how the fuck she could ease this pain for Dina. Her journal still open in front on the table, the song she had been working on wasn’t finished, it could wait, there were others. She picked up her guitar and tuned it quietly.

“What are you doing, Ellie?” Her voice was tired, yet her eyes shown with the playful curiosity Ellie loved.

“Well, I owe you a song and dance right? Half now half later.” Ellie shrugged into the guitar strap, as she strummed a few chords experimentally. It was still awkward at times, to play. The movements came easier to her than the first time she learned.

“You don’t have to. It’s fine.” Dina said. Ellie ignored that, instead adjusting her fingers on the stock.

“Promise me that you won’t make fun of me.”

“I won’t.”

“Promise? Or make fun of me?” Dina dimly smiled at that and tucked herself on the couch proper to watch Ellie.

Ellie stood in the middle of the RV and quietly began to play the song she had been working on. The song itself was another old tune from Joel’s time. He introduced it to her one night when she heard him singing along as he cooked them dinner. Some love song the singer wrote for his girlfriend to listen to when he was on tour. He sung about love and how being away from her couldn’t stop their love, nor could the fights they had. Joel had said he used to sing it to Sarah’s mother when they first got together and he went away for work. Ellie spent most of the past week transposing it into something she could play. She hadn’t performed it fully yet, and as daunting as it felt, Dina was the only one she wanted to share this part of the process with. Share this new her, scrapped and rebuilt, imperfect and unwhole.

Where her hands fumbled over chords Ellie’s voice held on tight. Laced with the painful moments she spent tucked away in basements waiting for hordes to pass with her heart and mind full of JJ. Of Dina. Dina. _Always Di_ _na._

The song finished and Ellie couldn’t look up now because if she did she feared the illusion would break and she would wake from this dream, bleeding out in some snare, hundreds of miles away from this new life.

“Was that an Ellie original?”

Ellie smiled, licking out at her bottom lip a little. “No, but I can if you want.” She strummed a few discordant notes, singing out of tune “Dina, I’m sorry I fucked up, please forgive me.”

“Okay, torture is not an effective apology.” Dina sniffled and finally stood, her eyes red and face wet. Ellie wanted to make this work, whatever happened between them, Dina was the one she would always love. She started a new tune. Dina stepped behind her, arms snaking around Ellie’s middle, hugging herself against Ellie’s back. Placing a delicate kiss on her shoulder over the wound she had carefully sewn shut years ago.

Ellie stopped playing and Dina’s grip tightened. “Please Ellie,” Dina whispered into the thin tank top fabric. “Don’t stop.” Ellie acquiesced and continued, the notes of “Ecstasy” coming easily to her. Dina’s grip tightened and she began to rock them both gently on the spot. The delicate creak of the RV floor and Jonesy’s gentle purring the only other sounds around them.

“What are you doing?” Ellie asked, whisper quiet. Not wanting to scare Dina off and end whatever was happening between them.

“Multitasking. I’m getting my song and dance.” Against her shoulder Ellie felt Dina’s face scrunch up in that pained way it got that night in Seattle or the first time she found Ellie out in the barn staring out at the sky. When Dina took on too much and defaulted to the only comfort she knew.

“For someone who really wants me to play you are making it very difficult.” Ellie joked, rewarded with a puff of laughter against her neck that tingled all the way to her toes.

“You’ll figure it out.”

Ellie did eventually. Playing song after song, as Dina held onto her, swaying together gently until the morning light rose through the curtains. And as it did, Ellie understood that love wasn’t this beautiful, unbroken thing. When you boiled love down to it’s bare bones, stripped it’s flesh away all you had left, was two broken people holding a candle to each others darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter definitely hurt me as much as it hurt you, but it had to be done. 
> 
> UP NEXT: JUST WHAT THE FUCK DINA HAS BEEN UP TO
> 
> I had a lot of fun designing Ellie's new knife if anyone wants to look up a better visual of the blade the steel its made from is called damascus steel which just looks real cool and kinda like water, which for hopefully obvious reasons, is why I chose it. 
> 
> Jonesy is my first time really writing in an animal as a character. His temperament is based off a friends old cat. He was sweet even though he could be a bit of an ass. Props if you figured out all easter eggs for his name. Some other choices were Ripley, Buzz, Sputnik, and Shepard (not that Shepard, the other one). 
> 
> So with the way pacing has changed this puppy is probably going to be around 12/13 chapters including an epilogue. Diving into Ellie's character has changed a lot of what I originally had planned so this is subject to change. 
> 
> Thanks as always for reading and being real swell! If you wanna chat or threaten me in my inbox, I'm over on Tumblr now @[ dissonantdreamer](https://dissonantdreamer.tumblr.com)


	9. Nothing Worth Having Comes Without Some Kind of Fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JJ hears a story.  
> Esther teaches a lesson.  
> Dina opens up.  
> Ellie guides herself home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all, as always no beta, deeply apologetic for any grammar/lack of decent editing. I think I'm getting better at it? 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and leaving nice comments. Really helps my brain out. Enjoy the ride.

Something had shifted between them that morning in the glow of a new day, as they held each other until Dina had to leave with JJ. The distance between them felt less daunting, like she could reach out. Of course the world didn’t care that they were trying to repair their broken friendship. Ellie had started her shifts on watch and setting up new radio outposts required Dina to travel and the time they had set to talk had been pushed aside when reports of Hunters attacking the coms at the dam made it back to Maria.

Dina had dropped JJ off an hour earlier than she was expecting. Hair done up in a loose braid, holster on her hip, and pack on her shoulder. Steadily explaining to Ellie that there was an emergency out over at the dam and her expertise was needed as she passed over their sleepy child. They had parted whispering quiet assurances of safety and a tight hug, JJ between them.

The moment, though fleeting, left Ellie feeling more alive than she had in such a long time. Before Seattle. Before Joel. She was in the middle of a church, surrounded by dozens of people, and the only thing her entire being knew was that she was kissing her best friend after years of believing it would never happen and she was kissing her back. The shell of dead flesh she wore for the past two years had been sloughed off, revealing a raw layer of new skin, slowly healing.

Knowing Dina had become such an important member of the town made her chest burst with pride. Jackson was starting to appreciate the hard working, kind, brilliance she always admired.

Now it was a matter of waiting until she got back. Ellie had a few more hours until she had to drop JJ off with Robin and head off to another watch shift. She was enjoying her time with her son, even if it was short. And filled with fur.

Jonesy licked her forehead, his tongue rough and scratchy where he cleaned her. She tried signaling to him she could do without a bath by moving her head back, which he responded to by placing his paw on her temple and pulling her forward to clean her hair. With a defeated sigh Ellie gave up.

“I guess this is fuckin’ happening now.” Ellie grumbled.

Now that there were two critters running around her all morning she had much less real estate to work with. JJ napped, tucked into her side, her left arm curled protectively around his back, hand resting loosely on his side. Ever since he was big enough to sleep in the bed with them he preferred it over his crib. Sleepily he had grasped her thumb in his hand, forcing her to get creative with the balance of her copy of _The Holes Around Mars_ on her chest, where Jonesy had decided he was going to sit while he gave her a bath.

“Dude, I literally just took a shower. JJ needs a bath go help him.” She pushed his head away lightly and he rolled off of her onto his back, playfully nipping at her hand. “What the hell, man. I’m trying to read.”

Against her side JJ started to wake. His little fist unclenching and clenching around her thumb as he sought out the warm body next to him. An unhappy moan falling from his lips. He always struggled to wake when Dina wasn’t around. Ellie tried to ignore the idea that he did the same when she wasn’t around. That when she left him, he woke himself up crying. Biting her lip she pushed the thought deep down and gently set about being here for him now.

“Hey, buddy.” Ellie took note of what page she was on before laying it down on the sill above her head. Placing her hand along JJ’s back and lifting him onto her chest, his head over her heart. Letting him find comfort in the steady sound, as he woke. “It’s okay. I’m here.” Ellie cooed. His head twisted on her chest until he stared up at her, his big brown eyes focusing with recognition as he smiled happily at her, tears forgotten. His hair stuck out in several directions making him look like a tiny palm tree and she snickered at the sight, smoothing some of his hair down as best as she could. He pushed himself up a little, placing his hand on her face and his forehead on hers. She nuzzled his nose much to his delight. Bright peals of laughter escaped him as she pushed him up in a little toss before bringing him to her chest.

“Hi, El-muh.”

Jonesy stepped over her face to get to JJ and she swore at him, making JJ giggle loudly as he hugged the cat’s neck, stroking with large directionless motions. If Jonesy hated it, he never showed it with the boy. Always patient and mellow with him. Putting a paw up between them if JJ accidentally did something he disliked.

“Hi, cat.” The way the greeted each other you would have thought they had been lost friends torn apart for years.

“While this is truly an emotional reunion, does it need to happen on me?” Ellie huffed, nudging Jonesy’s rear from in front of her face with her free hand. Once JJ had woken up a bit more she left him in Jonesy’s care while she set to prepping for her shift.

Attaching her knife sheath to the waistband of her pants, Ellie moved into the kitchen space, rummaging through her cabinets. She pulled out a tin of jerky Maria left with her and popped a piece in her mouth. Chewing on the flavorful dried meat, she grabbed some bread, cheese, a few bits of dried fruit, and the rest of the jerky tin, shoving it all into a drab olive satchel she’d been using to hold her stuff on watch shifts. Her journal and canteen already packed away. Esther tended to bring extra meals for her, for which she was grateful, outside of stew and grilling, Ellie wasn’t the best chef in the world. She was pretty much the snack master at this point.

Dina had left an overnight bag with Ellie full of JJ’s favorite snacks and a jacket. He’d eaten before he got her and he’d be fed at Robin’s when she dropped him off so she didn’t have to worry too much about him being fed beyond snacking. She picked out mashed peas and sliced tomatoes from the pack and presented him with his options.

“What you feel like for a snack today, Spud?” She held both items out in front of him and he tapped his hand on her left. “Tomatoes it is! Good choice, little dude.” She tossed them in her pack and checked the clock. There was still about two hours left before she made post.

“What’dya say we go visit your Dad for a bit, yeah?” She kept her voice light, but JJ seemed to pick up on the way she held herself. Frowning a little before scooting towards her. She lifted him up and swung him in the basket of her arms, eliciting a fit of giggles from him. “We can leave him something.”

Dressing him and handing him a few toys, Ellie grabbed her satchel and put him on her shoulders as they made their way to Jackson’s cemetery.

It had been two years since they lost Jesse. The anniversary of his death had passed and Ellie hadn’t gone to the grave. She waited until after someone came by to clear some of the memorials and distribute them to the family. It hurt too much to see how dearly her friend was loved and cared for by Jackson’s community when compared to how brutal and carelessly his life had been snuffed out. To Jackson he was a paragon of goodness. To the rest of the world he was nothing. She missed him so fucking much. She still felt too guilty. If she had been faster the bullet would have hit the person that deserved it in that situation. Some nights that moment replayed in her head, no matter the situation he was the first to action, the first through the door. Maybe if she had been faster Dina would have had someone she could have relied on. Could have trusted to stay.

Exhaling heavily Ellie passed through the main gate, JJ talking to her and pointing at the trees and watching excitedly as a few birds flew overhead. Dina’s stone sat on top of his grave. She and JJ had placed it there recently. She paused to give her respects while JJ ran a toy over her head. She tried.

Someone had changed out the old vase with something a little more appropriate for her friend. An emptied bottle of his favorite whiskey now held flowers. They were starting to wilt.

A glint by the bottom of the bottle caught her attention, digging the toe of her boot into ground she uncovered a thin gold necklace, it was plain and she wasn’t near familiar with jewelry enough to appraise it but to her it looked real. She buried it back where she found it. Burying with it the echoes of Jesse giving Tommy absolute shit for the last time in the back of her head. She was here to celebrate not mourn. Actively taking to heart what Dina had told her a month ago. Emotionally, reframing took a lot out of her, but for Dina, she’d try anything.

“Hey, Pops.” Ellie crouched down, carefully putting JJ down next to her. “We came by for a little picnic. I know it’s not booze and board games but maybe snacks and animals might be more your speed.”

“Hungry, spud?” Opening the container of tomato she handed him a slice while they sat facing the grave. She took a deep breath and quietly hyped herself up. “You can do this.”

“What kind of plants do bugs like to sit on?” She paused, waiting for a question that would never come. “Fern-ature.”

JJ laughed smashing some tomato on his jacket, Ellie beamed down at him. “You definitely get this appreciation of good comedy from me. Your dad hated that one.” JJ fed himself another slice and she folded her legs together to give him a better spot to sit. JJ pushed his half a tomato slice into the side of her mouth and she chuckled as she took a bite. “He was a good guy, you’re gonna be just like him in that way. I can feel it.”

“The first time I met your dad, he caught me stealing food from the mess hall. Well, it wasn’t stealing, I just took a lot more than I should have. I wasn’t used to all the food like you are.” Ellie prodded his stomach and he giggled. Tracing the curves of Jesse’s name in stone with her eyes, she swallowed heavily before continuing.

“So he follows me out, all super serious, he tells me to hand over the food I stole. I’m about two seconds from punching him, but I know it’s gonna make Joel mad if I do that so I go to hand over what I took, and he laughs! Tells me he was fuc...er... messing with me and offers up half the sandwich he had. That his name was Jesse and didn’t have time to finish eating.” Some tomato fell on JJ’s chin and she wiped it off with her jacket sleeve.

“You eat just like him too. Always stuffed himself too quick.” They sat together staring at the white stone for a moment until JJ grew restless and crawled out of her arms, grabbing his toys to play with in front of of the grave.

Jesse would have been the best dad and she wanted to celebrate that, pulling out her journal and unclipping her pen from the front, she set about capturing the moment. The light streaming through the trees, JJ playing in front of the grave. She added a light sketch of Jesse, hands in his pockets, easy smile on his face, behind JJ as he watched over his son. It wasn’t much, but it didn’t have to be. Small efforts were still effort.

“Hey, little spud. Do you wanna draw something on the back for your dad?” She helped him grip the pen with his fist and followed his lead as best she could as he dragged the pen around, creating a few squiggly lines. When he stopped she took the pen and from his hands. “Well done, dude.”

Carefully, Ellie tugged at the edge of her journal page, keeping a guiding finger close to the seam of the binding, until the page was freed. “Dang, Potato. You’re lookin’ to be a better artist than me.” She held it out in front of Jesse’s grave. “What do you think?”

Jesse, in all his grace, kept his words to himself so Ellie spoke for him. Setting JJ with a no nonsense stare she did her best impression of her friend. “Looks... like something you’d draw.”

JJ clapped a hand on the grave, using it to pull himself up to toddle towards her, falling into her arms with a giggle.

“Alright bud, time to go. Let’s give dad a high five.” Ellie tapped her open hand against the grave and JJ mimicked the action, facing her to immediately hold his hand out for her to smack. “Go Team Jackson.” she said with a grin, giving him a high three.

“You ready to see Grandma Robin?” Setting JJ down in front of her, Ellie quickly packed away everything they brought scooping him up and doing a few bicep curls with him before giving his face a big raspberry. Leaving was fine until they passed Joel, no, Dina’s house. His face contorting into a confused grimace.

“Mama?” JJ asked as soon as they turned right instead of going home. Moving himself in her arms so his head rested over her shoulder, watching the world behind them.

“Mama, has work. You’ll see her tomorrow.” Ellie cooed, it did nothing to calm him and he protested with sharp cries that broke her heart. Recently, he had been starting to show signs of separation anxiety towards Dina and it always broke her heart. Robin assured them it was normal for his age, but that assurance only went so far when she felt so unfit to handle the outbursts. “I miss her too, spud.”

By the time Ellie got them up the steps to Jesse’s folks place, JJ had thrown his toys four times and hit her in the face with them twice. He screamed and cried until he was done, resting his head on her chest, listening to her sing My Little Buddy Potato over and over.

A year ago, she felt utterly incapable as a parent when he got upset. Now she got it, things are a lot, especially if you’re a baby. Fuck, if she could get away with it, she’d be right there with him screaming and crying. Some days you need to just get it out. She rocked him in her arms until he soothed.

The door swung open as he hand reached for the knob, Robin greeted her with a sympathetic half-smile, as if she'd been waiting for them. Ellie met her eyes and gave her a grateful nod, as she edged past her with JJ, who sniffled and rubbed his fists against his eyes.

“Rough day?” Robin’s voice was pleasant after a trip full of screaming.  
  


“Yeah. Little guy misses his mama.” Ellie kissed his temple, resting her cheek ever so lightly on his head. “We both do.”

“He just misses her cause he’s known her all his life.” Robin placed a hand on his back.

“I figured I put him to bed, he kinda cried himself out.”

“Of course. You can go up if you want now.” She nodded for Ellie to follow her. “Dina told me what happened. I just wanted to apologize.”

“Nothin’ to apologize for,” Ellie shrugged. “You’re her mom. You’re going to look out for her.” Robin touched her forearm, eyes shining before she switched gears to focus on JJ.

“Let’s get him upstairs.” She led the way and Ellie fell in step behind her.

Ellie never got to see Jesse’s room, they always hung out at her place and when they visited after Seattle, she couldn’t carry herself up those steps. Pushing the door open it was clear why Dina never let her up here. One glance around the room and it was easy to tell no one lived in this room permanently. It wasn’t empty by any means, but it wasn’t full of the life that Dina brought into her home.

Ellie laid JJ down in his crib, handing him an old stuffed teddy bear and whispering her goodbyes for the night. Robin had given them Jesse’s old crib, the one that sat next to the door must have come from the community. It was brown and plain, above it hung a few posters of characters from _Housebreaking Rufus_ and a couple of Dina’s embroidery loops that made Ellie's heart clench when she realized the various constellations sewn into them. Orion, Cassiopeia. Scutum. Her breath stuttered when she got to Camelopardalis, the giraffe.

Seattle.

The first night they made camp after Ellie had blindly pushed them to the limit with a cold day of hard travel. Dina distracted her from her sadness by quizzing her about the night sky as Ellie held her from behind. She answered fine until Dina pointed out a section of the early March sky, adjacent to Cassiopeia.

“What about there, is that anything?” Leaning back into her chest, Dina’s voice had been as gentle as the time she coaxed a kitten out from under Joel’s house. Ellie followed her outstretched arm to the tip of her finger. Unable to draw a full breath, Dina had turned in her arms, humming a long forgotten tune until Ellie signaled she was okay. Dina had merely shifted so Ellie was cradled against her, with her head resting on her shoulder.

“The full name is a mouthful. Camelopardalis.”

“That is a mouthful.” Dina tried so hard to keep her spirits up. “Like these almonds, want some?”

Ellie didn’t even bother to answer, she’d lost her appetite when she lost Joel.

“The abbreviation for it is Cam. It’s a giraffe.” The answer mumbled into Dina’s shoulder eventually led to her opening up about her interaction with the real thing. “I got to pet a giraffe once, with Joel. Just before we found where we were headed. This tower had escaped the zoo some time after the outbreak and was roaming free. They came right up to us. It- it was really cool.”

“You’re fucking with me now, aren’t you?” Dina had sounded so suspicious it caught Ellie off guard and she laughed and laughed, broken and unable to stop until drained of energy, she found herself in the limbo between wakefulness and fatigue. Months later, when they finished moving into the farm, it was the first constellation Dina asked her to find under their new sky. They wouldn’t see much of it until after JJ was born.

Tearing her eyes away from the memories the purple thread held, she explored the rest of the room. Pushed up against the opposite wall rested an old daybed with intricately woven iron wrought frame. A few of Robin’s quilts thrown over the mattress. In the middle of the room was a play pen with a mix of toys she tried to make and actually toys.

What caught her attention the most was the rocking chair sat in the corner by the window with an extensive collection of children's books on a small shelf. On the seat of the chair was a familiar maroon cover. Smiling Ellie picked it up and flipped through it. Stopping at the illustration of Jesse holding up JJ for the village to see.

“It’s his favorite.” Robin stepped in behind her, smoothing a hand between Ellie’s shoulders. “I read it to him almost every time he visits.”

“Can, I stay here tonight? After my shift?”

“Of course.”

That night, after her shift Ellie stopped in the hallway she feared so much. Photos of Jesse with his first deer, his shocked face as he sat on Ellie’s shoulders after they fought about if she could even lift him. Him and Dina awkwardly holding each other wearing matching flannel and jeans for their first winter dance. She had given him such shit for that. She got to the end, Cedric and Robin holding a baby Jesse between them, his mother wore the same smile in the photo Dina had of her and JJ. They were like twins.

Resting her head against the wall next to the frame she let a few tears fall. Turning the lights off and making her way up to JJ’s room, she leaned over the side of the crib and gave his forehead a kiss.

She watched his chest rise and fall until exhausted she moved to the day bed. Facing her son, she watched him until her eyes refused to stay open.

Jesse would stay alive. She would make sure of it.

\--- --- --- --- ---

Five days, Ellie would have to wait to talk with Dina for five days. That’s how long she’d been away for. For five days Ellie spent her watch shifts watching the border of trees and pacing until Esther finally had enough.

“Kid, you are gonna wear a hole in this floor and we are gonna fall to our fuckin’ deaths if you.” Esther propped her good leg on the rickety table blocking off Ellie’s path. “Don’t.” She dragged a fold out chair next to her. “Stop.” She stuffed Ellie’s whittling kit into her hands hand and pulled on her arm until she gave up and sat down. “Pacing.”

With an annoyed huff Ellie leaned over and dropped her kit back on the table, next to the logs and ledgers they’d have to fill out later.

“I can’t help it. Dina was supposed to be back yesterday.” Technically she was supposed to be gone one day. However one day turned into two and when Maria came back from the dam, whatever happened, Dina and the rest of the crew would be needed for at least two more.

“Yes, and as Maria said she’s needed at the dam for as long as it takes.” Esther watched her closely. “They got a tight security unit out there, we’re seeing fewer hordes moving through, and the girl can handle herself better than you can apparently.” Ellie ground her jaw, exhaling harshly out her nose. “Alright, what’s got you all worked up huh? Don’t lie to me.”

Ellie frowned, crossing her arms defensively, the tightness in her back worsened at the movement and she finally broke.

“I found out she’s been living at Joel’s, and I uh…” Ellie trailed off trying to think of a word that didn’t make her seem like a dick.

“Was an ass?” Esther gave her a pointed look.

“Hey, am I telling you what happened or what?” Irritated, Ellie pushed the palm of her right hand into her forehead trying to rub away the dull pain that settled there. Esther raised a brow and Ellie caved. “Yeah, I was an ass.”

“That’s what I thought.” Esther countered. She glanced over at Ellie and then out to the section of forest they were keeping watch over. She snickered, turning to stare at her with a sly grin, pissing Ellie off further.

“Care to tell me what’s so fucking funny?” Ellie glared hard at Esther who nudged her fist against Ellie’s shoulder.

“The ways you are like that man without being related to him scares me some times.” She seemed to look through Ellie, eyes unfocused. “You’ll just do or say something and it’s like he’s here in the room.”

“Being an ass?” Ellie quirked a brow, pulling her knife out to pick at dirt underneath her nails.

“I always knew when you were on patrol cause he’d do the same damn thing. Ya just need to keep your hands busy.” Esther tapped a foot next to the kit on the table with a devious grin.

“Oh Ew. I do not need that.” Pocketing her knife she shuddered at the mental image Esther’s tone implied.

Esther laughed heartily, picking her book off the table and flipped to her spot, “Hey I didn’t say shit. You did that to yourself.”

“You hinted.” Huffing, Ellie hunched over and frowned, wishing she had a way to scrub out the inside of her head or detach her eyes from her skull.

She grabbed her kit roll off the table and unrolled it. Pulling out a detail knife, she set to cleaning up the tail fin details on the whale she had managed to carve. Minutes passed and her frustration grew. It was so fucking stupid but she couldn’t focus, not when all she could think about was how she’d been an ass to Joel for so long. It was so stupid now. Swallowing thickly she braced her forearms on her thighs.

“Did he worry about me?” Her question cut through the silence as easily as the blade in her hand could cut through wood. Esther glanced over at her and put a finger between the pages of her book. Crossing her legs and watching the edge of the woods for a moment before speaking.

“Constantly. That you’d be hurt, that you’d get lost, that you’d do something stupid, like forget to put your mask on.” Esther held her gaze for one second too long. Just enough for a spike of panic to pinch the base of her skull, involuntarily Ellie straightened in her seat. “Relax, I never told anyone.’

“Did he… did he tell you??”

“I had my suspicions. I only ever questioned it after our little patrol together. Joel sent you through a window to unlock a door for us without a mask, the room you ended up in was full of spores. I asked him about it and his face gave him away. My job before was knowing how to read people. He broke, told me you were immune so I wouldn’t shoot you.”

“You were gonna shoot me?”

“He was protective of you.” Esther rubbed her lips with her fingers. “Distrustful of everyone else. It never crossed my mind.” She turned her head away. “It sure as hell crossed his.”

“I could handle myself.” Ellie complained. “He never let me.”

“You and I know that. He did too. The difference was that you’re his kid and you were growing up. That’s scary even without having to raise a kid in an apocalypse.”

“Well, I wasn’t his kid.” The words came out before she processed them fully and she cringed at how heartless she sounded. “Fuck, I didn’t mean it like that… He didn’t have to worry so damn much.”

“Blood doesn’t make you family. Esther looked ahead, voice frighteningly firm. “Love does.”

Ellie dropped her shoulders with a sigh, thoughts drifting to JJ. He wasn’t her blood but god damn it he was her kid. She groaned into her hands, thinking of all the ways Dina, Jesse, and her had been little shits.

“Fuck me, JJ’s going to be twice the handful isn’t he?”

“You have no idea, kid.” Esther chortled. “Neither did Joel. You just gotta do what you can and hope it’s the right thing.”

Ellie mulled it over, recalling her mother’s note tucked away in her old journal. Anna never got to raise a kid, she only did what she thought was the right thing. Ellie hated the outcome, being bounced around like cargo for years. Her mind flashed from her mother to Marlene. Jesse. Tess. Sam. Joel. Then, less painfully, to Dina and JJ. In the end it was for the best.

It had to be.

“Hey, when you’re feeling better… Will you come with me back to the farmhouse? There are a few things I wanna grab.” Ellie pulled at the skin between her thumb and forefinger. “It shouldn’t take more than a day.”

“Of course, kid.” Esther said, before she stood and grinned. Clapping a hand on Ellie’s shoulder and pointing her chin towards the window of the observation post. “See what happens when you don’t watch the pot?”

Ellie crossed the distance in two long strides. At the edge of woods, just on the periphery of the flood lights, several figures on horseback made their way towards the gate. Esther hobbled next to her grinning broadly, “It boils.”

Holding up a pair of binoculars to her eyes, Esther confirmed the patrol. “Eight out. Eight in.” She handed them over to Ellie with a smile. “See for yourself.”

As Esther shouted out commands to the crew below, Ellie adjusted the binoculars and fiddled with the focus wheel until Dina’s face came into relief. She sat upon Japan, head tossed back, bright and merry as always. Ellie let out a breath she had been holding since Maria told her Dina was going to be out longer than expected. She was safe. Beneath her feet she could feel the slight tremble of the gate opening, the shouts of the stable crew ready to help them.

Ellie put down the binoculars and watched the surrounding area for movement. Gun stock tucked into the crook of her arm, finger rested on the trigger guard. Ellie kept her rifle ready on the off chance it suddenly went south, the way Joel taught her. Things have a way of going all fucked if you don’t pay attention. Hordes had been moving in smaller groups this season, but even five or six could become a problem if you let your guard down. Plus, there was the ever present threat of hunters trying to ambush the gate. Yeah, it didn’t happen as often as it used to, but when it did, well there was a reason Maria never wanted Jackson to be vulnerable.

“Relax kid. If someone where going to make a move they’d’ve made it by now.” Ellie ignored her, eyes remained focused on scanning beyond the wall. “Go on, check on your girl.”

“You sure?” Ellie glanced over at Esther who placed a broad hand on her back tossing her head towards the door. Her eyes crinkled with her gentle smile; as if this was something she dealt with enough to become practiced in. Maybe she had. With one last look at the empty area in front of them, Ellie shouldered her rifle.

“Shift’s almost over anyway. I can handle it.” Before she could protest, Esther pushed Ellie by her shoulders towards the door. “Go on get.”

“Yes ma’am!” Ellie saluted, breaking out into a run along the wooden parapet. Nearly knocking into her and Esther’s replacement, shouting an apology over her shoulder, Ellie took the stairs two at a time, damn near leaping down the last set, to reach the bottom faster. She jogged around the small gathering of crew members mingling in front of the gate, head on a swivel as she tried to spy Dina in the crowd.

A quick glance near the stables and Ellie picked up the pace towards a familiar black braid leading a buckskin horse. Watching as Dina tended to getting Japan set up in the stables, Ellie couldn’t stop the way her heart double timed in her chest. For someone who spent the last five days working, Dina was radiant.

Slowing her run into a brisk walk, Ellie entered the stables. Dina parted with Japan, turning to leave. The exhausted demeanor of her face morphed into a brilliant grin when she realized it was Ellie. A brilliance which challenged the sun and Ellie couldn’t help but drift closer.

“Hey.” Ellie mirrored Dina’s excitement, she felt breathless, and it wasn’t from running over.

“Hi.” Dina studied her, her lips quirking into a self-satisfied smile when she noticed just how out of breath Ellie was. “Just couldn't wait to see me, huh? I mean I understand why,” She gestured to herself. “I’m actually surprised you abandoned your post.”

“Esther said it was alright.” Ellie shrugged, wiping her nose with the back of her hand. She had spent months without seeing Dina just fine. Compared to that these last five days felt like decades to her. Something she’d never admit to Dina lest she never hear the fucking end of it. She cleared her throat into her hand. “JJ missed you a lot and I only wanted to see if you were okay.”

“I missed him too. As you can see, I’m okay.” Dina’s smile didn’t fade as she swept a hand over her body. Ellie followed her hand down, lingering on her thighs for a hair longer than she probably should and when she met Dina’s eyes again she had a wry look that screamed, _Eyes up_ _here_ _._ Ellie scratched at the back of her head where the hair tie pinched, finding a spider’s web in the beams of the stable above her.

“Me too, okay that is.” Suddenly feeling out of her depth, Ellie held her hands out and dropped them quickly, gesturing stiffly to herself. Trying to find words and failing she spoke honestly. “You were gone a while.”

“We fixed a lot of sabotaged electronics and set up a new radio relay.”

“It took that big brain of yours five days to figure out?” Ellie recovered just enough to get in a playful jab.

“Dick. I had it figured out in one. I had to pretend it took me five so I wouldn’t have everyone coming to me with all their problems. And I don’t blame them I am a genius.”

Ellie snickered. Dina’s confidence in herself was never misplaced. And this was no exception. Shuffling from foot to foot Ellie waved a hand to the tower behind her.

“Well, uh...I’ll let you go get some rest. I gotta go help Esther get down, before she tries to jump down. See you soon.” Turning away she felt a warm hand slip into hers, stilling her.

“Hey,” Dina took her hand back, and Ellie stayed waiting for her to speak. “I’m free the next few nights. Maria said I deserve a break.”

“She ain’t wrong there.” Ellie heartily agreed. “I’m on watch tomorrow night. Then I’m off rotation for two nights.”

“Come to my -Joel’s- place the night after? I’ll make us dinner.” Dina amended, and Ellie shook her head.

“It’s your place now.” Ellie said frankly, as she dug a small divot into the earth with the tip of her boot. “D’you want me to bring anything?”

“Just bring yourself. Your past attempts at cooking still haunt me.”

Ellie’s mouth dropped open, before she crossed her arms, acting like she was genuinely sore over the lies being perpetuated about her cooking skill. “Excuse you, dick. Well, now I’m gonna bring like, five dishes.”

“Please don’t.” Dina giggled, playfully swatting at her shoulder. “Get back to Esther before she jumps.”

Esther wore the biggest shit-eating grin when Ellie crested the top of the stairs. She almost wanted to push her herself.

____

Ellie arrived somehow feeling more and less trepidation over knocking on the door than she had a week ago. When she reached the top of the front steps the wind chimes swayed next to her and she lightly tapped them against each other. The light tones made her smile, she took an extra moment to absently fiddle with the hamsa on her wrist before adjusting the sleeve of her dark gray and navy blue raglan over the blue-black ink of the moth on her arm. It wasn’t her fanciest shirt, but it was her cleanest. She was trying to show she cared.

Hell, she even scrubbed the grime off of the white rubber around her sneakers for this. Well, got anxious four hours before she had to leave and needed something challenging to distract her mind, but Dina didn’t need to know that. She brushed a hand over the painting she had brought as a gift and hoped it was enough. Her hand felt sweaty around the wood frame of the canvas, she relaxed her grip.

“Fuck.” Ellie muttered, emphasizing the end of the swear. “You can do this, Ellie.”

Shaking out her hand a few times she knocked on the door. A moment passed and Dina opened the door, crossing her arms, and leaning on the frame with a warm smile. The fading light of the day bathed her in gold.

“Hey.” She wore a light purple sleeveless blouse, the front tucked into her jeans. Her hair tied up around itself in a loose pile on her head. Ellie couldn’t help focus her attention to the slope of Dina’s neck, the way her muscles danced under her skin when she moved. She pinched her thigh to stop the thoughts she was having hoping her face hadn’t belied her interest.

“Hi, I uh. Made it up the stairs alright.” Ellie motioned to the stairs behind her, as if Dina somehow was going to forget where they were.

“You get up them alright. It’s the getting down them you seem to struggle with.” Dina grinned at her, and Ellie found herself staring at the shift of muscle as Dina’s arms uncrossed a little.

“I know you said not to bring anything, but Joel always said it’s good to bring a house warming gift, and you already got a bunch of firewood back there so,” Ellie held out the canvas. Every inch of it covered in a chaotic spattering of colorful child-sized hand prints. “I brought this painting JJ and I did, well mostly JJ. I supervised in case he got to be too much of handful.” Dina took it from her with an affectionate snort as she pointed to the noticeably not human green paw print in the top corner.

“You trying to cut out Jonesy’s artistic contribution? Make it seem like you did the most work.”

“Oh brother.” Ellie lifted her hands to the sky, “Here we go with the accusations.”

“Well, lucky you I still love it.” Dina drew her in and gave her a one armed hug. “C’mon in.”

The calm Ellie felt vanished as she followed Dina’s retreating back, stepping fully into the house for the first time in two years. Whatever meat Dina was cooking permeated the air instead of the earthy smell of the various types of tonewood Joel kept around for his guitar projects Ellie had grown to associate with the house. The house felt foreign and the sensation left Ellie unmoored.

Keeping her head down she closed the door behind her, resting her forehead on it to give herself enough time to clasp her hands tightly, inhale deeply, and release the tension in her body.

Releasing a steady breath, Ellie faced the main hall, she immediately realized what and fucking idiot she’d been. Of course Dina hadn’t been living with Jesse’s parents. Because here laid out on the every possible surface of the hollowed out carcass this house had become after Joel died, was visible, tangible proof of Dina’s wide breadth of love. The hamsa she had brought to the farm hung on the wall next to the door.

Joel’s moose painting that hung over the mantle had been hung on the wall next to the dining room, so it was the first thing you saw when you entered. At the end of the hall she could see one of Joel's old guitars from his workshop hung on the wall next to the laundry room. Dina stopped halfway in the hallway, carefully watching her.

“That was his favorite.” Ellie motioned to the painting and swallowed past the lump in her throat. Dina gave her a tight-lipped smile, humming an affirmative as she turned to relax against the frame of the dining room door letting Ellie look around.

On the shelf above the console table where Joel once kept all his knickknacks in, Dina had displayed the casting of JJ’s hand and foot. Next to it, to Ellie’s surprise sat the photo of her, Dina and Jesse, grinning like idiots at the camera. She’d half expected to be cut out of the photo. But then Dina was never one to let go.

On the other side of the casting sat the photo Ellie took of Dina and Robin holding JJ shortly after he had been born. Remembering how she and Cedric had fussed over the camera and who would take the photo. Despite all her attempts to get him into the photo they both opted out, him because he wanted to take the photo and Ellie because she felt like she didn’t deserve to be there.

Ellie shuffled and peered into the living room, her eyes zeroing in on what Dina had replaced Joel’s moose painting with.

Above the mantle, in an ornate gold painted frame hung the basic portrait Ellie had done of Dina holding JJ for the first time.

In another life time, the frame probably surrounded some art worth a lot of money. Like one of those paintings she’d seen at the museum with Joel, just before they lost Tess. Now her plain black and white depiction, made simply because she wanted to celebrate Dina and couldn’t think of anything else, after she gave birth to the best thing to ever happen to Ellie. She couldn’t even find colored paints, the only kind around the farm at the time was half a tube of black oil paint. It wasn’t even her best painting, she kept tearing up every time she watched Dina interact with this small new human that was, _theirs_. Here in the uncertain world the lived in, Dina had taken her gift and made it seem priceless.

Ellie blinked as her vision blurred, supporting herself against the door frame she tried to speak but her voice was choked with tears. She heard movement and held up a hand, Dina’s quiet footfalls stopping short.

“Just, gimme a second.” Ellie rasped out. “Please.” She needed to keep it together. She could hate her self for leaving later, right now she needed to pull herself together for Dina. “I didn’t think you kept it.”

“After you left I used to hate that you were the one that drew it.” Dina tone was sharp in the quiet. Ellie swallowed, nodding. She deserved to hear that. “But I learned how to separate the art from the artist.”

“And now?” Ellie ventured, staring ahead, afraid of what she might find in Dina’s eyes.

“Now I think it’s time for dinner.” Her tone was gentler than it had been, the dismissal still stung.

In truth she hadn’t gone through everything of hers Dina left behind at the farm. Not brave enough to see what Dina wanted to forget. She hadn’t been strong enough then. Wiping her face in the crook of her elbow she anchored herself. She would be strong now. “Sorry, I’m good. Let’s go get dinner.”

Taking one last look around the living room, she noticed the TV had been replaced with a rocking horse Joel had made. A few of Jesse’s old shirts, quilted into a blanket, spread out on the floor to make a play area for JJ. The room had a piece of Dina, her thoughtfulness, her kindness that had been glaringly absent at Jesse’s folks. Ellie attributed it to it not being Dina’s house, she should have known; where ever Dina went she made the place feel like a home.

In the dining room, the table hadn’t been set and Ellie, not wanting to sit and spiral, followed Dina into the kitchen. Pulling down two plates and two glasses from the cabinet, she place them on the island for Dina while she tended to the food. Everything felt normal until Ellie pulled open the drawer next to the sink where Joel kept the cutlery. Instead of various forks and knives she opened a drawer full of several hand towels. It wasn’t right. Dina was the one who kept towels near by at the farm. Yet here they were in Joel’s cutlery drawer. Shutting the draw with unsteady hands, she started, pivoting around when Dina spoke gently behind her.

“They're in the one by the fridge. JJ can’t open it, the -.” Dina began, not looking up from the island where she divided up the venison cutlets between two plates.

“The drawer sticks.” Ellie finished. Joel had told her dozens of times when she came over for dinner. He kept his knives he preferred to dress and clean game with in that drawer. Ellie stepped over to the fridge yanking open the drawer, the silverware jangling harshly against the wood.

On the fridge, a piece of paper fluttered with the rush of air her motion had stirred up. The bottom of the page floating outwards and fell back down the magnet shaped like Texas at the top keeping it from falling to the floor. Ellie pushed the magnet over, pulling the illustration down. At the top right corner there was a little indent where something dirty had been pressed against it. Dirt smudged into the crinkles, a boot print took up the bottom left corner, just over the roots of the tree she’d drawn. Jesse’s softened face was untouched, grinning down at his son playing with his toys. Ellie traced over her line work lightly with her thumb, vaguely aware of the soft clatter of steel on ceramic.

“Robin left it with me, said she found it with Jesse.” Dina’s breath crossed the back of her neck, one hand coming to rest in between her shoulder blades, the other extracted the paper from her quavering hands. Ellie observed her discreetly as she flipped it over appraising both sides.

“Uh, yeah. We visited Jesse the other day. I told him a story. JJ… he’s been getting into drawing and he wanted to do something nice, so he drew that.” She tapped her hands together, relieved when Dina’s cheeks dimpled slightly.

“I knew he’d be a better artist that you.” She nudged her hip against Ellie’s. “Mother’s intuition.”

“Normally I’d argue,” Ellie licked her lips, her heart swelled at how creatively freeing JJ’s finger painting method seemed every time they paint together. Maybe it appeared that way because he was her kid, though she’d like to think there was something genuinely skillful behind his creations. “But, there is no doubt he’ll be better than me.”

Ellie took the paper back from Dina, flipping the picture over so JJ’s line work was on display, before hanging it back up on the fridge. Her hands lingered for a moment until they were steady and she went about getting the table set.

They sat down for dinner, chatting idly about JJ, Dina’s work out on the dam, and how Ellie was adjusting to the new shifts on watch. Ellie complemented the food no less than ten times, she would have complimented the meal ten more if Dina hadn’t threatened to withhold seconds if she kept praising her. She didn’t always end up cooking for herself but when she did it was nothing compared to what Dina could whip up.

Despite the attempts to keep the conversation light, they both felt the encroaching weight of what Ellie was actually here for. When dinner finished they washed and dried the dishes together in silence, working in tandem until all the plates, pots and utensils were put away.

“I’ll be right out.” Dina gave her a nod out of the kitchen and braced herself against the island.

Biting her lip, Ellie sat down on the tan leather couch. Leaning on her thighs, she rubbed her hands together trying to get the tremors in her limbs to subside. Dina paced in front of her before exhaling loudly, she offered a hand out. Surprised by the gesture, Ellie took it and Dina pulled her to her feet without a word. Leading her to the back of the house by the hand. Ellie squeezed her eyes shut, for a second, preparing herself for the silence of the porch once full of late night guitar lessons, stargazing and all the other good things Ellie took for granted. Dina unlocked the door and stepped out on to the newly renovated deck.

“You sure you wanna do this out here? I’m the one who built it, might collapse.” Ellie tried for levity, but the melancholy in her voice dragged the joke down.

“Can we sit out here just for a few minutes? I need some fresh air.” Dina sat down in one of the white chairs.

Frozen momentarily, Ellie breathed in steady counts until she could move again. Grateful Dina wanted to keep the lights off for whatever reason. This was a new porch, the pain held in the old wood had been replaced, just like the pain between her and Joel. This is the spot where she decided to heal. With one last steady exhale she sat down in the open chair.

As soon as she leaned into the bucket of the chair, she hopped up when she felt a lump on her seat. JJ had left Olly out again, his patchwork blue limbs now covered with a little white button up made from a patch of soft and well worn fabric. She pocketed him and faced a silent Dina.

They sat there, for a while Dina said nothing, watching the stars above. Ellie couldn’t bring herself to to pull her gaze away from Dina silhouetted by the lights of Jackson against deep dark blue of the night sky, the stars as if some celestial being flicked white paint onto the dark canvas behind her. Ellie waited until her vision adjusted to the dark and then she waited some more.

Face still obscured by shadow, Ellie heard the soft inhale of breath before Dina spoke.

“Do you still want to be my friend?”

“Do you want to be mine?”

“Of course I do, Ellie.”

“I still want to be your friend- more than anything.” Ellie rolled the tips of her fingers across her thumb as she considered the rest of her answer. She cleared her throat, leaning back in her chair to watch the night sky. Honesty came easier when she could pretend she was alone. “I miss it. Miss sitting around listening to albums with you. Miss getting high and laughing over nothing. Shit, I even miss it when you got mad at someone, you’d come harass me while I played video games until you felt better.”

“I wouldn’t call it harassing,” There was a hint of a smile in her voice. “More like aggressive support.”

“I’d take aggressive support. Even if it means you’re happier with someone else.” Ellie focused her attention back to Dina. Bouncing her knee to dispel her nerves. “I’ll take whatever you want to give me.”

Dina considered her briefly before turning her face skyward. “Remember the first overnight group patrol we had. The one where you couldn’t sleep?”

Her knee stilled. It was hard to forget. The three of them had been posted up outside of Colten Bay with two of the senior patrolmen. Instead of sleeping Dina and Jesse had been arguing in hushed tones and Ellie couldn’t listen any longer so she crept outside to give them space.

Sleeping outside was something she had gotten more comfort out of during her time traveling with Joel. Maybe it was because houses always felt like a trap she hadn’t set off yet. Maybe it was because sleeping outside meant her and Joel got to bond. Either way she could fall asleep faster outside than she ever could in a house.

“Yeah. You and Jesse were being awkward as fuck so I slept outside and ‘risked my life and put the safety of others in danger’.” she air quoted, speaking in her closest approximation of Jesse’s voice.

“I went out to for some air and nearly stepped on you.” Dina’s profile came into relief as the glow of the waxing moon broke over the trees. “You were so awkward about consoling me. So you stayed up telling me about the stars until I calmed down. I wanted to kiss you so badly then.”

“Pssh. That would have gone over so well.” The words came out more acerbic than she intended. With a heavy sigh Ellie rested her left hand on the table top. She’d never know if Jesse would have been aggressive about it back when they were seventeen, either way a fight between patrolmen was definitely more of a risk than sleeping outside. Not to mention if Cat had found out. The situation would have been fucked all around.

“I always want to kiss you under the stars.” Dina regarded Ellie. Her eyes, cooled by the illumination of the moon, lacked their usual warmth, but they were not unkind. A familiar emotion Ellie couldn’t place passed between them, the intensity of it made her tremble.“That’s when I feel closest to you.”

Ellie sucked on her teeth trying to keep herself together, thoughts of all the nights they had spent together under the stars, she tore her gaze away to the night sky. Jackson’s lights made a hazy edge as she stared over to the top of the western wall. The town lights hardly bright enough to obscure the stars there. The view from inside the walls, was nothing compared to the dark sky on the road, a vast expanse of billions of stars on the way to and from Seattle, a pathway back home. Even if she strayed from the camp to hunt, once she found her guiding star she could always find her way back to Dina.

“That first overnight group patrol?” The question in Dina’s voice made Ellie bring her eyes back down to Earth, back to whatever this moment was leading to.

“What about it?” Dina slid her chair back, the plastic scraping against the fresh wood of the porch as she stood. “That was the night.”

“What night?” Ellie wracked her brain trying to remember if she had forgotten something important about the patrol in question.

“The night I realized the person I wanted next to me in all my dreams for the future,” Dina reached out and gave Ellie’s left hand a squeeze over the table before letting go. “Was you.”

“But, Jesse?” Ellie still didn’t understand, why it was her. Dina had spent many years dating Jesse off and on, they worked well together when they were on and managed fine when they were off. Ellie knew he would have made a better partner out of the two of them. After all he was the least damaged.

“Was someone I love, loved, deeply. Be he was never the person I wanted to share my farmhouse with.” Dina stood, speaking low as she passed Ellie heading back into the house. “I want you to remember that.”

Ellie rose to follow, letting her feet carry her through the door, towards the living room before she realized Dina had stopped instead by the stairs, hand on the railing. When Ellie caught her eye, she ascended. Hesitantly, Ellie followed. On the walls were more signs of Dina’s love as she climbed the stairs. Photos of her and Jesse when they were together, an old painting of Jackson surrounded by the Wyoming wilderness Ellie did from memory she’d done for Joel, even a photo of Dina and Maria, eyes closed, heads tossed back, openly beaming joy holding JJ covered in flour between them that Ellie had never seen. Another memory made in her absence.

Rounding the stairs she watched Dina go into Joel’s old workshop, flicking on the lights. Ellie braced herself, clutching her hand over the moth on her arm. Running a finger over the crags of scar tissue hidden underneath. With a quickened forced exhale of air, she passed though the door way, her jaw dropping slightly as she took everything in.

A toddler sized bed with small bars around it, nestled in the corner where she and Joel used to have lessons next to the door. The sheets had little dinosaurs over them and JJ’s giraffe was tucked into them, Ellie pulled Olly out of her pocket and gently tucked him in with his friend.

Hung at the head of the bed was one Joel’s unfinished guitars repainted to resemble a desert scene. Oranges and purples that always seemed to remind her of Dina settled behind a mesa in the background and several cacti in the foreground. A loopy cursive ‘Dina’ painted onto the bottom edge of the scene made Ellie want to trace it with her finger. For someone who complained to Ellie she was no good at painting, Dina did a fine job.

Across from his bed, there were dozens of toys. Some she had made, others he had been given. In the middle of the sea of toys sat a small plastic slide. The red and yellow colors faded from years of the elements. The old book shelf she had painted sky blue had been filled with even more books, including a few, Ellie noticed as she thumbed through them, about space. The walls had been covered in all sorts of posters. There were a few about dinosaurs, a map of the states, a few posters she recalled seeing in the library years ago. Which explained the influx of reading material in the corner.

Behind her there was light shuffling as Dina sat down in front of JJ’s bed, patting the space to the left of her. Ellie made it half way over, halting when her eyes went to the ceiling. Attached above the bed were several flat cut outs of the planets and the sun, a hand sewn space ship and moon dangled a few inches down on wire. Sinking down next to Dina, the wooden bars pressed into her back as she tilted her head to take in the full effect her son got when he lie in bed.

“Found the planets in a box Joel tucked away in the basement.” Dina mentioned casually.

Of course Joel held out on the good stuff. She studied the ceiling a little longer, trying not to let her thoughts spiral when she admitted to herself it was more likely he never held out on her, she just never gave him a chance. She was getting a chance, time was too short for her to not take it.

“Wow. You did all this?” Ellie breathed, awe lightened the tightness in her chest, clearing the thoughts away with a shake of her head, she brought her left knee up to rest her forearm on it. “Of course you did. You’re amazing, Dina.”

“Fuck you.” Dina’s accompanying laugh was bitter. The stark contrast to their interaction moments before caused Ellie to flinch. “You left us behind.”

Ellie made to speak, clenching her mouth shut before she could say something stupid. There was nothing to defend. She came here to listen and hope that after everything, Dina would still want to be her friend.

“After you left JJ wouldn’t stop crying, I tried everything,” Dina fixed her gaze across the room. Her voice tight. “And I just wanted a moment to mourn you. I wrapped him up in an old shirt of yours and he stopped crying for the first time in days. I rode Japan back to Jackson with him in my arms and a rifle on my back. So scared his crying would attract something because for the first time in my life, I was unsure I’d be able to make it on my own.”

Dina held herself, drawing her knees up to her chest. “The first two months, he looked for you, getting excited when he thought you’d come home.” She looked openly to Ellie, eyes red, lips pursed in a thin line. “Do you know what it’s like to have your child look at you like you’re the wrong person?” Ellie swore her heart stopped for a second. “You couldn’t because you left.”

Ellie worked her jaw in tight circles, her stomach bottoming out. Actions had consequences, she had been so far gone in her desire to seek revenge she hadn’t bothered to consider how fucked what she did really was. That wasn’t true. No. Deep down she knew it was fucked up. Dina hadn’t lorded over her and she had been so focused on giving Dina space, she never pushed her about it.

Now she would sit here and let Dina tell her the damage she caused. After all the pain she caused this woman she deserved to know what she’d done.

“Ellie,” Dina rubbed at her forehead, brows knitting and unknitting with each pass of her fingers. “When I got back, Robin and Cedric were so wonderful with JJ. They kept him safe and happy but, I couldn’t pull myself together. I’ve faced loss before. And you.” Dina’s voice caught. Her face twisted in pain as she stared hard at Ellie, refusing to break eye contact. “You are the only fucking person that has gotten so under my skin it shook me to the point I couldn’t.” She gasped, tightening her grip on her knees curling herself up into a tight ball.

“Not Jesse, not my own mother. You. Ellie. You.” Her words were devoid of the gentleness she spoke with on the porch. Ellie chewed on her lip, trying to keep the prickling feeling in her eyes from turning into tears. Dina put her fingers to her lips. “Jesse’s folks didn’t get what I was going through, but they tried. The first month I relied on Maria more than I’ve relied on someone other than myself before. It made me crazy that I couldn’t get over you on my own.”

Ellie watched on as Dina re-lived some dark moment in the empty space in front of her. Somewhere over her sons toys. Ellie’s skin felt two sizes too small on her and she squeezed the nubs of her hand tightly to keep herself from clawing at her arm.

“I got mad, Ellie. I took it out on myself. I drank, more than I had in a while. I demanded Maria put me on patrol. She didn’t want me to. I had only been back a few weeks, but I made her.” Dina’s eyes darkened and her mouth pinched as she swallowed heavily. Ellie exhaled sharply through her nose, her chest jumped as she tried not to think of where this story was going. “I made her do it against her better judgment and JJ… almost lost three parents.”

Now Maria’s panic and assertion about Ellie going on patrols made sense. Ellie pushed out a lungful of air, trying to settle the pitching of her stomach. Maria didn’t scare easy, trusted her people to do what was best for the town, and tried to facilitate growth instead of impede it. There would have been a huge fucking reason why she’d go against all that to tell Ellie no. She was not expecting Dina almost dying to be that reason.

A sob escaped the back of her throat and she muffled the next one in the fabric of her shirt, gagging on her anguish. Trying to quiet the part of her brain screaming that this was goodbye. That the damage she’d done was too much to repair. Dina grimaced weakly at her. The bitter taste of self-contempt never leaving the back of her throat as she watched Dina level her gaze to the planets above the bed, no longer able to meet Ellie’s eyes.

“We were supposed to go on an easy run. Earlier that day I saw Tommy leave through the gates. I wanted him dead. I wanted to kill him for taking you away from me.”

“I-”

“Ellie.” Her name came out harsh and as jagged as broken glass. Dina took a deep breath. “Let me finish. I know you made the choice. But, I was mad at him for showing up with that stupid map and putting the onus of finishing that fucking woman off on you. All because he couldn’t do it anymore. For making you think you had to make a choice. For making you think you didn’t deserve to have a happy family if she was still alive.” Dina uncurled, taking short even breaths, and slammed her hands down next to her on the floor. The last time an outburst got this physical, Dina had smashed the side screen door into the wall running after Tommy. Ellie hated that Dina turned that aggression inward upon herself. It was her fault for leaving, her fault for this pain.

A silence built between them, and Ellie felt the back of her throat constrict as her world spun off axis, she gripped the flesh of her arm so tightly to combat it, her nails digging in. Letting go when the sharp pain of broken flesh registered with her brain.

“So before my shift I went back to Maria’s and drank. I left JJ with Robin earlier that day. I didn’t…” Dina gasped shaking her head. Ellie reached over tentatively with her pinky to touch at the side of her hand. Dina didn’t spare her glance as she hooked their pinkies together, and continued.

“I showed up and everything was going fine, except it wasn’t. I took lead,’ Her grip on Ellie’s finger tightened. Helplesseness bogged down her words, and Ellie wanted to absorb all the pain she felt into her chest to spare her from anymore hurt. “I was so angry, so focused on hating you and Tommy and everything, that I was careless. We were ambushed. I got a person killed and two others wounded.”

“I made sure those hunters never took another breath. You’d have been proud.” Dina said, humorlessly. “Only one got close enough to try and slice my throat - he didn’t get a chance. Jacqueline shot him. Saving me was the last thing she ever did.”

“Dina. That’s not your fault. Even-”

“Not my fault Ellie, if I had been sober.” Dina’s voice trailed off into uneven, wet gasps and Ellie pulled her tightly against her shoulder. Rubbing her right hand up and down Dina’s arm. She took large, exaggerated breaths until Dina’s breathing attuned to hers.

“You can’t blame yourself.” Dina pushed away from her and pulled herself up to stand. “That shit happens.”

“But it didn’t have to, Ellie.” She offered a hand and hauled Ellie to stand with her. Folding herself up in Ellie’s arms. “JJ and I stayed with Maria while I healed. Cedric brought me things he found for me to fix up. Maria gave me a bunch of books on electronics that Eugene used to have. Robin cooked and cleaned and I realized that I all I ever wanted was a place that was mine, but taking us out of Jackson when we were still so fucked up was not what I should have done. We needed a community.”

Ellie tipped Dina’s face towards her to get her to look at her. “I made the choice to go with you. I’m just as-.”

“And how blindly I wanted it to work.” Dina pushed out of her embrace, cutting her off. “Ellie, you weren’t okay. I wasn’t okay. You were in all this pain and I couldn’t get you to talk. When you took JJ in your arms? Or danced with me and kissed me so sweetly? It was _so_ _easy_ to pretend you were okay.” The piercing desperation that laced her voice seemed to reach into Ellie’s chest and strike her heart. “When Tommy showed up, that Ellie disappeared in front of my eyes like she never even existed. I have to live with the fact that I couldn’t save you. I had to watch you choose her over JJ and I. For what? For who? Cause it certainly wasn’t for you.”

“Dina.” Ellie paused waiting for her signal if it was okay to speak. When she made no move to speak, Ellie closed her eyes. “I always thought I needed you more than you needed me. You came from a strong line of survivors, right. I’m not like that, I don’t know what to do when the fight’s over. I never deserved what you offered me. No matter how much I wanted it.”

“Ellie, no.” Dina sighed, folding an arm over her chest and holding a hand to her head. It’s not about if you deserve it or not. I told you then, I put up with things for you and JJ. Surviving was – is – never fucking easy. But it’s what I have to do. The hardest thing in my life was watching you walk away thinking I’d never see you alive again. If I didn’t have JJ to care for. I’d have gone any where with you. Don’t you get that?” As if someone had let air out of her lungs, Dina deflated. Her eyes shimmered as she pushed lamely against Ellie’s chest with a choking whisper, “You went where I couldn’t go.”

“The things I’ve done. How could you want me?” Ellie could feel her heart rend in two, torn between the horrors she’d committed in Seattle and what she’d done to the woman in front of her. “You should hate me.”

“Ellie, that is so far from the truth. The things you did scared me but they never stopped me from wanting to be with you.” Dina helplessly gestured between herself, Ellie, and JJ’s room. “Sometimes I think I wanted this life with you the moment I saw you, I just never understood what it was until everything was fucked. I _should_ hate you for leaving, but I _can’t_. I’m not fucking perfect, I’ve done terrible things too. I’ve had more time to come to terms with what I’ve done.”

“Why didn’t you tell me you were living here? Why go through all that trouble?”

“I didn’t tell you at first because I needed a space that I didn’t have to worry about you showing up at. You were dead and I mourned you Ellie. I never thought I’d see you again and you were there promising to try and I… I wanted it to be true but you left me. You left JJ. She’s still alive and I’ve been so scared you’ll leave us again.” Dina tugged Ellie to her, wrapping her arms around her shoulders. Ellie held her hands out to the side of Dina, feeling unworthy of the touch. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”

“No, no. You were taking care of yourself. You had every right not to tell me.” Ellie let herself give in, her arms encircled Dina’s waist carefully returning the hug. “I’m not going away unless you want me to.” Dina rested her forehead against her breastbone, clutching at the fabric of her shirt.

“It’s not that I didn’t trust you. I was going to tell you eventually. I kept expecting you to leave, but you kept staying. I convinced myself I could have these little moments with you again. If I dared let myself have anything more, if I fully let you in again, it would come crashing down. I didn’t want to get hurt and JJ…” Dina gasped, pulling Ellie closer, her chin digging into the muscle of her shoulder. “Ellie, you can’t ever do that to him again.”

“Never.” Ellie almost scared herself with how resolute she sounded. "Leaving was a mistake. There were other ways I could have kept him safe." She added as an an after thought, “'Sides, He’d kick my ass if I even thought about it.”

“Good.” Dina lightly hummed her affirmation right by her ear. “I’m teaching him all I know.”

Dina’s jaw moved against her shoulder and she could feel her smiling. It couldn’t be that easy, there was always a catch. Digging her teeth into the flesh of her lips, she braved the question that soured her mind. “What’s changed?”

“You.” Dina pulled back, hesitant. Smoothing Ellie’s shirtsleeves delicately as she watched her face. “Me.”

“What about you changed?” Ellie braved her eyes darting around trying to take in every detail of Dina’s face as possible, the freckles, the scars, the way her lips parted before she answered.

Dina’s eyes bore into hers with such frightening intensity, it made her squirm underneath the scrutiny. “I’m tired of being scared. And I’ve decided. That I know what it’s like to lose you completely once and the pain hurt, so fucking much.”

“And me?” Ellie kept stock still, barely breathing as Dina’s hand came to rest on her jaw, stroking at the scar that cut across the smattering of freckles on her cheek. Her touch sharp to Ellie’s senses she swore the scar reopened with her touch.

“You’re worth the pain.” Dina was in her space again, the sweet smell of honey dripped down the back of her throat with each inhale.

“Are you sure?” Self deprecation and uncertainty laced the question. After all she made Dina endure, she couldn’t help but be bitter with herself. “I mean you fell in love with me so easy before.” Ellie frowned with a huff. “I’m not the type of person you should fall in love with.”

“Ellie please. You were the one who hopelessly fell for me.” Dina teased, with a self satisfied turn of her head. They both knew it wasn’t entirely true. Both of them had pined enough for each other to have grown their own damn forest by the time they got together. “And I don’t blame you I’m pretty great. Besides, I didn’t fall in love with you.”

“I wasn’t that hopeless.” Ellie half heartedly defended, tightening her grip on Dina’s hips as Dina raised her eyebrows in mock surprise. Tension bleeding out of Ellie’s body in a breath of amusement. “Okay I was.” She licked her lips and tracked her head up to the stars on the ceiling, “You really didn’t fall in love with me?”

Dina’s hand tilted her head down to meet her eyes, a mischievous quirk skewed her lips. “Nope. Sure I fell for your dumb puns and your fake space facts and your stupid, handsome face.”

“Hey!” Ellie gaped. “You can talk shit about me and my jokes but I’ll have you know all those “fake space facts” are scientifically backed.” Dina wrinkled her nose, her demeanor abruptly serious.

“I never _fell_ in love with you.” Carefully, Dina tucked the loose hair that fell out of Ellie’s hair tie back behind her ear, making her lick her lips reflexively. “I _chose_ to love you.” She leaned forward warm eyes flickered down and back up before they closed. The rest of her answer ghosted over Ellie’s mouth.

“I’m _choosing_ to love you.” The kiss was long and slow and it threw her brain off it’s axis. Ellie moved her hands to Dina’s wrists for stability.

Ellie read in plenty of stupid romance books that kissing someone you missed was like coming home. Not with Dina their kiss was like suture between them, stitched back and forth through both sides of a wound. Stitching them back together. Each time their lips came together was like a gentle tug pulling the wound closed. There would be scar tissue to serve as a reminder of the wound. A reminder that they had healed.

When they broke apart Ellie exhaled steadily through her nose. At some point her lips stilled against Dina’s, earning a chuckle, a dangerous throaty thing, in her ear. Causing her body to respond with an involuntary shudder. “Fuck.”

“Oh, did I break you?” She kissed at Ellie’s jaw before bringing their foreheads together. Her hands settled at the back of her neck. Ellie flexed her fingers, unsure where her hands should go.

“Yeah,” Ellie panted out, her heartbeat erratic along the side of her neck. “Yeah, I think you did.” Dina pulled her head away, unclasping her hands behind Ellie’s neck, dragging them to her biceps before giving them a playful squeeze before pulling away completely.

“Lemme go get my tools to re-calibrate you.”

The motion of her turning to leave spurred Ellie into action and she tugged gently at the waistband of her jeans until Dina fell back into her arms, wrapping herself around Ellie with a sigh of relief.

Ellie surged forward before she registered even moving. Her right hand cupped Dina’s face, her left rested on her hip. The pad of her thumb hot where it touched the exposed skin along the top of Dina’s jeans. Dina gasped, and simpered against Ellie’s mouth, nipping at her bottom lip. Spurred on by the action, Ellie kissed hotly up Dina’s neck towards her ear. Halting when she felt Dina push her away.

“C’mon, not in here.” She threaded their hands together and led Ellie out of JJ’s room towards the master bedroom, flicking the light switch. Light spilled out into the hallway from his room, Dina’s room now.

Ellie slowed, trying to get herself together, it had been two years since she took Joel’s pistol from this room. Dina paused, twisting around to put a hand on Ellie’s shoulder. “We can go downstairs instead if you want.”

“I don’t wanna go down stairs. The couch sucks.” Ellie said, petulantly grimacing at the thought of the leather sticking to her skin.

Dina laughed brightly, kissing the corner of the lips in assent. Holding Ellie’s face in her hands so she couldn’t look anywhere but into the deep black that eclipsed the brown of her eyes, Dina led her safely backwards though the door. Eyes never breaking away from Ellie’s. When Ellie felt the mattress against the back of her legs, she let herself fall into a sitting position. Dina took a step closer, easing into the bracket of Ellie’s knees.

Dina, out of a need to quell her own desire or distract Ellie from going down a darker path, pulled her shirt off, revealing her grayed undershirt. Placing Ellie’s hands by her hips, she encouraged her to touch, running them over her stomach. Feeling bold Ellie slipped her thumbs under the top, pushing it up and kissing at the scar on her hip, over the faint lines of her stretch marks. Hands threaded through her hair, and Dina swore softly above her.

Making her way up Dina’s torso she stopped when her right thumb passed over a ridge of skin just over the outside of Dina’s ribs. Lifting the shirt enough to reveal a long jagged score of flesh, a row of pale dots lining either side where the sutures had been. Ellie sucked air in through her teeth at the sight. Leaning in to kiss it, the hand in Ellie’s hair became a loose fist as Dina carefully tugged her away.

“Not that one.” A dark look passed over her face before she tilted Ellie’s chin and kissed her. “Not yet.”

Overwhelmed by the sight of her, Ellie was surprised when out of all the emotions that surged in her body, the one that overtook her was wonder. Slowly she reached out and placed a kiss on Dina’s scarred shoulder before moving to kiss just over her heart. Ellie let her lips linger long enough to find solace in the wild beat, a drummer’s tattoo, that echoed in her own chest.

When she stilled, Dina took the lead, a mirror of their first time together. Pressing a hand gently on her sternum until she scooted her back, fully pressed into the soft resistance of the mattress. Ellie wanted to hide behind her arm, afraid that if she let herself have this it would mean all the terrible things about her were true, but Dina’s pull made her orbit closer. Allowing her to see the surface of the moon she spent so long observing from her lonely module in space.

Dina grasped the hem of Ellie’s raglan, slowly pulling it over her head, kissing each new inch of exposed flesh. Gasping when she reached the a wicked seam along her side where Ellie had hastily sewn her blood soaked side shut. She was still impressed with how it turned out considering she could barely tell what she was doing. Dina tucked her lips into her mouth

Ellie made to say something about how Dina didn’t have to do this. Her words cut short by the caress of Dina’s lips as she kissed it. The deep appreciation she felt for her when they had been ambushed by hunters back in Twin Falls returned with enough force to choke her, and she pulled Dina up to kiss her sweet and slow.

Where Ellie had shed Dina’s clothes quickly their first time, hungry and wanting, after years of wishing she’d be allowed to partake. Dina savored her. Where Ellie had nipped and soothed along scars she didn’t know the history behind. Dina reverently kissed each scar as if she was an astrographer, mapping out the constellations the world rendered into her flesh.

Tender kisses brushed across the puckered flesh on her shoulder Dina had tended to years before. Over the thin pale line on her bicep, down her arm. Lingering a few seconds longer on the pocked moth. Grabbing her left hand she drew it up between them and kissed her new bite mark and the tops of her stubs. The tenderness made her heart clench and she groaned from the weight of Dina’s love.

Breaking away to pull their jeans down, Dina returned to kiss the sharp channel of raised flesh on her thigh. She touched each scar as if it would mend Ellie. When she was done charting her body, Dina leaned back up to kiss the dip in her lip where healed improperly after it split.

With each press of Dina’s lips against her skin, Ellie felt heat build within her as though her body was made of sand, packed into a tile, and secured into a shuttle now breaking through the earths atmosphere; her whole being burning up upon reentry.

The sensation was entirely new to her. This wasn’t the hollow burn she sought to extinguish in empty sheds, and houses on their way to Seattle and it wasn’t the hot guilt that drove her to give Dina whatever was left of her as repentance from when they moved to the farm.

It was a wholly new fire borne from that first kiss in the church, the first time Dina panted her name over and over in her ear as they climaxed together, caressing each other’s body freely, all giddy with wonder and awe at this brave new, unnamed thing between them as a storm raged on outside.

She’d never felt this _completely_ before.

Dina hovered over her, a gleaming pathway crossing the open night sky along the darkest parts of her soul and Ellie undeserving to witness that beauty above her. As though even hearing this goddess above her utter her name was a mercy that would see Ellie – who rendered herself too blind, too damned for this world – and still absolve her of all the sins she committed. Ellie found herself gazing into the universe of love that had opened up just for her and found herself utterly speechless, humbled by it’s vastness.

Her vision swam, clearing long enough to notice the several dozens of glow-in-the-dark stars stuck onto the ceiling over Dina’s shoulder. She didn’t deserve this love, she hadn’t earned it. She should be proving to Dina she was worth her efforts. Giving her love, not taking more from her.

Suddenly Dina pulled herself away. Confused, Ellie sought after her warmth, her breath ragged as she leaned up on her forearms, following after Dina. Sitting up fully she slipped a hand up her back to brace Dina in her lap. Kissing along the top of her stomach up past her chest to gingerly bite the mole on her neck. Dina hissed, whispering her name, and lightly pressing against her to get her to stop.

“Why’d you stop?” Ellie came back down earth, her whisper cradled in the crook of Dina’s neck. Blinking several times it took her a few moments to recognize her body was trembling. That violent rush that came over her more frequently than she liked these days. She squeezed her eyes shut, willing herself to settle down.

“Cause, you’re crying.” She kissed Ellie brow gently and Ellie felt it, the tension her body converted into action, distracting her from the relief that she hadn’t fucked up the one good thing in her life entirely.

Ellie touched a finger to her cheeks and it came away wet. “Shit.”

Dina shifted back onto her haunches, the bed dipping beneath their legs, straddling Ellie carefully. Hands cupped the sides of Ellie’s face, forcing her to look into her eyes.

“Are you okay, we can stop.”

“I’m fine.” Ellie felt her chest tighten and her vision blurred once more. She wanted what she couldn’t deserve. All she did was take take take, unable to move when it was her turn to give for once. And Dina, patient as always, waited until she could move. “You’re beautiful.”

“Is that why you’re crying?” Dina kissed the top of her head, stroking her neck in measured passes.

“Yeah, you’re beautiful inside and out. Dina.” Ellie spoke honestly, pressing another kiss over her heart.

“Excuse you,” Dina smacked her bicep. “You’ve never cut me open. You don’t know that.”

“I’ve sewn you up enough times to know.” Ellie brushed her finger tips up Dina’s strong back, over the muscle of her shoulder, and down her bicep. “Your dermis is breathtaking.”

“Okay, Romeo. This pillow talk is getting weird.” Dina pushed her hand away playfully, lifting up the sheets for them to huddle under. “Even for me. Let’s go to bed.”

“I do really want you, so you know.” Ellie settled on her side, winding an arm behind Dina, idly tracing nonsense shapes onto her thigh with her free hand. “I don’t know what happened.”

Dina held her closer, whispering “It’s okay. We have time.”

Ellie snorted as she remembered the old joke, gaining Dina’s full attention. “What’s so funny?’

“I don’t think you want to know.”

“Oh?” Dina leaned in closer, breath as sweet as her smile. “Well, now I really wanna know.”

Ellie tilted her head, eyeing her askance “I don’t think you do.” Finally, when Ellie got an affectionate groan of exasperation out of Dina that she knew she was being infuriating did she ask, “What’s the downside to eating a clock?”

“Really, Ellie? Right now?” Ellie raised her brow, challenging Dina’s false irritation. After all she did just ask for this. Dina sighed heavily, “Fine, I dunno. What?”

“It’s time consuming.” Dina’s face went blank, before she let out a disgusted noise.

“I want you to know that under any other circumstance,” Dina poked her in the side. “I’d send you off to the couch for that.”

“Worth it.” Ellie groaned, allowing Dina to use her arm as a pillow.

Dina re-positioned herself against Ellie. Throwing an arm over her stomach and loosely weaving her other around the pillow to scratch lightly at the nape of her neck. Calmly listening to the stuttering of Ellie’s heart, until it beat steady and true once more. “There is a lot more we need to talk about, but it can wait a day or two.”

“There is.” Ellie leaned down and kissed Dina’s scar on her jaw before holding her lips to the scar on her forehead. Praying she’d understand how sorry she was. For putting her in danger. For leaving. For everything. Tears fell from her eyes onto Dina’s skin. “Shit.”

“Ellie.” Dina soothed against her throat. “It’s fine.”

“Sorry, I got your face all wet.” Sniffling, Ellie brought a thumb up to wipe the tears she had left behind. Dina pried her hand away from her face, kissing the back of it.

“My face is already wet,” Dina rested her torso further up on to Ellie, cupping her cheek. “The only thing you’ll have to be sorry for is if you don’t kiss me again.” Ellie, tired of feeling sorry, obliged eagerly. Letting go with each press of their lips.

After some time Ellie leaned back, allowing herself to enjoy the feeling of skin on skin where they tangled together as Dina whispered into the baby fine hairs along her neck, “Stay?”

Ellie nodded, “If that’s what you want.”

“I want you to stay.” Dina’s eyes shone, releasing the shuddering breath she held. Ellie took her quivering lips in her own for a deep kiss. Holding herself up on her forearm, she stroked Dina’s hair line as she kissed away the tears that breached the corner of her eyes.

“Then, I’m staying.” She’d been given a life time of second chances and she would be damned if she’d fuck this one up like all the others.

Salt and sorrow ran down their cheeks and clung to their lips as a tidal wave crashed over them. Floating in this ocean of redemption they made together, Ellie washed away the blood and grime that stained her soul. Believing these waters were the closest thing to absolution someone like her would ever get, Ellie vowed. She would cleanse herself in this offering and fight prove her worth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it story's over! (Right, that's how this worked in the game? Happiness and then nothing bad happens to these two ever) But wait there is more! 
> 
> I've written and rewritten their big scene at least ten times since I wrote it on day one and this is the one that made it in, so I hope it was worth all the pain to get here. I'm so grateful for all the encouragement I've gotten from y'all and it really helped bring this scene together.
> 
> This sucker also broke 100k words which is insane to me. So if you made it this far, this ones for you. 
> 
> I was going to prattle on about how Dina and Ellie express love. Their individual approaches to showing it and how at the end of the game they were speaking the wrong love language to each other. But that would be a whole 'nother chapters worth of writing so if you wanna chat about it or bug me over it, on tumblr @ [ dissonantdreamer](https://dissonantdreamer.tumblr.com)
> 
> Next up: Ellie faces some demons and what was left behind.
> 
> EDIT 11/11/20: I had to make a few dialogue tweaks for a later chapter, sorry if that confuses anyone!


	10. I Pray To Blades of Grass To Find Forgiveness In The Weeds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JJ gets attacked by a raptor.  
> Dina shows strength.  
> Esther comforts.  
> Ellie fights to forgive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, if you're still riding this train, thank you for your patience as I get this story out. Thank you for the comments/kudos/reading the story. They really help me out and it means the word that y'all took the time to check out this sucker.

In the next few weeks the rains began to pick up and a general malaise covered Jackson. Work grew difficult for many folks. Maria even going so far as to create an activities council within the town committee hoping to brainstorm ways to give people some new entertainment to look forward to after a hard day that didn’t involve drinking. Admittedly, Ellie found her shifts on watch getting under her skin, she loathed coming back to her RV, exhausted, cold, and soaked to the bone. It wasn’t as bad as the rain in Seattle but for her the storm clouds carried more than just rain and whipping winds. They were laced with sinister visions which bore down on her in the form of nightmares.

The mindless brutality she committed woven into precious moments from her life with Dina and JJ. Memories of tilling the soil to ready it for planting Dina’s violently turned into tilling heads and bodies, her shovel cutting into innocent nameless victims. A harvest of decayed flesh. Unearthing the hollowed out tunnels of self hatred and fear she had spent time trying to bury.

Her body had become a catacomb for those felled by her hand. Some nights she’d wake in a cold sweat feeling as if the skeletons inside her and come to life and were physically trying to crawl out of her mouth. Following down those old pathways until she lay frozen in bed with blood on her hands, croaking death rattles in her ears, staring helplessly into eyes with no light left within them. Light that she had snuffed out.

There were moments after Seattle where she tried to convince herself the infection in her brain had spread to her hands. In military prep they had taught her foreign aggression was one of the first signs a person was turning. She hadn’t been good at lying to herself then, and she certainly hadn’t grown any better at it now. The excuse was weak at best and in the end it merely exacerbated the fear that she was a danger to her family.

The days grew longer, with the gray tones of the weather offering her no reprieve, Ellie felt as though her little ship had stalled in the middle of the ocean. On those days where she felt she’d never make it to shore, she found herself being kept afloat, tugged along by those around her. It manifested in many ways she never appreciated before.

Esther dropping by with a new book for her and toys for JJ.

Maria stopping in to check on her during the week in the few breaks she got in the hectic schedule of running a town in addition to their weekly chats. Making sure she was present to help Ellie when she was struggling.

Cedric and Robin insuring she ate all her favorite meals when she visited their place for her weekly dinner. Sending her home with more leftovers than her tiny fridge, let alone her stomach had room for.

Barry inviting her over to check out a stack of ancient Captain Ryan comics. So old that they were before Joel’s time, bogged down with questionable writing that they gladly tore into. Making fun of the writers who were clearly fearful of strong, capable women. Dudes who wouldn’t last a second in this world- Ellie had never met a damsel in distress in her life.

Cat visiting her for a few art sessions, sharing supplies, and easy conversation. Gifting new art books to learn from.

Even Jonesy had earned his keep tenfold despite being a cat. Each day he greeted her with quiet affections and plenty of forehead baths. Each night she returned weary, he would curl up next to her, and stand a quiet guardian. When she woke up screaming and covered in sweat he would keep her in bed, curling up on her chest, purring loudly until the comforting sound lulled her back to sleep. Though shed be loathe to say it aloud, he had grown on her. She provided him a home and in return he provided her with a stability she could reach for when her world felt like it was collapsing in on itself.

Then there was Dina. On several occasions Dina had brought over warm meals they shared in the cramped dining area of the camper. Those brought her the most comfort. Quick meals spent teasing each other and complaining about work came just as easily as when they were younger. Kisses were stolen in between bites of stew or venison, always stopping before it could go too far too fast. Trading heavy touches for slow dances and songs.

Though they grew closer they tried to keep the thinning threads of Dina’s boundaries up. A feat which grew harder as each day passed. Ellie had already slept over Dina’s twice, much to JJ’s delight. Not wanting to rush into anything and have it fall apart. They both agreed they was still so much they both had to work through. That mattered little to their son. JJ simply happy to wake to one of his favorite people crooning his favorite song.

For the first time since she could remember Ellie’s heart felt full.

Which is why under any other circumstance, Ellie would find herself pissed at her current situation. Damn near falling out of her bed, overheated, and covered in fur. However, when she looked down to see JJ cradled between her and Dina she couldn’t feel anything but elation. Gray watery light filtered through the window of her RV, as soft rains pattered lightly on the roof. The world around her turning to muddied rivers, unaware and uncaring to the asphalt man laid down decades ago.

Earlier in the afternoon Dina arrived waterlogged and exhausted after work with the intention of taking JJ home. Surprising Ellie when she took her up on the offer to dry off and relax on the bed with JJ who was in the middle of a good nap, while Ellie finished restoring the illustration in an old children’s book she was working on for Ms. Katie.

Of course once she was dry and tucked into the warm comforter, Dina had fallen asleep with JJ resting by her side. Rainy days on the farm always entailed a nap it seemed silly not to carry that tradition back to Jackson. Forgoing completing her work Ellie instead quickly sketched Dina and JJ before slipping into bed with them, Jonesy padding over to settle down on her chest.

His rumble of a purr fading into a gentle whistling snore that endeared him to Ellie. She ran her three fingers down his back and tossed some of the hair he shed behind her. Vowing to clean it up at some point in the future, for now all she could do was watch the even rise and fall of the two people she loved in front of her as their breathing synced up.

Unable to succumb to sleep herself, Ellie lay there admiring the similarities between Dina and their son. The same wild black hair curling out into a dark halo behind their heads, the subtle downturn of their lips that was always present when they slept, the way they both stretched out on the bed now that JJ was a little bigger, effectively pushing her out of her own damn bed. Even if she had it in her to be upset, the fact that she was here, allowed to witness such beauty intimately. Allowed to even be near her family again, let alone sharing an afternoon nap with them, blew her mind like it was the Challenger trying to leave earth.

“Hey, creep.” With her eyes still closed Dina murmured into the pillow, drawing Ellie’s attention to the sleepy smile rising on her lips. “You gonna keep staring?”

“Can’t deny the view,” Ellie admitted, unfazed that she was the one caught creeping for once. Not when the sight of the woman in front of her evoked the same feelings she got when she saw Boston’s skyline for the first time as a free kid all those years ago.

Humming faintly, she pressed forward, careful of JJ to tuck a stray bit of hair behind Dina’s ear. “I don’t think I could stop.”

Dina opened her eyes slowly, the light of the afternoon sun melting the deep brown of her eyes until they were sweet and honeyed like the apples they fed each other their first – and only Ellie reminded herself – Rosh Hashanah together. 

It was a memory that had flashed in and out of her head on the damaged movie reel in her head that played the best and worst moments of her life, while she traveled back from Santa Barbara. Every time she allowed herself to indulge in this particular memory, her emotions swung wildly between a desire to return to normal and knowing that unless Dina had some deep buried mercy for her transgressions, there was no normal for her to return to.

JJ was still a kick in the ribs at the time, Joel’s birthday loomed overheard as each day brought her closer to the date. In desperation, hoping to dispel the rot in her gut, Ellie took it upon herself to celebrate the holiday despite not having a fucking clue how the holiday was supposed to go aside from eating apples and honey. Wanting to do something for a pregnant Dina, who was struggling with her changing body that she loved her deeply - - to show how committed she was to the new life they had, how grateful she was they were still together after everything she had put her through. The day had been warm, and the windows had been left open as night fell. A cool evening breeze wrapped its way around the farmhouse, and Ellie had just finished giving Dina a massage when she presented the apples she’d gotten from town. It was a canvas bag with a few different kinds of apples and a fresh jar of honey from the hives outside of Jackson kept by the Clearwater family, who had given it to her for free the second she’d mentioned it was for Dina. Promising that her family would visit as soon as it was safe to. Babies in Jackson were a big thing after all.

“I didn’t want you to miss out.” Ellie held out two different apples in front of their bodies, Dina rested her back along Ellie’s front as they relaxed on the couch. “Wasn’t sure what kind to get so I got us a few different ones.” She’d tried to make a joke. Out of fear that her night terrors were growing too frequent and it was pushing them a part in a way she couldn’t bridge. Her worry oozed through the cracks of her mask and soured the sweet offerings. “So here’s to surviving seven months with me.”

“Ellie. That’s not…” Dina had leaned back with a heavy sigh, lifting her head off Ellie’s shoulder to give her jaw a soft kiss. Gently she had brought a hand up to scratch lightly at the nape of Ellie’s neck. Zeroing in on her pain and insecurity, she soothed Ellie’s mind promptly as she had always done since the first night they laid together after Joel. “You aren’t something I have to survive. You’re someone I want to survive with. Understand?”

“Yeah, sorry.” Ellie had kissed her temple, pausing there to find strength in the scent of earth and sweat from a day in the garden, prepping it for winter. “I didn’t know if I was supposed to give it to you with honey already on top, so I just brought the whole jar. The Clearwaters send their blessing for you and our tater along with it.”

“I’ll have to send them thanks. After I thank you.” Dina had kissed her fiercely then, bringing Ellie’s hand to her stomach to feel the life thriving inside her. “But first lets celebrate.”

They had spent the rest of the evening there in the living room. Dina patiently teaching Ellie her prayers. And Ellie, pissing off whoever she was praying to with terrible, well-intentioned, attempts at retaining Dina’s lessons. Even if she didn’t believe, she wanted to learn for Dina. Afterwards they returned to the couch to indulge in the sweetness of a new year together.

“See, being a creep has its perks. You couldn’t stop even if you wanted to, huh?” Dina flashed a smile that was far too coy for someone who just woke up, pulling Ellie out of her memory and back into the present. She affirmed Dina’s question with a kiss. A gentle hunger on her lips, Ellie affirmed the question several more times, wanting far more than she allowed herself to take, trying to pace out her desire while JJ still slept. Dina pulled back slowly, a self-satisfied smirk on her face as she delighted in Ellie’s fervor. “You’re dangerous.”

Ellie grimaced, her thoughts darkening. “So I’ve been told.”

The image of a short haired woman frozen in shock, the life within her dying, Ellie stripped it away and here she was with her son spared where she couldn’t she didn’t know but how could Dina love her? The admission of what she done caught in her throat, she still couldn’t bring herself to say it. Fighting to survive was different than killing for revenge.

“Hey, come back to me.” Dina’s fingers immediately traced down her jaw, trapping her chin in a loose grip. “I don’t mean it like that, I’m saying you’re making it very difficult for me to behave right now.”

“I know I’m… ” Cold insecurity leached into her as a vision of blood diluted by water swam in front of her eyes obscuring the comfort of her home. She shut her eyes tight until the darkness behind her eyelids began to flash with patterns. As if sensing her inner turmoil, Jonesy started to purr on her chest. Digging his head into her sternum until she placated him, holding him to her chest and absently rubbing a thumb over his nose. Opening her eyes to meet Dina’s she worried her lip between her teeth. “I know it’s not what you said, but it’s what I am. What being me with me is.”

“Well then it’s a good thing,” Dina paused, eyes lighting up with a playful twinkle before putting on an old, terrible accent Ellie hadn’t heard since her first months of living in Jackson with Joel. When she made friends and watched movies and things were different, easier. “I also like to live dangerously.”

When Ellie pulled away with a displeased groan, her downward spiral forgotten to the absurdity of the accent, Dina continued, “Are you not feeling randy, baby?” Letting her fingers brush over the neck of Ellie’s t shirt, making her shiver at the light touch. Jonesy placed a paw on Dina’s hand to stop her, the implied seriousness of his action making them giggle, hushing one another when JJ nestled closer to Dina’s chest.

“If there is one movie I regret introducing to you, it is that one.” Ellie glanced down feeling the tension in her chest ease, smiling broadly at Dina lying next to her. They had time for her to come to terms with what she’d done in Seattle, it could wait a little longer.

“I fucking love that.” Dina’s whole face relaxed in a grin. Her eyes glimmered with a deep fondness as if she was made of air, light and free, which she directed at Ellie.

“What?”

“That smile,” Dina asserted. “You light up from the inside and I’m the only one who gets to witness it.” She leaned forward to kiss the corner of Ellie’s lips pulling away slowly. “My personal solar flare.”

“Solar flares can actually be dangerous to astronauts and they have the potential to fuck with the Earth's-” Dina kissed her again, this time more fully. Her mouth curving upwards against her lips as Ellie stilled, stunned by the action.

Ellie shifted back, to watch Dina staring with her lips tight. Holding back a laugh.

“Fine.” Dina conceded, brushing the bit of hair that had fallen forward, back behind Ellie’s ear. “You're the product of a solar flare hitting the earth’s atmosphere, my personal aurora borealis. Better?”

Ellie paused to consider, “Magnetosphere, and better. You think you’re the only one who witnesses this wonder of the world? You’re gettin’ real full of yourself these days.”

“OH I’m full of myself?” Dina voice rose playfully as she leaned back, fully leveling Ellie with a victorious wiggle of her eyebrow.

Between them JJ began to fuss and Ellie slapped a hand over Dina’s mouth, scowling when she felt the wet smear of Dina’s tongue on her palm.“Ew. Why?”

Ellie wiped her spit covered palm against the side of Dina’s face, earning a bright cackle in return. JJ cried out, unhappy with all the noise going on around him. Ellie held Jonesy to her chest and scooted down on the cramped bed until she had JJ’s attention, nearly falling out in the process. She let Jonesy walk off her and curl up next to JJ. His small hand coming to rest on the orange fur of Jonesy’s back. JJ’s hair stood out in several directions and Ellie chuckled as she tried to comb it down with her fingers.

“Shit. Hey little dude, sorry about all the noise.” Her voice was soft and light, even as she narrowed her eyes at Dina. “Mama’s being a real asshole.”

“Please don’t teach our son that word yet.” Dina admonished, rubbing JJ’s back in small circles.

“Shit or asshole? Because there is something you should know.” Ellie gave Jonesy’s head a few scritches before she extricated herself from the sheets, padding over to the counter to grab JJ’s carrots as lately he’d taken to waking up from his naps feeling hungry. “Somethings are inevitable. And JJ is a fast learner.”

“Did your Ma teach you a bad word?” Dina kissed JJ’s head, helping him give affectionate pats to Jonesy.

“I didn’t teach him, shit. He uh… picked it up.” Ellie mimed JJ picking up a piece of shit. “Literally.”

Dina pinched the bridge of her nose. “Why am I not surprised.”

“ Hey he didn’t eat  shit , did’ja spud?” Ellie picked him up,  giving his bleary  face a  kis s,  as she sat him up against Dina’s stomach. “You want some carrots?” She held one out  to him and he turned his head to Dina, rolling  over  to grab  at her chest.

“Mama?”  His little voice came out tired and he grabbed at the neck of her shirt. Dina’s eyes crinkled as she rubbed his back, whispering for him to be patient.

Pushing herself up on the bed until she sat braced against the wall, Dina placed JJ in her lap. Though they were weaning away from breastfeeding, Dina still let him dictate when he wanted to nurse. It had become rather infrequent as he got bigger, but some days he needed the connection just as much as he needed the nourishment.

“Sorry, El. Looks like JJ doesn’t carrot all.” Dina countered playfully as she lifted her shirt to let JJ latch, cradling him close as he began to suckle. 

Ellie sighed,  holding the carrots in her hands dejectedly. The quirk of her lips giving her away as she tried to  hid e  a  lopsided grin .  “ I guess it’s for the breast.”

“Why does that work for me?” Dina lamented with a shake of her head, carefully brushing JJ’s hair away from his face. He would need his first haircut soon it was getting so long. “Of all the things.”

“It’s a real mystery isn’t tit.”  Ellie offered as she put the carrots back on the counter and slipped back into bed  using her arm as a pillow . Dina  snorted at the pun, trying  to  suppress her giggles as her son fed. 

They fell into a comfortable silence, Ellie  stretched out on the bed next to them admiring the woman before her.  Dina hummed the melody of an old song Ellie used to sing on the farm to JJ, moving her hair over  her left shoulder baring the mole on her neck  and Ellie followed it down  to the swell of her chest underneath JJ’s little palm . 

Even in the gray afternoon light, she was radiant. A deep rush of affection sprung forward in her chest at the sight.  She found herself torn between getting her notebook and staying still long enough to burn the image in her head like a photo negative.

“You always watch.” Dina observed. The statement wasn’t accusatory, yet it made Ellie rub her chin against her upper arm. The truth etched all over pages of her journals, never spoken, had always made her a little self-conscious.

“ Sorry. I just...  This is going to sound so stupid aloud.”  Ellie  mumbled into  the crook of her elbow .  Tugging at her hair, she took a deep breath and met Dina’s gaze. “I never really had a mother figure.  My mo m died  the day after I was  born .  Complications from having me. Marlene,  the Firefly,  was  my guardian.” 

Watching her curiously, Dina scooted herself and JJ up a little so she could brace her head in her hand against the sill patiently waiting for Ellie to continue. “She watched over me but she wasn’t present. Shipped me off to whatever Military prep would take me. She gave me the letter from my mom. When I was younger I read it to myself whenever I was scared. I read it damn near every day up until JJ was born.” 

Dina’ s face opened in surprise.  Ellie had showed her the letter once, when  she’d been  caught her reading it instead of sleeping. She  never admitted why  in the days leading up to JJ’s birth  she had read it over and over  hoping to find some hidden answers to being a mother .  “ You know, s he  said  hated babies,  when she held me that all changed .  She was awestruck. I was the most incredible thing she’d done in her life .” 

She  frowned in thought, letting a finger brush the back of Dina’s hand where she held JJ’s leg as she  tr ied to figure out how to say what she wanted to. “I felt that when I held JJ for the first time.  A nd after everything  I’ve done , I know I’m constantly fucking up being a mother. But  I see you with him and I feel that awe  of holding him  all over again. Every time.” 

Dina let go of JJ’s leg and held  Ellie's hand in hers. Her thumb smoothing over the barely visible notched scars  on her palm  before trailing up to stroke the backs of her stubs tenderly. The spark of  memory that her brain spared  for  Dina’ s touch fired off in her brain and for one moment her hand felt whole again.

“Ellie, you make a fine parent now. I really can’t wait until he’s older, you’re going to teach him so many things and I’m going to watch you and feel the same way you do now.” She squeezed Ellie’s hand comfortingly. “Always have, always will. Every fucking time.”

“ You don’t know that.”  Ellie dropped her head, biting her lips. She’d fucked up so much already. “I freaked out and scared him. He probably has  residual  baby trauma from me.” Dina rolled her eyes at the statement  with a huff,  f licking her finger against Ellie’s knuckles.

“ Shut up.  I’ m being serious, El. I knew  you were going to be a good mom  the moment he was bor n.  I mean you looked about ready to puke , until you took him in your arms to clean him  off . I  was so exhausted but I’ ll never forget how you  changed in that moment.  It was like everything  in your world came down to him.”  Taking a thumb and forefinger to the corners of her eyes, Dina wiped at the tears gathered there. “ Why do you think I let you see him right away?” 

“Cause you’re way too nice to me?” Ellie deflected, staring at Joel’s watch where it hung on the wall. Feeling undeserved of Dina’s earnest words. The night of JJ’s birth had been marred when her panic of having a son gave way to the suffocating guilt that came with JJ’s first breath, thinking of the aquarium and the tiny body she had suffocated before had a chance to take it’s first breaths. That came to a halt the second JJ’s cries pieced the air and they knew his lungs worked just fine.

She’d never shed a happy tear in her life before the moment she watched Dina hold JJ to her chest. Seeing her with their little spud, Ellie had cried enough to make up for all her tears lost to pain and sorrow. When JJ was placed in her arms for the first time, she couldn’t have a single thought beside how much she loved this little boy.

“No, stupid. Because no matter how dark things got for you, you made sure you were good for him. Even those nights you rode off to hunt, the first thing you did was check on him when you got back. You did what you thought was best to keep him safe.”  Her voice darkened as she stared through Ellie. “ Even if I don’t agree with  how you went about it . ”

JJ let out a burp and they looked down to see he had fallen back asleep against Dina’s chest. “Passed out mid-meal.” Ellie snorted, wiping a dribble of breast milk from his chin with her thumb. “Just like his Mama.”

“You give birth and see if you can stay awake for burnt stew.”

“I didn’t burn the stew! That’s a beloved family recipe.” Ellie faltered, offended on the behalf of Joel’s stew. “I- I enhanced it with some smokey flavor.” The tension from Dina’s last statement bled out as they watch the rise and fall of JJ’s chest, his tiny lungs strong and healthy.

“Do you want to come over to morrow and watch a movie?”  The question was sudden and spoken  with such sincerity Ellie was taken aback.  They had been respectful about giving each other space,  for themselves and JJ who had grown used to a schedule .  More than c ontent not to label anything yet. 

“I um... I don’t wanna overstep. I know we talked about boundaries and easing-.”

“Ellie,” Dina interrupted with an affectionate smile. “Your chivalry is noted. And we will have many more discussions on where this is going.” She pointed to herself then tapped a finger on Ellie’s cheek. “But JJ is really interested in seeing what the big deal is about those dinosaur movies.”

“Well if JJ says it’s okay.” Ellie smiled, her eyes falling to her little spud’s sleeping face before she met Dina’s fond gaze. “I guess I’ll see you both for a movie night.”

\--- --- --- 

To her surprise, Ellie’s old TV had been moved up to Dina’s room as had her old futon couch. Joel’s record collection having been cleared out when they moved to the farm. Across from the TV they had moved her futon couch - which sat underneath the wood cut out of Texas Joel had made \- replacing Joel’s recliner.

Ellie ran her hand over the Playstation3 that sat  on the console table underneath it,  despite not seeing it for over a year Ellie knew it was hers .  Dina must have gone through her old stuff in the garage. Fondly she brushed her finger over the  chip in the plastic,  right next to the power button, from where she angrily threw her controller after Dina had beaten her at The Turning for the third time in a row despite swearing she never played before. 

Piles of games and DVD sat around  the console , Jak X, the stupid DVD collection of action flicks with the crude cover Tommy  drew  for  Joel’s fiftieth birthday. She’d kept everything.  Ellie pressed the power button, the console pinged as the disc tray opened.

“This was mine.  I thought it died ?”  When they had returned  from Seattle they briefly stayed in Ellie’s old place.  Disappointingly her Playstation had died  one night after she tried booting up an older  flight simulator  game she’d found  in a box of Joel’s things. That night Dina held her as she cried when she open the game case and found a note, realizing he had been planning on giving it to her for her  eighteenth birthday. 

“ No one cleaned out your apartment. I needed something to do, so I fixed it.”  Dina said, offhandedly as she casually rifled through the DVD collection until she found one with the wide toothy mouth of a t-rex on the front.

“Fuck,” Ellie scratched at her cheek impressed with how the components came easily to Dina. “I tried fixing up the radio in the farmhouse and I just made things worse I think. How many little screws are supposed to be left over when you finish?”

Dina  chuckled brightly as she wrapped her arms around Ellie’s middle rest ing her chin on her shoulder. “If you’re me, none.” 

Ellie felt two tiny arms wrap around her leg and she stiffened clenching the muscles in her legs tight enough to hurt, as some primal instinct tried to rear it’s head and kick out at the invisible monster in her head. 

Dina pulled a hand back and scratched her short nails over the tense muscle of Ellie’s shoulder, reminding her that she was safe. She already blamed herself for JJ’s attachment issues, the last thing Ellie wanted to do was fucking punt her little Spud across the room because she forgot herself in a panic. 

Dressed in his dino onesie JJ babbled gleefully, motioning with his hands to be picked up. Ellie complied, swinging him in an arc until his toes pointed to the ceiling and his joyful squealing face was above her own. Dina cocked her head at Ellie who tucked JJ safely into her side with a sheepish bite of her lip.

“More!” Dina nudged Ellie’s hip with her own, shaking her head.

“Say, Tater? You wanna help me move all the blankets to the couch while Mama does all the hard electronic stuff?” Tossing JJ in the middle of the bed, grabbing the corners of the blanket to create a sack she brought him to the couch. Entertaining him by covering and uncovering his face with the blanket while they waited for Dina. 

With the curtains closed, and the soft glow of the screen the room thrown into a comfortable light blue hue. With her best velociraptor impression, Ellie flexed the fingers on her left hand pretended to take large bites out of him.

“No! El-muh, sore!”  He pushed her face away with his little hands and she gave  another series of short croaking barks as she pivot ed her head to and fro until s he was close enough to  give him a kiss on the forehead.

His joy always brought out this carefree part of her she thought she had killed in California, being here, playing with him, being his mom again, they were all things she’d never give up again, never stop fighting to keep. 

Sliding underneath the blankets next to them Dina gave a mighty roar and bite at Ellie’s neck, not enough to hurt, but enough for her to feel the scrape of teeth at the hollow of her throat. Ellie knew it was part of the game, yet she couldn’t stop as her mind drifted through the haze of the past year to a long forgotten memory.

“ _Oh, you want a bite_ _mark?”_

Pulse in her throat Ellie did her best to give a good raptor  death rattle as she fell  over dramatically  ont o  the  empty side of the  couch, her head dangling over t he wooden arm of the frame . JJ  roared  as he  braced himself on Dina’s back to  crawl up  to sit on  Ellie’s chest,  poking her face as she popped her tongue out the side of her mouth  with a grunt.  He slapped his little hands on her face and she tried to stay still, groaning when he stepped on a particularly sensitive kidney.

Placing a soothing kiss on her neck, Dina  simpered against her skin,  whispering in her ear  before pushing herself into a seated position against the  back of the couch , “You can be aliv e now .”

Moaning in pain, Ellie slowly rose up, JJ tumbling forward off of her chest into the mass of blankets between his parents with a squeal. In front of them the DVD menu disappeared, replaced with the bouncing text of the screen saver, grumbling, Dina went over and pressed a button on the controller once to take it out of sleep mode and a second time to start the movie. JJ tucked himself in Ellie’s lap, babbling enthusiastically.

“ That’s right, spud. Mama did cheat.”  Ellie whispered as her racing heart calmed down.

Sidling up next to her as the sound of chirping crickets filled the room. Dina took Ellie’s right hand in hers and placed it over her shoulders so she could lean against her, resting a hand on Ellie’s knee.

Every time Ellie began to whisper correct dinosaur facts to JJ instead of quietly watching the movie Dina would squeeze her knee to hush her. Ignoring Ellie’s protests that their son was learning incorrect information, and she didn’t want him to grow up misinformed. After some light scolding, Ellie’s mouth quieted, yet her mind could not.

The whole situation  reminded her of watching the movie with Joel and Tommy for the first time  on the couch in the living room below them . 

Joel and Ellie had returned from the museum and while things were still a little distant between them, Tommy did his best to keep things light. Loudly asking her questions and arguing with Joel over her answers. Tommy taking her side and Joel citing the film. Eventually Joel grew exhausted of being teamed up on and grouchily told her and Tommy to shut the fuck up. Sitting cross-armed on the couch while they threw popcorn at him. Tommy had argued the importance of factual correctness on her behalf until he and Joel were in the middle of a popcorn war. It was the first time since Riley she wasn’t plagued with worry. It was the first time she saw the Joel that Tommy had always told her about-Sarah’s Joel. Sarah’s dad. 

Where Joel had always been just Joel, Tommy treated her like a niece since day one, n ever  acting like she was cargo or a cure, he had become someone she could talk to, joke with, one of the few people who  saw the same sides of Joel that she did.

Ellie had been meaning to seek him out for a while now. Playing out scenarios in her head until the sun rose. Too fearful of having to look him in the eye and tell him she failed to keep her promise. Too embarrassed that she couldn’t walk up to him and just fucking talk. Worried that if she went to him, Dina wouldn’t want to see her anymore. Tommy wasn’t a topic she could bring up around Dina. Not without anger. Dina’s feelings were justified, and Ellie had to respect them.

Readjusting herself against the back of the couch Ellie took deep breaths trying to center her mind on being present now. Even with the solid weight of her son in her arms and the warm comfort of Dina’s hand on her thigh, her thoughts held her back from enjoying the moment. Several times her heart caught in her throat and she wondered, sitting in Joel’s old bedroom, if this is how he felt the night she decided to forgive him?

Did he sit here and feel like his world had been rearranged completely in that moment? 

That for a bright moment nothing could hurt him as long as the one person he cared about forgave him? Did he spend his last moments wishing for the kind of moment she was too broken to enjoy?

Picking up on Ellie’s distance, Dina slid closer, wrapped her arm behind Ellie and pressed closer into Ellie’s side. She kissed her temple running her hand through the hairs at her nape, the other tangled with Ellie’s left hand where it was braced over JJ’s stomach. The as the light from the television flickered over the three over them and she murmured gently in Ellie’s ear.“Good thing JJ fell asleep, this is way more intense than I remember.”

“Wait,  you’ve seen this movie?”  She asked, frowning as she checked on her son. Sure enough JJ had fallen asleep on her. 

“Yeah, Maria would do a movie night  with me when she could.”  Dina  looked to wards the corner where she had  replaced Joel’s old dresser with a  personal  work station, mismatched electronics taken apart surrounded by unfinished embroidery, and  rested her chin on Ellie’s shoulder. 

“ She did a lot for me, for JJ.”  Dina let go of Ellies hand, kissing JJ’s head, before leaning back to watch Ellie’s face. “Do you mind putting him to bed?”

I t was if Ellie’s heart heard the words before her ears did. She blinked rapidly her eyes filling with tears, she swallowed several times before letting out a watery, “I got him.”

Padding into his room Ellie gently lowered him into his crib, the light from the other room spilled over her son as though he was bathed in moon light. She tucked him in between Ollie and  his giraffe before leaning down to press a kiss to his forehead. Leaning on the rails for a moment to collect herself she went to Dina.

She found Dina on the bed staring at the ceiling. Ellie joined her, their eyes flitting away from one another to the pressed on constellations above. Getting a better view it seemed Dina had made earnest attempts to get a few constellations right before giving up and placing the rest haphazardly over the rest of the section of ceiling.

“Some nights when JJ  couldn’ t sleep we’d s tay up in here. I’ d ma k e up  constellations , just like his mom used to.” Ellie scoffed.

“Sure, blame me for your astronomical inaccuracies.” Ellie teased. Dina grew still next to her, the quiet space between them feeling closer to how it used to be when they were younger.

“Is it weird being in Joel’s bed?” The words were hushed, as though mentioning Joel would break Ellie. Ellie could only make out Dina’s eye in the triangle of light that broke through the curtain, a dark hole in a sea of white. “I didn't think about it.”

“Technically this was my bed first.” Ellie admitted, glancing over as Dina rolled onto her hip, to face her.

“I thought you were in the garage the whole time?” Dina asked, brows pinching together.

“Nope. Maria put us up in this house of first night. My old place wasn’t finished.” Ellie turned to Dina picking at invisible threads on the sheets. Tommy had a much larger hand in getting them a place to live than Maria, it was for the best not to mention his name now. “I demanded this room because I never got to sleep on a bed this big without there being a dead body or something decayed in it.”

Snorting at the memory of Joel stuffing himself into the old chair in the corner Ellie smiled. “If that annoyed Joel I don't know, he went out the next day and brought me back a bed as big as his so I'd never feel cramped again.” Leaning over to kiss Dina’s shoulder Ellie chuckled lowly. “Well, until you.”

Dina pushed Ellie back by her chest, “Excuse me? The fuck do you mean by that?”

“You’re a bed hog.” Ellie stated plainly watching Dina’s eyes go wide.

“Oh, I'm a bed hog, huh?” Dina threw a leg over Ellie hips. “You're the one that will spread out over the damn bed if I'm not there to corral you into your spot.

Ellie flipped their position, Dina shouting in surprise as her head hit the mattress by the end of the bed. “You’re the one that damn near kicks me out of bed after “corralling" me in the corner as you put it.”

Ellie sat on her haunches to air quote Dina, the bed creaked, a pair of strong arms wrapped around her middle, her world shifted into a blur as they toppled over the edge of the bed. Dina landing on top of her forcefully.

A flash of white sparked in her vision as she discovered the hard wood of the floor with her back a fraction of a second before her head found it. The resulting thump of Dina’s misjudged attack shook the house as their bodies landed on the floor.

“You win, please no more.” Ellie groaned, clenching her eyes tight against the throb of pain. Resting her hands on Dina’s hips. Dina cupped Ellie’s head with one hand bringing the other to her own mouth to stifle her laughter.

“Fuck, El. I’m so sorry.” Dina leaned forward, placing her hand on the floor next to Ellie’s face gently probing the rapidly growing lump on the back of her head with practiced fingers. Dina moved to watch Ellie’s face for signs of pain.

Instead of pain, Ellie inhaled sharply when a sudden realization clicked in her head like the snap of the barn padlock locking, loud and strong. She couldn’t fear the darkness of her past not when she trusted Dina with everything she had.

Gazing into the nebulous brown of Dina’s eyes she felt calm, barely registering that Dina’s weight had her pinned down in a way that usually filled her lungs with a burning sensation, choking her with the acrid black smoke of a fire that had been long put out. The smoke curling out her mouth in a thick tendril as a heavy body above her pressed her back into the hard floor.

Even with the pressure of Dina’s body on hers and the grain of the wood digging into her back it was more of an annoyance. There was no racing of her heart or clawing to escape from underneath as it had many times before.

“Did you hit your head too hard?” The question a warm breath on Ellie’s skin. A thumb pulled her eyelid up as Dina leaned closer inspected her pupil. “You’re giving me a weird look are you okay?”

“You’re the only person I trust like this.” Ellie raked her teeth over her upper lip trying to find the right way to say what was in her head. Reaching up for Dina’s jaw, slack with confusion, Dina covered Ellie’s hand with her own. The warmth of her skin calming. “I’ve never trusted anyone enough to be under them. Not since Colorado.”

Dina’s eyes went wide as she connected the dots. Ellie could practically hear the gears turning. “Ellie.” Her gaze was kind, gently stroking the back of Ellie’s hand. Enough to overwhelm.

Lifting her hand Ellie pointed up at the ceiling hoping to distract herself from the ache in her chest, and the voice in her head that screamed she didn’t deserve this.

“You know those two stars in Scutum aren't supposed to be that close right?” Dina glanced upwards before tossing Ellie an empty glare.

“Oh, fuck off.” Dina rolled her eyes and swung her leg back over Ellie’s legs, to move off of her and into a sitting position. “Don't you star-t with me.”

Ellie gave a groan of disapproval as she sat up mirroring Dina. Her arms wrapped around her leg drawing them close enough to rest her chin atop her knees. They stared at each other for a few seconds before they bother burst into laughter as the tension bled out of the air between from Ellie’s earlier admittance.

Dina straightened, scooting over until her back was flush against the bed and she leaned her head back on the edge of the mattress look at the plastic stars overhead. “Do you know why Talia left?”

“She sat still too long?” She understood the fear, settling down was a risk if you were running.

“No, no. We argued and she asked me if I was just going to run back to you.”

“Oh?” This was news to Ellie.

“And I couldn’t tell her no.”

Why? After everything they faced, after everything Ellie had done. The hurt she had caused. She didn’t even know if she was going to be allowed to stay in Jackson the day Talia clocked her. 

“…I hurt you so much.”

“ It’s the same reason I still love Talia, but had to settle on my own.”  Dina pressed her forehead to her forearms for a minute, gathering herself before she continued. “ Sometimes the people you love get swallowed up with their own darkness  to the point  they can’t see how it  hurts the people around them, and you have to choose between staying in the light or letting their darkness take you down with them. I love  my sister ,  all my  love couldn’t stop h er paranoia  from  slowly killing me . I would do anything for her. But her distrust and hatred of everyone around us was too much.  I can’t sit by and let someone  I love  hurt me.”

Ellie understood that a little better now. Dina’s inner strength was a beacon in the darkness of the world. To rise each day with hope that things would work out. Replace the fear around her with love and give that love to herself as much if not more than she gave it to those around her were actions unheard of to most. 

“ When Talia came back to Jackson she... I thought this time I would be enough for her to stay.” The hurt woven and threaded deep into Dina’s whisper was so visceral  Ellie found herself moving  closer to stare at the stars on the ceiling.

Dina watched Ellie adjust for a moment, before turning her gaze upwards, voice strained when she continued. “Everyday Talia was here she tried to convince me to leave with her. Pick up JJ and keep moving. Said one day Jackson would become my tomb. After our mother died, her paranoia grew and I couldn’t help her. After we left New Mexico settling was a danger. All I’ve ever wanted is to the call the place where I rest my head my own, you know?” 

“Yeah, I do.” Ellie tapped her finger tips together and faced Dina, clearing her throat before speaking, “I was thinking about going back to the farm in a few weeks. I had a big talk with Maria, we both think it’d be good for me. That I’m ready.” Dina rested a hand on Ellie’s knee and squeezed.

“Did you ever really want to live out on that farm?” Dina asked, she didn’t meet Ellie’s eyes.

Living out there felt isolating at times. Often found herself drowning in her past barely able to keep her head above in the present. Her mind twisting the situation around itself enough it felt like Bill’s town on a smaller scale. There were things to do with her hands, nothing that kept her mind busy long enough to fall asleep or to be there for Dina.

Ellie thought about what she had now, family, friends. Support. Dina had them too. It made a world of difference, deep down Ellie knew there was one truth that overwrote all of that.

“I only ever wanted to be where you are.” Ellie shuffled closer and bumped their knees together with a low chuckle. “Still kinda do.” The corner of Dina’s lips lifted in a weak smile and she rested her head on Ellie’s arm.

“I tried to wait there for you when we went back to clear it out.” The words came out shaky, Dina didn’t move to face Ellie, it filled with her nebulous sorrow, watching Dina relive her heart break.

“You waited?” Ellie glanced sideways, as Dina closed her eyes.

“I tried. Maria wouldn’t let me stay more than the two days it took to pack everything. That last day Cedric practically had to knock me out to get me home.”

“Why?” Ellie thought how lonely she had been in the weeks she stayed.

“It hurt to be there.” Dina pushed Ellie’s arm not unkindly, a murky chuckle left her lips. “But someone had to leave out sheets for you if you came back. You’d always forget to make the bed.”

“I made the bed.” She can feel Dina’s head shake disapprovingly against her arm. “I still argue that just folding the comforter over counts as making the bed.” She never slept in the bed enough to actually justifying making it anyway. Saying that aloud would only hurt and she’d fucking hurt Dina enough as it stood.

“Do you want me to go with you?” Dina questioned, her hand squeezing lightly at Ellie’s tricep. Ellie directed her attention to the band of freckles along Dina’s cheeks bridging her nose.

“I’m going with Esther. I need to go back for myself.” Truthfully, Ellie would love to have Dina along, there was still some work to be done between them. Dina had locked her away in that room and there were truths that spoke to the damage Ellie had done that she needed to face alone, to process for herself before they could visit together.

“I’m not grabbing much, maybe next time?” The hopeful pitch in her voice must have registered with Dina because she smiled full and bright before her lips thinned and she grew somber. Her eyes big and worried as she searched Ellie’s face.

“Okay.” Dina whispered, and Ellie hated how scared she sounded. Dina faced her and Ellie moved her head until they were close enough that whenever she breathed out Dina breathed in. “You’ll come back to me right?”

“Of course.” They shared a chaste kiss and Ellie pressed their foreheads together. “I’ll always come home.”

\--- --- --- ---

“Do you want the key?” Dina asked from behind her. She had offered to walk her to the stables from the RV. Ellie stopped her count of ammo and turned to face Dina on her couch, Jonesy absolutely dying from joy at the way Dina lazily pet him, making sure to get behind his good ear and along his stomach. His purr as loud as a boat engine in the silence between them.

“The spare’s still hidden there.” Ellie said, dumping the ammo into her pack with a shrug.

“That sounds like a lot of work compared to what you have to do to get this key.” Dina flashed Ellie a mischievous grin, shifting her weight to put her feet up on the table. Casually spinning the key ring about her finger like she was some gunslinger in the old Westerns the town used to watch in the gym.

“And what is it that I have to do to get this key?” Ellie stepped closer, leaning down into Dina’s space with an easy smirk, watching as Dina played aloof. Whatever game this was becoming, there were no losers. She could tell by the way Dina’s eyes dilated, and by the tiny sharp intake of breath she made as Ellie braced her hands on the couch on either side of her that both of them were willing participants.

“You have to kiss me. Before you leave.” Dina spoke firmly, her eyes flicking over Ellie’s face. Tapping a finger on her chin as she pretended to ponder the offer a brief shadow of anxiety crossed Dina’s face, her body stilling as she held her breath.

Wanting to assuage any fear and not wanting to turn down an easy deal Ellie nodded. As she dipped her head lower, a hand on her sternum stopped her. Lifting a brow in question she loosely wrapped her left hand over her wrist feeling Dina’s pulse kick up against her fingertips. The hand over her sternum suddenly twisting the fabric of her flannel in a tight grip. Dina met her curious gaze with desperation “And when you get back.”

Dina’s lips were hesitant against hers. It wasn’t a goodbye, but it wasn’t what Ellie knew she wanted. Pulling Dina to her with a gentle tug she wrapped an arm around her back and ran and hand up her back into the loose ponytail at her neck, deepening the kiss until they both felt a little too hot for such a tiny room.

Kissing down Dina’s neck to press her lips against the hammering pulse she found there, she stood back to admire her work. Dina’s chest heaved, her dark skin flushed. Ellie was relieved to see her eyes had lost their panic, replaced by a wild desire. “Half now, the rest when I get back.”

“If you don’t come back to finish this, I will hunt you down.” Dina pressed the key into her hand, pulling Ellie down by the collar of her flannel for another kiss. Smiling into the slow kiss they shared, Ellie barely managed to extract herself from Dina’s magnetic pull with a cocky snicker.

“Don’t threaten me with a good time.” She thumbed her fingers through the loops on her belt realizing she had gotten so caught up in the feel of Dina’s skin against her lips she almost forgot her knife. Grabbing the case off the counter she reverently touched the moth. Ellie had felt weird walking around unguarded for months.

She lost so much to the ocean yet here in her hands was something of hers something of Joel’s. The tactile feel of the leather under her fingertips made his absence feel less like that of a revenant and more of an anchor. To the end he had fought for her and in the end he would always fight with her in some way as she navigated these new waters.

This world always cycles back no matter how much you run. Joel taught her that. She could only ease up so much before her past came back to kill her. However, he taught her that if she gripped on to that fear, spent her whole life glancing over her shoulder, sleeping with on eye open. She’d miss out on what life she has left to live.

“Lookin’ sharp, old man.” Ellie joked to herself. Pulling the new knife out of its sheath and tucking it into her back pocket, she gathered up the rest of her things.

Slinging her pack over her shoulder she walked over to her desk and grabbed the sketch she’d done when she’d gotten back to the farmhouse, trying to remember how the bed looked when it wasn’t empty and she wasn’t alone. The one Maria had framed for her. Nudging Dina’s foot with her own she handed it over. “I’ll also be back to pick this up. Keep it safe for me?”

“Ellie” Dina’s breath came out thin and awed, she traced her hand over the graphite version of her own face, slack in sleep. “This is how you see me?” Cocking her head to the side Ellie studied the woman in front of her. The pinch of her face, tight with unspoken emotion. She hadn’t meant to upset Dina, all she wanted to do was calm her down. Ease the worry that she wasn’t coming back.

“I draw you all the time.” Ellie tugged at the webbing between her thumb and fore finger suddenly self-conscious of her work. “I was just trying to remember what you two looked like. Sorry, I can put it away.” Dina held the frame out of her reach, batting her hand away.

“I look beautiful. And JJ looks so,” Dina pressed the back of her hand into her eye, at a loss for words. “I never got many pictures of him when he was that little.”

“You are beautiful.” Was Ellie’s stubborn response, earning herself a watery eye roll.

“You might want to give me something else you want back,” Dina sniffed, nose flaring as she tucked her lips into her mouth. “I might keep this for myself.”

“How about Jonesy?” Ellie reached down and picked the cat in question up off the couch. He growled, narrowing his eye in annoyance with her until he realized he was getting a treat when she fed him some of the beef from her broth.

“If JJ finds him, you will never see that cat again.” Dina strode over to the counter, putting the tupperware of stew back into the mini fridge as Ellie watched. She admired how effortlessly she moved in her space.

Scratching at the patch of white fur under his jaw Ellie grinned at the cat as he eagerly gnawed on his food. “I’m sure you’d love that huh, dude? Living with JJ. You’d have twice as many kidneys to step on.” Jonesy purred in response and she stepped over to the bed placing him down on the comforter, checking to make sure his window was propped open. As she went to duck back out a glint of metal on the wall above her bed caught her attention and she was struck with an idea.

She grabbed the watch and turned back to Dina.

“Give me your hand, yeah?” Dina raised an eyebrow in question, her hand coming to rest in Ellie’s as she did as she was asked.

She rested the back of Joel’s watch against Dina’s skin watching as lines crossed Dina’s forehead, her brow tightening with confusion. Meeting Ellie’s eyes her jaw opened in realization and sucked a lungful of air through her teeth. “Ellie.” Her name came out hard, an unspoken no.

Tightening the strap of the watch until it fit, Ellie tapped the face and brought Dina’s wrist to her ear meeting Dina’s hard stare with what she hoped was a comforting smirk, “I think it might only be right twice.”

Dina pressed her lips together in a thin line. Lifting her wrist out of Ellie’s hands, she ran a finger between the band and her wrist, the metal case comically large on Dina compared to Joel’s wrist. “I can’t take this, Ellie.”

“It’s for luck.” Dina held her breath as Ellie echoed the old statement she had used all those years ago.

“I thought you don’t believe in luck?” Her voice wasn’t accusatory, there was a light tinge of disbelief that made Ellie chuckle.

“I don’t.” Ellie touched the bracelet on her own wrist, adjusting the worn strands of leather so it sat more comfortably. Carefully thumbing over the glass eye that continued to bring her back home time and time again before meeting Dina’s questioning gaze. “I believe you might be on to something though.”

Taking a deep breath, Dina reverently touched the grooves on the case, nodding to herself before pulling Ellie’s left hand to her lips and pressing them on the back of the last two knuckles.

“You, ready?” Dina held an elbow out. Ellie looped her arm through, laughing at how awkward it felt with their slight height difference. Dina nudged their shoulders together and led them out the RV and towards the stables, absently talking herself through a complex wiring problem there were having out at the dam that Ellie couldn't follow. Merely nodding dumbly and agreeing when Dina sounded like she thought she was certain about a connection.

As much as they both wanted the walk to last it was over far to quickly. Ellie adjusted the gun holster on her thigh and reached for the cool reassurance of the knife tucked into her back pocket.

“I’ll see you when you get back. To collect the rest of my debt.”

“It’s a debt now?” Ellie chuckled leaning down to kiss a freckle on Dina’s cheek.

“Don’t be _too_ reckless.” Dina whispered as she kissed her jaw twice before kissing her full on the lips.

“Have you met me?” Ellie smiled into the kiss, growing serious when she pulled away. Straightening up and pushing her shoulders back she spoke in a deep monotone, blankly staring past Dina’s head. “I’ll be back.”

Dina slugged her arm for the bad impersonation, opening her mouth to say something, before closing it and stepping back as Maria came out of the stables with an old brown stallion in tow. Giving Ellie’s hand a final squeeze she let the two have a moment, going over to Japan’s stall calling out to her horse affectionately.

“Ready to ride?” Maria held out the reins to Joel’s old horse to her.

“Maria?” Ellie frowned as she took Old Beardy’s reins from her aunt’s hands, confused. The horse chewed at her hair until she brought a hand to his barrel with a hearty clap. After returning from Seattle Tommy had taken ownership of the old horse. The last time she saw him was when Tommy visited the farm. “I thought he was Tommy’s?”

“He’s yours now. Said Joel would want him in good hands.” She took a step back biting at her thumbnail, taking a deep breath before she squared her shoulders.  “Be good and we’ll talk about group patrols when you get back.” Ellie brightened at words. Maria cleared her throat, placing a hand on Ellie’s shoulder her brow wrinkling ever so slightly as she spoke. “You two go out to the farm, you come back. If you aren’t back by sundown I’m sending out a scouting team so don’t dawdle.”

“Maria we’ll be fine.” Ellie assured her, stepping into Maria’s arms. “I appreciate you trusting me like this.”

“I know you need this, Ellie.” Maria rubbed at her back. Swallowing hard enough for Ellie to hear it right by her ear, she whispered, “Just be safe.”

Moving away first, Maria’s face tightened. She gave Ellie’s forearm a squeeze and stepped back. Her hand coming up in greeting to the person approaching them on horse back.

“I’ll wrap her up in bubble wrap if it’ll make you feel better,” Esther’s voice called from above her shoulder as the clop of Macy’s hooves stopped short. “Though she might cut her way out on me.”

Ellie held a palm out for Macy to inspect with a few inquisitive nibbles, as Esther beamed down at them, holding out Ellie’s weapons. Giving Macy a firm few pats Ellie took the proffered rifle and pistol to with a small grin, checking both weapons before holstering them. Esther nodded to Maria and headed to join the other pairs going off on patrol.

The area around the gate sprung to life, patrol rules were shouted over the din of the gate rumbling to life, as it was pushed open. Ellie began to lead Beardy over to join the rest of the group.

“You be safe out there!” Maria called after her.

Pulling herself up into Beardy’s saddle, Ellie gave Maria a two fingered salute, and grinned. 

“ Thanks!”

\--- --- --- ---

They made the push out to the farmhouse in high spirits. Ellie happily whistled melodies for Esther to sing over. She felt alive for the first time in a while. Content to let the sun warm her face, and the cool breeze lift the hairs off her neck. Passing through the small town, they sobered up a bit. Keeping an eye out for anything out of place, despite confirmation it was clear during the most recent sweep of the town. In fact Dina had been out to set up a radio tower in the newest outpost just over a fortnight ago, the knowledge making Ellie smile when they passed the old town hall. The skies were clear for the first time in what felt like forever and it made travel swift, cutting the travel time to the farmhouse down significantly.

Ellie thought she'd feel trepidation, the same paralyzing isolation as she had once before, but as the forest gave way and the trees parted to reveal the perimeter gate Ellie felt calm. The old farm house a little worse for the wear. The edge of the porch roof closest to the barn had collapsed in a little to her dismay. She could see more patches where the elements had worn the paint away to reveal the worn tan grain of the siding. Winter had left it’s mark, yet the house still stood. Like her.

Jumping down from old Beardy, Ellie rubbed his side and gently lead him over to the fence. Immediately he began to graze on a patch of fresh grass as a cool breeze picked up. The plains grass rustled together and it sounded like waves receding and crashing back onto shore, the field in front of her turning into an ocean of amber. No matter where she went it seemed there was a bay to harbor in. A shore to wash up on.

Leaning on the gate door she closed her eyes and counted down from ten, letting her thoughts drift back to the task at hand. Opening her eyes, she pulled Dina’s key out of her chest pocket and scanned the nearby section of fence for any sort of breach. There were no immediate links missing or signs of damages, when she felt it was all clear, she unlocked the door and led Beardy through, holding the gate open for Esther and Macy to follow.

“You good kid?” Esther asked, ducking under the fence. Her eyes warm and worried, never leaving Ellie’s face.

Once Esther and Macy were through the gate, Ellie locked up behind them glancing back at the house before answering.

“Yeah, I'm good.” Dina wanted to give her a second chance. Whatever she found here wasn’t her future.

Giving Beardy’s reins a tug she hauled herself up onto her saddle and walked them around the rest of the perimeter, checking for signs of forced entrance into the farm. Esther walked Macy opposite around the perimeter so when they met back at the gate they had effectively checked it twice.

Satisfied that nothing had breached the fence, Ellie led Beardy to the fence near the farm where she hitched him up. Jogging back down the faint dirt path over to the tree where she had carved there names, it was leaning more than she recalled. She didn’t know if it was that far to the left when she first returned or if it was a new development in her time at Jackson.

Placing a hand on the wood, the rough bark bit into her palm, brittle dead wood flaking off to land at her feet. Some disease had begun to claim the tree long before they moved in, now it was truly infected. Moving her palm until it was flat against the smoothed section of tree where she had scraped enough bark off to christen the house with their initials for Dina the day they moved in Ellie traced a finger over the letters.

The night before they moved in she had been plagued with visions of Joel. Waking them both up with her screams. Dina stayed awake with her, huddled on their bed, until a ray of light sliced through the pitch-black of their room despite Ellie's insistence that Dina needed to go back to sleep, if not for her for their unborn child. Exhausted, Dina had fallen asleep in Ellie’s arms as the rode on Japan. When Dina woke her, guilt filled the hollow of her bones as she realized she’d slept through entering their new yard for the first time.

Ellie dusted her hands off on her jeans, trailing her eyes down the trunk to where the earth seemed to bow upwards. Green gray lichen crawled further up its trunk and sat at its roots. If Dina truly didn't want to return here Ellie would have to come back for their little hunk of home left out here on the farm.

Passing through the door she exhaled as she noted everything seemed pretty much the same as she left it, just with more dust, she amended as she ran a finger over the scratchy maroon fabric of the couch. Kneeling down in front of couch she drew a quick doodle of a stegosaurus in the dust of the 

Behind her Esther let out a long low whistle, that made her hair stand on it’s end. Her body shuddered reflexively and Ellie palmed her right shoulder. 

“You two ended up with some nice digs,” Esther called out from Dina’s old work room. “Too nice for my blood.” 

Ellie shook the memory of the seraphite attack out of her limbs as she stood, striding over to the room and leaned on the door way. Esther sat on the couch having already thrown the window open, letting the house breathe a little. “Spend a day muckin’ the stalls and you’d’ve been right at home.”

“Well ain’t nothing here for me to muck so, I’ll be down here enjoying this nice ray of sunshine. Holler if ya need me.” Esther gave her a wink as she tucked her head in her hands and kicked her boots up on the opposite arm of the couch.

Climbing the stairs slowly Ellie reached the landing, hand trailing up the rail until she was facing the open door to her old studio. Inhaling deeply she stepped through the doorway.

It was weird being back in her studio again. Simultaneously it felt like she had been gone for years and days. Her lowest moment preserved as if her absence was a museum exhibit. Ellie wiped a palm on the back of her leg before she walked over to the corner where all of her things had been stacked. She knelt down see what Dina had left behind. What Dina had wanted to forget.

Most of what she had gone through when she arrived had been clothing, her books, and the occasional art supply. Whatever had been left on the top was what she used, never digging into anything. When it came to the contents of the other boxes and the art in corner, Ellie had kept her eyes to the ground. Trying not to linger too long on any one piece of their shared life, for fear the sight might unearth deep buried feelings she hadn’t been ready to cope with.

She grabbed a box and plopped it down, so caught up she forgot about the heavy layer of dust that had built up on the surface of the room and everything in it her eyes began to water immediately when an army of dust bunnies attacked her face.

Coughing into the crook of her elbow she scurried over to the window let some fresh air in. She pushed her upper body outside breathing in the Wyoming spring, the tension in her body eased by the calming earthen smells of flourishing plant life.

“Well, that was fucking stupid, Ellie.” She muttered, ducking back into the room she began moving her crates of records, boxes of clothes, comics, and some various paints out from under the desk into the middle of the room.

After a few minutes, Ellie shifted the final box back, a gentle ping of metal sounded from the floor as something small hit the floor, rolling away and bouncing to a stop by the closet door. Crouching down she reached down to pick up a thin circle of metal. Inspecting it, she realized was the ring she found in the Seattle bank, with the strange inscriptions on the band. Context clues made it obvious the inscription on the inside of the band was clearly a date, fuck if she knew what the rest of it said.

Flipping it in the air she caught it and chuckled. She’d completely forgotten she pocketed the ring in the vault. Naively believing she would give it to Dina as a way to remember that first day in Seattle.

She just wanted to do something nice for Dina to thank her for everything she had done. To let her know how much Ellie loved her. How Dina made her feel scared and brave and everything in between. The ring seemed like the best gesture at the time, until she found the guitar in the music shop.

Ellie clenched her hand around the cold metal, resting her fist against her forehead, kneading at a sudden ache. That day fell apart so quickly, after they nearly died in the subway, the reveal of Ellie’s immunity and Dina’s pregnancy overshadowed the rest of the day.

“You can’t spend all day in here hiding from your past.” Ellie shoved the ring in her left pocket, maybe she could ask Ms. Katie to help her find a book to translate the inscription.

She pulled out everything tucked between the wall and her desk. Most of what she had pinned up when she lived here still remained on the walls. In the corner Dina had shoved all her framed works and some some salvaged canvas she had kept rolled up until she could make frames to stretch them onto. A crumpled piece of paper with something sketched on it fell off of one on the boxes, she stacked them behind her as she leaned under the desk to grab the ball of paper.

“What are you?” Ellie asked, pulling back only to smack her head on the underside of her desk sending various art supplies clattering all over the place.“Fuckin’ smooth.”

Clutching the back of her head, dull pain spiked where she rubbed. Grumbling she opened the paper ball to see what it was, some old sketch probably. Smoothing the paper out on her leg she realized it wasn’t something of hers.

Quickly scanning the paper her heart clenched when she realized, it was a note from Dina. Several lines had been written and crossed out, a few blotchy spots dotted the page. The note didn’t seem like something Ellie was meant to see. It was too late and even as her vision blurred it wasn’t enough to hinder her ability to read the suffering she put Dina through.

_~~We’re safe in Jackson.~~ _

_~~Not that you care, right?~~ _

~~_I hope she was fucking worth it._ ~~

~~_If you're alive to read this. Leave us alone._ ~~

_~~Fuck you. Fuck you.~~ _

_I loved you. Why wasn’t that enough?_

No heart, no loopy D to sign off with. Nothing of the Dina that she loved, who loved her. Broken words from a broken heart. Proof of the damage she had wrought.  Ellie curled in on herself, harshly raking her nails over the fabric of her shirt. Hot tear tracks ran to her top lip where they fell to the floor.  She wanted to scream, all she could manage was a silent sob.

Her whole life she felt she was on borrowed time, not realizing the people around her had been giving her more and more time to live. Dina. Joel. Tommy and Maria. Fuck if she wa s going to get honest with herself, Abby- twice. It was wasted on who she was. All it did was give her more time to hurt the people around her. 

Inhaling sharply through her nose and out her mouth, she chanted the little affirmation Dina t aught her  when she found Ellie on the floor of the RV mid panic attack a few weeks ago . “ I’m not where I want to be, I’m where I need to be.” 

Slowly the vice of emotion eased and she gasped greedily of life, the dust filled her lungs and she didn’t care, she was alive and Dina still loved her.  Tucked away on a page in her own journal was the same raw sentiment that she scrawled  over and over .  Her anger a volcanic eruption, the betrayal written and scratched out until the pages underneath it were black with ink  by the time she returned from Utah.  At some point she had stopped hating Joel, at some point she realized she never stopped loving him. Stubbornly she held her love out of his reach. 

Dina was stubborn, fierce, and strong. Not in the way Ellie was. Where  Ellie directed her energy towards hate, and self destruction. Dina pointed herself towards love and  self  acceptance. She was the only good thing this world had to offer, even after all the pain she endured Dina got up and fought. Ellie sat up, wiping snot on her sleeve, she tossed the note back  into the corn e r . Rocking  back and forth she pressed a hand into the lump on her head she came back to her studio. It wasn’t home, not without Dina. 

“You alright in here?” Ellie startled to her feet at Esther’s gentle voice. “You stopped moving around.” She awkwardly gestured around Ellie. “I thought maybe you huffed paint and passed out or whatever you kids do these days for fun.”

“Did kids really do that?” Esther hummed in the affirmative as Ellie turned back to her desk to hide her face. She picked up the dinosaur book from her trip to the museum with Joel. Flipping through the pages she stopped at the velociraptor page. She couldn’t wait until JJ was old enough for her to take him out there.

“I wanted to make a stop on the way back, if that’s cool.” Joel’s face, lighting up in the module, nervous and happy, as she came back down to earth laughing and smiling with him over his gift, burned in her mind. A complete contrast to the first time their walls broke down. Screaming at each other out of fear.

“Maria said here and back. Nothing else.” Esther’s no nonsense tone cut through her daydream. Ellie turned back, sitting on the cleared portion of her desk.

“Fine.” Mirroring Esther she crossed her arms. Folding one leg over the over she gnawed at her bottom lip, going through options in her head to get Esther to meet her half way. “What if we took a different route home? It’s technically still here and back.”

Esther’s jaw tightened as she weighed giving in versus facing Maria’s possible wrath.

“Instead of heading through the town we take the road that runs parallel to the butte. The one not too far from the river?” Ellie leaned back in her seat, tapping her foot against the top of her thigh. “The older patrol route. Took it once when I was getting medicine for Dina and JJ and the main trails had too much snow. S’got good cover. Brings us close to the gas station. Quick shot to the east gate from there.”

“What’s out there you need to see so bad you’ll risk pissin’ Maria off if she found out?” Esther stood wide with her hands on her hips, her mouth pressed into a light frown. Ellie jiggled her foot rapidly, turning her head to watch the branches of the tree out front dance in the light breeze.

“There’s a bit of a break in the treeline along that route. I’ll be able to see the first place in Jackson I had a good memory of Joel.” The words came out too honest for her liking, Ellie turned her head back when she heard Esther’s long-suffering sigh. Her shoulders dropped as she thumbed over her shoulder with a sad smile.

“Well, c’mon then, kid. We only got so much light in the day.”

Ellie took the dinosaur book for JJ, along with her original run of _Savage Starlight_ comics in her saddle packs, a few more records she was missing, Sam’s robot, and a few other knickknacks. In her back pack she tossed some brushes, a few rare paints, and her photo of Dina. Esther took a shining to a couple of landscape paintings and Ellie let her pick out two of them for herself as thanks for coming with her. Ironically the two she chose were pieces Ellie had done for Joel, even though he never got to see them.

After much debate Ellie decided to leave behind Joel’s carvings. She didn’t want to risk breaking them. Esther also wasn’t keen on overloading the horses or themselves reminding her the point of the visit was “to pick up a _few_ things, Ellie.” She would have to come back for all the rest with an actual crew. Take up Dina on her offer to come with, maybe talk about the future.

They headed out and Ellie spared one last glance at the house as she locked up. The sun had passed overhead while they were inside and now, against the blue of the sky the white of the house stood out a bit clearer. Even with the porch roof, it didn’t look as bad as it seemed hours ago.

Even slipping the key back into her chest pocket felt lighter, maybe it didn’t carry the wight it did maybe she had grown stronger. She patted the pocket with her left hand a few times to make sure it hadn't evaporated completely and kicked up onto Old Beardy’s saddle. With a few soft clicks of her tongue she spurred him back home.

\--- --- ---

They hit the ridge in two hours. In the middle of winter with many trees without leaves, she found that where she stood high above the treeline there was a straight line of sight to the place where she and Joel first really fought. The place where they stopped being strangers and started being more of a family. Still in that moment, cold and alone, she was filled with the aching desire to ride down into the house into that old room and lay down until she froze. If Dina hadn’t needed her then, she just might have.

Esther pulled out a pair of binoculars and handed them over. The large swath of land the ranch rested on, made it easy to pick out among the trees even without the aid of magnification. Peering through the eye piece, Ellie was still grateful for the gesture.

“Did Joel ever tell you I tried to run away?”

“Once.” Ellie lowered the binoculars to watch a sullen grimace pass over Esther’s face. “The night he found the note you left when you took off to Utah.”

Rotating the finder, she scanned around the area, and considered how Joel had changed since she met him. The fact he even told Esther what had happened before surprised Ellie. She figured Joel would have left without saying a damn thing to anyone.

“That was the only time I ever seen ‘im truly scared.” Esther’s voice wavered. “God, he was a fuckin’ mess. Damn near tore the hinges off the front door to get to the stables. Reckoned he was gonna get himself killed tryin’ to find you. Wouldn’t let me or Tommy go with him. You were his responsibility.”

The bitter part of her wanted to assert she was responsible for herself. To complain that he wasn’t her keeper. Accepting her love for him overwrote that, after the events of Colorado they had accepted responsibility for one another in a way. Both of them not even bothering to question it, they were in this world together come hell or high water as Joel used to put it. She already spent too much of her time letting her memories dissolved in a vat of anger in her mind. What was that song Joel used to play something about not looking back in anger?

Anger and fear led her to the ranch. A deep betrayal that she couldn’t shake. Scared that who she was caused Joel’s abandonment, souring into a rotten pit in her stomach, that everything he had told her was a lie. Every bit of praise. Every bit of trust. All of it was faked so he could hand her off the first chance he got. The same feelings that drove her to seek out answers for herself in St. Mary’s.

Despite Joel’s best intentions to work on their relationship, she’d always met him with steel and enmity. A spear in her own side. Time and distrust changed her and Ellie wished the only thing she found that day in the hospital was some kids journal, laden with day to day grievances that seemed so insipid to her in this fucked up world. That instead of finding proof of Joel’s lie, she found herself making up for scaring Joel half to death by laughing with him on the way back to Jackson. Camping and singing around a fire, just the two of them like it always had been.

Blinking away the tears that had begun to form in her eyes, Ellie readjusted the binoculars and found where there used to be an old winding road through the woods where long ago people used to live. Trailing her view to the pathway up to the ranch house which still stood despite the clear ravages of time. 

Nature had taken back the road that led up towards it, plant life exploded upwards through asphalt that had broken apart over time. Most of the telephone poles that had remain standing had fallen over or were close to falling over There were clear signs of hunter activity, most of the windows had been smashed out and boarded over. From her angle the entryway was an open black maw ready to swallow up all who entered. She could make out the door, ripped off it’s hinges, somewhere in front of the steps, where holes had been kicked through the rotten boards. Half of the porch roof had collapsed in on the porch itself, jagged beams of wood angled upwards as if reaching out for the other half that still remained intact.

Patches of black mold and green moss grew on the faded white, almost gray, paint. The years had covered the walls with layer of grime so thick it seemed the golden light of the sun couldn’t even reflect back. Coils of ivy snaked up the corners of the exterior, like the black tendrils of infection under skin. The thought tarnished her memory. Making the plant feel invasive beyond it’s nature, as though it were in her head growing over her past, infecting the memory of her fight with Joel.

_You’re not my daughter. And I sure as hell ain’t your dad. And we are going are separate way._

At one point, even after she pushed him away, Ellie truly believed that everyone would leave her but Joel... and then he was gone.

Love in this world was the hardest battle to fight. Love came with pain. Love came with risk. Love also came with the understanding that if you put yourself in a place of love, it outweighed all the pain and fear of loss. Dina was right. Riley was right. Her old man was right. If you found a love, something to live for, you fought for it until your last breath.

She understood that now, she had to lose Joel. To almost lose Dina and JJ. To almost lose her fucking self to get there. But she got it now. Her throat felt tight and she swallowed down the feeling that she wasn’t here to let herself be sad, she was here to accept that she deserved to live. She grappled with the remorse of living for so long, it would take her some time to adjust, she wouldn’t have to face the future abandoned and scared any longer.

“That big house down there,” Ellie pointed to the clearing with her left hand, while she gave Esther her binoculars who took them and brought them to her eyes, searching for the house Ellie pointed out. “is where I ran off to the first time. I overheard Joel talking about Tommy taking me to the Fireflies. I was pissed.”

“That doesn’t surprise me. Don’t take much to piss you off.” Esther said, cheekily. Putting the binoculars down.

“Fuck you.” Ellie glared at Esther who laughed in her face, giving her a playful nudge to continue.

“I stole one of Tommy’s horses. Surprised Maria let me in when we came back.”

“Hah! That woman loved you the second she met you, you could get away with most anything.”

Ellie filed that away for later. “Good to know, but yeah, Tommy and him tracked me there.” Ellie kicked a rocked over the edge, the clattering sound it made as it hit the rock face fading rapidly as it fell.

“We fought, I called him out for treating me like Sarah.” Esther raised her brows and blew out a long breath of air with an exaggerated puff of her cheeks, causing Ellie to smile. She knew Joel had grown into such a sap, but seeing he found someone he could trust in Esther endeared her to the woman even more.

“These bandits ambushed us. Joel took down like seven guys. He didn’t say shit to me on the ride back to Jackson. I still thought he was gonna abandon me like everyone else, but he didn’t. Whatever happened in there changed his mind.” Ellie took a stub in her right forefinger and thumb, running them from the base up to the nub of scar tissue. Some days she felt her hand was whole, there was part of her that felt the same way about Joel. Both were missing parts, both phantom limbs she couldn’t shake. 

“I just wanted to visit the place where someone didn’t give up on me for once in my life, but this’ll do for now.” Esther pulled Ellie into a one armed hug by her shoulder. Ellie wrapped an arm around Esther’s middle and squeezed. “Remind myself that if Joel didn’t give up on me. I shouldn’t either.”

“Joel never wanted you to miss out on more time than ya already had. He saw somethin’ in you worth investin’ in and that’s investment is still in there.”

“I don’t think it is most days. I nearly got Dina and JJ killed.” Ellie held her breath until her chest felt tight. “And Tommy… I, I don’t understand how Maria doesn’t hate me some days. He probably still hates me.”

“Maria’s a big girl an’ she loves you.” Esther paused, considering something. “Tommy misses you ya know.” The words were spoken cautiously and Ellie could feel Esther’s eyes on her. Watching her like she was some kind of baby dear she didn’t want to startle.

Sighing Ellie leaned her head on Esther’s shoulder taking solace in the familiar safety she found in the smell of warm, worn leather. “I miss him too, but I don't know how to face him. I failed him and he – he put me in a bad place.”

“I know, girl.” Esther tugged at her chin with her thumb and fore finger, exhaling heavily. “It ain’t my place to tell ya how he feels ‘bout all this. And it sure as hell ain’t my place to tell you what to do. Just know if you do decide you wanna talk to him, I’ll be there.”

Ellie pulled back as Esther shifted to place a hand on Ellie’s arm before letting it drop to her side.

“You’re a good kid. He's still a friend. Don't rightly agree with his choices, but he has kept his word.” Her gaze left Ellie’s face, back over to where the ranch house sat, her lips twitching as she blinked hard against whatever memory the present had dredged up. “The Millers’ always were men of their word.”

Ellie wrung her hands together, Millers’ didn’t always keep their word. She might not share the name, but she was a Miller- not by blood but by love. And love made you do crazy things, like go against your word to keep the people you love safe.

“Kept his word?” Ellie raised a brow, watching the bows of the trees shift back and forth in the cool breeze that had picked up.

“Shit. Pretend I said nothin’.” Shaking her head Esther grinned when she saw the way Ellie's stared, waiting for an answer. “Don’t gimme that look, I ain’t tellin’ you shit. Not my place.”

“Fine.” Ellie sighed staring at the ranch house for a few more seconds, trying to put it to memory before she walked back to the horses. “Let’s get ourselves back in time to avoid Maria coming after us.”

The road back down was cracked and winding, about half an hour in they had to detour through the woods to try and reach the next section of clear road when they discovered parts had fallen in a landslide creating a large rocky crag in the road. Not something Macy or Beardy could easily jump.

“Shit, looks like we’ll have to tell Maria this way has been compromised so we can update the maps.” Esther took a pen and her map out from an inner breast pocket to make notes to pass along.

Nodding in agreement Ellie hopped down from her saddle, jogging over to the edge and scanned around for a path way around. The slide had cut through swaths of trees leaving a slope all the way down to the forest floor. It was hard to tell if there was more damage done farther along the road, traveling through the forest might end up a quick alternative. They’d have to find a way back up, but if they stayed parallel to the road there would be a way back up at some point when the road leveled with the forest below near an old intersection this route took patrols through.

Infected migrated that would be worth the risk with the day turning long. Instead of having to travel the two hours back the way they came to travel another two possibly more through the town. The sun was already going down and if they were lucky there was about two hours of good light left. Ellie mention this to Esther who hesitantly agreed.

Reins in hand they led the horses carefully treading down, off the path into the woods. Without too much effort they made it to the bottom, the pathway remained stable enough. Drawing their guns out Ellie and Esther monitored the area for signs of infected. 

After about an hour of tense travel they stumbled across the dilapidated roof of an old well-built log cabin. For it’s moderate size it was hidden away in the forest surprisingly well, brush and trees covered the area. An outcrop of rocks curved around to block in the building the went upwards and on both sides past a thin tree line, there seemed to be a steep incline possibly back to where they needed to be. There was an air of familiarity around the place, but she rarely ran this route on patrols. 

“Mark this on the map. I’m going to check inside real quick.” Ellie could handle a quick investigative look, maybe find some supplies. After all they were here already weren’t they. An old stubbornness rose in her and she had to address it. Traveling with Joel had taught her that a place like this, on it’s own, left unchecked, could be the most dangerous.

"Ellie." Esther warned.

“It’ll take two seconds.” Ellie was already off her horse heading towards the house. Her pistol already held out in front of her, her thumb flicking the safety off.

Twisting the cool metal of the doorknob it fell apart, a soft clatter of metal on wood sounded behind the door and Ellie tossed her half over her shoulder. There was a hole now where the knob had been enough to get her fingers in and push. The door didn’t give easily the wood had swelled with the recent rainfall and it stuck. She kept her hand where it was, slamming her shoulder against the door. It creaked as it gave a little and she she rammed against it a second time.

The door swung open and she stopped it from crashing into the wall as she leveled her gun in front of her. Sweeping the front room, there was a small living room with a bunch of faded and moldy almanacs laid out on the table in front of a couch that was more a loosely piled connection of wood and fabric than furniture. The floor creaked and groaned under each step. A few floorboards felt so rotted her foot would have gone straight through if she hadn’t been stepping carefully. Crouching she listened for signs movement, the only sounds was the creak of the old wood as the winds blew outside.

Content enough, Ellie set about searching the rooms. In the back corner of the living room she found a gray metal desk covered in work tools and an old cassette player. The back of the cassette play fell off when she picked it up, everything seemed to be there. Dina might enjoy the challenge of fixing it, if not she could scrap it for parts. She grabbed a few extra tools along with a box of nails, and shoved everything in the front of her pack careful not to ruin the cover of her comics.

The kitchen area was covered with black mold, hardly sparing a few clear spots. Ellie managed to find a few steak knives which she wrapped up with the few acceptable rags she discovered tucked into the back of a cabinet. The bathroom yielded a questionable bottle of aspirin. The box itself moldy and Ellie picked around it to reveal a fresh, untouched bottle of pills. Well, fresh for the apocalypse.

Down a short hallway Ellie was faced with two doors, the one on the left refused to budge even when she threw her full weight into breaking the door. Whatever was behind there wasn’t alive and it wasn’t going to kill her.

Turning the knob on the right she stumbled into what once was kids bedroom. An old twin bed shaped like a car sat in the middle of the room. Painted on the walls was an old racetrack, several different colored cars with numbers on them were placed in different spots on the mural. Joel mentioned hundreds of people would show up in the Texas heat to watch thirty guys drive in a circle.

She followed the track until a large blackened splatter covered the finish line. The faint outline of a checkered fled bled through and Ellie moved to the other side of the bed discovering an adult sized skeleton, clothes falling off it’s frame with a sawed off shotgun in its hands. A second adult sized skeleton lay at the toes of the first, the skull in fragments. Ellie inhaled through her nose when she saw a small skeleton wrapped in it’s arms.

They had died alone in these woods with no one around to even know what happened to them.

Ellie heard a muffled shout through the walls and she jolted back to herself, her hands were shaking and she took several deep breaths before she moved towards the window, stepping over the corpses on the floor she jimmied the window up and threw her leg out, her boot slipping on the wet, moss covered wood.

Straddling the sill, Ellie spared one last look at the family before slipping out onto the wet, decaying leaves that had piled behind the cabin. As quietly as she could Ellie began walking the length of the back of the cabin, which was built tight up next to the rock face, giving her little room to work with if a something was wrong.

When she reached the front of the house she noticed immediately something was off. Esther wasn’t on Macy. In fact neither Macy nor Old Beardy were where she left them. It wasn’t like Esther to just wander off while Ellie cleared a house. Tucking against the wall, Ellie carefully peeked around the corner where about twenty feet away towards the back of the house she heard a man’s low voice growl out some order, catching the glimpse of a man yelling at the horses to settle as they whinnied loudly in a panic. Ducking back behind the house Ellie felt her stomach drop out her toes.

Fucking hunters found them.

Fear reached it’s hand around the base of her skull wrapping itself around her spine. The fine hairs on her arms rose, her body seizing. Ellie grit her jaw against the rushing fire of adrenaline underneath her skin until it hit her face, burning away the decomposed detritus that was months of living with her guard down to reveal the primal part of her that was friendly with the cost of survival. Her brain went into over drive as she leaned carefully back around the corner of the house to figure out how the fuck she’d get Esther out of this alive.

There were three men she could see. One of them with mottled skin and thinning blonde hair held Esther with her arms behind her back, a stream of blood dripping from her temple. A bald man paced in front of her waving a gun around as he interrogated her. A third man with greasy hair held Beardy and Macy’s reins in his hands, his back to her. Deep blossoms of red decorated the light denim vest he wore, she could barely make out the tip of a machete held out in front of him. He held it upwards which might be useful if she could get to him.

“Alright, bitch. One more time, who the fuck is out here with you?”

“It’s just me now, I was running supplies. Lost my crew to a pack of clickers.” Esther’s voice was hard, her eyes never left the man in front of her.

“You look awful put together for someone who fought a pack of clickers.” Ellie watched as the man with the bald head knelt in front of Esther tipping her head up with barrel of his revolver. “Strange you took a second horse with ya, but left your mates to die.” He stood and faced the house, “Tell me how many I’m lookin’ for and I’ll make sure you die last.”

“There ain’t no one here but you, me, and these four dip shits.” Esther groaned out as the man behind her twisted up her arm with an unamused grunt. A grimace of pain flashed on her face before she turned it in to a wicked grin. “Easy on the foreplay there big guy, gotta woo me a little first.” The man kicked at her back and she swore.

Four dipshits plus a leader, five total. Ellie weighed her options, there were two more hunters somewhere and she couldn’t risk Esther. And unfamiliar rush of fear gripped her, halted her movements weighed her chest down and made her doubt her capabilities. She hadn't hunted or killed anything let alone humans since she returned to Jackson. The hamsa on her wrist caught her attention and she took a few quite steadying breaths she found herself wishing she had a bow or something a little more stealthy for the situation. Joel’s pistol was only a comforting weight on her back. If she could take these two out and get to Esther quick enough they might stand a chance if this assholes had back up lurking.

A quick survey of her immediate area turned up a few pebbles and a loose brick. She aimed the handful of pebbles high onto the roof of the building just above where the third man stood. A couple cascaded down bouncing off his head and shoulders.

“The fuck was that?” The man with a machete whipped around panic cracked his voice as he frantically searched for the cause.

“Probably a fuckin’ squirrel.” The bald man dismissed. Satisfied that both men were distracted enough Ellie quickly went prone, crawling from the side of the house and down into a thicker covering of brush along the edge of the clearing. When she found a break in to bush for her to hide through she took the brick and lobbed it a few feet away from her, rustling the leaves enough to garner the men’s attention.

“Go check it out. You.” The bald man pointed his gun at the machete man and then towards where the rock had landed before turning to Esther with a sneer. “If there is someone out here and you lied to me, I’ll cut your fucking tongue out myself.”

The man with the machete turned to face where she had thrown the brick. Even with a strange, bird-like tattoo on his face he was remarkably young for a hunter, somewhere around her own age, possibly even younger. Most of the ones they’d run into around Jackson were old and hardened survivalists. They must be recruiting from somewhere.

The younger man walked over to where she was, he held out the machete in front of him a way that reminded her of the kids in Jackson when they fought with sticks. Loosely gripped with his arm all out of alignment instead of tucked closer to his body until the danger was confirmed and assessed. Clearly untrained and unused to handling a weapon, survival was a game to children before it was a necessity.

When his arm was fully past her hiding spot she wrapped her arm around his neck, pulling him into the point of her knife and cupping a hand over his mouth she slit his throat. Grimacing against the hot spurt of blood that covered her hand, his machete dropped from his hand, the blade clanging off a rock.

Watching as the machete bounced into a pool of the man’s blood she squeezed her eyes shut dragging his dead weight further out of sight. A wave of panic made her pause, her lungs couldn’t take in any air and the man in her arms felt as if he was made of stone. Her ears rumbled and she looked to the hamsa on her wrist- the only thing she could think of to stop the attack.

In her minds eye she envisioned Dina holding JJ in her arms, both laughing heartily, their matching smiles big and whole flashed on the back of her eyelids. Ellie swallowed down the excess spit that had collected in the back of her throat. For them she would fight. For them she would live. They were her home. And fuck anyone who tried to stop her from getting back to them.

Clenching her teeth together she centered herself and opened her eyes, snatching the machete off the ground she crouched and moved slowly around the other side of the bushes staying hidden and low until she saw Esther. The woman was slowly positioning her back foot while her captor was distracted.

The bald man had moved to inspect the area where the young man had been from his spot in front of Esther, clearly spooked, his voice shook as he spoke.

“Jason. What the fuck was with that noise, huh?” He took a few steps towards where he last saw the kid. Between where he stood and she hid, the door knob she tossed on the ground sat on top of a small pile of detritus. “Say something you little fuckwit. Quit playin’ your stupid games.”

Finally Esther locked eyes with Ellie, and barked out a harsh chuckle that startled the man holding her. There was a moment between them that lasted seconds or minutes but it was enough to get the message across. Esther dropped her weight forward forcing the man holding her to readjust, losing his grip enough for Esther to stand quickly smashing her head into his jaw with a sickening crunch. The retort of a gun sounded as the bald man leveled his pistol back towards Esther. Spooked, both horses bolted heading towards the incline they disappeared into the woods, startling the bald man.

Ellie rushed forward, scooping up the door knob, the bald man turned to face her with a look of shock. Fumbling, he brought his gun up, pulling back the hammer Ellie hurled the door knob into his face as hard as she could. He fired a round off into the woods somewhere off to her left as he clutched his face.

Ellie crashed into him. Knocking him off balance she swung the stolen machete until it stopped two-thirds of the way through his skull. The top half of his ear falling off the blade and onto the ground as she tried to wedge the machete back and forth to release it. Wet suction held the weapon tightly in place.

“Fucker.” She spat out shoving his dead weight away from her. Breathing heavily she turned to face Esther only to watch one man fall at her feet a large pale skinned man charge her from the forest line. Before she could alert Esther and pull her gun out of her belt, she felt the air leave her lungs as she was tackled bodily to the ground.

Her face scraped along fallen branches and dead leaves, made slippery by the bald man’s blood. Her eyes were smeared in grit and blood in the process. Managing to roll with the force of her fall, she wedged her knife out of her pocket and drove it into her assailants thigh. The blade sunk in an inch and she heard a man’s sharp yell of pain before she found herself acquainted with several rings on the his fist. Her world thrown off it’s tilt as she took a knee to steady herself, quickly adapting to the blossom of pain that sprung up in her head, like fungus on a clicker’s head.

“Look at this one, Carl. Young n’ lively. Missin’ a few fingers, but that’s less work later on.” The man boasted above her in a deep gravelly tone, she couldn’t see his face clearly but she bet he looked like an asshole. The mans shadowy figure bent down and picked something off of the ground. There was a hiss of pain followed by her head being snapped to the side by the force of something round and solid against her temple.

Slumping over a fraction she clenched her eyes shut against the bursts of color popping off on the inside of her head. She worked her jaw from side to side. None too pleased with the way it clicked as rough hands grabbed her shoulders and she felt her pack straps being cut from her back with her own knife. “You’re lucky actually we could use someone like you. You’re gonna wish you were dead.”

Hunters operated with loose morals no real leadership, just a group held together by the fucked up desires they were denied before the outbreak and a figurehead to hide behind. They justified their brutality with the same mindset that their cruelty was the way of the world now.

These guys weren’t just Hunters they were primal the type of fucks like the Rattlers she met in Santa Barbara. Like David and his ilk. It was a twisted Russian roulette running into them. Did they want to kill, rape, or torture their victims today?

She’d seen animals behave more humanely than these fuckers.

They were merely infected with slightly higher brain function. She couldn't reason with them so much as she could fuck their day up. The fact that they hadn't killed the two of them gave her an idea as to what they were looking for out of this and since kill was off the table to two options in the chamber were ones she could work with.

Pushing herself up, the high crack of a revolver went off next to her ear. Her perfectly normal and fine sense of hearing quickly replaced by a high, piercing whining tone. She grimaced as she felt a trickle of blood ooze down her cheek, her face split open from pressure of the muzzle blast and she couldn’t feel it through the white hot rage that filled her body. This bloater grundle of a man was really starting to piss her off.

“You stupid asshole! You’re gonna alert all the infected in the fucking world.” Ellie’s vision cleared enough to see the man had shaved half his head as he leered down at her.

“Clickers are the least of your worries right now, girly.”

Longer brown hair fell to his right shoulder, and when he stepped closer she realized the left side of his head wasn’t shaved, it was covered in a large burn. His pupil a milky gray blue dot in a recessed socket surrounded by pocked flesh that dipped into deep white gouges with pink and red ridges that reminded her of a huge rock formation she found in the desert.

This asshole, she realized, was about as close to infected as a person could get without a bite.

The man kicked out her legs, turning her onto her back, and placed the revolver on her forehead, the muzzle still hot. Pulling back the hammer, he tucked her knife into the pocket of his vest with a sick flourish. He grinned wickedly and she realized with disgust his teeth had been sharpened into points.

Forcefully he gripped Ellie’s chin. Shoving her head around as he inspected her face. “We could use two females like you. Boys have been getting a little rowdy since we lost our last toys.” He holstered his gun as he pushed her onto her back.

“Hey now, you better listen to him.” Esther managed from her spot on the ground. The pale man holding her down by her shoulders, pressed down hard enough to make her gasp out.

“I’ll think about it.” Ellie called after her. If she could keep them focused on her for the time being maybe they could figure an escape out.

A hand twisted in her hair as the sharp-toothed man gripped harshly enough for her to feel the bite of a few hairs being pulled out as he pressed her head down into the dirt. Leaning his full weight onto the hand holding her down, the pressure against the uneven ground made her head swim. “You’ll think about it huh?”

“Maybe.” The force of the word as it left her lungs kicked dust up into her eye as the hunter shoved her face further down into the dirt, fragments of rock digging into her new wound. “You shouldn’t have fired a _fucking gun_ right by my ear if you wanted me to listen.”

A gruff laugh behind her preceded another sharp yank on her hair as the man brought her face to his. Something rotten in his mouth threatened to make her vomit as his fetid breath curled her lip in disgust.

“Dude, did you eat out a bloater?” Ellie taunted.

He snarled at her eyes flashing with anger and she laughed. His grip slackened a fraction giving Ellie and opening. She leaned back and rammed her forehead into the bridge of his nose, feeling the cartilage snap more than she heard it. Blood gushing violently over his face, warming her chin.

He reeled back with a howl and punched her to the ground, the shock of it forcing her to chuckle as he kicked her ribs. Ellie curled up into a ball on her side, using her arms to block her face. When he finally stopped she rolled over onto her arms and knees laughing manically between gasping breaths.

The man leaned closer holding his nose for a second before he spat more blood on her face.“You cunt! What the fuck is so god damn funny?”

“You look much better with your face bashed in.” Ellie tried to point at her own face to show him where she made improvements. She was interrupted by a flare of pain as his boot collided into her chest. She spat blood out at his feet as he kicked her onto her back.

“Oh a comedian, huh?” Roughly undoing his belt, to shuck down his pants. His face red from his blood and his anger. “I oughta fuck you right here. Teach you how to respect your new master.”

“Sorry, dude.” Ellie bared her teeth at him, blood oozing out of the spaces between her teeth. His anger grew at her lack of fear and she knew this would be over soon. “Not my type.”

As he reached for her, she lunged upward. Grabbing the pistol still dangling off his belt in it’s holster and fired a round into his leg. He screeched. Idiot hadn’t disengaged the hammer. Basic gun safety, they taught that to six year old kids in the QZ.

She wrenched the revolver out and cocked the hammer again. Rewarded with nothing but the hollow click of an empty chamber she bashed the side pistol handle off the side of his skull and juked around him, pulling his head in a choke hold, his pathetic begging turned to hot puffs of air in her ear.

Ending his life was a mercy to humanity. Ellie’s lips curled in displeasure, her jaw clicked as she clenched her teeth, breathing heavily out her nose, she pulled her arm towards herself until she felt his neck give with a snap. Behind her the sounds of a scuffle broke out. Checking on Esther she watched the woman pin the man’s neck against the ground with her forearm.

“Fucker.” She muttered at the body at her feet. Rifling though his jacket she took back her knife and felt her heart stop when she saw the last man rising to stand over Esther, who struggled to get up off the ground. Both of them covered in so much blood it was hard to discern whose blood it was.

A loud scream pierced the air and Ellie froze, watching as several infected charged out from the brush line on the other side of the house. Blocking her pack. Her pistol and the rest of her weapons sat even further out of reach. There was no way she could grab something _and_ save Esther without getting swarmed.

“Oh! Fuck me.” One thing Ellie missed about cities was the availability of resources she could use to defend herself. Out here bags of sugar went towards feeding people not exploding them, bullets and knives were the norm. You had to make due with what you had and what Ellie had was a knife and a very unfortunate hunter.

Ellie shot forward, as the man raised his gun to Esther’s head, she wrapped her arms around his, and with all the strength she could muster she twisted them around sending him stumbling towards the oncoming group of infected. They swarmed him tearing into his neck, his screams of terror cut off with a wet gurgle as a runner separated his throat from the rest of him in one swift motion.

He was survived by the gun he had dropped at her feet, pocketing her knife she picked the gun up wheeling around to see a clicker approaching an unsteady Esther. Swearing Ellie hefted the pistol in her hand, pulling the trigger the gun clicked over and over, fucking empty.

With a frustrated shout, Ellie strafed into the clickers range. “Does no one load their god damn gun!?”

Her holler drew the attention of the clicker towards her as she chucked the gun at the bright yellow pulp that covered it’s face. The clicker reeled back as she managed to stall it’s advancing steps long enough for her to dart closer and get up under its chest, tackling it away from Esther.

“Ellie don’t be fucking stupid!” The older woman shouted as her rifle ejected it’s final casing as another clicker’s head exploded in a violent spray a few yards off of Ellie’s left. Ellie wrestled her hands away from the clickers mouth, close finger proximity to teeth was a lesson she only needed to learn once.

Bracing her forearm along the clickers throat, Ellie pulled out her knife and sunk the tip into the fleshy pulp with a pop, before ripping the blade out and slitting its throat. The creature made a gasping croak as it choked on its own blood, the last sound it made before she dropped it and ran to Esther’s side.

Her boots scraped along the forest floor as she stopped her momentum next to the taller woman whirling around to see there were six frenzied infected and a clicker shambling towards them. Esther pulled a small revolver out of the front of her waist band with a wince, she fell to the side as she tried to step forward. Her leg buckled slightly, the sounds of a pack of runners rapidly grew closer alerted by the sounds of gunfire and screaming. 

“Too late for that, can you walk?” Dipping herself under Esther’s arms Ellie sighed with relief when she realized the woman could hold up some of her own weight. Grabbing the empty rifle she directed them towards the house. Esther stumbled and she slowed.

“Get out of here, Ellie.” Esther’s voice was hard, and she grit her teeth. “Leave me.”

“Fuck no, you’re not dying out here.” Ellie ground out harshly. “Can you make it to the house?” Esther scanned her face hard, and nodded. “Then let’s fucking go.”

Esther picked a few runners off with the remainder of her bullets. It was obvious they were out numbered, even if they barricaded the rotten old door in time it wouldn’t hold long. If one of them was going to make it out of this stupid situation it was Esther, she wouldn’t have even been in danger if it weren’t for Ellie’s reckless detour.

They managed up the stairs, knocking against each other on the railings of the short steps. Ellie brightly aware of the sound of infected on their heels. She could survive a bite or two. Esther would have to forgive her little lie. Shoving Esther into the house as they hit the top step the older woman stumbled inside with a cry of pain.

“Block the door and don’t open it until it’s quiet!” Ellie shouted as she stuffed her fingers into the hole where the doorknob once sat and wrenched the door closed, satisfied when the swell of the wood felt tight in the doorjamb she shoved the empty rifle barrel in the hole and the stock between two slats in the railing. Giving it a test it held and she hoped it might be enough to buy Esther time.

Ignoring the pleading shouts for her to get inside, Ellie whirled around to catch the shoulders of the infected that reached her first. One grayed pupil darted in its socket, the runners cornea red with blood, focused keenly on her while the other had been split open through the iris by a large shoot of fungi. She slit it’s throat and pushed it into the horde. Leaping over the railing Ellie ran opposite from the house. Her head pounded in time with her heart and the edges of her vision started to thin. The rest of the pack broke toward her and Ellie frantically searched for an out. Somewhere she could draw them away from Esther.

Tommy once joked, when the two of them had been herding a particularly large horde away from Jackson, that infected preferred meals on wheels whatever that had meant, nearly forgetting he ended that statement with an obtuse, “Look, I just know that if they have a movin’ target or a target they can’t get to they’re gonna go after the one that’s runnin’.”

There was an incline off to her right, not steep enough it could stop them, if she was lucky it would be enough to give her a few seconds to think.

Clumps of dirt dug underneath the bed of her fingernails and the muscles in her legs burned as she clawed her way up the incline. Cresting the top she rolled just in time to avoid a small clicker lunging towards her middle.

Shock threatened to lock her limbs when she noticed, it came up to her chest and she hissed out a broken curse as she caught it around the neck, pulling it into a choke hold. The child clicker gnashed it’s teeth at her. There weren’t many children that made it to this stage of infected- Sam’s face exploded on the back of her eyelids and she flinched. Swallowing hard against the rising bile in her throat, Ellie wondered if her cowardice doomed Riley to this fate. Ellie kept her eyes open as she drove the tip of her blade into the top if it’s head.

Water brash coated her throat as her son’s face flashed to the front of her mind as the small clicker shuddered in her arms, what was left of the life draining from it’s limbs. Her knife gave a nauseating squelch as she removed it from the crown of fungal plates. The metallic tang on her tongue was enough to keep her from chasing that thread of thought. Now wasn’t the best time to dwell on her biggest fear.

“JJ is safe.” She panted, as the screams of the infected became less distant. “You’re fucked if you don’t think of something."

Frantically she scanned the area for something, anything that could get her out of this. Ellie practically stopped breath when, in the golden fire of the dying day, she saw a thin flash of light. She followed it to a patch of overgrown grass, in the back Ellie barely made out a faded sign of a foot with an explosion underneath next to a tan plastic box of unknown explosive materials, one she missed triggering by sheer luck.

Hope surged within her and Ellie cried out to get their attention. Runners hurtled towards her and she shoved the tiny clickers body forward as they reached the top of the incline. There was a moment where everything hung in the air, Ellie backpedaled away from the situation as the first explosion hit, as she scrabbled over rocks and loose dirt she managed to feel the heat of the explosion as she fell into a fallen cairn. The kind that Jackson patrols used to mark points on a route. They ended up near the main road, the gas station wasn’t too far off.

Ellie’s eyes struggled to focus as she watched a mist of blood that was once a small pack of infected shot into the air, plumes of red exploded outward and settled into a gentle fall towards the earth. Reminding her of the smoke from the fireworks FEDRA used to launch a week after her birthday when she was little.

Ellie’s whooping laugh of relief turned into a ragged cough as she clutched her side. A sharp pain dropped her to her knees from the burn of it. She definitely had a few broken ribs. Staggering upright, Ellie shuffled as far as her legs would take her. Dina and her brilliant mind fucking saved her sorry ass. She fucking loved that woman and she was going to make it home to say it until she had no more breath in her lungs.

Raising her eyes to survey the damage she cursed when she saw half a dozen more infected shamble down hill towards her from the other side of the trail.

“Fuckin’ really!?” She gasped, picking up the smallest rock from the fallen cairn in her hands, barely larger then a brick. The light of the fading sun caught on a thread of wire on the other side of the road. The way it gleamed somehow amplified by the rush of adrenaline making it’s way through her blood. To her it might as well have been a god damn beacon shining in her face.

Around her everything attenuated down to the thin line of gold, carefully threaded by the same gentle hand that led Ellie towards the light, away from aphotic maw that yawned wide inside her mind before she could get too close for it to snap down on her head.

Faintly aware of some shouting over the high ringing in her ears, off somewhere far away, Ellie forced herself to focus. Her eyes throbbed in their sockets from the strain. Four of the infected ran past the wire, as the other two caught up she used the last of her strength to lob the rock at the wire. The exertion bleeding out the last of her energy, she had no time to run if she missed. The best she could manage was to shuffle a few yards back not out of range entirely but far enough she might have a chance to get up if no more infected survived.

She didn’t have answers for Joel, she still hadn't lived. In a world like this was that even an option? Could anyone truly live among the decay? Their conversation in the woods seemed so fucking pointless now.

Ellie gripped a hand over the bracelet on her wrist and prayed for the first time in her life. Prayed that if her luck had run out here, Dina could forgive her.

That JJ would never remember her.

That these last months of her life hadn’t been a burden on Maria.

That Esther was safe and her stupid choice hadn’t damned her to death.

That if somehow she got another chance, she’d do it all again if it meant she got these last several months back in Jackson.

She’d give herself up a thousand times over even if she knew this was how it ended. If it meant she got more time with the people she loved. Ellie thought of Joel, how resolutely he spoke the same words in the hazy light of the back porch. Spoken as if he knew it would all come crashing down in less than a day. All because if she loved him, could forgive him still; there was no way he would change a god damn thing.

In her heart, Ellie knew no one was listening, it didn’t stop Dina from being right about the nature of prayer, there was calm to be found in the practice of it. She should have taken the moments they prayed in the farm together more seriously.

Lamely she wondered if her current acceptance had more to do with the fact that in this moment she wanted to feel close to the only person in this world besides Joel that ever felt like home to her, than it did for any sort of pious begging for forgiveness. The only person she wanted to forgive her had started to and that was enough.

She found comfort in knowing that for all she was supposed to be to this world, in the end she was as disposable to the universe as everyone else. Around her the screams of the infected rose high above the tinny clamor in her ears and for all her prayers, she found the strength to move. The hairs on her arms raised as time caught up to her and the rock hit it’s target setting off a sequence of smaller explosions. Eviscerating the infected completely, the last of them turned to mist.

A small concussive blast hit Ellie as the explosions rocked the trail shaking the mountainside with the force. Throwing her backwards down towards the ditch she crawled out of at the last second, heat licked the backs of her thighs. There was a punch of shrapnel burning along her side. Sharp pain erupted against the side of her head. There was a flash of blinding white light, someone, a man, screamed her name. She swore she heard the faint pops of distant gunfire their sounds echoed in the air and faded away just as quickly. Ellie couldn’t tell if the sounds were real or imagined, deciding it didn’t really matter anymore as her world plunged into darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this 
> 
> Little behind the scenes.
> 
> Dina absolutely had a top joke she held back because Ellie was being honest and real about her trauma.
> 
> On a more serious note. I was still shook when I started writing this sucker and when I misunderstood Dina's line about Talia, I thought she was alive. I saw her as this excellent foil for the addiction analogy of the game and how it affects those the people who love someone fighting addiction when they reject the help community and they don't want to get better. Because you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. 
> 
> So where Ellie was consumed anger and guilt. Talia couldn't settle down because she let her fear and guilt consume her. I see a lot of misguided information put pressure on the friends and family of addicts to either abandon them or hurt themselves trying to fix the person. I wanted to show the how that might manifest in Dina by seeing someone else she loves fall to the the same kind of disease and all the hurt and helplessness that might come with it. Exploring how you need to protect yourself but give the person time to understand and overcome if that is what they choose to do.
> 
> This chapter was the most challenging by far and I really hoped you enjoyed it. Lemme know what'cha think.
> 
> We're close to the end now. Two chapters and and epilogue. Holy fuck. 
> 
> UP NEXT: reconciling the past, accepting the present, and looking towards the future
> 
> If you wanna yell at me about this story or TLOU in general i'm on tumblr @ [ dissonantdreamer](https://dissonantdreamer.tumblr.com)


	11. I'm Going There To See My Father, No More To Roam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As darkness bears down on her, Ellie has a near life experience.

Ellie opened her eyes, closed them and repeated the process several times, yet the world around her remained dark. Unease bled into her thoughts. Her brain was informing her she was blinking, yet the wooded trail she had been on mere seconds ago had vanished completely leaving no trace behind.  Her brain whirled as it tried to process information that did not exist.

She put a hand in front of her face, or at least tried, it was hard to tell if she did. Fear lanced her chest as her body helplessly prepared itself to fight an enemy which refused to take form. On more than one occasion she could imagine her hand in the pitch black, see the outline where her fingers had been severed; a trick her mind played to give her a physical sense of her body where there was none. 

Blindly, desperately, Ellie began to search around with her hands in front of her. In a vain attempt to ascertain her surroundings, she sought a wall or other solid structure, anything to give her some semblance of perspective. Anything to anchor herself to in this nothing. The more she searched the more her mind began to understand there were no walls, there were no floors, or ceilings. In complete annihilation, she existed. No one was coming to save her. The pit of her stomach dropped at the realization she was completely, utterly alone. The familiar coil of shivering parallelization steadily twining its way around her limbs took hold of her. 

She struggled to make sense of the dark surrounding her and the more she fought the more the darkness around her began to close in. Ellie couldn’t discern if she was standing or swimming through waters dark and deep. Couldn’t tell if she was breathing and as fear made its home in her chest she tried to scream. If any sound came out it was swallowed by the shear volume of darkness around her or she had been rendered deaf and blind. 

Here, Ellie felt certain she no longer had a body. As if to answer her unspoken question to the affirmative, the oppressive darkness grew, vast and overwhelming, encroaching upon her what little of her essence was left. There was nothing to feel, nothing to see, nothing to touch, or taste, or hear.  All sense was stripped away and with them went any sense of physical self. All Ellie was left with was her thoughts.

Without light, her shape, her person, dissipated and she lost herself to the darkness. There was no warmth, no cold in this new world. Nothing to love. Nothing to fight for. The fear that gripped her upon waking no longer concerned her. Ellie found herself content to merge with the nothingness until she was as much apart of it as it was apart of her.

Giving up and giving in felt nice, easy. There was nothing left for her, right? No more pain, no more hurt. She couldn’t fight what couldn’t be seen. So why try?

Fuck it.

As she let go and the darkness began to envelop her, Ellie heard a noise low from somewhere deep within her. With the last of her energy she listened for the source. In the darkness she heard him, screaming, wailing for her in his final moments. Her name a curse on Joel’s lips. That wasn’t right, he had died loving her. She knew he did. The moment life drained from his eyes, with the final spurt of blood from his head, Ellie knew he loved her. She was never a curse to him.

Again from within her came another shout, a yell. Clear as day it was her own voice shouting. There and gone again. More voices came forward, trying to communicate with her. Whispers from somewhere inside her head came quietly, gently weaving around each other as if they were threads in a tapestry. Without warning, all at once they spoke: Each voice clambering over the others to be heard. Ellie heard them varying pitches and tones, some harsh and grating, others quiet and gentle. Until it was as if the words were spoken in a language she could not understand, the speakers too quick to parse.

Shaking her head did nothing to clear her mind, the noise rose higher and higher reaching a din that blocked out her thoughts and she screamed. The first external noise she could hear. She screamed his name, screamed her sorrow until blood burst from her mouth dripping down her torso to splatter a violent red across the darkness below her. The first color she could comprehend, staggering in it’s brilliance.

In seconds the quiet pattering of her blood picked up in intensity as more spewed forth, creating a river which began carving the darkness in half. Bathing her vision from the ground up in a red light, a flare burning bright in the darkness. Before her a deeply wooded area once hidden in darkness began to reveal itself in the light that poured from her mouth. Warm gush after vile, coppery, warm gush of blood wormed up her throat in thick burbling fits.

Over the noise of voices and her own heaving. There amidst the din, Ellie heard her name again, a broken whisper on the wind. Ellie felt wet blood on her shirt and clung to the sensation of it seeping into her skin as a drowning sailor would to a life saver.

Without warning everything ceased. The blood slowed to a drip and she spat on the red covered grass in front of her. The tip of a well worn brown boot wrapped in frayed gray duct tape stepped into her peripheral, sinking a few centimeters into the blood soaked ground with a squelch.

Her eyes shot up to see Joel standing in front of her, hand extended. Something anomalous with Joel’s reach discomforted her, and she watched it ripple – shifting and fluttering – alive in a way skin was not supposed to be.

He took another step closer and her eyes went wide when she registered his skin was composed of the numerous wings of hundreds of moths. Behind him the blood had formed a river between two great rusted riverbeds, it ran deep and wide. A red smear at the bottom of stairs.

Beside her a long pale hand fluttered into view and pointed into the distance, "You see that deer, kiddo?" the voice registered not in Joel's deep Texan accent but in the buzzing of cicada song in the summer reverberated in her head. Between two bushes under a bright spotlight she saw a still white-tailed deer, circled by wolves – the stuffed ones from the museum. She swallowed and nodded.

“Take a deep breath.” The simulacrum of Joel buzzed and shoved her into the river of blood, her torso hitting the surface with enough force to make a slapping sound. Flailing, Ellie immediately slipped into an undertow.  
  
The blood rushed faster than the waters of a sunken Seattle, her eyes burned as she opened them and tried to see. Futility she threw her hands out to orient herself finding the effort was impossible to do when all she saw was red. Her body ricocheted off solid riverbed before being slammed something wide and flat, instinctively she curled around herself her mouth opened in a scream, silent.

The blood reversed its flow, as quickly as it had left her mouth it returned, leaving nothing but an endless deep blue-gray ocean. The piercing tone had died down to nothing and she once again was the only person in her head. She could hear herself think, her thoughts reaching no further than a primal panic. Her thoughts may have been incoherent but what she perceived in front of her.

Below her in the water dark blue she could see the shadows bending and circling. Above her was a right shifting light. Deep from within the darkness came a low echoing howl. Louder than wind and water clashing against broken shorelines.

Above her on the edge of her vision she saw a pale white dot, the sight of it made her feel as if she was the Voyager seeing earth from the rings of Saturn. Small and insignificant, that her actions weren’t even a drop in the cosmic bucket. The distance between was unfathomable.

The longer she strained to stare at it, she realized it was expanding before her, as it approached or rather she approached it. Her body on autopilot this whole time, moving her forward. The light formed a rectangle in the darkness, a doorway almost. In the center was a dark mass the size of a person, and when she grew close enough the shadow took Ellie’s eyes widened as it took form, one she knew intimately. Someone she had lost but never forgotten.

The form, a head shorter than Ellie, turned to greet her. Ellie held her hand out towards them, two pinpricks of familiar green flashed, the light exploding outwards to reveal new forms. Many tiny forms flitting and fluttering in front of her eyes. Hope filled her for the first time since she could remember. Ellie kicked hard pushing herself through the water until the brine of it burned her eyes and her lungs protested.

_Ellie! Ellie I got you! Stay with me!_

Her name was being called, screamed? It was so hard to tell when the world was muffled in the way it did when Joel made her sink to the bottom of the lake to get comfortable with the encroaching pressure of being underwater during their swimming lessons. Her head felt like someone shoved a pillow on it, muddling the world. Ellie couldn’t remember why anyone should be calling her name. Someone shouted her name again, this time sounding more frantic and panicked.

Dina? No, it was too deep? Ellie turned and she was no longer underwater, instead standing on the ridge that overlooked Jackson where she and Joel first approached the strange town where she would meet the only person that felt like home. Looking down, her left hand was whole and she was wearing a red flannel and that wasn’t right, something happened. She didn’t own that flannel anymore. She scrubbed her face trying to remember and a hand fell heavy onto her shoulder startling her. Joel’s visage seemed to have been lifted directly from the pages of her journal, his eyes absent on his face as he faced her and spoke;

“I swear.”

Squeezing her eyes tight, Ellie counted to ten before opening them, hoping it would be enough time for whatever this was to pass. When she finally took in her surrounding she found they were in a completely new area. Glancing down, she was dressed in a ratty tank top and cargo pants. Joel still next to her, his face remained completely shadowed. A dark absence in her memory. The new terrain was familiar, the lake near Jackson where she had learned how to swim. With a start, Ellie tried to pull away and found she was rooted to the spot by Joel’s hand on her shoulder.

“You give anyone else this much grief?”

Hundreds, thousands of moths exploded from his mouth, surrounding her. Ellie shook her head trying to comprehend what was happening.

“C’mon, stay with me, kid.” The voice again is deep and frantic. The moths jostled her, a violent ebb and flow against the edges of reality and this plane.

“Joel?” Her voice broke the silence, and she was drowning again. Moths rushed into her lungs, she choked and spluttered as she drowned in the swarm. Flailing out she realized the moths dispersed around her, vanishing and reforming behind her. Seams of light visible just beyond their wings. She clenched her fists and took a long low breath to calm herself. Her vision began to tunnel and with one final kick she breached the surface into the light.

Opening her eyes to face the swarm, Ellie was alone, treading water in front of the museum Joel had taken her to for her sixteenth birthday. Ellie hauled herself out of the water, gasping for breath on the steps. The liquid uncannily viscous, leaving her feeling as though she had pulled herself free from some hidden extra weight.

Reaching the dry steps in front of the decayed museum sign, she glanced down to see a rusty liquid drip from her clothes. Soft dilutions of red pattering against the white cap of her sneakers. Ellie grimaced at the sight, pushing aside the vision of a swollen belly and the swirling maroon pattern that bled out from around it. Instead, focusing on the closed double doors in front of her.

“What the fuck?” She panted. The memory seemed contained to how far she could see, behind her the dilapidated T-rex towered. The papery skin, slipping from its weathered frame, black mold and rot reaching out around the gashes in it’s side. It’s mouth an ominous tear across the snout. The forest beyond that faded into nothingness and Ellie faced the old stone building.

The doors had been boarded up since her visit with Joel, replaced. Ellie’s hand shook as she got closer and realized this was wrong. Sharp shards of broken glass stuck out from a weathered burnt umber painted frame, with chunks of wood missing someone had affixed the theater doors to the museum.

Tremors overtook her entire arm as she reached out for the rotted wood that boarded up where the window once sat in the frame. With a sharp breath she drew her arm back to her side. Flexing her fingers trying to regain her sense of self, Ellie heard another faint call of her name from inside.

Taking her left hand she wrapped her remaining fingers around the cool metal bar still screwed into the frame and shoved. Hard.

The door came loose easily and Ellie found herself stumbling through, quickly righting herself, reaching instinctively for her knife. Frowning when she pulled Ollie out of her pocket instead. Bewildered, Ellie found herself staring not at the gift shop she remembered from the museum, nor the entryway to the theater, but in a darkened museum room, a warm light cast through the open door far over her right shoulder. The wings of the firefly symbol that she found herself in front of now were a twisted mockery of the museum wall she remembered, these stretched long into the shadows.

Below the symbol, in all capital letters, sat the word LIAR. Written in a liquid that suspiciously resembled blood. There was a shine even in the dark as it dripped down the cracked walls, fresh into the yawning darkness around her.

Ellie tried to focus her mind, a sharp pain formed behind her eyes, the graffiti that had made her question Joel’s honesty. His unwillingness to acknowledge what they were looking at and his keen excuses to shepherd them out the door and away from the symbol that had dogged her their whole journey across the country. If he was a liar so was she. The whole damn world bred liars.

Ellie wrapped her hand around her tattoo and left for the door. Her head throbbed and she shook it clear, yelling out into the dark. “Joel?! You here?”

Next to her the exit sign above the door to the museum flashed red. She heard her name from behind the door again, higher. She ran over, slamming against the bar to unlatch it. Falling through a burst of moths, she was in her old blue and white raglan, letter in her hands and two corpses on the floor.

“I know you wish things were different,” Her eyes snapped upwards at the sound of Joel’s voice, there was less buzz to it more weight like she remembered.

He stood tall in front of her, bloater blood still drying on his green work shirt. Wisps of gray stood out against the black of his hair. At the time seeing him look so old had been jarring. Now, it was the only thing familiar to her. His eyes barely visible on his face now, hidden behind some unseen fog, their edges crinkled with his smile as he raised a hand and pointed over her shoulder. “But they ain’t.”

A door slammed shut behind her and Ellie whirled around. Facing the end of the hospital hallway. Bathed in flashing red emergency lights and spores. Again, that wasn’t right, that wasn’t how she found it before. This red came after, in the hospital, it poured out from Nora and stained her soul. Mangled her hands. No amount of acid could burn this scar away.

Her throat burned as if she spent the last hour screaming, trying to scrub Nora’s blood from her hands before seeking out Dina. It wasn’t enough, never enough.

Another frantic call of her name shocked her into action. She swallowed her fear and self-hatred, sprinting down the hallway. Behind her the sound of moth wings fluttering grew louder and louder as if a storm was rapidly approaching.

She passed the doorways where she knew scans of her brain and doctors journals with all the supposed reasons why she had to die to save the world would be and she ran towards the hospital doors that haunted her for years, where she knew Joel was screaming for her.

Crashing through the double doors she found herself in her patrol clothes, pistol in hand at the top of a quickly lengthening stair way, blood seeped out from the crack at the bottom of the door that the circle of her flashlight seemed to center on no matter which way she turned. Disoriented, she felt light headed as she tried to catch her breath and ground herself. Joel screamed her name like a dying man of the cloth cried for god. The buzzing behind her grew louder and she felt a fear she hadn’t felt in years rake it’s claws along her back.

“No no no. This isn’t real.” Her words caught in her mouth and she swayed from the rush of blood to her head. Nauseated as his screams of pain grew louder. “I’m not here anymore.”

“ELLIE! ELLIE, PLEASE!” Joel never begged.

“Joel! Oh fuck!” Ellie swallowed the fear that halted her breath in her lungs and steadied herself before she charged down the stairs two at a time to reach Joel. “Joel hang on!”

Panic passed through her skin like an electric fence current as she threw the whole weight of her body and pack into the door. Only to discover it wasn't locked she burst though onto Joel's porch. Catching herself on the rail she gasped, losing her breath momentarily.

A few moths darted towards the porch light, the soft sounds of their bodies hitting the bulb the only noise she could hear for a moment. The plastic chairs and table tucked against the house were empty and she felt the hair on her arms raise, when she heard distant chords of a guitar playing some where in the darkness behind her.

Ellie jumped down the small set of stairs away from the safe light of the porch. As she did a warm glow of light appeared some ways out. Flickering and dancing, inviting her closer. She had lost the chance to go back long ago, now all she could do was move forward and hope whatever happened it was for the best. Drawn to the sound she moved, let it guide her.

The guitar playing quietly grew as did the strength of the light, until Ellie realized as she stepped through the treeline into a partially illuminated clearing of trees that did not exist next to Joel’s house in Jackson. Joel sat on a rotted log in front of a roaring campfire in the center, languidly picking away at some old tune.

“Over here, kiddo.” He voice was warm and present and it reverberated deep with in her own chest. His eyes danced as a grin spread slow across his face, smug as ever. “Bout damn time you got here!”

“Joel!” Ellie ran to him, hugging him has hard as she could. His body alive and sturdy in her arms. He held his guitar at the side, holding her close he wrapped an arm around her back, pulling her head into his chest, his heartbeat wild underneath the leather of his jacket. He smelled like campfire and coffee and wood stain. Familiar and comforting. Ellie felt the sting of tears mix with the joy of her laughter. Cautiously, Joel pushed on her shoulders until she was an arm’s length away.

“Whoa, hey. What's wrong, kiddo?” Joel’s brows pinched in worry, his eyes carefully assessing her.

“Joel! I-I thought you were de-,” Ellie swallowed, heavily shoving away the memory of him on the floor out of her mind. “You. You’re fine?”

“Course I am.” Joel placed a hand on her forehead, the callouses on his fingertips rough against her skin. “Are you?”

Suddenly, flashes of her last moments came rushing forward as her worry for Joel ebbed away. There were hunters… and infected... some explosives went off. She pulled away from his hold to face the camp fire.

“I'm dead aren't I?” Joel cracked up at the question, holding his stomach as he walked back over towards the campfire, encouraging her to follow with a nod of his head.

“Not yet, kiddo.” He sat down on a log settling his guitar in his lap, patting the spot next to him for her to join. His voice lighter than it had been moments before. “Though you are gonna be mighty concussed. You're probably gonna wish you were dead when Dina gets her hands on ya. Might wanna read one of them romance novels I hid to figure out how to apologize.”

Ellie plopped down on the log next to Joel, covering her face with her hands. Dina was going to be mad for the reckless shit she pulled. Her whole plan had been a gamble, where at best Esther made it out alive. And that was was big if. Ellie’s body was probably bleeding out some where. “Fuck. I’m so stupid.” She groaned, dragging her hands until they pulled the skin of her face down.

“That girl hasn’t killed you yet,” he teased, the flickering of the fire casting shadows along his face, throwing his age into sharp relief. Most evident in the lines around his smile and the bags under his eyes. Adjusting his fingers along the neck of the guitar he nudged her foot with his boot. “I’m guessin’ you two figured some stuff out.”

“She’s so fucking amazing, Joel.” Ellie scraped a loose piece of bark off the long they were sitting on and sighed. “Some days I can’t believe that she wants to be with me. I mean, I really hurt her.”

Joel plucked a few strings of his guitar, quietly tuning them as he listened to her talk. She felt fourteen again, settling into their new dynamic after they had left Jackson. When they would sit around the small fire Joel taught her how to make while she talked his ear off about whatever topic had her attention that day while Joel listened to her as he cleaned his weapons. She missed it more than anything.

“There’s a lot of work to do. She wants me to work through it with her. I didn’t think I’d get the chance.” Ellie bit her lip, sniffing at the prickling sensation in her eyes. The familiar long-forgotten appreciation for Dina she wrote of in her journal filling her chest. Lightening it. “I really love her.”

“I told you she’d be lucky to have you.” He turned to her, with an open the firelight glinting in the wetness that collected in the corners of his eyes. As he leveled her an earnest “You’re not someone worth letting go of easily.”

“I know you’re trying to hype me up here old man. But letting go is half the problem. Things get so fucked up in my head.” Ellie faltered, scratching her chin she watched the flames of the fire lick at the darkness. “I’m still afraid of losing you like I lost Riley.”

“Hold on to what good of me ya can. And know that I'll always be in here.” Joel tapped a finger to her head and here Joel tapped a finger just over her heart, as she looked down he flicked his finger up, getting her nose.

“Aw, what the fuck, Joel!” Ellie batted his hand away, annoyed. “I was being real with you for once.”

“Kiddo. You really shoulda seen that one comin'.” Which was true after all this was some manifestation of mind. His eyes twinkled as he leaned in conspiratorially. “I think you just want a good prank from your ol’ man.”

“Glad to see you openly admit your old.” Ellie nudged his arm with her own.

“You look good.” Joel strums his guitar with a little flair, flashing her an annoying grin. “Almost like you been eating more.”

“Still not impressed?” Ellie glowered at him, and blew a strand of hair out of her face. “No fucking surprise there.”

They sat there watching the fire for a few moments, Joel humming a harmony to his light finger-picking. Ellie stilled, letting her mind turn over to a question that she had wished she could have asked knowing what she knew now. “Did you ever think someone would come after you?

“We both knew it was a possibility, kiddo. Fucked over a lotta folks before you were even born.” Joel sighed, leaning the guitar on the log. He stared past her for a moment before, giving her shoulder an easy shove. “Never had time to worry about what was behind me. You made damn sure of that, doing every fuckin’ thing I told ya not to do.”

Ellie bit at her nail anxiously, the dirt caked underneath a bitter grit against her teeth as she chewed. “Am I putting them in danger by staying?”

There was no way to know if Seattle was truly behind her. Abby had seemed done, but she was a single solider in a faction of fucked up. Ellie would walk into the ocean and drown if it kept JJ safe from her past. From experiencing the pain she went through.

“That’s the fear isn’t it? Let me ask you this,” Joel rubbed at his beard in thought before turning back to look at her. “Is what you have with Dina and JJ worth fighting for?”

The nail she was biting came off in a thin strip and she spit it to the side, wiping her thumb against her pant leg with a sigh. They both knew the answer. “Yeah. It is.”

Joel’s whole face lit up and his eyes shown. “Then you fight to keep it. You make it worth every second. You can be happy, Ellie.” He hummed to himself, twisting to the side to pick up a mug of coffee. Giving her a little toast before bringing it to his lips. “Any happiness in the world is worth the fight. You always were.”

_You still are._ Joel’s mouth formed the movements of the words, but it is her – Ellie’s voice – that spoke them. Jarring her towards the truth she had been avoiding all the years since Joel died.

The revelation is not kind or gentle. It’s violent when it hits her. It hits like the bus that crashed into her side of the truck when the Hunters had them pinned down in Pittsburgh. Shattering glass and groaning metal as the cab door closes in on her.  Her whole body clenched up, love, rage, acceptance swirling through her chest and she sees Joel. Really sees him. 

I t’s  not the rage of seeing Joel’s face decimated by a golf club  anymore . It’s  the love in  his smile, in the reflection of a mirror in the  science museum when he though Ellie wasn’t looking. It’s the way he finally laughed at one of her jokes. It’s the last time she saw him whole,  alive, his fingers dancing over thin iron strings as he worked out his pain in the same way he taught her how to . 

It’s the hour before their final talk, when he shoved Seth. Revealing to all of Jackson that dangerous part of himself that reared it’s head when he thought she might get hurt. She knew she loved him still, and that he was flawed and imperfect. So was she. He loved her all the same. The bond they forged was a product of fighting this fucked up world. Something that went deeper than death. The love Joel had for her, it still lingered inside her, buried away there was still some part of that Ellie. It would take some work to find her.

Joel passed the guitar over to her and she clumsily strummed a few chords. Despite her lack of digits, the resulting twang wasn’t as broken as she expected. The resonance of each string pluck stronger and brighter that she imagined.

“And you’re not alone, it’d be pretty stupid of ya to not ask Dina what she wants, she’s damn capable of holdin’ her own.”

“Yeah she is.”

“Ya both are. Survivin’ ain’t easy on your own.” She knew he wasn’t really here, the words stung all the same. The last year of his life had been about surviving, because she was too hurt to forgive him. She thought they had time. She left Dina alone and through all her hurt she still forgave Ellie. And if Ellie wasn’t dying somewhere, they had time.

Maneuvering the guitar to rest her arm on the body and a hand over the neck, Ellie watched as the moth inlay danced, warm and bright in the orange glow of the fire. Almost alive. Ellie sighed, ducking her shoulders lower to rest her chin on her forearm. Staring into the fire as it crackled and popped, eyes tracking the smoke upward to the luminous edges of darkness above.

“I'm sorry, Joel. That I wasted all that time. I shouldn’t have cut you out like that. I was so fucking hurt over wanting my life to mean something. I was too stupid to realize it already did.”

“Ellie, I know why you closed yourself off, and you know why I gave you space.” Joel grew silent for a moment, before chuckling to himself. “I didn’t learn a damn thing after how I treated Tommy after Boston. I couldn't lose you. In the end I almost did. I hurt you. There were better ways to go about it.” Joel put a hand on her back. “The past anchors us, but it’ll drag ya under if ya don’t give yourself slack.”

“I get that.” Ellie thought of JJ and how the mere thought of losing him made her want to burn the world down. “Now more than ever.” She wiped away a tear with her thumb and leaned hard on the body of the guitar, eyes meeting Joel’s.“I love… loved you. You know… knew that right?”

Joel pushed out a lungful of air and tucked his lips in for a second, glancing to the darkness above. A slow grin eked it’s way across his face as he pointed her direction upwards, voice awed. “Well I’ll be damned.”

Ellie’s jaw dropped and she took the guitar off her lap to stand. The void above shifted, now illuminated by a river of stars haloing the bright pathway of a comet. An ethereal flow of light coursing through the dark, restoring the world around them. With the light but a ghostly blanket atop the trees Ellie can see they’re in the same clearing as the last time this presence came to her and took the noose from round her neck.

Eyes skyward, Ellie felt sixteen again, celebrating Joel’s extended fiftieth on the upper porch of the ski lodge as comet Steve crested over them. The single coolest space phenomenon she ever saw. Joel next to her asserting that Steve was a terrible name despite being the one who wanted to name it Miller-Williams. The memory was one of the few she still had unmarred by his lie. She loved him then, even if she didn’t know it. Them against the world was as close to love as she understood it.

“I always knew, Ellie.” Nodding with a sad smile, the light cast shadows deep into the cracks of his face, aging him a good ten years. “And you know more about love than you think,” He gestured to them and the newly illuminated forest around them, the scintillating path forward above them. “If you didn't know that, you wouldn't be here.”

Joel drained the last of his coffee, raising a brow at Ellie over the rim, “But I’m not the one you’re askin’ about, am I?”

“What do you mean?” Ellie wrinkled her nose at his question. “Who else would I be talking about?”

Joel smiled and stood releasing one of those deep, old man groans, she couldn’t help but give him shit for, as he brushed his hands off on his pants and picked the guitar up by it’s neck. Adjusting the guitar in his hands he strummed the first few chords of an unfamiliar song before he started to walk away from the fire, towards the edge of the tree line. “Looks like your girl is waitin’ for ya, you should get goin’.”

“What do you mean Joel!?” Ellie watched as the edge of the woods drifted farther and farther away. The light of their campfire slowly dying, the flame fizzling out to embers and ash. She could barely see Joel on the fringe of light. His shoulders bounced as he chuckled at her confusion, yelling over his shoulder.

“You know what I mean, just use that tiny brain of yours! You’ll figure it out, you just gotta work on that confidence, kiddo!”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Annoyed, Ellie ran after him, the distance between them growing into a yawning chasm. She cupped her hands and shouted. “You’re still a fucking asshole! You know that right?”

Joel faced her, beaming as he walked himself backwards into the darkness. “Get outta here, Ellie! And be safe dammit, I don’t wanna see you for a long while!”

“Fine be like that, dick!” Ellie hollered after him, but Joel was already gone.

\--- --- --- ---- ---

And Ellie found herself alone again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally the start of the next chapter, however it wasn't working the way I wanted. And after a lot of work and rework, I figured it was because Ellie and Joel need the space, need the mirror of the first chapter. This was an ambitious return to explore the work of love.
> 
> That means you guys get an extra chapter out of me and that the next update will be much sooner. If you're still reading along, I have depths of fondness for you. 
> 
> As always, my bad if words don't work right, grammar is hard right now. Thank you for reading. Comments and kudos are always appreciated.  
> I hope you are well.
> 
> You can find me being the worst over @ [ dissonantdreamer](https://dissonantdreamer.tumblr.com)


	12. It's Time We Made Time Just For Talking, It's Time We Made Time To Heal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Healing takes time, and it's time for everyone to start to heal.  
> Ellie finds things humerus.  
> Dina struggles to stay strong.  
> Maria facilitates, Tommy tries.  
> Ellie and Dina go to space.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter adds a new tag, check that out and proceed how you see fit.  
> As always no beta, many apologies for any mistakes.

Her final shout of Joel’s name reverberated in her head and Ellie was first aware of her eyelids fluttering like moths wings before she was aware of anything else. Her lungs creaked as they expanded harshly from the deep lungful of air she took in. Her eyes were still closed but they were illuminated a dull pink from a bright light behind them.

Giving an experimental roll of her head, Ellie groaned at the weight of it. Opening her eyes the world was blurry, in the way it got when she woke up late in the evening after Dina let her use the rest of the day to sleep off a bout of depression on the farm. Her head reeled, the pressure behind her face somehow worse than when she found herself strung up by the ankle waiting to blackout.

With a huff Ellie adjusted the position of her head on the pillow. The world still remained frustratingly unfocused no matter how hard she squinted. She could make out the bed she was in, familiar enough with the yellowed walls of the clinic’s recovery ward, she closed her eyes. The door clicked open and she picked up on the distant sounds of an argument. A familiar angry voice speaking over a soft apologetic lower voice, but Joel was gone. This wasn’t quite Joel.

A rustle of bedding near her head forced her to open her eyes again. A dark hand came into sharp relief in front of her face startling her. Ellie followed it’s path with her eyes as the hand adjusted a tube next to her head and she noticed the outline of a chess piece tattooed on the ring finger. Cat had one of those. She showed it to her.

“Cat?” Wait, that was wrong. Everything felt hazy and focusing came harder than usual. The chess piece meant something to Cat, fuck. Her mind was operating about as efficiently as walking through neck-deep mud. It took a great deal of effort to pull the next coherent thought free from the muck and she hated the feeling.

“Sorry no, I’m a human. Man, your brain got scrambled more than an egg fry huh?” Came a husky, feminine voice above her. A young woman with warm brown skin dressed in old green scrubs came into relief next to her bed.

“No, Cat. Cat’s girl.” Ellie frowned against the unfamiliar rush of confusion. Tarot? Tina? Tara? Yeah. Tara.

Tara let out a low chuckle, “Oh, she’s told you about me huh?”

“She did. You like to stab people.” Ellie stated, squinting against the pain of the bright florescent light to assess herself. Despite her blurry vision she noted most of her lower torso was covered with a thin beige blanket she didn’t bother to pull off, instead shifting until she was certain she had feeling and movement in her lower appendages.

Moving her head to the side there was a dull ache, Ellie noticed there were bandages wrapped around her left wrist up to the middle of her bicep, heavy purpling bruises visible around the edges. On top of the bandages sat Joel’s watch. It’s weight comforting as soon as she acknowledged it.

Lifting her right arm spiked pain along her side and through her chest. A familiar blue elephant tumbled from her side. She picked Ollie up, wincing. Her right arm ached at the shoulder, it was bare save for some pockets of bruising coloring the wings of the moth tattoo a brilliant black-blueish color, a few shallow scratches and Dina’s bracelet. She could see gauze peeking out from underneath a paper thin gown she was certain she wasn’t wearing before. “Did you stab me?”

“Not yet. I wish Cat was here for this.” The woman reached over and unhooked something. Her features briefly coming into focus, her curly dark hair was tied back from her face, rich gold green eyes danced mischeviously. “She did say you had a sense of humor.”

“It-sin ‘m bones,” Limply, Ellie moved a hand to point at her upper arm, her words slurring a little. “Specific-ly two.”

“Said you were stubborn as fuck as well.” Tara commented, her mouth quirking up as she flashed a small pen light into each of Ellie’s eyes, she wrote something down on the clipboard in her hands. “Probably why you’re the only person in Jackson to survive nearly getting blown to hell with no more than a few lacerations, some deep bruising, and a long nap.”

“I like naps.” As if to prove her point Ellie’s eyes drooped and she felt herself nod off, snapping her head up.

“How’s your pain?” Tara asked. Ellie held her head as still as she could trying to assess her pain. Everything ached, yet there was a pleasant disconnect from it, as though she was floating in the lake on a sunny afternoon.

“S’ fine. Feels like a lake.” Above her Ellie heard Tara huff in amusement.

“Sounds right, if it gets any worse let me know and I’ll hook you up with the good drugs.”

As she spoke Tara’s voice turned to stuffing in Ellie’s ears, like when she pulled the seeds off a cattails all the fluff rapidly pouring out. Joel once said they looked like corn dogs, nearly choking on his rabbit when she joked they looked more like fuzzy dildos like the one in Bill’s magazine.

Through her gossamer fog, sounds of raised voices grew closer. If she really tried, Ellie could barely make out a little bit of what was being said.

“I don’t want him in the same room.” The first voice, upset, said.

“He said he’ll give you the space, but if she wants to see him. That’s up to her.” The second voice was calmer, placating.

“She’s the reason I even made it through losing Je-.” There was a hitch in the first voice. Ellie lost the thread of conversation when she squeezed her eyes and thunder rumbled in her ears. The voices sound familiar. “I can’t lose her.” The first voice again, her words were spoken firmly, as if they were some indelible truth.

“You won’t.” There was shuffling, a quiet sob, and Ellie couldn’t make out the rest of what was being said, the voices quieting. Ellie opened her eyes to see Tara continuing to check her vitals, quietly humming as she let go of Ellie’s wrist. She had dimmed the lights for her, and she was grateful for the relief. The white-walled room they put her in had a single door and no windows, making the overhead lights harsh on her eyes.

After a time Ellie made out the sounds of light footsteps walking away and a long steadying sigh before she opened her eyes to see Dina, cheeks wet in the doorway. Her hair was piled atop her head in a haphazard bun, not unlike the ones she predominately wore for a few weeks after JJ’s birth, when she was too exhausted to do anything with it.

Dina hadn’t seen Ellie was awake yet. She hung her head, running the back of her hand against her cheeks. Her naturally flawless olive skin seemed sallow in the dim light. Even with little light Ellie could see heavy dark rings of exhaustion prominent under puffy lids. The kind that came with an empty sleeplessness Ellie knew intimately. There was a brimming anger in Dina’s eyes as if she had just finished a fight.

Around the room there was evidence – that for however long Ellie had been out – Dina hadn’t gone far. There were blankets piled on a chair next to her, a few half-empty tins of food from the mess hall sat on a small table covered in schematics and a small electronic device that had been taken apart. Ellie overwhelmed at the sight, wanted nothing more than to make Dina smile. Pulling her left hand up in a fist she moved her head to face Tara.

“Shit. Hey, Doc? Where’d ‘m fingers go?” The words came out a little muddled and it garnered more worry than she intended when Dina’s head shot up as Ellie unfurled her three fingers with a little wiggle, “Oh never mind... hand was closed.”

“Was that supposed to be a joke?” Tara looked at her oddly, before noticing Dina had stepped in the room. “Might wanna workshop that one next time.”

The fire in Dina eyes died the second they fell upon Ellie’s, her mouth parted in shock and she stilled in the doorway. Dina’s expression crumpled her breath leaving her with a sob. Rushing over to the bedside, dipping to carefully wrap her arms around Ellie, avoiding the bandages wrapped around her. 

“You’re such an idiot.”

Heavily inhaling the honeyed soap smell of Dina’s hair, Ellie brought her right hand to the exposed skin of Dina’s neck, scratching lightly as Dina quietly cried, warm tears trailing down her collarbone, collecting in the fabric over her heart. Ellie watched Tara duck out of the room over the plane of Dina’s back. She tried not to wince as the movements of her hand caused her body to ache, Dina caught on and backed away, hand cradling Ellie’s face carefully.

“Dina, I’m sor-.”

“Shut up.” Dina hushed, holding her lips to Ellie’s forehead for a few seconds. Tucking her neck into Ellie’s collarbone she whispered into her skin. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m just glad you’re safe.”

Dina stood back up, her hand stroking into Ellie’s hairline seemingly fighting something inside herself before she settled on what she wanted to say. “They told me you nearly blew yourself up to escape, what were you thinking?”

“I was thinkin’ I love whoever made those traps.” It was a truth her grogginess failed to impart. The answer sounded flippant, but it was true. Ellie would be dead if Dina brilliance hadn’t shown through like a steadfast star in the night, and for that she loved her more.

“I’m being serious, El.”

“So am I.” Ellie found her hand and squeezed. “If only someone made signs.”  
  


“There were signs, you ass.” Dina’s wet chuckle, and sounded like a victory Ellie would take. She brought their entwined hands to her face.

  
“If only I could read.” Ellie lamented, kissing the knuckles on Dina’s hand. “Someone shoulda drawn pictures.”

Dina rolled her eyes and kissed the palm of Ellie’s left hand. “You’re infuriating.”

“And you’re pretty fuckin’ ah-mazin’.” Words came slowly to her still, feeling as if she was trying to pull start a generator. Ellie blinked, a wave of tiredness seeping back into her bones. Being cognizant was a lot of work. “You made those things. Seein’ ‘em once in the wild? Fuck, you’re so smart.”

Dina leaned in closer, her gaze tender despite the red that encircled the deep brown of her iris. Her freckles blurred by her proximity. A smile tugged her lips momentarily upwards as she played along. Sitting down in the blanket covered wooden chair, Dina crossed her arms and raised her brow. “I should get up and walk out of this clinic.”

“I’d try’n stop you but, in case you missed it, I’m bedridden.” Ellie snorted as her eyes fluttered close taking comfort in the sound of Dina’s shaky laugh. “There’s an innuendo in there.”

“Good to know there’s no lasting brain damage.” Dina sounded as exhausted as Ellie felt. A minute or an hour later, it was hard to tell, Dina asked, “Do you think you can stay awake until Maria gets here?”

“M’awake.” Ellie murmured. “Just keepin’ my eyes closed to conserve power.”

Wood scraped against tile, the bed dipping lightly next to her arm. Dina held Ellie’s left hand in one hand and traced the lines of her palm with the other. The lulling touch all she could focus on. Quiet conversation existed on the edge of her consciousness, the words made no sense, merely white noise. Eventually, her shoulders shook, or someone was gingerly shaking her.

“El?”

“Mmm?” Ellie was aware of the mild pressure on her shoulder and slowly opened an eye. Dina’s beautiful face hovering over her on her right side now.

“Babe, Maria’s here. Can you wake up?” Dina stroked her hair, closely studying her face for signs only she could read.

“Didn’t sleep.”

“Of course,” Dina kissed her cheek. “I’m gonna go check on JJ and I’ll be back.” Ellie flashed her a groggy thumbs up, head lolling on the pillow.

“Give ‘im, kiss for me.” The furrow in Dina’s brow ease, confirming she heard Ellie with a wink.

When Dina passed by Maria, she was pulled into a short hug. Maria whispering something into her ear. Dina nodded against her shoulder as they broke apart. Something stirred inside Ellie at the sight, two people she trusted, trusting each other. She grinned as much as the pain along her neck would allow as Maria approached her.

“Howdy.” Ellie’s tongue felt heavy in mouth, fuzzy. She clicked it against the roof of her mouth to see if she still could and grinned at her success.

“Hey.” Maria returned her smile, it’s curve barely visible. She was a mess, her normally well-kept hair seemed greasy, unwashed. Her skin was grayish in the light and Ellie noted more worry lines dashing her face than she remembered. Maria took Dina’s seat and sat down next to Ellie, rubbing her hands over her own arms before reaching out and brushing a long strand of hair out of Ellie’s face. “You had me worried for a second there, Ellie.”

“Only a second?” Ellie huffed, looking at her wrist Joel’s watch glinting in the light. “Gotta work on my timing, since this thing is broken.” Broken, still it worked in it’s own way.

Ellie rubbed her thumb and finger together, meeting Maria’s plaintive gaze. “How long was I out?”

“Little over two days.” Maria’s face tightened, her voice sounded smaller than Ellie ever heard. “What do you remember?”

“Went to get stuff from the farm, with Est-” Ellie felt the air leave her lungs as Esther’s angry fearful expression passed through her mind. Frantically she struggled to sit, fighting the tight pinch at the back of her skull that Esther was dead and she was the one to damn her.

Reacting quickly, Maria jumped up, placing her hands on Ellie’s shoulders lightly pressing her back onto the mattress.

“Ellie, stay still, you’ll hurt yourself further.” The words were spoken sternly enough to shock Ellie still. She slumped back onto the pillows, like a stuffed toy. “Esther is fine thanks to you. She was checked over and sent home on bed rest. Your unbelievably reckless idea to be bait saved her.”

“What happened? After?” Blinking slow she remembered the prayer she made, the blast of several small bombs tearing into decayed flesh, launching gore and shrapnel into her body. After her dream of Joel she wasn’t sure if the voice she heard was actually real, merely her body easing her into death.

“You got real lucky is what happened.” Maria settled back into the chair, running a hand through her hair, fingers catching in a tangle, wincing as she extricated her fingers. “Tommy found you. His group had been running supplies from a sweep of that area back to the trading post. Found the horses spooked by the gas station and heard an explosion. He happened to be close enough and stupid enough to run towards danger.”

“I think that’s a Miller thing.” Maria laugh was no more than a nosy exhale as she patted Ellie’s knee affectionately.

“I think you’re right.”

From the chest pocket of her olive green work jacket Maria pulled out Ellie’s new knife and placed it on the side table next to the bed. “He wanted me to make sure you got this back by the way.”

“I’ll have to thank him. Is he still around?”

“He,” Maria started, frowning slightly before changing tracks. “No. Tommy left, had things that needed tending to. He did want to be around when you woke up, we didn’t know how you’d be. I could get him on the radio whenever you feel ready for that.”

“I’d like that, dunno if I can handle bein’ in front of him right now.” There was a kind of vulnerability lying in an infirmary bed that Ellie didn’t want to have to acknowledge. “But we’ve been avoidin’ a talk long enough.” Ellie ran her fingers over the worn band of Joel’s watch, the hands of the watch still frozen at two-fifteen.

The time, she remembered foggily, that it had been stuck at for as long as she knew Joel. Another question that she would never get an answer to crossed her mind: Was this the time when the watch died, or did the time mean something to Joel?

“He did want me to tell you when you woke up that he’s glad you’re alive. I feel the same way.” Maria patted her leg through the thin fabric of the blanket. Ellie returned her quiet smile. Or tried to, her face felt stuck as if she’d taken a hit from one of Sergeant Frost’s cryogenic kicks. Frost? Frost wasn’t real, he was a hero? Card?

That train of thought was cut short when Maria gripped her leg leaning forward face hidden behind the curtain of her hair, voice weighted with deep sorrow. “I don’t know what I would have done if you didn’t make it.”

“Fuck,” Ellie stretched a hand out to Maria who took it in both of her own.“I’m sorry I didn’t go straight home like I promised.” Shame burnt like a hot iron against her chest. “I put myself and Esther in danger. I wasn’t careful, I don’t know how those hunters found us.”

“Ellie,” her name came out no more than an exhausted sigh. Maria pressed her lips together until they were no more than a thin bone white line. Tears cut across the wrinkles in her face, more numerous than Ellie noticed, catching in the corners of her mouth as she spoke. “Those men that found you weren’t hunters. They were part of a slaver caravan passing through.” Her eyes bore into a spot on the wall above Ellie’s head. “Their cart wasn’t too far from where we found you. Lead us to where they were camping out, and we took care of them.”

Maria’s tone was sharp and left no doubt that the woman who welcomed everyone even if they were a possible risk, had slaughtered whatever remains of the slavers they found over sparing them.

Slavers. Ellie scratched at the palm of her hand, trying to remember where she’d heard that word recently, unused to having to pull her thoughts out like stubborn roots. It was Barry? Ellie frowned trying to make the connection. Barry said slavers hurt him. Thickly, Ellie asked, “Is Barry okay?”

“Barry and all of Jackson is safe because of you and Esther.” Maria ground her jaw and a flash of anger crossed her face. “They had kids with them, you saved them too.”

“Well now I feel a little better about losing a new machete to that pigs thick head.” Her eyes began to droop, fatigue replacing adrenaline. “Is it okay if I close my eyes?”

“Of course,” Maria leaned up and kissed her forehead. Standing she rubbed at her shoulders. “Feels a little cold in here. I’ll go see what I can do about getting you a few more blankets.” 

No sooner than Ellie closed her eyes, she jerked awake batting away the hand on her shoulder with a hiss and a wince as pain lanced through her side. “Fuckin’ christ.”

Clutching her middle with her free hand, Ellie leaned on her left elbow she took stock of the situation. The overhead light had been shut off. The only source of light was a dim lamp on the side table casting eerie shadows along the walls. Dina stood above half her face covered in blurry darkness, framed by two tendrils of dark hair. Ellie noticed she had stolen another flannel from her wardrobe. Dina’s hands poking out of too big sleeves she had rolled halfway up her forearm. Her hand hovered in the light for a moment, before she slowly reached down to push Ellie’s damp hair from her face.

“Hey, babe. Sorry, they want to do a few more tests with you in a bit. I’d say that response is normal.”

“S’fine.” Ellie shook her head, collapsing back against the bed. “How’s our little Tater?”

“He’s wondering where you are, but every time he gets fussy…” She paused, considering her words. “Well, Jonesy is doing a good job.” She pressed something soft into Ellie’s hands. “He wanted you to have, Ollie.” Ellie hummed, pushing a knuckle into the corner of each eye, to rub loose some vestiges of sleep.

The light familiar blue of Ollie came into view and she inhaled the soft scent of powder and soap she associated with her little Potato. Kissing Ollie on the head Ellie tucked him into the neck of her shirt. Glancing around to confirm they were alone, Ellie scooted over until there was enough space for a second person. “That chair looks wicked uncomfortable, babe. Come to bed with me.”

“Wicked?” Dina teased, imitating the old Boston accent that slipped out. “I don’t think I heard that one since you got _wicked_ drunk at your first bonfire.”

“Shut up, it was one time.” Ellie flipped Dina off with her good hand. “Be nice to me. S’not my fault, I’m concussed.”

“You sure about that? We have an eye witness that says you are the reason for your concussion.” Dina cautiously sidled into the bed, placing and arm behind Ellie, mindful of her injuries, for her to snuggle against her chest.

“Fair.” As she began to cozy up to Dina something dug into her temple and she pulled back. Squinting in the dim light Ellie noticed a thin length of deep brown leather she’d never seen before hung around Dina’s neck.

Tugging it out from the neck of the green-gray flannel, she found the culprit was the ring she pocketed at the farm, secured with a square knot to make a necklace. With a grunt she sat herself up further to meet Dina’s eye.

“Where’d you get this?” She spoke slowly, words were hazy and took effort still.

“They found it in your pocket.” Dina lifted it from Ellie’s fingers, letting the necklace dangle from her own. The desk light glinting off the silver metal, a pinpoint of light between them. “It’s the ring from the bank, right? I didn’t realize you kept it.”

“I uh. Was gonna give it to you, back then… to do something nice. But I sang for you instead. Then you know, we got blown up.” She trailed off, swiping the back of her hand over her nose, trying to quell the embarrassment that rose to her cheeks.

“Well, finders keepers.” Dina kissed the scar on her cheek holding it to the light to read the inscription around the band. “Do you know what it says?”

“I dunno, probably something like _I’m a_ _horrible_ _bed hog_ _.”_ Dina poked her tongue out and nudged Ellie lightly.

“You do know I’m not above kicking an injured _child_ out of this bed?” Ellie sighed against Dina’s skin letting herself indulge in the lull of Dina’s heartbeat for a moment. Drinking in the soft honey smell of her soap and the light wildflower smell of Robins soap – the one she made special for JJ’s bubble baths when he slept over.

“You mumble in your sleep.” Dina picked at a hole in the blanket. “You said Joel’s name a bunch. Are you okay?”

“Sometimes he’s still there at the bottom of the stairs.” Ellie wet her lips and took a breath, tucking her face into the column of Dina’s neck, mumbling, “But I see him alive more, lately. We... talk.”

Dina stayed quiet for a moment, long enough where Ellie was uncertain if Dina even heard her. “What do you talk about?”

“Stuff. I think it’s me mostly talking to myself. But if it is him, he thinks you snore too.”

“Once you’re all healed up I’m gonna get you back for that.”

They stayed like that for sometime, holding each other close, enjoying the small victory that they were alive. Ellie remembered her earlier conversation with Maria, she’d asked about JJ but forgot to tell Dina about her end of things. Communication. That was important.

“I talked to Maria, about Tommy.” Around her Dina’s arms tensed, her heart rate picked up in her ear.

“Ellie.” Dina spoke her name like a warning. “He doesn’t.”

Ellie could hear the anxiety in her voice, feeling it thumping against her own skin, even though Dina tried to hide it. Her arms shuddered and Ellie realized she fucked up when her chest began to heave in deep shuddering breaths. Dina wasn't drawing full breaths and she choked out “He can’t take you again.”

“Dina, shit. No one is taking me anywhere.” Ignoring the protest from her injuries Ellie shoved herself up until her back was against the wall of the clinic. “Hey I’m right here.”

“Don’t go.” Dina managed between increasingly short breaths. Ellie grabbed Dina’s hand putting palm over her heart, tapping along to her heartbeat on her knuckles until Dina’s breathing steadied and she murmured out and apology.

“First, no one is going to take me. I'm not going anywhere willingly. Dina I’m not leaving you. I might be stupid” Dina scoffed, wiping her eyes dry. Her anguish less of a blaze now that she had calmed down. It was something they’d have to work on. A new area of trust they would explore and fix, together “Okay, yes. I will be stupid, but I will always find my way back to you.”

“We’ll talk about this when you’re not concussed.”

“I’d appreciate that. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just wanted to communicate that. I came back to you like I promised. If you’ll let me, I’d like to pay the rest of my debt.”

Ellie traced a her finger tips down Dina’s jaw, brushing her thumb over the scar on her cheek until Dina leaned against her palm and pulled Ellie in close by the fabric of her hospital gown to kiss her like she was the last thing mooring her to shore.

Responding in kind with an intensity of her own, Ollie toppled off her shoulder as Ellie adjusted their angle, sucking at Dina’s bottom lip. Dina moaned and shifted closer, pulling Ellie’s hand back to her chest. Hunger lacing every press of their lips.

The sound of someone clearing their throat loudly behind them, broke the two apart quickly to stare at Tara who gestured to the bed. “While I am ecstatic that you are recovering so well. Please don't fuck in here,” Tara said, dryly. “Think of the children, and the old folks… really anyone in Jackson who has to use that bed.”

Dina hid her face in Ellie’s hair as Ellie giggled into her chest. Tara stepped closer to the bed, instructing Dina to move to the side a little.

“Try and keep that good mood up,” Tara said, tapping the side of a syringe, prepping a spot on Ellie’s arm with a cool alcohol wipe. “I need to stab you now. Hold still.”

\--- --- ---

Leaving the clinic had more fanfare than Ellie wanted. Esther had shown up with help from Cat, who according to them “Was here to bring Tara lunch and nothing else.” before proceeding to spend the half hour it took Tara to clear her to go home, talking about all the stupid things Ellie had ever done. Though embarrassing and kind of passive aggressive at times, their support meant a lot to her. Tara refused to let her go to the RV citing she’d need someone to keep an eye on her due to “a history of stubbornness to one’s own detriment”.

It had been two weeks since Ellie been released into Dina’s care because, for some reason, no one trusted her to take care of herself. Every complaint she made about being capable of tending to her healing wounds was met with harsh reminders of injuries she’d failed to properly take care of in years past. Sure her thigh had a massive scar from an infected injury and the nerves there were a little fucky, she managed to keep her leg so really she could have done fine enough on her own.

Back in Joel’s house she struggled to adjust. Bed rest wasn’t her speed, nor was being treated like a newborn. The whole deal was starting to grate on her nerves. A small itch she couldn’t quite reach. For a week Dina refused to let Ellie out of her sight, despite the worst of her injuries amounting to a large bruise on her left side that started mid torso traveling down over her hip to just above her knee that made walking a little difficult, and a deep cut down her left arm. There were numerous scores in her flesh from debris raking along her skin as the explosion went off. Really, the amount of stitches she needed was minimal compared to some of other injuries she witnessed in Jackson.

Most days she could get through. Dina worked from home and when she wasn’t watching Ellie like a hawk, Jonesy stood watch, her fuzzy sentinel calming and present for her. Her time consisted of sleep, short painful walks to the bathroom, and playing with JJ, reading every single book he put in her lap, including an old rhyming dictionary Tommy gifted her when he found out Joel started giving her guitar lessons. Giving him shit for all the terrible songs he wrote when they were kids and telling Ellie he was sparing her from the same fate.

One afternoon, towards the end of the third week Ellie put JJ down for his nap, and limped into the kitchen to help Dina make dinner. The morning had been spent on the couch flipping through older journals watching her mental state shift over the years. Noting with pride more recent journals entries were starting to feel closer to the ones she wrote before Joel’s death. Not as dramatic, but her happiness with Dina and now JJ took up more pages then missing eyes and broken watches.

She kept finding entries about Tommy, from the day he risked protocol – and Maria’s wrath – for her so she could get outside of Jackson and find a birthday gift for Joel, another about him teaching her to shoot, gifting her his old rifle. The angry entry cursing him out for trying to get her to stay behind while he went to Seattle. Her own rage and desperation mutated her into someone she never truly wanted to be, it seemed unfair to not offer Tommy the same second chance her loved ones had given her. Maria was talking to him again, that had to be a good sign.

Helping Dina in the kitchen distracted her mind for a while. Before things cycled back to her morning thoughts Ellie was able to focus on measuring out ingredients, whistling accompanying harmonies to Dina’s low humming, and cutting beef into chunks for stew. For a while it was enough, to linger in the kitchen comforted by the domesticity of it. The warm smell of roasting meat and cooking vegetables mingling with Dina’s soap as she dropped kisses on Ellie’s back every time she passed by.

Eventually, as they waited for the food to cook, her hands idled long enough and the journal entries began needling at the back of her mind, like tonguing a loose tooth after a fight, she couldn’t let it be.

“Hey. I was wondering if we could make some time to talk about Tommy soon?”

“What is there to talk about?” Dina deflected, letting the knife she was cutting vegetables with clatter on to the table. Stepping over to hug Ellie from behind.

Ellie scoffed at the dismissal, “A lot actually. I know you don’t like him but he and I need to come to terms with some shit.”

“Ellie, why? You don't owe that man a thing. He sent you to die.” Ellie let out a low grunt when Dina hugged her middle a little tighter. The bruised flesh still tender around her solar plexus. Ellie placed the wooden spoon she was stirring the stew with onto the old potholder covered in stained images of local Jackson wildlife before turning in Dina’s arms to face her. Dina refused to move, rubbing her face into Ellie’s sternum and breathing deeply. Ellie put her right hand on Dina’s head, her left flexing against her side. They were on opposite sides of a coin on this. Trying to balance a coin on it’s edge would be hard, not impossible.  
  
“I owe it to myself Dina. Whether or not you want to see it this way, he's still my family. He fucked up, so did I. I’m still the one who left you and JJ.” Who was she to turn him away when he'd lost Joel, more than Joel. He lost his brother and his light. “If you can let me fix my mistakes, I can give him that chance too.”  
  
“I don't want him near me or my family.” Dina spoke curtly.

“I’ll go to him. I’m not asking you to let him in.”

  
“You’re my family.” Dina let go of her waist rounding around the island towards the sink. Ellie turned the stove off, lifting the pot of stew to the back of the burner.  
  


“Dina. Where is this coming from?” Hopelessness bubbled up from her chest and spilled from her mouth like a neglected pot of water left to boil.

“I need to do this for myself I really do. I don't. I don't want to regret losing Tommy the way I lost Joel. Not without trying.” Ellie stared at the clean floor, realizing she didn’t wipe her shoes off enough. She stared at the prints of her sneakers all over Dina’s hard work. Ellie felt like she was stepping over Dina’s hard emotional work now. She’s not leaving a mess for Dina to clean. She can clean it up herself. “I’ve been hiding from him since I got back. I’ve worked on getting myself to a place I can face him.”  
  
Dina breath came in tight short gasps, her pain salting her cheeks down to her chin. She braced herself on the kitchen counter, shoulders hunched, clutching at the ring around her neck. All too familiar with what was happening Ellie swiftly moved around the island catching Dina in her arms as she dropped. Deliberately, Ellie lowered them down to the floor until Dina rested against her chest, leaning all her weight into Ellie as she sobbed.

“Seeing Tommy in town again, it was like I was back on the farm and I couldn't make you stay.” Dina’s voice caught on stay and Ellie gathered Dina in her arms, feeling the anger slip out of Dina like water in cupped hands. There was no more fight in her words.

“That night. I would have woken up alone if JJ hadn’t fussed when you got up. I’m scared I’m going to wake up and _this_ will be gone. That Maria will come to my door and tell me you’re gone. It’s stupid. You’re showing me you want to stay, but some days… this feels like the interim until you’re gone.”

The helplessness was familiar. Some days there would be a noise she wasn’t prepared for and Ellie felt like she was still pinned on the floor of the chalet even after all the progress she made.

Trauma manifests itself differently. Recovery isn't linear. Everyone has their own way of healing. A good day for one person might be a bad day for another. It's unique to each individual. That's what several of the books she read with Maria said.

Ellie guided Dina’s head to her heart with little resistance, inhaling and exhaling for four eight counts each. Tapping the beats out on Dina’s bicep. They stayed like that until Dina’s sobs began to dwindle and her breathing synced with the rise and fall of her own chest.

Joel’s owl mug, the one Ellie had left out on the counter top after Dina asked her several times to put it away, perched on the edge, watching. The angle of the ear tufts cutting the eyes making her feel like a particular asshole was watching her from beyond.

“You know Tommy hasn’t been around because of me?” Dina’s voice was small and fearful.

“What?” Ellie asked, blinking in confusion.

“I kinda threatened to castrate him if he came near you when you came back to Jackson.” Ellie pulled her head back a little. Raising her brows at the statement as Dina tucked her face closer to Ellie’s collarbone.

“Tommy hasn’t been around because you were gonna chop his balls off if you saw him?” The bun on Dina’s head moved up and down with the movement of her head. Ellie couldn’t help the laugh that broke free from her lips at the thought of Dina confronting Tommy somehow twice as scary as she had been on the porch the day she left. Having been on the receiving end of Dina’s ire, it made so much sense. “Well no fucking wonder! I’d never come back to Jackson if you told me I’d lose a tit.”

“Ellie.” Dina sat back, shame painted her face gray, like shadows in the early morning light. “I’m being serious I kept you two apart.”

“So am I!” Ellie balked, “Did you know I was ready to turn tail the second I saw you in the cemetery my first day back!? I considered jumping in an open grave.”

“He sent me a note, said he wouldn’t come around Jackson. That he’d wait until you were ready. And he hasn’t I sent him out the clinic too, just before you woke up.”

“Babe, I broke down any time I thought about Tommy when I got back. I don’t think I could have handled seeing him while concussed.” The familiar guilt about where she and Tommy ended up began to encroach upon her and she took at calming breath before speaking. “I’m in a place I can handle talking to him. He’s my family, if you can give me a second chance...” Her final moment with Joel on the porch replayed in her mind and she trailed off into the thought that she was being given that which she had withheld for so long.

Her mind shifted to Dina in attack mode, trying to ease the sadness welling up inside her. “Maria said Tommy’s trying to be better, and I’ll bet the rest of my left hand it’s because your scary as all fuck when you’re mad.”

“You’re not mad at me?”

“I’m a little hurt you spoke to him for me without talking to me.” Ellie kissed her temple, she was allowed to feel hurt. Dina was also allowed to feel how she felt about Tommy, they’d have to meet in the middle somewhere. “He seems to be bad for your mental health right now, and after everything you’ve told me I can understand even if I don’t fully agree with how it was handled in regards to me.”

“I’m sorry.” Dina moved to pull away and Ellie just held her closer.

“We’re a team and I want you on my side. I need you to let me make choices for myself.” “I’m going to talk to him on the radio, see how it goes. You and I will what that book say,” Ellie made little air quotes in front of them. “keep the door of communication open and talk about the next steps.”

Ellie held on tighter, nudging Dina’s forehead with her own. “However… If you could describe to me, in great detail, the look on Tommy’s face when you said you’d turn him into a eunuch, all will be forgiven.”

“I love you.” Dina’s words were small, yet she spoke with such deep devotion Ellie swallowed past a lump of emotion caught in her throat before speaking.

  
“I know you do.” Ellie smoothed a hand up and down Dina’s back. How could she not know.  
  


“And it scares me how much.” Dina’s breath caught on her words. “Seeing him and thinking of what happened after he talked to you. It makes so fucking angry and scared.”

Ellie twisted her body, lifting Dina’s legs into her. Cradling Dina securely in her arms against her chest, like she did for JJ when he had a bad night. Tension bled from Dina’s form as Ellie rocked them gently, blinking back tears of her own. This pain, this fear, dogged her all her life, and here in the kitchen Ellie worn down let it catch up. There was a lot of her past she never told Dina, now seemed like a good time to start. Better late than never.

“A long time ago, someone asked me what scared me the most.” Dina’s breath stilled momentarily at Ellie words. “I told him scorpions. I stand by that, those things are creepy…” Dina stayed quiet despite her attempt at levity. Ellie tilted her head back so her mouth wasn’t so obscured by Dina’s hair and sighed.

“Right. He asked cause he was scared too. The answer… the truth… that I gave him was that I was scared of ending up alone.” Absently scraping a nail over a dried scab on the back of her hand, Ellie frowned when she felt a sharp prick of pain as the scab pulled away blood immediately turning the thin line of open tissue deep red. Ellie tried to wipe her blood away, smearing it over her wrist. The last thing she wanted to do was bleed right now.

She clasped a hand to cover her mess and continued. “I’ve been alone, completely alone, Dina. And… I realized it wasn’t all that scary. If he was around to ask me again, I’d be honest. Scorpions, still up there. But, losing you. Losing JJ. That’s what scares me the most. I’m not ever leaving you two.” Ellie dug her fingernails into the flesh of her arm to abate the deluge of emotion even thinking about losing them again caused her these days. “Not willingly. I swear.”

A tear fell from the corner of her eye, onto Dina’s blouse. Inhaling deeply Ellie whispered, “I’m not asking you to forgive or trust Tommy, you have your reasons and I’ll respect them. I’m asking you to trust me. And respect my choice.”

“I do trust you and I wouldn’t stop you from making a choice. But there is a part of me that doesn’t trust myself.” Ellie release her grip on her own wrist, taking the moment to kiss a tear away from the corner of Dina’s eye. “That if you leave I won’t be able to handle this again.”

“I’m done. What happened out there, that’s where it ended.” Ellie grabbed the edge of her shirt and wiped Dina’s face. “And if anybody _anybody_ tries to take me away from you. I’ll make them regret they ever tried.”

“You’re so fucking stubborn.” Dina placed a gentle kiss underneath Ellie’s jaw, cupping her face, eyes glossy she watched Ellie closely. “What if it’s scorpions?”

Leaning in with a quiet smile, Ellie kissed her, savoring the taste she’d missed like water in a desert, “We’ll get to that when we face it.”

Resting back against the side of the island, Ellie met the eyes of the owl on Joel’s mug. It’s gaze felt less judgmental. “For now, I’m going to prove to you how much I love you and JJ. I know it won’t be perfect, I still have my moments. But for you both I’ll keep trying.”

“And I’ll work on not castrating Tommy if I see him.” Dina teased, in that old familiar fucking soft way that spun Ellie off her orbit. “And trusting myself a little more. Where is all this insight coming from?”

“Apparently this is what happens when you talk about your feelings and read old books on mental health instead of comics.” Ellie nosed her way into the soft skin of Dina’s shoulder, placing a quick kiss there. “I’m still figuring out the rest.”

Dina leaned back, gently pressing her lips to Ellie’s cheek. “We can figure out the rest together.”

Ellie moved her head slightly to kiss Dina, a flutter of lips that grew into a soft smile against her favorite cluster of freckles, “That actually sounds… kinda nice.”

When the walls of the kitchen turned from a molten gold to a light blue, Dina finally untangled herself from Ellie. The adrenaline had long worn off and Ellie’s whole body felt like it had been hit by a flaming shambler. The stitches in her arm were sore, pain radiating up into her bicep, there was no blood on the gauze and Ellie prayed she hadn’t ripped them out by accident.

The appointment to remove them was in two days and – to everyone's surprise – this was the first time in her life she followed medical procedure. Her right shoulder sparked pain with each little movement of her head. Sheepishly, asking for help up.

Ellie held her arms out like JJ when he wanted to be picked up to give Dina the space to gingerly wrap her arms around her torso to lift her. Dina managed to get her upright with relative ease, pausing only when Ellie grimaced at a sharp flare of pain when the feeling returned to her legs.

“Fuck that sucks.” Ellie leaned back on the counter for a moment before stiffly following Dina to the stove. Even the pins and needles in her legs had pins and needles; and those pins and needles had, sharp, pointy sticks and hot iron lances.

“Shit. I think the stew went cold.” Dina lamented, pulling the lid off. Ellie held Dina against her chest to kiss the mole beneath Dina’s ear, before resting her chin on her shoulder, reaching around her to ignite the burner bringing it up to a low heat.

“Well, I guess now is a bad time to tell you I’m scared of cold stew.”

\--- --- ---

By the end of the second week, Ellie managed to convince Dina to go work on the things Jackson needed in the field instead of trying to work around her in the house. Even then she popped in every couple of hours to check in on Ellie. Her breaks were spent taking Ellie to the clinic for her check ups, her evenings spent helping her put salve on the wounds she couldn’t reach, and the ones she could reach on her own just fine.

Ellie would quietly let her dab the affected area with medicine and change her bandages, blinking at the space just over Dina’s head as her vision blurred from the enormity of the act. She knew Dina tended to those wounds because she wanted to, not because she thought Ellie couldn’t. She was expressing her love and devotion the same way she had in Seattle, the same way she had the night of Joel’s death.

It didn’t eat away at Ellie like it used to and she’d thank Dina with poems and unfinished lyrics she inspired, carefully hidden in between the pages of the book she was reading, or clipped to the days schematics as she left for the days work.

By the end of the month, Dina – after much prompting and many assurances that Ellie could handle herself – returned fully back to the field. Currently on a two day overnight to setting up new trip wire explosives around Jackson’s perimeter and the new expanse of land the group patrol safely secured the week prior.

For the most part Ellie was glad to see Dina return to work. Sure, she missed Dina something awful. But she never wanted Dina to feel like she had to drop her life to care for Ellie ever again. They were slowly working their way back towards being a team and this time Ellie was determined to keep things proportionate as best she could. Ellie had long resolved not to let Dina give so much of herself without meeting her halfway the day Dina told her she could see JJ.

Dina had practically moved Ellie into her home. Within the month, the RV served more as storage than it did a house. Jonesy and her Walkman were the first things to appear at Dina’s, then her sketch books and art supplies, her guitar following as soon as the stitches were taken out of her left arm and the edges of the wound turned pink. The scar would cut across the top of her forearm from the outside of her wrist to the inside of her elbow and Ellie was already sketching out tattoo ideas.

A month of mandatory rest allowed her time with JJ and by extension Jonesy, for which she was grateful. Naps with two of her favorite creatures were well and good, but the stillness of having to heal always got to her sooner or later. There was a listlessness she needed to avoid falling back into. The few days of independence was doing wonders for her. Being able to do things for herself and care for JJ. Even if it was something as small as cooking oats for their breakfast.

She’d never ask Dina to drop everything to care for her when she was well enough to do it herself, but she had learned to let her help when she needed it. Admitting to herself there were days she didn’t have to fight her way though alone.

Lately, her mind wandering to darkened theaters bathed in a red glow, blood pooling at her feet. Days were spent drawing, carving, and writing out her demons. Trying to forgive herself for what her hands had done. Nights were spent noodling along the frets of her guitar trying to puzzle out the song Joel was playing around the campfire. Ellie had asked if he knew she loved him, but he wasn’t real he couldn’t answer as himself. She was talking to herself through a specter. Plucking away one late evening after her lamp died out, she understand the question she had really asked Joel, was _Do I know I love myself?_

Not yet, slowly she was getting there. Dawn felt within reach. The months spent desperately sawing at the noose around her neck felt like they were finally cutting through the fibers.

For the first time in what felt like forever, the day was hers, she added the finishing strokes of chestnut brown on the adventurer’s hat she painted on the bright kelly green stegosaurus, the silly one, from JJ’s second most requested book. The head of the stegosaurus curled around the corner next to JJ’s bed.

On it’s back she had painted her son, waving with a toothy smile and a hat of his own. Stepping back to double check the shading, Ellie dipped her brush in black paint adding a few lines to draw attention to the curve of the brim. The last touch to the dinosaur mural she had been working on the past week.

She had the time to get it done without issue. Recently JJ had taken to sleeping between her and Dina now that he knew Ellie was around all the time. They allowed it for the time being, both having missed nights where it was the three of them relaxing in bed.

With some stiffness in her movements Ellie cleaned up her supplies and folded the drop cloth leaving them in the basin in the bathroom. Shutting the door behind her she headed into Dina’s room to change into a clean shirt before going downstairs one step at a time.

Robin picked up JJ two hours ago for the afternoon, so Ellie could rest without an extra set of feet walking on her kidneys. Not so subtly cataloging way Ellie grimaced when JJ twisted in her arms too quickly or the minor hitch in her gait as she walked into the kitchen to get them both a glass of water. Her hip was tender still, most of the external bruising had faded, but there was a lingering ache that Tara assured her would dissipate as time went along and with the exercises she gave her to do.

On top of the cabinet bench, below the front window, Jonesy napped in a sun beam. Ellie peered out the window to where Joel’s body laid rest. reaching down to scratch Jonesy under his chin, chuckling as he purred loudly, nudging her hand with his head as he tried to get more of her attention.

A quick trip to Joel in the warm sun shouldn’t get her in too much trouble. The quiet that lingered in the house pushed her to get out. Technically she hadn’t been given the go ahead by doctors to be out on her own, something about concussions made doctors wary. She hadn't made full recovery from her injuries, but her pain was minimal to nothing and a short walk to talk with Joel couldn’t hurt. She survived worse with less care.

The memory of her blood filling her nostrils and ears as it pattered on the dusty earth below, leaving nothing but a foreign stinging in her eyes as she hung upside down waiting to die, swirled in her mind for a second. Tapping a few chords on her arm with her fingers she put the thought behind her. Instead setting about getting her damn sneakers on, ignoring how inconvenient they were when half her body refused to fucking cooperate.

Finally tying her laces off Ellie opened the door, Dina’s muck boots drying out reminding her she wanted to check up on Old Beardy. Despite Esther promising he was doing well she wanted to see him for herself. Caught up in the thought and not expecting anyone, Ellie startled when Maria’s hand appeared in front of her body, preventing her from leaving.

Behind her Tara held a messenger bag to her side, knocking the pipes of the wind chime lightly against each other. Saluting Ellie when she noticed she stepped out of the house. “Afternoon!”

Biting her upper lip into her mouth with her teeth, Ellie half returned the salute before turning to Maria who leaned against the door frame, arms crossed. She sized up Ellie and her lip twitched upwards, almost fondly.

“Goin’ somewhere, Ellie?”

“I thought you were going to the dam?” Ellie tapped the nubs of her fingers against the flat of her palm studying Maria.

A line appeared between Maria’s brow and the fond affection slipped from the corners of her mouth. “Tommy decided he would head over there, in my place. Said there were some things needed his attention. I think he’s trying to give me a break. Those slavers have left us with a lot of work to do.”

Ellie folded her own arms and leaned on the other side of the frame, eyes cast over to the gate of the cemetery before regarding Maria. Tara popping up over her shoulder.

“Not to bother you two or anything, clearly your communication needs work, but uh. I got other appointments to get to,” Tara cocked her hip staring at Maria with open annoyance, “appointments that people actually made with me, before today.”

Maria gestured to the door, narrowing her eyes at Ellie. “You heard her.”

The two had a brief stare down, after a moment Ellie threw her hands up, turned around and walked back into the living room. She watched as Maria and Tara headed into to the kitchen. Picking up a wash rag, Maria wiped down the kitchen island drying it with a cloth before nodding her head at it a few times until Ellie got the message to sit there.

“You can’t be fuckin’ serious.”

“Running Jackson has it’s perks. Like house calls.” Maria gave Ellie a look as she helped her hop up onto the counter top. “Some of us need the peace of mind.”

Ellie swung her legs back and forth as Tara pulled out several items from the gray bag slung over her shoulder and placed them next to Ellie’s thigh. “Oh peace of mind, I though you wanted me to extract a piece of her brain. Guess I don’t need these.” She put a pair of terrifyingly large shears and some forceps back into the bag. Pulling out a small pen light, a clipboard, and ophthalmoscope.

When Ellie tamped down the fear that somehow Tara figured her immunity out, she laughed. “I fucking like you.”

“We both know I’m taken,” Tara lifted her pointer up in from of Ellie’s face. “Now, keep your head still and follow my finger with your eyes.”

Ellie followed Tara’s finger up down and to the sides, trying not to roll her eyes at how unnecessary this seemed. Satisfied with her eye movements, Tara held head still. “Look at my forehead, I’m going to shine this light in your eyes. Try not to blink.”

“Did she bully you into this?” Ellie directed her question at the yellowed bandana wrapped around Tara’s head before turning to glare at Maria. Tara gripped her chin and held her head still. “You’re becoming authoritarian leader.”

“Big word for you kid. You gonna stage a coup?” Maria challenged.

“I’m starting to think about it.” Ellie muttered under her breath, letting Tara continue to inspect her while barraging her with questions. Asking her to rate a variety of symptoms on a scale of one to ten by how recently the affected her. Followed by several more questions about how she has been managing to get around on her own, if the physical therapy helped at all. Question after question Ellie felt her irritation ratchet higher and higher. Being held constantly under their microscope made her itch to get out, she couldn’t take much more. “Is there anyway to speed this up? I have places to go.”

“And where are those places?” Maria raised a brow. “The living room?”

“Yeah and then I was going to make a pilgrimage out west for gold after. It-”

“So what happened to your fingers?” Tara cut her off, her hand light on Ellie’s left wrist. “Last time I asked you were concussed and told me a dinosaur took them.”

That checked out as something she would say. Ellie shrugged, half frowning with her answer. “They got stuck in a place they shouldn’t have been.Had to cut em off.”

The ghost of Abby’s nails scraping thin lines into her flesh, her large hands pushing against her chest and arms trying to shove her off as she pressed her full weight on to Abby’s neck to keep her under the waves. The way her once large frame felt so brittle and weak as she fought to keep herself alive, set the hair on Ellie’s arm on end. “They add character.”

“Did anyone check the residual proximal phalanx for signs of nerve damage when you first got in?”

“Should she be touching me if she just had a stroke?” Ellie half-sneered, gesturing from Tara to Maria. Who glared back at her.

“Ellie.”

“What? I’m saying none of that sounded coherent.”

“That’s just fancy talk for I just need to have you grab my fingers as hard as you can and then I’ll run the back end of this pen over your skin so I can observe your reaction.”

“Well... just say that next time.” Tara raised her hands out in front of her pointer and middle fingers pointed to the ceiling.

“Ellie, I need you to grab my fingers and squeeze as hard as you can.” She raised a brow. “And then I’ll run the back end of this pen over your skin and observe your reaction.”

The dry humor eased some of the tension that had built in Ellie’s chest and she clasped her hands around Tara’s fingers and squeezed as hard as she could. She could already feel there was a distinct difference between her grip, one that she intentionally overlooked. It had been months and she managed just fine. So what if there were a few times she forgot to tie off her tool box to her wrist and dropped it. Having it brought to her attention made her squeeze harder only stopping when she noticed the grimace of pain on Tara’s face.

“Okay next I need you to close your eyes. I’m going to run this pen cap gently over your fingers just tell me when you can’t feel it.

A second after shutting her eyes Ellie felt a light pressure along her pointer finger as it traced up her middle finger, towards the back of her hand. Without warning Tara stopped. Ellie felt her heartbeat in her throat.

“Did you stop?”

“Can you feel that?” Ellie opened her eyes to see the cap moving up and down her fingers, numbly she dropped her hand and shook her head no.

“The nerve damage in your hand is extensive. If you haven’t regained any feeling at this point there is a chance you might not ever get feeling back. However, when it comes to your grip. If you ever want to consider it, I’ve been working on some designs with Cat for some prosthesis that might aid you with certain tasks.” Tara began packing her equipment. “No pressure of course.”

“Certain tasks, is that an innuendo for something? ‘cause I don’t need all-”

“Okay!” Maria interrupted clapping her hands with an awkward shout, “Well Doc, what do you think?”

“I think she’s got a clean bill of health to leave, with assistance.” Tara amended. She helped Ellie off the island and slung her bag over her shoulder.

“Good news, kid.” Maria placed a hand Ellie’s back. “You up for a walk to my office? I have some things I want to talk over. While we’re there how you feel about getting Tommy on the radio?”

“I guess going to talk to Tommy is worth leaving the house for.”

“I can leave you here you know.”

“You could, but who knows what I’ll get up to in the living room without adult supervision”

“We’re you two always this much of a headache in the infirmary, or did I block that out for my own sanity.” Tara glanced from Maria to Ellie and the two women snorted.

Leaving a letter on the door for Robin if she ran late, Ellie and Maria parted with Tara at the bottom of the stairs. Cutting through the greenhouses, they made their way over to Maria’s main office building. Their pace was slowed significantly by the hitch in Ellie’s gait and they made easy conversation about JJ, how his sleep over the other evening at Maria’s went. Ellie grinned when Maria told her they watched _Housebreaking Rufus_ four times and that he demanded – in his little way of putting a book in your lap and not moving until you finished reading it – that she read him three books before bed. JJ was just as charming as his dad and at this rate he’ll probably out pace that charm before he turned ten.

Taking the stairs one leg at a times, into the small office building, Maria took her into a small room used for patrols and planning. Maria turned on the overhead lights, they flickered briefly before turning on with a low hum,Illuminating the old boardroom table appropriated for planning patrols. It was covered with several dozen maps of the local Wyoming wilderness, pinned to the walls there were more mapswith notes scribbled and pinned in them, and a chalk board with a timetable ready for a fresh schedule. In the cornersat a small storage of deactivated guns used for training and a stack of chairs for patrolmen to sit in during debriefs.

“We’re going to need more patrols with the expansion of territory we’re going to make. Jackson’s growing and we have more people looking to volunteer for patrols. Maria pulled down a topographical map from a shelf overflowing with notebooks and loose papers. Pressing it flat on the table. Ellie could see there were already dozens of notes in the margins, with tentative paths worked out. “I’m gonna need you to help me put together more patrol routes. If it sounds like something you’d like to do, I want train some folks. You and Esther would be in charge of that until you’re well enough to go back.”

Ellie found herself tracing a path with her finger following the river, grinning at Maria. “You know most of my plans end up with me nearly getting myself killed, right?”

“You know you’re one of the best patrolman Jackson’s had right?” Maria folded her arms the hard lines of her face easing into a look of pride.

“Khan and Wendy are a little overwhelmed right now, but they’re handling it.” Maria explained leaning over the map, “We’re thinking about adding more patrol leads to ease the workload, offer more time between runs.”

“I mean,” Ellie started, puzzling out a route out towards Jack Pine they had been thinking of heading out that way for supplies for a while now. “That would be nice. Don’t think it’ll be enough. Depending on the horde migration, but that’s not til December. We have to get defense systems running or we’re going to use a lot of ammo clearing out places we already cleared.”

Ellie tracked a finger over the map until she found the road that had been destroyed by the landslide. Picking up a pen she marked off the ravine where she had encountered the infected. Most certainly stragglers from a much larger horde. Maria chuckled and Ellie flushed when she realized she had gone on a tangent instead of answering.

Ellie knew she could still fight. Separating what she had done in Seattle from surviving had be scarily easy when she was pushed to it. Seeking such a thing out, she wasn’t sure. She peered up at Maria, “If I wanted to stay. Plan and train, not go out? What then?”

“Honestly, we could use more planning, and you’re a damn good teacher when you want be.” Maria’s whole face softened as she reached over and rubbed Ellie’s shoulder. “You are free to do whatever job you want here and if you want to pick up something else. Jackson has plenty of other options open to you. Sid needs a smithing apprentice. You can pick up maintenance shifts.” Maria snorted.“Farm rotations are always available.”  
  


“Don’t offer me my dream job on the spot.” Ellie blew a strand of hair off her face. “I’ll think about it.”

“That’s all I ask. I’ll never question your answer.” Maria pushed off the desk and thumbed over her shoulder at the door to her office “Do you want me to get Tommy on the horn or head home?”

Rising from her seat, Ellie stepped over to Maria giving her a quick side hug as they walked down the hall to Maria’s office, “We’ve put talking off long enough.”

Around Maria’s office were dozens of of boxes full of papers, a bookshelf, several hand made maps of Jackson’s territory and photos of her with various people. Dinner with Joel and Ellie, her father holding a much younger Maria to his side with a proud grin on his face, a photo of her and Esther just outside the East gate. Ellie noted it was more personally decorated in her than it was in her house.

In the middle of the room rested a massive radio on top of a large oak desk, it was much more complicated than the ones she’d seen Dina work on at home, this one was broken into three units Ellie sat in the large black swiveling chair behind it as Maria leaned over her to mess with the dial and pick up the microphone.

While Maria set up Ellie glanced around her desk. She felt her throat tighten when her eyes fell upon the carvings she sworn she threw out in Maria’s trash when she had only started learning how to whittle. A dog with deep chunks taken out of its head where she couldn’t quite get her fingers to cooperate, a basic bird-like shape, and the first giraffe she had tried to carve.

Thrown out when Joel’s voice filled her head and none of the life she had was what she hoped for. Frustrated with the way her hand couldn't grasp the blocks of wood just right she’d judge the final result harshly, there were few practice carvings left to see just how much her talents had grown.

Scattered about were dozens of hand written notes hastily scrawled on scraps of paper, a few were even little reminders to read chapters of books to help Ellie, and a yellowed page of ruled paper, half trapped under a binder, with “I think it has the potential to provide Jackson with another resource for mental well-being -D” written on it. Ellie subtly tried to inch closer to nudge the binder off before Maria swung back over and deposited the microphone on the desk. Sweeping up the letters and books, placing them on a filing cabinet behind Ellie.

“This is Maria, can someone get Tommy on? Over.” Several moments of static before a woman’s voice broke through.

“He’s making his way. Stand by. Over.” Spreading her arms a little wider to lean on the desk, Maria gave her head a little shake before straightening out. Ellie wondered when seeing her uncertain had become such a familiar sight. The static crackled and the both started as Tommy’s voice came through tinny and distant.

“This is Tommy. Didn’t expect you to want an update so quick. Over.”

“Switch to the private channel. You got ten minutes. Over.” Maria’ s response was curt as fiddled with the dial and handed Ellie the microphone.

“I’ll be back in a few, gotta go check on a dam security update from Houser.” She left briskly, shutting the door quietly behind her and Ellie was left with silence.

“Ellie? You there?” Tommy’s voice cracked and it wasn’t due to the transmission.

“Yeah, Tommy I am.” Ellie picked at the edge of a loose plate on the transmitter, her hands shook, he had the same sorrowful tone Joel did the last time they spoke. “Aren’t you a sound for sore ears.

“Kid, I know what I did was wrong and I wanted to start off by sayin’ I never should have done what-”

“Save it.” Dropping her head Ellie, bit her lip and sighed. All the conversations in her head with Tommy were filled with rage and anger. The same cycle that tore her away from Joel. “Just tell me one thing. You getting yourself right, Tommy?”

There was so much of Joel there, in his voice. They were cut from the same cloth that way, life had taken them down different paths, but anger poisoned them differently. Tommy was closer to her in that way, both of them trying to be the kind of sick Joel had been.

“I’m trying. Ellie, I’m tryna say I’m sorry.” Tommy sounded remorseful, tired, reflecting the pain of the battle his body had fought to keep him alive during their trip back from Seattle, only to have his mind turn on him. Tear him apart from the inside.

“What I’m saying Tommy,” Her voice grew hard, distant, the way it always got when her vulnerability left her feeling like a wound with no bandage. “is that I do want to see you. But,” Ellie exhaled heavily as she gripped the microphone stand until her knuckles turned white and she heard the quiet groan of plastic. “Abby is still alive. I found her and I didn’t kill her. Can you keep trying knowing that?”

There was pause. Long enough that Ellie thought Tommy had gotten up on his end and walked. She screwed her face up, breathing through her nose, trying not to let the thought that they hadn’t been as close as she assumed they were get to her. Abruptly, a sharp inhale of breath buzzed through the static and Tommy was back.

  
“I'll be honest, kid. I'd have a harder time staying right knowing you killed her. That’s not.” His voice broke, and he tried again voice thick. “That, just ain’t… ” the radio hissed, static cutting him of has he broke. A few seconds later his voice came through much firmer. “Joel would want the both of us to try.”

“He’d give us both shit if we didn’t.” Her grip on the microphone loosened and she half-smiled despite herself. “I'll talk to Maria and we'll figure out a date to talk in person. Until then Tommy, tell me how you been?”

They caught up for a few minutes, talked about the migration patterns of the infected this past season. The sign off was awkward, but Ellie felt positive they could mend in time. Boundaries had been set, and in time they might change. Maria stepped into the doorway, resting her shoulders against the wall.

Ultimately, they kept the conversation short, for their own emotional sake and because they were technically abusing Maria’s power to even have this conversation.

“How’d it go?”

“I figure we can set up a time to meet.” Ellie ran her fingers over the fronds of her fern tattoo. “He tried to say he was sorry. I want to see his face when he says it.”

“That sounds like a plan.” Maria put a hand on Ellie’s shoulder, rubbing her back lightly. “You don’t have to forgive him if you don’t want to.”

“It’s not about having to. It’s wanting to. Dina doesn’t want him around and I respect that. But Tommy. We both lost Joel, and we both. We’ve done things wrong in the past. We both got a second chance to make right in the present. I’m not gonna welcome him with open arms, but he was there until things with Abby got out of hand. He chose to leave for Seattle, and I chose to leave for Santa Barbara.”

“You asked me if he hadn’t shown up if I would have left. I’ve thought about that. Everyday I saw Joel. A cloud in the sky, a note in a song,” A _pool of blood underneath a screaming boar._ Ellie licked at the tears catching in the corner of her lips with her tongue, wiping the rest off with the back of her hand.

“I would have reached a point where everything was too much. The day I left, I had an attack so bad I put JJ in danger. Dina had to take care of me because I wasn’t taking care of myself. One way or another, I think I was looking for an excuse to leave.”

Maria stood closer and hugged Ellie tight, “I’m proud of you, Ellie. For being here. For trying. Jackson is better for it, Dina and JJ are better for it. I’m better for it.”

“You’ve done so much for me, Maria. I don’t know how to thank you.”

“You don’t have to, kiddo. But if you could stop nearly blowing yourself up, that would be appreciated.” Maria stepped out of her space, dabbing at her eyes with her thumb and forefinger. “Now lets get you home. You wanna pick lunch up on the way?

A short trip to the mess hall and Maria and Ellie made the trek back to Dina’s. Her leg had stiffened up in the chair, yet Ellie felt light enough she could run about the perimeter of Jackson just fine. When they got back in, Ellie took down the note she had left for Robin, she hadn’t returned with JJ yet and that was fine. Dropping her food off on the coffee table Ellie collapsed onto the old recliner with a grunt.

Letting out a long sigh, Ellie unwrapped her turkey sandwich, only to be interrupted by several loud knocks on the door. Ignoring the knocking, she brought the sandwich to her mouth before rapid pounding on the door made her toss her sandwich back onto the butchers paper in annoyance. With a groan Ellie hauled her self up out of the chair and stalked over to the door, wrenching it open angrily.

“I swear to god Maria. What do you want now?”

It was Barry covered in sweat and breathing heavily as though he had sprinted to get here. He stood in the doorway broad smile on his face, several cans of paint held in his hands. Judging by his maroon jumpsuit, and the way his hair had been braided and held back by a faded turquoise bandana, he had just gotten off shift and was up to no good. Probably about to propose some stupid challenge for her.

“Word on the street is that your girl is away. And when the ladies are away the other partner, shall play...aint. Plaint. Paint. Fuck I dunno you’re the one good with words.”

“Idiot, come on.” Ellie rolled her eyes, matching his grin, taking a step aside as her friend let himself in. “Dina put you up to this? I’ve been painting JJ’s room all week.”

“You started without me!?” Barry handed over a few cans of paint holding a hand to his chest dramatically, “I’m insulted you would think I had forgotten our conversation about painting a mural in JJ’s room together. And just because a kind benefactor came to me with worries about you being left alone doesn’t mean I’m here to keep you from hurting yourself doing something stupid like, I dunno, trying to leave the house on your own because you’ve been trapped inside forever.”

Shaking her head, Ellie closed the door behind him. Turning around she heard him shout from the living room.“Sweet, a turkey sandwich! My favorite!” Before she hobbled as fast as she could over to smack him in the back of the head with a pillow.

\--- --- ---

The morning of her birthday, Dina found Ellie on the floor next to JJ’s bed. Jonesy curled into her side, his purrs rumbling in her chest, her hand pressed through the slats to rest on her son’s back. Sometime after five she had awoken from a nightmare cobbled together with reality and her deepest fears like a really fucked up Frankenstein’s monster. She had stabbed the small clicker attacking her only for it to turn into JJ in her arms, a completely non fungal person.

She just wanted the comfort of his tiny back rising and falling, to calm her down and help her count her breaths as she stared up at the mural she and Barry had painted on the ceiling after her talk with Tommy.

Nine planets circled around the lamp in the middle of the ceiling, substituted for the sun. Each planet was labeled and there were flecks of white for the stars along with accurate constellations. Dina had cried at the sight when she came back from her overnight shift. They spent the night with JJ between them Ellie telling him the name of the constellation and Dina making up a story for him.

Hey eyes found the small painting of the Voyager spacecraft near where the ceiling and wall met over the door to JJ’s room. It wasn’t exceptionally detailed as paintings go, reduced to it’s antenna, dish and the housing unit for the fuel, enough there for her, Dina, and JJ to know what it was.

From her position on the floor the facsimile of the craft seemed as small and far away as the earth did when it snapped it’s most famous Family Portrait all those years ago. She wondered if it was still up there, trying to contact Earth? Earth wasn’t even a pixel in a photo at this point. The Voyager couldn’t give up it’s mission, even if Earth went dark. Only float farther and farther away in the cold emptiness of space. No one was coming to retrieve it. No one was ever going to know if it was still even transmitting.

The Earth had gone dark and yet humanity still floated on without direction in whatever ways they could. Ellie closed her eyes, exhaling low she let the feeling of JJ’s back expand and contract against her hand, matching him with each little breath letting the sensation ground her. The noose around her neck had suffocated her to the point where if she hadn’t cut herself free, she would have ended up floating away, unable to even try to contact what was left of her own humanity. Lost in thought, she let herself drift.

Some time later, two tiny hands on her stomach nudged her awake. It felt like seconds since exhaustion lapped at the back of her mind. Eroding away her fears long enough for her to sleep.

“Up, El-muh.” JJ hugged her around her neck, gripping her shirt and pulling as he bounced on her chest.

“Hey, Tater.” Ellie mumbled groggily, reaching up to hug his body to her. “S’it morning already?”

As she wrestled the rest of her body into consciousness, the light on the walls told a different story from the one they told when she closed her eyes, the pale blues and grays of the early morning transformed into bright yellows of a day fully risen. A bright patch of light blue peaking out from behind the light green curtains in JJ’s room. The dino shaped clock on his wall read eight-fifty.

JJ put a hand on her face and giggled when she blew a raspberry into his palm.

“Hey you, goobers,” Dina smiled from the door way, “Grandma Robin is here to pick JJ up.”

“It’s cause I’m too heavy, Spud.” Ellie chuckled at her own joke, JJ stared at her, putting a tiny hand on her mouth. Which was fine, he hadn’t figured out the subtle nuance of a joke yet.

Dina knelt down and brushed her lips against Ellie’s, whispering a quiet _Happy Birthday_. Ellie grinned into the kiss, before handing JJ over. Pressing him up as though he weighed ten times as much. Dina took him with a little drop to add to the effect that he was too heavy to lift, JJ yelled joyously, as this was he new favorite way of being handled.

JJ grabbed at Ellie’s face from his spot on Dina’s hip and Ellie pushed up onto her forearms to accept a wet kiss on her cheek from JJ and return it with gentle assurances of love, pressing her lips to his crown of wild hair. It was well past his ears now, curling like his mother’s, in all sorts of crazy directions like his father’s. She pushed her own hair back behind her ear to cross her eyes and stick her tongue out at her little spud, his happy peals of laughter disappearing down the hall as Dina took him downstairs, Jonesy on her heels. Resting back down on the floor again, Ellie closed her eyes. They’d both need haircuts soon.

Her son would need a haircut. The thought ran into her like an errant bloater in a hotel.

She would be around to see it. And a million of his other firsts. The first time he reads on his own, the first time he goes to class… the first time he kills. There was an inevitability that she couldn’t protect him from everything only prepare him for and hope for the best. But she would be there for all of it. Help him through the highs and lows of living in a world that does not care.

And yet, here she was, heart pounding away in her chest, as she thought about all the firsts she would be alive for. Absently she ghosted the pads of her fingers over the chemical burn on her arm. Dipping into the crater of skin where the worst of the bite had been burned away, hidden under moth wings.

Trailing her fingers down the frond of ferns, slipping down to her pulse. She stayed there, counting out the beats of her heart until Dina padded into the room, silently stretching herself on the floor next to Ellie, shoulders touching. They lay there for sometime, Dina’s gentle voice eventually breaking the quiet morning atmosphere.

“Wanna tell me why you were sleeping on the floor in our son’s room?”

“His ceiling is really cool.”

Dina rolled onto her side, her hand reaching out to turn Ellie’s head to face her, “Please don’t shut me out.”

“He’s just so big and still so little. He can sleep on his own now, but he still needs us for so much.” “One day he’s gonna be just like you, like Jesse, and he’s going to be smart and strong and he’ll hold his own in life.”

“One day he is going to be just like you and he is going to be a shit. He is also going to be thoughtful and caring.”

“And he can get infected. Like you, like Jesse.” Ellie took Dina’s hand into her own. “But not like me.”

“Ellie,” Dina’s forehead creased, her small smile slipping, “you know that’s not fair to say.”

“My friend once told me that leaving the QZ, leaving safety… It was just a different way to die. That all roads lead to the same end.” Ellie covered Dina’s hand with her incomplete one. Staring back up towards the map of stars overhead, finding the two stars that represented Orion’s shoulders. The memory of Joel’s eyes dimming as they lost their light, seized her tongue for a moment, “And she’s right, but she also told me. That there are a million ways we could die before today, before tomorrow. As long as we’re alive we have to fight for those moments we still have. Riley, she uh, the day she died… we decided to wait it out knowing things were shit. I think she was being brave cause it was the end for us.”

Dina flipped her hand, entwining their fingers. Her thumb rubbed at Ellie’s knuckles, the sensation disappearing over her ring and pinky knuckles. Ellie tried not to dwell on the disconnect as she pressed on.

Sucking in a deep breath, the last image of her best friend hung over her vision. Riley’s form hunched over and feral, eyes oozing blood and puss. Her shoulders smashing against shelves of discarded Halloween props as she fought for control of her limbs. The way she outstretched a trembling hand and begged in a croaky voice, Ellie’s name one last time before succumbing to the fungus; as Ellie, scared, remained painfully human ran and locked Riley in with the rest of the horrors. “If she hadn’t told me to fight, gave me the choice to die or survive for another few hours just to live. I-I’d have been dead. Bullet in the head and no one would have had any hope for a vaccine.”

“Ellie, you were never meant to be a vaccine. You’re a person.” Dina squeezed her hand gingerly. “You have purpose in my life, in JJ’s.”

“Jackson wasn’t my first stop when I came back from the beach.” Ellie blurted out. Trying to get the truth out while her mouth was working with her. “I stayed at the farm. When got back I was done waiting to die, I guess.” Torn between the truth and hiding from herself, Ellie licked her lips unable to meet the steady gaze Dina sent her way. “I stayed there after – after I tried to kill myself.

If it weren't for the slight flare of her nostrils and the dark dilation of her pupils, Ellie wouldn’t have been able to tell Dina heard her. So she pressed on.

“Joel told me once it wasn’t an easy way out and he was right.” The memory of long decayed flesh sloughing off rope at her touch roiled her stomach still. “I found a noose out there in the woods, it felt like some twisted providence. It snapped under my weight.”

“Ellie.” Her own name left Dina’s mouth hit her cheek like the ghostly caress of the wind on a summer’s night. Sweet and warm.

“I almost didn't come back.” Her hands wrapped tighter around Abby’s throat, the noose around her own neck cinching tight enough to white out her vision on the beach. That flash of memory of Joel, spared her, cut her down. Saved her from becoming something more terrible than she ever thought possible. “I almost didn't come back. At all.”  
  


“To Jackson?” Dina questioned her as if she was holding a baby sheep, maybe she was.

  
“No. I almost didn’t come back to myself.” Ellie turned her head towards Dina. “Deep down I think I knew you and JJ left. I kept thinking I would be able to wear you down. That no matter how bad I got you'd stay, but it's like you said in the synagogue.” Hand shaking she traces over the furrow of Dina’s brow, down the bridge of her nose towards the slope of her cheek. Cupping her jaw for a moment before dropping her hand to her stomach.

“You come from a long line of survivors, and you survive Dina, because you’re so god damn determined to. I walked out into the woods by our house. Kept going, until I couldn’t walk. I don’t know when wanting to die turned into deciding to die. I couldn't survive with what I'd done, to Jesse, to Joel, to Tommy, to JJ, to you. In that moment, I wanted an out from all the pain I caused. From all the pain I couldn’t spare the world from. Death was always supposed to be my forgiveness.”

Patiently, Dina waited. Eyes flicking back and forth between her own. Ellie wasn’t sure what she was observing, the scrutiny reaping a deeper guilt than the guilt she sowed. Ellie had to glance away, knuckling at her brow with her fist.

“This sounds like I’m blaming you, fuck. I’m not trying to. I didn’t think about what I’m saying.”

Fingertips moved her head back down to meet Dina’s eyes, rich and full of love still. “El, you have been through so much. Pushed to points no one, especially a fucking kid should ever have to go to.”

“You’re better at this than I could ever be. You always did what was right for you. I kept inside all the time until I’d dump it on you during the most inconvenient times. I poisoned you.” Ellie’s bottom lip trembled and she bit it to stop it from spreading to the rest of her body. “I get it now. I needed to be better for myself first.”

“I finally read a few of your journals. You were in the clinic and I didn’t know if… ” A wet, shaky exhale cut Dina’s words off as the deep lines of worry found their way to her forehead. Shutting her eyes for a moment Dina collected herself allowing Ellie to wonder what the fuck good she had done to deserve the love of such a strong, resilient, kind woman. Who gave so much of herself to others with little return. Fiercely joyful and so full of life. “I know you don’t blame me. You blame yourself for everything. Yes you did terrible things, but not every terrible thing the world has thrown at you is your load to bear. You don’t need to hang yourself for the world’s failure.”

Ellie swallowed, her words caught in a suddenly dry section of her throat. Sitting up panic spilled like molten ore from her mouth burning her as it left. “I was going to tell you. I didn’t know how. I couldn’t even tell Maria. I didn’t know how to ask what I should do. I was hoping maybe if you read the other journals before you got to that one, we’d talk and I could. Fuck. I don’t know. There is so much I’ve done I don’t know how to talk about.”

“I’ve done my far share thing of fucked up shit too,” Dina placed a hand on her knee, squeezing in a rhythmic pattern. “Shit I haven’t told anyone. You don’t owe me the parts of your past you aren’t comfortable sharing.”

Ignoring Dina’s out, Ellie continued caught up in her wave of self-hatred, “There are a lot of things… how could you want me around you? Around JJ? After what I’ve done.”

“I’ve told you, Ellie. And I’ll keep telling you- I’ve seen what you’re capable of. I’m not going to be scared away.”

“I killed a pregnant woman.” She spoke fast and bitter, shoving the words out her mouth, trying to prove she had no worth. The kind parts of herself receded inward, watching Dina’s face from a sunken place inside her soul as Dina remained passive. “She was far along, the baby would have been a little older than JJ is now.”

“Ellie, stop.” Dina sat up and put a hand on her arm that had begun trembling. Ellie stilled, swallowing as Dina held her face. “Stop. What you did is over.”

“It’s over, but it won’t go away.” Ellie tried to find purchase in her own broken logic. “What if I hurt you or JJ or I forget where I am and… you left a note in my studio and I hurt you both.”

“Then we will deal with it when we face it, remember. Until then, we can’t wait around until bad things happen. Forgive yourself.” Dina held Ellie’s chin in her hand. “I can’t forgive you any more than I already have. Neither can Maria or Robin. Let yourself have things that make you happy. You won’t ruin them.”

“I had you and JJ and I ruined that, made you feel like you weren’t enough.” Ellie chewed on her cheek tucking her head away from Dina who pulled her face back towards her, lips pursed.

“Whatever note you found, that wasn’t meant to be seen. I wrote a bunch of notes in anger the night I left with JJ. When we went back, I thought I got rid of them all. I wanted to hurt you the night I left, but when I went back. I just wanted to forget. I couldn’t, not you.”

Despondently, Ellie acknowledged Dina’s words by meeting her gaze.

“We’re a team. You work with me. Talk to me. And I’ll do the same.” Dina traced a hand, light around Ellie’s throat. Her tears falling onto the soft cotton of her shirt. “We have to talk. I don’t ever want you to feel you need to leave like that again. If I lost you that way…”

“You won’t,” Ellie promised, scooting herself closer, as a tear slowly broke free from her eye. “Not like that. Never.”

“I went to your house to check on Jonesy. Your journals were where you left them out for me still. I didn’t know if that was going to be all I had left of you. I skimmed and…” Dina’s eyes watered further as she choked back a sob. “I’m sorry, Ellie. For taking you away from help, from taking us away from help. I’m sorry I’ve been making things harder for you lately. I thought I was okay, but everything with Tommy made me realize I have so much more to work on.”

“You set boundaries and I followed them as best I could. How I respond isn’t your responsibility, it’s mine. I think we both tend to apologize for things outside our control.” Scoffing dismissively as if to argue, Dina pulled at her lips with her free hand. Suddenly it was easier for Ellie to step back from the edge of her own precarious mind games and focus on this moment shifting towards a brighter pathway between them. Ellie took Dina’s hand in her own, tilting her body lower to meet Dina halfway and continued.

“Yeah. Yeah. We both have a lot we’re sorry for, but we’re working on it. That’s what you said right?” Dina nodded, filling Ellie with more hope then she ever dared have in her life. “Sorry doesn’t mean much without change. We can say it but it’s means nothing without action. You don’t have to carry everything. We _are_ a team. A mighty good one some would say.”

“I'm gonna do my damnedest to never leave you again,” She kissed Dina’s nose before resting their foreheads together. “Whatever happens, I’m right here with you. When you go outside these walls it makes me anxious that I'm not there with you. I trust that you'll come back to me, and if you don't. I trust that you will keep yourself alive until I can find you. I trust that if I get lost, I can keep myself alive until you find me.”

Dina sniffed, wiping her forefinger and thumb at her eyes. “Who are you and what have you done with Ellie?”

Ellie wiggled the fingers of her left hand between them, “I’m actually a clone created by SPARK. You can tell because they forgot to finish my hand.”

“I worry about you.”

“It’s in your blood, yeah?” Ellie leaned in watching Dina’s face for assent, and when she found it, she kissed her as gently as she could ever recall doing.

The slow exhale of grief replaced with an inhale of love as their lips pressed together once more. A hand threaded into the loose waves of her hair and she pulled back, the freckles on Dina’s face growing focused as she pulled away with a smile Dina returned tenfold. They rested their heads together for a moment more, soaking each other, all of each other, in.

“C’mon, there is something out back I want to show you.” Dina said, holding her hand out with a few grabbing motions.

Ellie took Dina’s hand and let her haul them up into a standing position. They walked through the house, lightly swatting and shoving each other. Socked footfalls and the occasional giggle the only sounds that cut through the quiet. Dina toed her boots on and Ellie not bothering to struggle her sneakers on, stripped off her socks and threw them onto the rack next to the door. Shrugging when Dina gave her decision a judgmental once over. Dina rolled her eyes, grabbing Ellie’s hand and leading them towards garage.

Walking through the dry grass of the yard towards her old residence, Ellie’s hand trembled a little in Dina’s. When they reached the door Dina turned to face her.

“Do you trust me?”

“I dunno. Did you turn my old place into a kill shack?” Ellie placed her hands on Dina’s hips and swayed them in place.

“What, no. Where the fuck do you get these ideas?” Dina asked incredulously.

“I blame 80’s horror movies.” Ellie swayed them closer to the door. “Is it an arcade?”

“No?”

“Is there a dinosaur in there?” Dina clamped a hand over Ellie’s mouth.

“You can shut up now. Close your eyes.” Ellie complied, partially. She raised her eyebrows enough to see a thin line of light. “All the way, El.”

“This is all the way.” Her words muffled by the hand on her mouth licking Dina’s palm. She grinned as Dina muttered something about Ellie being a child, before covering her eyes with her spit covered hand causing Ellie to groan. She really should have predicted that would backfire.

After a moment she heard the sound of her old door creaking open and she was led inside by a gentle hand pushing at her back. “That’s the way my face is Dina, my eyes naturally look half open jeeze.”

The door closed behind her and Ellie was hit with a sweet pungent smell.

“What have you been doing in here? It smells like Eugene’s sex dungeon.” Dina snorted from somewhere to her right. “Did you get me a sex dungeon?”

“I mean, it can be. Happy Birthday, babe.” Dina uncovered her eyes and Ellie’s jaw went slack from the shock. The windows had been blacked out for a reason, Dina had overhauled her old place in to a condensed version of what Eugene accomplished in the library.

Along the far wall Dina lined up several small work benches to make one long bench. Above them attached to the rafters hung bright lights that shown down into several clear tents. Each with a green plant or grouping of seedlings inside. Ellie went over and brushed her hand along the plastic material as she paced from one side of the room to the other where dozens of clipped buds hung upside down over the kitchenette to the back corner where several boxes of empty mason jars sat.

“Wait, this is my gift? I don’t know the first thing about growing weed. Just smoking. And even then some would argue I don’t know the first thing about that either.”

Dina chuckled. “That’s why I’m growing it for you.” She waltzed over to the bench and gestured to the table. “Each of these strains here has some medicinal property. PTSD, anxiety, You don’t have to help me grow it, you can just smoke it. If this helps, Jackson is going to have a new section in the greenhouse.”

“Holy shit, you put this together for me?” Ellie’s eyes widened in awe. “I mean it’s no arcade, but...why? Maria is gonna flip her shit if she finds out.”

“She can’t flip her shit over something she approved.” Dina said confidently. Her eyes flashing with that mischievous cunning Ellie had missed, almost overwhelming her more than the shock of Dina’s statement. “She'll let me get away with anything if it's for you.” Dina tapped a foot on the ground, not looking at Ellie.

“I can’t believe you convinced Maria, makes sense she’d say yes to you.” Ellie touched a hand to Dina’s back. “I don’t think I can smoke all of this though.”

“Well, some of this is for you, some of this technically for Jackson.” She pointed at the plants hanging above on the rafters. “Some of this is pain management. Much better than expired supplements and pain pills I’d say. We’ll be working with Tara and Peter over at the clinic and Martin and Gloria in the greenhouse to make enough to distribute. Medicinally, for now.”

Ellie walked over to the nearest plant and ran a thumb over a leaf, letting her fingertips gently balance a bud. Sticky resin coming off the plant. She stared at Dina, mouth slightly agape in awe.

Dina kept her attention on the plants and asked. “You like it?”

“Yes. This is insane. How did you grow all this?”

“Luck.”

Dina walked over to a heavy wooden desk next the kitchenette. Pulling a few cardboard boxes out from underneath it and putting them on top. The weight of the boxes thudded against the table top and Dina removed stacks upon stacks of books and notes.

“I remembered him telling me once while we were fixing up the lights over in the lookout that he liked to smoke because it helped him sleep when some of the real dark shit he did in the past kept him up. Which sounds familiar.” Dina faced away from Ellie as she put aside a few thick manila folders to thumb through a massive three ringed binder. “Eugene was interested in growing some strains that help with depression and PTSD as well as other medical conditions. There was a lot of research being done pre-outbreak and he wanted to provide both recreational and medicinal plants for himself and Jackson. These are a fraction of his notes.”

Dina handed over the black three ring binder. Ellie opened it, impressed with the enormity of what Eugene had accomplished. Notes in Eugene’s near incomprehensible scrawl took up pages and pages and pages on both sides. Even the margins. The pockets at the front and back, burst with loose notes hastily written on napkins and seed packets.

“He stored a bunch of seeds before he died. Most of them were shit by the time I got to them, didn’t last past the sprouting stage. Then one day before the fall harvest, these folks came through looking for him, said they had parts he was looking for so Maria sent them to me, turns out he had ordered a bunch of seeds and whatnot from these guys in return for fixing up some of their hydroponics. They gave them to me along with some extra notes.”

Ellie read a few of Eugene’s notes. Time tables for growth patterns and weird names like, Alaskan Thunder Fuck and Red Headed Stranger. Chuckling at this strange lonely man’s weird expression of creativity, she handed the binder back over to Dina who put it back on top of all the other notes.

“Bonus to living next to the greenhouses is that Martin is close enough to help me figure this out and take care of the room while I’m on duty. That’s his plant over there.” Dina pointed towards a large plant, taller than JJ, with dozens of flowering buds. “I convinced Maria to let me see if this helps you and a few other people with chronic pain.  I know Maria has been paranoid about introducing weed into Jackson, but I think if this works it could really help people.

“How long?”

“I had the stuff before you showed up but, I’ve been working on this since you came back. As mad as I was I wanted to turn this into something that could help you and also help others. Eugene would have liked for this to happen, I think.”

“Holy shit, babe. You did all of this!?” Ellie crowed, over come with pride she picking Dina up and twirled them before her hip and lower back twinged in pain and she dropped Dina on her feet just as fast as she picked her up.

“Ow, ow, fuck. That was stupid.” Ellie whined, clutching her back and leaning on Dina for support.  
  


“What did Tara say, no heavy lifting? I think that’s a sign you’re not yet healed” Shaking her head Dina turned to walk away. Ellie dropped her hands to her hips, slotting Dina against her front, and kissed her shoulder, earning herself a light swat on her thigh. “Good thing I had the foresight to grow a few strains for _my sweet dumbass hurt herself_ related pain management.”

  
“You’re not heavy” Ellie insisted as she kissed her way up Dina’s neck from her shoulder, moving her hands to the front of Dina’s waist, finding her shirt had rode up a little. “’M out of practice.” 

  
“Go rest on the couch, Ellie.” Ignoring the disgruntled tone in Dina’s voice, Ellie continued her travels up Dina’s skin. Resting a palm against Dina’s stomach as she kissed behind the shell of her ear, enjoying the way Dina shuddered in her hands.

  
Leaning  forward,  Dina nudg ed  E llie away  with her  backside ,  facing her  the quirk of her  l ips betray ed her voice’s st ern nature. “G o.” 

An old maroon couch covered in blankets and little burn marks replaced he much nicer futon. Ellie fell back onto it, stretching her arms over the back of the couch and resting her feet on the rough wooden slab on four milk crates that acted as a coffee table. Dozens of match books were scattered over the top, placed around a few ashtrays with burnt matches and finished joints in them, sat the bong Eugene had gifted Dina, and to Ellie’s great amusement, his old bong mask.

She watched Dina from her place on the couch, “I don’t know if I have to _weed-_ le you to get a taste of the fruits of your labor but, I’m told I’m quite the flatterer.”

Dina gave her a slow once over that scattered tingling heat throughout Ellie’s limbs, before meeting her gaze with a devilish smirk, placing a hand on Ellie’s ankles and shoving her feet off the table. “You’re a riot. I can't believe I grew all this for you.”

  
Ellie half-shrugged,  “ You and me both, babe.”

  
Dina put the binder down on the table. Sauntering over to the kitchenette. Ellie followed her movements, mesmerized by the pendular sway of her hips. The creak of a cabinet barely distracting enough to draw her attention upwards. Pulling down a mason jar of joints Dina turned with a smirk on her face.

“You gonna stop being a perv?”  


“Have you seen you?” Dina laughed as Ellie stretched out over the couch. “Can you really blame me?

“Think you can handle this?” She held the jar aloft, lowering her gaze to Ellie’s.

“Pfft, of course.”

“Go on then.” Dina tossed the jar at Ellie, who nearly fell off the couch as she frantically dove forward to stop the jar from shattering on the ground, fumbling it a few times, before barely catching it and pulling it to her chest looking at Dina incredulously. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”  
  


Dina smirked and shrugged. “S mooth recovery.” 

Grabbing a matchbox off the table, Dina sat down on the opposite side of the couch and watched as Ellie opened the mason jar with a satisfying pop.

“See, I got it.” Ellie proclaimed, pulling out a joint out to hand it over to Dina. She shook her head and brought the joint to Ellie’s lips, hovering close enough to strike a match on the thigh of Ellie’s jeans and light the joint. Ellie inhaled slowly, carding her hands through Dina’s hair and bringing their lips together and exhaling the lungful of smoke into her mouth. They pulled apart and Ellie took another hit as Dina leaned back on the other side of the couch, taking the joint from Ellie when she passed it to her.

“Pfft.” Ellie snorted. The haze of weed making things light in a way she thought she’d never get to experience again.

“What?”

“The first time we get Spud high he’s gonna be a _baked_ potato.”

“Oh fuck, he is.” Dina’s smile wide, easy like when they were younger. “I hope he can _chive_ with that nickname.”

“And so the monster attacks it’s creator.” Ellie clenched her heart and pretended she had been shot.

They sat across from each other taking in each other presence, enjoying the quiet calm that had spread over them. Dina tucked her feet under Ellie’s thighs, passing the joint back over. Ellie caught her eye and held it until Dina tucked her head in shy and unsure in a way she hadn’t seen since the last time they smoked weed.

“What?” Dina wiggled her toes against Ellie’s thigh and Ellie jerked them away. Tossing one leg over the back of the couch, the other foot going to the floor. Dina shoved at her leg with an annoyed grunt passing the joint back over with a smirk. “You’re looking at me weird.”

“Five.” Ellie stated, taking a long, slow hit off the joint exhaling casually over her shoulder.

“Five?” Dina stared in confusion, Ellie licked her lips idly, Dina’s eyes watched her tongue dart out, growing darker at the movement.

“Mmhmm.” Ellie hummed the affirmative before she pulled herself into a more normal sitting position, leaning even closer to Dina and held the joint out. “That day I was feeling generous, and I rounded up from a four point five.”

“Four point five?” Indignant realization hit Dina, her eyes comically wide before she scoffed, viciously poking at Ellie’s shoulder. “Four point five! You gave our kiss a fucking four point five!?”

“Ow, hey! I warned you!” Ellie coughed her way through a laugh as the smoke curled in her lungs. She hit her chest a few times, teary-eyed she blinked until Dina’s furious look was less blurry. “You wouldn’t wanna know.”

“You’re an ass, you know that right?” Dina threw a box of matches at her face which Ellie managed to dodge, the world moving unhurried around them. She picked up her own box to retaliate and Dina snapped a hand out to grab them before Ellie could launch her counterattack.

“Takes one to know one.” Angling just out of reach, Ellie held the box over her head. “We’re both real _ash_ -holes.”

The weed made her limbs feel heavy in the best way. Dina bright and vibrant across from her body. Alive. They’re both alive and they’re fixing what was broken. A deep appreciation for what they have settled in Ellie’s chest and spread to the grin on her face.

After wresting the box out of Ellie’s grip Dina grabbed her by the collar and kissed her before leaning back. “I guess we have to change that rating.”

“I dunno, a six is kinda hard to beat.” Ellie stalked closer on the couch bracing one arm on the back and bringing the joint to Dina’s mouth, before taking another hit herself. Ease curled around her limbs as she went to free her hand of the joint fingers poised to flick it towards the sink. Dina swatted at her arm.

“You are not about to carelessly throw away half of a joint are you?” Ellie faltered, sheepishly bringing her shoulders to her ears. Dina never broke eye contact, plucking the joint from her hands and carefully tamping it out in the tray. “That's what the ashtray is for, you heathen.”

Ellie grabbed Dina by the thighs and tipped her back onto the pile of blankets they had been sitting on. Laughing as Dina pitched over with and undignified yelp.

Ellie swung a leg over Dina’s hips trapping them to the couch. With her left hand she pinned Dina’s hands over head. The other braced against the back of the couch to hold herself up.

“Look, I don’t even need all my fingers.”

“Really? That’s crass?

Ellie balked, thinking of some of the things Dina had moaned into her ears late at night in the months on the farm after they returned to Jackson. “You practically invented crass. Where do you think I learned it from?”

Unprepared for the speed with which Dina flipped them Ellie found herself pressed into the back of the couch. Cupping the back of Ellie’s head and taking a handful of hair in her fist with a light tug Dina brought her face close. Ellie couldn’t help the groan that left her mouth at the action. Dina started to kiss her way up Ellie’s neck, all coherent thoughts began to fade faster than sundown on a winter’s evening.

“This okay?” Dina mumbled into the crook of her neck and Ellie almost forgot how to move, let alone speak, barely able to nod and whimper out a yes.

Humming her confirmation, Dina slid a hand underneath Ellie’s Dr. Star t-shirt, palming her breast. Leaning up with a wicked smile as Ellie grunted into her mouth, arching at the touch. The motion rucked her shirt up enough for Dina to catch her new scar on her stomach. Her stitching had been shit at best. Rushed so no time was lost to the pursuit of Abby. In the lighting, against her pale skin the scar looked like the ridge of the Appalachian mountains crossing the plains of her oblique.

With careful hands Dina hiked the shirt further up, her lips thinned as she studied the unfamiliar patch of raised skin. Ellie had the thought once that as long as she kept getting hurt there would always be something new for Dina to learn about her body. Stilling her body, Ellie held her breath to allow for Dina to cautiously run her hand up her side cataloging all the nicks and divots she couldn’t see, reading Ellie’s body by touch.

Ellie felt trepidation drift off her in waves and she wrapped Dina’s hand in her own over the scar, “We’re scar twins now I guess.”

“What happened?”

“Ah, funny story. When I went out to California, I found a skateboard.” She swallowed the sensation of being lifted up in the air by one foot causing her to shudder. “And then it shot right out from under me and I landed on my knife.”

“Oh, fuck you.” The smack of Dina’s fist against her bicep echoed in the small room drowning out Ellie’s indignant shout of pain. “Will you ever just tell me a real fucking story?”

“It is real. Just replace skateboard with slaver trap and knife with a tree branch that was way too sharp for my own good.”

Dina pressed her lips to the scar and rolled her eyes, “Is this really what you see as pillow talk?”

“Is it working?” Ellie pushed them until they were sitting up, half to let her shirt fall back over her stomach and hide her scar and half to give Dina an out if she’d made it too weird.

The tender way Dina watched her face hit Ellie at her core, her eyes openly reverent it almost felt like too much. “Yeah. Yeah it is.”

Gently, Dina pulled Ellie’s shirt back up, just below her chest, drawing her into a quick kiss. “Fuck, El. I knew maintenance was working for you.” She blew out a heavy breath of air as she dragged her nails over Ellie’s stomach. “Shit. You really filled out.”

Ellie huffed a small laugh into Dina’s neck before nipping at her jaw. “Are you calling me fat?”  
  
“No, I'm saying. Fuck, Ellie,” Dina’s eyes roved down her front with intent. “You were so thin after… everything. It’s nice to see that you've been eating.” Her arms dangled over Ellie’s shoulders, hands gripping at the muscles of her back, encircling her in a loose hug. “The effects of hard labor are just a bonus.”

Dina dragged her nose over Ellie’s cheek until her mouth reached the shell of her ear, the tip of her nose a hot brand on Ellie’s skin. “I mean I figured you put on some muscle when I watched you lift and run with two eight year old kids casually on your shoulder at JJ’s birthday, but fuck El, this is doing it for me. I wanna see you.”

Heat flared along Ellie’s limbs and her heart thumped hard and wild in her chest. She could feel the hairs on her arms and neck rise at the way Dina bit her lip as she let her gaze slowly travel over Ellie’s body like she was stalking a deer.

Dina was always much better at using words to get what she wanted. Ellie tried to keep pace, yet it always ended with her launching into action when she ran out of things to say. Though not before she bought herself some time by being a little shit. As Dina leaned in to kiss her, Ellie tipped her head back out of range, with a lopsided grin. “I mean, as long as you haven’t gone blind in three seconds, you’re seeing me right now.”

“Insufferable.” Dina whispered, simultaneously grazing her teeth over Ellie’s neck and grabbing the hem of Ellie’s shirt to pull it up over her head. Tossing the shirt somewhere next to the couch, she kissed the scar on Ellie’s stomach, before gently coaxing Ellie to flip over, easing her until she lay face down on the couch, back exposed.

Dina continued, kissing between her shoulder blades and down her spine before dragging blunt fingernails down her sides.

Ellie groaned involuntarily, when Dina pressed her palms into the muscle of her lower back in circular motions, varying the size and pressure with each pass. Dina paused in her ministrations, shifting back a top the back of Ellie’s thighs, quickly returning to cover Ellie’s back with her body.

Ellie shuddered when she realized Dina had taken her shirt off, her chest pressed against her, warm and welcoming. She could feel the thin circle of metal of Dina’s necklace held between them. She hadn’t taken the ring off since the hospital and Ellie was unsure of what that meant, but it gave her an excuse every time Dina had caught her staring at her chest.

Dina ground down on her backside suggestively, voice husking low in her ear from behind,“When you left last month, this is more of what I had in mind when you said ‘half later’.”

Ellie could feel the dangerous spark of Dina’s confidence lighting her up like kerosene. Waiting a beat, then two, just long enough for Dina to grow exasperated at her stillness, Ellie pushed herself up, lifting Dina with her. Twisting around until Dina was back underneath her, eyes dark as pitch, taking all of Ellie in, as her hands wandered over coiled muscle.

“Well, you’re here,” Ellie folded herself over Dina’s body, holding her down by her chest as she brushed her lips over Dina’s pulse priding herself in the little kick in it’s flutter as she did. “And I’m here, aren’t I?” She kissed the mole under Dina’s left ear and whispered, “So are you gonna pay up or not?”

Dina moved, fast as a striking rattlesnake, hands snapping out to unbutton Ellie’s jeans. Tugging them and her underwear down until Ellie had to stand up and ungraciously kick them off the rest of the way. Dina shucked her own pants off tossing them somewhere over her shoulder. Rising to meet Ellie, she nipped along her neck. Ellie groaned, her hands fumbling as Dina moved, biting hard enough to mark her chest. Pressing them into the worn cushion, Ellie mentally patted herself on the back as Dina choked out her name when Ellie’s thigh parted her legs enough for her to find relief upon.

There was a point Ellie waited for where she would be struck to stone. Gripped by the same ghosts that sent her reeling back against walls, blankly staring at her hands covered in phantom gore only her eyes could perceive. Waiting for the second, this body, alive under her hands, would grow cold and lifeless.

But those fears were cast away quickly, not when Dina thrived against her skin, pliant underneath her touches. Her sighs keening high into the rafters, settling low in the pit of Ellie’s stomach. Dina held her by the hips, keeping Ellie close, encouraging her to ease the pressure that sparked along her spine. for all the killing her hands had done she found herself staring into dark depths Dina’s eyes knowing they were still capable creating of such beauty. She could paint canvases just as pretty as she could paint the walls of this room with Dina’s sweet sounds when she dipped two fingers inside her and let out a keening cry so loud, Ellie wondered if they heard it over at the green house. 

The last few times they fooled around had been marred by injury both internal and external. Whether this rapid progression was due to the weed or the way it mirrored this first time or both Ellie was unsure. She was only sure that she loved Dina and Dina loved her and this was only the beginning of their new life. Time apart had not swayed them and though they had changed and grown and become new versions of themselves, in the cocoon of intimacy they still knew each other. Here they were, both alive, surely that was worth celebrating.   


There was time, it was certain, they took hold of the moment together. Working each other up in equal measure. Ellie felt something build inside of her and she desperately grasped for Dina’s hand, placing it on her own chest, as they rocked together. She wove her left hand between their bodies to Dina’s sternum. Her heart beating strong and steady against Ellie’s hand, matching the intensity of the beat in her own chest making her whole.

When coherent speech devolved to frantic babbling between them, the twin erratic beats in their chests spoke for them. Chanting _I'm her_ _e._ _I'm here. I'm staying, I'm staying._ with each pump of blood until Ellie grunted out hard against her peak. Dina tumbling over with a shuddering moan shortly after.

For longer than she could remember, Ellie felt lost. Drifting from orbit she observed life from her module. Calculating trajectories of those around her, hoping one day she could walk on the surface.

Man had landed on the moon six times, watching Dina return to herself – just enough to reach for Ellie once more – hungry and open, in her arms, panting words of approval against her body, felt like another touchdown on the moons surface. Gravity forgotten they drifted slowly, tethered only to each other by the sweat on their skin and the stroke of their hands until they coalesced and Ellie swore she smelled gunpowder.

They came back to Earth together. Grinning and giggling into each other's mouths as they kissed. Ellie felt Dina’s legs quake next to her and her own might have been made of sand for all she knew. Eventually they calmed enough rolling over on the couch to face one another. Ellie tucking her arm behind Dina’s head, using her left hand to brush away a stray curl of hair that escaped Dina’s loose ponytail before pushing her own hair, tangled with sweat, off her own face.  
  
“I guess it's been a while for both of us then?” Dina asked, shakily. She covered her forearm over her eyes, and Ellie admired a few on the light bruises around her neck.  
  
“No one since you.” Ellie’s answer was raw as she kissed a particularly red and angry looking mark.  
  
Dina uncovered her face and brought her hand to Ellie’s jaw. Smug as ever she pulled Ellie’s face up to kiss her, “Can't blame you it would only be disappointing.”  
  
Nudging Dina’s forehead with her own, Ellie scoffed, “Ow wow. Someone’s a bit full of themselves.”  
  
“I'd like to be full of you right now.” Dina waggled her brows, her hand dragging over Ellie’s hip before cupping her thigh to thumb at the raised scar tissue there.  
  
“You're weird.”  
  
“You love it.”

“I kinda do. Does that make me weird?” They laughed, Ellie trailing off into sobriety, curious. “When, was the uh, the last time you uh?

“Fucked someone?” Ellie groaned at the cavalier answer, rolling over to drape herself akimbo over Dina and tuck her face in between her breasts inhaling the smell of sweat and soap. “Aside from a few lonely nights with myself, I haven't been with anyone since you.”  
  


“You could have if you wanted.” Ellie mumbled. “I would have understood.”

  
“It wasn’t like I was trying to get laid. After I got hurt, Talia tried to set me up on dates while she was here, but I never went on one.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t think I could have been with someone when all I could think of was you.”

Ellie brought a hand up and pulled on the leather cord around Dina’s neck until the ring sat flat against her breastbone. She fingered the ring on the cord, mesmerized by how the silver complemented Dina’s flushed complexion.

“You weren't gonna propose with that were you?”

Ellie shook her head, eyes narrowing as she chewed on her lip, “Rings are a danger. Gives someone a reason to hurt you at a glance.”

  
“Everything is a danger. Doesn't mean we shouldn't have things.” Dina carded her hand through Ellie’s hair. Cautiously, Ellie placed a kiss over Dina’s heart and sighed.  
  


“Is that something you'd wanna have with me? After everything? We never talked about it, before.”  
  


“I'm still here aren't I?” Dina shifted so she could peer into Ellie’s eyes. “It is. Not right now. Maybe one day. When we’re both ready for something like that. Even if we don’t label it, I’d still be happy.”

  
“You’ve thought about it?”

  
“I haven't stopped since the first night we kissed.”

  
“Hmm, that so?” Ellie made note of this new information in the back of her mind, and dipped lower, mouthing hot kisses on Dina’s stomach earning her a half-hearted shove. “I’ve thought about what it’d be like to fuck in space. To get there you’d need a lot of thrust.”

“More? You’re incorrigible,” Dina froze when Ellie’s lips brushed against the long ragged mark over her ribs.

Ellie shifted, watching Dina’s eyes dart around the ceiling above. She pressed a kiss to her sternum. Fingers moving in soothing patterns, just below the scar.

“Can I ask about this one now?” Dina held her gaze, lips thinning. Her hand found Ellie’s and she squeezed it lightly.

“That patrol I talked about?” Ellie hummed for her to continue, remembering the conversation. “After Jackie was shot, I was too. Bullet grazed me, I had a nasty laceration. Bled like a motherfucker.” Ellie watched as her gaze grew unfocused and kissed each of Dina’s fingertips before pressed up enough to kiss the pale scar on Dina’s ribs. Scars could be hidden, they wouldn’t always go away, she learned to live with them. She can learn to live with a lot more.

“So you bled like me then?” Dina’s face scrunched up in question as Ellie returned to her previous spot lounging on Dina’s chest with a wolfish grin. “I have fucked a mother. Recently too!”

“Alright you lost your amazing tits privilege, get off.” Dina shoved Ellie’s head off her chest and their laughter devolved into wheezing. “We need to go anyway. Someone has put a lot of effort into putting together a party for you for some reason.”

Petulantly, Ellie hovered over Dina, pouting as best she could. “Dee, It’s my birthday. I can show up when I want.”

“Don’t look at me like that.” Dina groaned, blocking Ellie’s eyes with her hand. “C’mon stupid. We need to get up now.”

“Mmm. Don’t wanna.” Ellie returned her head to Dina’s chest, kissing the constellation of freckles just along her rib cage, she snaked an arm around her waist and held her closer. “It’s my birthday, they can wait.”

“I’m serious, Ellie.” Dina said, voice airy, not sounding serious at all. When she started to get up, Ellie muttered her discontent into Dina’s chest. Nuzzling her breasts and pinning her down with her body, chuckling at the long-suffering sigh Dina threw her way as she ruffled her hair, reaching over her back to grab something off the floor.

“Fine if you wont get up, I’ll just get ready myself.” Dina muttered, pulling her shirt on over Ellie’s head trying and failing to bother Ellie enough to move. Underneath the tent of Dina’s shirt, Ellie met Dina’s exhausted glare through the neck hole with a lopsided grin. 

“I wouldn’t mind living in here for a while,” she nipped at the side of Dina’s breast and found herself being shoved out with a rather forceful hand. “I’m up, I’m up.”

“You’re evicted, now seriously we have to go.. I need to change and JJ put a lot of work into setting up your party.”

“Alright, only because JJ put so much effort into this party. I can’t believe you’re kicking me out on my birthday. That’s cruel.” Dina scoffed, tipping Ellie off the couch and onto the floor with an easy push of her finger. Their eyes met and they both broke into a fit of giggles. It was light, there was no guilt. For the first time in a long time, Ellie didn’t have to pretend.

By the time they dressed and made it over to Robin's, Ellie didn't have to pretend she was surprised when the handful of friends and family she okayed a party with jumped out and shouted happy birthday. Barry rushing over to hand Ellie a beer, and they clinked their glasses together and took a swig. Maria and Robin brought out a cake as Ellie took JJ from Cedric, lifting him onto her shoulders, blowing her candles out with his help.

At Dina’s request they gathered around Ellie, and Wendy took a photo with Dina’s instant camera. After Dina went over and took the processing photo from Wendy she pressed it against Ellie’s heart and covered it with her left hand.

Reaching up to ruffle JJ’s hair she murmured into Ellie’s ear “Hold this for a minute for me?” and kissed Ellie on the cheek leaving to help supervise the cake cutting.

Ellie stood there, hand clasping the photo to her chest as it developed, waiting for her slice of cake. She snuck a peek at the photo after a few moments and stared into her hand.

Staring back was irrefutable proof that there was still a part of her not lost to grief. She could be happy, Joel would want that for her. Her own face captured in time, grinning wildly up at JJ as he pulled on her hair like they were reins, on her left, Robin and Maria stood poised as ever. Her right, Cedric had given JJ bunny ears and Barry had knelt in front of her arms gesturing to her like she was some sort of royalty. Everyone was looking at the camera except Dina.

Dina wasn’t looking at the camera, her eyes were  focused  on Ellie,  gleaming with love and pride, a quiet smile on her lips.

Taking in the small group of family in front of her with a wide grin, Ellie glanced up and her world faded away until it was her and Dina. Tucking her hair behind her ear, eyes shimmering across the table as she caught Ellie’s eye, Ellie realized – her wish had already come true. She had one day where she felt alive, one day where she didn't have to pretend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew. One more chapter after this (and then an epilogue) 
> 
> This chapter has been in the works for a while. Really wanted to discuss the trauma of having the people you loved leaving you because they died and then the one person you loved more than anything leave because they chose to. Dina had no body to mourn and knowing it was a choice to leave her, well that would fuck even the strongest person up a little.
> 
> Also welcome to my headcanon that Eugene holed himself up in the library because he was collecting knowledge so it wouldn't be lost to time. He grew so much weed (Fun Fact: those strains mentioned are real strains) it had to have been to help others. I also think the altruism comes from a sense of trying to make up for what he did as a Firefly. In his eyes restoring humanity isn't tied to a vaccine, it's tied to keeping what made us human alive, not forgotten. 
> 
> This is also my first public foray into nsfw-ish territory so here we are on that.
> 
> Thank you for reading kudos, comments, and feedback are always welcomed and appreciated. 
> 
> come yell at me on tumblr @dissonantdreamer
> 
> NEXT UP: The Last of Us.


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